Being thankful and praying

[Cyrena]

Hi Angel,

Ah, infatuation--my H also initially saw his OW in much more glowing terms than all his colleagues, and as being insanely intelligent. You have to feel sorry for these women, though, who are so insecure in their abilities that they have to charm a male "friend" to manoeuvre them into a job.

Yes, it does take time for this infatuation to subside. Long after my H was out of the tunnel, committed to our M, generally free from the depression and acting like an improved version of his "old" self, he clung to the idea of her as having been perfect, blameless, etc. It was only after 6-12 months that the occasional "down" periods when he clung to her memory ended, and he was able to let go of her completely by forgiving himself. So hang in there--it takes time for them to give up their crutches and other aids even when they're working on the M.

It is very hard to bring back those feelings you put on the shelf--that takes an equally long time. But it's important not to let yourself become someone who has been diminished by the EA: someone who is less loving, less trusting, etc. You want to have emerged from the crisis a stronger, more loving, more trusting, more compassionate person. It is a process ... and it is worth it.

[angel61]

6-12 months.... dang!

I know about the crutches .... H himself seems to be self aware and he said that for the sake of his sanity, he is taking it easy, doing it his way, gently. I think people all have built in crutches, and the more unstable they are, the more "walking aids' they have for navigating through life. Part of our role in this mess, especially if our ultimate aim is the preservation of our M and our family, is to try to understand at what level our spouses are, how stable their own thinking and emotions are, so that we don't pull out the crutches from them and cause them to fall all over again.

I'm back. H was a bit depressed last night when I got home, not too communicative. He said he was tired, so I let him be. My instinct was to try to get him to talk, but I was able to control myself. He was watching me intently when I told him about my visit to OW's training grounds, but I did not mention OW at all. I think he was anxious that I would bring up that topic.

This morning he seemed better.

I saw that he had his retrouvaille notebook out on the table with him, so I am guessing he was rereading it when I was gone. I think thats a good sign.

[angel61]

Just came back from another Retrouvaille post. I actually was the one who wanted to miss this one because I am so far behind our Christmas preparations. But H insisted we go!

The topic was intimacy and sex. We both agreed that we have a long way to go with developing real intimacy in our relationship. He also let me know that he is happy that we have restarted our sexual relationship, but that he was also anxious and worried that I might expect too much from him.

I have to remind myself to be patient.

H still cycles. The other evening, he again was acting withdrawn. I got irritated because he was not even answering my questions and acting like it was only him, D and the dog in the house. I finally told him Friday AM that I felt ignored. He got all defensive. I reminded him that I was just using our dialogue style to let him know how I feel. I also told him that we should start using the "stranger rule" (see MWD's piecing rules) in our household. He was not too convinced, saying things like "but do we really have to greet each other Good Morning, etc...? Sounds so artifical...... I let it go for now.

He did come round, as I knew he would, and called me several times at work. He also invited friends to come over in the evening (I think its his usual tactic when he feels a strain in our R) and of course, the preparation of food, fixing the house up, and the conversation between us and friends, along with some wine, restored the atmosphere at home.

After our friends left, I brought up the post session for the next day and told him it was OK for me if we didn't go, but he was quiet about it. In the morning he told me we were going. Good thing we found friends for D to stay in.

OK, talking about feelings:

I am very grateful and happy about where we are now. But my feelings ...... I almost feel like a third person, observing my own situation in a detached manner. The small hurts do feel magnified, the disappointments are acute, and I have to struggle to contain them. The happiness and love are blunted. Even my sexual drive is not as high as when we were not ML...and so I sometimes get a feeling of panic that he might think I am no longer interested in him, that he might see through me at those moments. I keep on working a getting those feelings back, but I know it will take time. As I know it will take time too for H.

I do want to emerge from this crisis a stronger person, more loving, more trusting,as Cyrena describes, and I know I will.

One day I will reread this and will see how hard we worked for something that is precious .....

[angel61]

Oh, I just got to post this. I think I am starting to get that loving feeling again! And it feels good....

H left for a trip again. Just two days, but instead of feeling relieved like I usually do when he is gone, I suddenly feel sad. And I am starting to miss him.

