Great post. It is full of love and light in a tough situation. I am so new to all this but your beautiful post is comforting. It affirms that life is in the details and an attitude of gratitude.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
great post. I am not there yet, but I hope to be. I heard somewhere - not sure anymore from whom - that you can't go around it, under it, or over it. You have to go through it. I guess we are all impatient to a degree. Even if the outcome is divorce, we want to know "how it will end", but this takes the focus off the "here and now". I find myself doing best when I am in the moment. When I focus on the uncertain future, I get into trouble. Like you said, we should keep on keepin' on.
Seminole, I really liked your post and you haven't posted in a long time so I am wondering what happened. Did you reconcile just like your lawyer was saying? Is that why you are not posting anymore?
***I guess I just hoped this might be helpful to someone.***
Thank you so much--I am only five months after BD and it is extremely helpful to me.
***I read here almost every morning and let me say this place will open your eyes when you are ready. Although I don’t post much I follow several people on this board. I find that most people are searching for answers and success stories to give them hope and encouragement to do the work to get through the pain. I will tell you that going through this has opened my eyes and it’s making me a much wiser person. I can’t really say that I liked learning what I have this way but I have learned so much and it is all priceless.***
Yes
***None of us are perfect and reading and learning through others is a great way to get through the gut wrenching pain when this all began.***
Yes
***The most important thing I have learned from my wife’s mid life crisis? God never lays more on a person than they can handle.***
There are days where I feel it is more than I can handle and I ask for God's help...
***I also know that we all play a part in the situation you just need to figure out what was your part. My part in the destruction of our marriage was being lazy and taking things for granted. That made me not listen and let me think everything would be just fine no matter what. Marriage takes work lots of work and it also takes two to do that work.***
Yes! I too was lazy, took things for granted, didn't listen and thought things would be fine no matter what. My W said we would always work things out and D was never an option...until BD. And now, my W says it is too late to change our M...
***Running to another person doesn’t fix your issues it just adds to things that will have to be fixed down the road. It doesn’t matter if your ex/spouse is still with the OP because they are fighting the demons every day. They don’t even know why they are fighting themselves and all you can do is sit back and let this thing run its course. Nobody can predict the outcome of their sitch and I think it’s fine to hope for the best but you better plan on the worst.***
Truth
***I have to laugh some days because I really don’t think you could make this stuff up if you tried. I also know that when you think you are seeing a sign that the train wreck is almost over, you need a good kick in the pants to remind you that it’s not over, until they show you without a doubt in your mind it’s over. Actions are louder than words.***
I'm not at the laughing stage yet, still crying inside.
***I can tell you that I can look at my married friends and see things they are doing wrong. I also know you can’t tell someone they are making mistakes. Well you can tell them but that’s like telling a newbie not to break any of the 37 rules posted on this site on what does not work. Everyone has to learn as they go or they can’t learn anything. Lord knows I have learned some life lessons that I never wanted to learn and I feel like I have finally come out of the fog that the LBS stays in for a while after the bomb is dropped.***
I guess I feel like I'm still in the LBS fog.
***You can sit in limbo and worry everyday whether or not your spouse is going to wake up or you can live and enjoy life. I can tell you that making your own mistakes is all part of the journey and all that does is build character and knowledge.***
I have got to get to this point...living and enjoying life.
***I see so many people on this board that have been in long term marriages including myself, get frustrated and think they are ready to jump into the dating game or a new relationship. Remember that patience is the key to fixing yourself and possibly your marriage. I broke a good woman’s heart because I was hurting and lonely. Just because you are hurt and lonely doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone like you have been hurt. The first thing you should think about is whether or not you are willing to hurt that person. If you are then you have many more issues to work on before you are ready to date or jump into a new relationship. If you have to ask whether or not you are ready to date, you are not even close to ready. I asked myself if my ex were to come back would I drop this person like a bad habit? That gives you the answer to the million dollar question. Don’t listen to people that haven’t got a clue where you are emotionally. Just because you are dating it doesn’t make the pain go away and actually it just makes your healing take longer. I wasn’t completely out of sorts when I tried the dating game I never brought the person around my kids to save them from more pain. When I woke up and realized I was just prolonging my healing process I fixed the problem the best that I could. Dating still didn’t give me what I was looking for in life and if you need to find what’s missing look deep inside and you will find what you are missing. You own your problems/fears in life and the only way to fix them is to look deep and do the work. Don’t be lazy and try and take the easy way out do the real work and fix your problems. When you are ready you will know and you will not question your decisions.***
Thank you, again
***If you think you can’t go dark with kids you are wrong. I can go weeks at a time without talking to my ex, when I do talk to her it’s about the kids or the house and that’s all. I don’t ever initiate the conversation the only thing I ignore are texts that do not pertain to my kids. I am about to get my first grandchild in about a month. I am excited and my D18 has lived with me for about seven months. I get my D12 every other week and it makes me feel good that they know I am a great dad. You can find a bunch of joy and happiness in your kids when you do what’s right.***
Thank you for this encouragement. I just can't imagine going dark with my now W to that degree.
