I'm not doing so well today, but thank you for asking. I cannot stop thinking about all of it and it's really stressing me out. I keep thinking back to the texts I read, all the times she went out and didn't come back until the morning, and all the other negative things surrounding this. I'm starting to make more connections between unknown events/details and the info I do have, and it's driving me crazy!
I am trying to use those thoughts as a prompt/reminder to do something good for her or at least don't do something negative that I was doing... but I just find myself dwelling about the whole PA and wanting to just rewind and prevent it. I'm really finding myself with very low self-esteem and feeling really negative about every aspect of myself... appearance, personality, etc. I don't know how I can be "a blast" like the OM was based on texts I read a while back. It's counter-intuitive for me to be so down when all I want to do is be up, but I can't shake it.
If you don't intend to use evidence against her, then for you own well-being....I think you need to stop snooping. It's obvious you can't handle what it's doing to you. Besides, once you find out that there is/has been an A, then you know what you're up against and to continue to snoop is too much torture. Based on what many LBH's have said, it seems to become some type of monster that eats them alive.
Putting the stitch aside, do you have obsessive compulsive disorder? If you do, then my next question is have you had therapy for it? Constantly having this situation in your thoughts is understandable, but when it consumes your entire "being" and you cannot rest your brain for short periods at a time....then I personally think you need to have individual therapy. I'm not trying to play doctor, but I am concerned about how this is affecting you. Go to your doctor and at least tell him what you're going through and see what questions he may have and what recommendations he gives. You have to take care of Jake before you do anything else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What you're feeling is perfectly natural. Let it run it's course. You'll start triggering when you see certain things that remind you of your W or the OM. Keep your mind and body busy. Meditate, yell, scream, punch a bag, run, go to therapy, read a book, whatever. Get it all out. As hard as it is, it will get better. I was exactly in your shoes.
DR has a great way of having you get over this. You can do it. You have to do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate it.
I don't have any other OC tendencies so I'm not sure that is what it is. Also, I have stopped snooping a while back but I am finding myself constantly thinking about the things I found when I did snoop.
I really screwed up today. My wife was acting very uninterested in me and I let my mind get the best of me. I snooped and found her prepaid phone and checked the messages. She has been texting him all day. There were only a dozen messages on there, but it didn't include the start of the conversation, so they got deleted somehow.
Basically, she asked the OM what he was doing on Friday night and if he wanted to hang out. He replied that he wanted to have sex and then go out. She asked if that's all he wanted from her and he said no. I don't remember the rest of the details on it but that was the main stuff.
Right after I was done reading them my wife came into the area and noticed that I moved the stuff around where she had the phone hidden. She immediately questioned why I was going through her things. I denied it and she got mad. She went off into the other room and started doing other things. I walked past her a little later and she asked why I was going through her things, and I denied it once again.
I don't know if she knows that I saw the phone and texts, but she obviously has her suspicions.
I know I really shouldn't have done it and I am definitely learning the hard way right now that it's only making things worse. I'm so hurt that she's even still talking to the guy. It's possible that the whole thing was done to see if I'm still snooping, and I'm sure that's what she would say if I confronted her about it. But, there's also the possibility that it is exactly what it looks like... her talking to him about hanging out.
What do I do??? Admit the snooping and confront her? Admit the snooping and don't mention seeing the texts on the phone? Admit nothing and don't say anything about what I saw?
why don't you read this post again Jake....you need some help and there's no shame in that.
It's NOT "going away" or "running its course" b/c its eating you up.
So get some help. No biggie--but a very good idea. How can it hurt to go talk to a pro-M counselor?
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If you don't intend to use evidence against her, then for you own well-being....I think you need to stop snooping. It's obvious you can't handle what it's doing to you. Besides, once you find out that there is/has been an A, then you know what you're up against and to continue to snoop is too much torture. Based on what many LBH's have said, it seems to become some type of monster that eats them alive.
Putting the stitch aside, do you have obsessive compulsive disorder? If you do, then my next question is have you had therapy for it? Constantly having this situation in your thoughts is understandable, but when it consumes your entire "being" and you cannot rest your brain for short periods at a time....then I personally think you need to have individual therapy. I'm not trying to play doctor, but I am concerned about how this is affecting you. Go to your doctor and at least tell him what you're going through and see what questions he may have and what recommendations he gives. You have to take care of Jake before you do anything else.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Jake If he is casually asking for sex, its because it already happened. Plain and simple. Sorry bud its not cool, but at least I think you now know enough to STOP snooping, and start getting control of you, your emotions, and maybe even the situation. I'll ask again have you read no more mr nice guy, or are you still praying this thing will spontaneously blow over?
Stop the snooping now, I think deep down you know your answer. Now its time to stand up for yourself and for your marriage. She clearly does not respect you anymore Jake, otherwise she wouldn't be talking to OM about sex, or at the very least she would make it clear to him that "it's not like that"
That's funny she'll tell you till her face is blue that OM is just a friend but why wont he say that when OM asks for sex.
Jake your wife is in serious dream land and she needs a heavy dose of reality. Some of that reality should include that she cannot treat her husband like dirt, and expect him to stick around. She treats you like this because she takes you for granted, she'll only pick you if things don't pan out with OM. In her eyes you are not first round pick material.
So here's my practical advice, read [edited by dbmod, reference not recommended nor allowed], think of what is keeping you with her, reevaluate that in the face of your new discovery. Accept that thing are as bad as you feared, then figure out how much you will tolerate.
If you stand by and do nothing you are just encouraging to be a serial cheater. Find what YOUR boundaries are, no staying overnight with the opposite sex, no friends of the opposite sex that are exclusively hers, etc., etc. Yes she'll threatened to leave, yes she'll scream and maybe run away to OM, what's the worse that could happen, she runs to have sex with him? Wait she's already doing that.
Jake I think you seriously need to consider your limits.
Well I think I do have some positive things to say:
An affair is like an addiction it's a quick and easy escape from the problems that already plague the person. It's an escape from reality like drugs and alcohol.
Like other addictions, it's not until the addict loses friends, family, happiness, and general well being because of their addiction that they become willing to re examine their actions and life and do the right thing.
Affairs often work out like that. The WAS thinks everything is great, they have their OM/OW to keep them high, and have a their lame LBS as the security blanket if things don't pan out.
Sometimes the LBS will threaten or actually leave, all of a sudden the WAS comes crashing back to earth after they realize they now have to deal with the mess they have created.
All of a sudden the good old days of family bliss the WAS and the LBS shared become clear. OM can't or refuses to match them, now the WAS has to make a choice, this is when you finally have a chance Jake.