I am thinking of how much H has been changing lately. Last night, driving home from Christmas shopping (and yesterday was one of those days I couldn't think of what to talk to him about, and was bored by what he wanted to talk about) we had a little argument. I brought up that I wanted us to go to the symphony after Christmas for D's birthday, he said something about expenses. I got upset, as its D's birthday as well... and even before I could voice out anything, he stopped and said Oh no, you are right, its OK. This morning, I engaged him about some other thing and again, he became defensive.... BUT.... he caught himself in time, acknowledged that he was being defensive, said he has to change, and also when I brought up last night, said he was WRONG!

This is really new for me as usually H is NEVER wrong. Remember, he is a huge perfectionist!

I gave him a huge hug to show him I appreciate it and felt that he was responsive to me.

I think he is learning to face and accept his imperfections.

I have so many answered prayers....

[Cyrena]

That's wonderful, Angel. I remember my H doing the same thing, where he was actively changing how he reacted. It shows how the MLC can lead to introspection and growth ... and hopefully to a truly wonderful marriage!

[angel61]

Going now into the frantic, hectic Christmas days.....

Mght not be able to post updates until after all of the craziness subsides.

But just to let everyone know, you will all be in my Christmas wishes and prayers.

May God bless you all with hope and peace.....

[Ctflor]

I'm still checking in on your thread. It's nice to see progress, yes?

Merry Christmas!

[FreeBird0120]

Merry Christmas Angel:

Hope it was blessed with love and happiness...can't wait to hear how you're doing!!

HUGS!!!

FB

[angel61]

Thanks all!

My Christmas was a mixed bag of emotions....One thing I found out about piecing that it is to some degree getting back on the rollercoaster. And its one where both of you have to ride it , because now you are in this journey TOGETHER. No jumping off this time; though time outs are possible

First of all, the good stuff. H gave me a fantastic gift, probably the most expensive ne he has ever bought for me. A pair of gorgeous diamond earrings! In the morning of the 23rd, he did ask me what I wanted for a gift, and I said not clothes, or purses, I have too many. An inexpensive piece of jewelry would be appreciated, but I knew they (D and him) already had bought me a Juicy necklace, so I said that was enough.

Family came over to visit, H cooked Christmas eve dinner, we went to mass, opened presents, he loved the designer jeans me and D bought. It was nice.

Before Christmas, I was feeling blue.

The 22nd, we had a work party. He came and joined us, but he was distant and did not really interact with me.

The 24th AM, we started talking about finances. He explained a lot to me about our expenses, and we were doing fine, until we started talking about our acounts. He was actually the one who brought up the fact that we have to close all our extraneous accounts, and mentioned his account with a credit union he opened when he was alone here in the US before I arrived. I then had an idea that we should just withdraw all the money in it and went looking for our debit cards. Suddenly, he got angry at me, and started to accuse me of starting to investigate!

This was a sore point with us before, he had always taken the stand that he would never spend on an OW, and I did told him I trusted him and backed off from asking about that particular account of his. I knew he used it for small expenses related to OW during the time he was still in his EA, and for me that is already in the past!

I got mad at him, telling him that we had already settled all of that, that the past is past, and that I already told him I trusted him. I cried and had a minor tantrum.

He still insisted I look at all the accounts, and I did, so that everything would be finally laid to rest. I didn't see much, except expenses for some flowers for OW's birthday and a concert ticket I knew about and that we ended up watching anyway (OW did not show up).

Afterwards, we agreed to close the issue. Then we went about our own thing, buying presents, etc.

The incident made me think of some not so good memories....a few tears fell. then I picked myself up, and started to think how lucky our family is.

I realize that H is really, really serious about this when he was able to recover from the incident, even when I was having a tantrum. He calmly just said for me to stop it, that we should look into it calmly. Then he went and got me my nice gift.

It wasn't a wildly intense time.

But it really was a time of giving.... to each other, of our patience, and committment, and effort.

There are so many lessons to be learned this coming year, as we step into out new M, and close out the old. I am looking forward to it, at the same time, am praying that I will be able to handle it right and not mess up or backlside too much. That I will keep the chages I have made and add more to them.

I have a feeling that next years Christmas will be even better.

[Harrier]

The thing about piecing is that it's hard not to just focus on the day or where your feet are at the moment. It's easy to try to look to the next step.

But I think that is where I got into most of my troubles. I was too busy focusing on what wasn't there to appreciate what was.

I see so much good in your situation. The fact that it was important to H to show the the accounts.