***I found you can set boundaries without ever stating a boundary. If your spouse or ex starts doing something you don’t like tell them once that you don’t deserve to be treated that way and walk away or hang up. You will be surprised about the third time they try and start something you don’t like you just walk away or hang up it won’t happen again.***
Thank you, again.
***I was told in the beginning that I was a worthless father and my kids didn’t want to be around me. That hurt and I didn’t know if it was true. I thought about the mistakes I had made as a father and worked at improving my skills as a dad. The truth always comes out and the last I heard a few months ago from my ex was I am the greatest father that she could have ever had for her kids. What happened to being worthless? I can tell you that when the bomb first got dropped my ex played me against my girls and I fought hard to prove her wrong. I must have done a good job because D18 still lives with me and D12 usually can’t wait to get to my house on Sunday night. It’s not about winning and losing when it comes to the kids, it’s about doing what’s right. DB’ing is doing what’s best for all the people involved.***
Thank you and a reminder not to believe what they say.
***Detachment was one of the things that everyone seems to have trouble with and I staggered like a drunk down a long road to get to the point I am at now. I guess I might not of figured out how to lovingly detach or maybe I have. I finally just said if I love her I have to set her free. Once I set my ex free I guess I just accepted the choices she was making as her own and she is the only one that can make her choices and it’s no longer my business. If the OM is her knight in shining armor that is her choice and everyone deserves to be happy even the WAS. You can let go and live or you can stay stuck it’s all about the choices we all make.***
Yes, having a hard time with detachment, so this is like a 2x4.
***Getting a life has been easy. I will say at first going places with my married friends was awkward but it beat sitting at home being miserable. Now I have people call me several times a week for something as simple as a card game. I love a good card game and I play pitch and poker tournaments about twice a month we even go to different towns. I have met some interesting people at card tournaments.***
I used to like playing cards; haven't played in decades.
***My D12 is a cheerleader and I haven’t missed a sporting event. On the days I have D12 we find something different to do together all the time and it’s fun to plan the next thing so we both have something to look forward to do when we are apart. I try and cook new things and I am turning into Betty Crocker with a Bobby Flay throw down attitude. If you would have seen the first few cakes I tried to bake you would have died of laughter. Now all three of us can knock one out without a glitch. Our next baking experience is cinnamon rolls, I figure we should have it down in a couple of attempts. I figured out that happiness comes in many shapes and sizes and you can’t ever learn anything unless you try something new.***
That's inspiring.
***For anyone that is going through a divorce the only advice I would ever give is make sure you have a good lawyer and remember the lawyer works for you. I had a female lawyer that woke me up to many things about divorce. I asked many questions and decided what was best for me and my girls. I am divorced and I feel like it was fair and that’s the best goal you can have. Nobody wins in a divorce actually I think everyone loses. All you can do is try and do what’s best for you and the kids. The last day I seen my lawyer was about a month ago, she told me to prepare for reconciliation. I asked her why she said that (I had never told her I was trying to save my marriage) and she told me that she has been doing this for years and she just knows that my wife at some point will want to get back together. I asked her again why she thought that and she said it happens quite often and she knows my wife left a great man.***
WOW
***The only thing I got out of that was to keep on keeping on I might be on the right path. The only thing is now I am not sure if I would reconcile with my ex and the odd thing is when I first came here that’s all I wanted. Now I am not sure she would actually do the work needed to put our family back together. I find it strange how my thinking has changed over the last year. To be honest I just can’t see myself settling for less than I deserve. I actually hope that nobody after going through this would just settle and think everything is going to be just fine. Life doesn’t work that way. Divorce isn’t the end of the world it’s the beginning of the next chapter of the choices that you make. Choose wisely and live with no regrets.****
That is awesome, as right now, I'm thinking D is the end of my world...
***Thanks for reading my post. I wish you all the best and I hope you make the best of this journey.***
I keep re-reading your post for inspiration. Thank you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I stalked Gordie to MLC... I too found this post to be incredibly useful, reassuring and inspiring.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
