Being thankful and praying

[MynameisMZ]

[/quote]Be Here Now...no futurizing, no history reviews. Stay in the present. LIVE. [/quote]

This is so true and so hard.

[MynameisMZ]

This is funny, let me share this. In H's phone, OW is listed as "nobody".

Well there you have it! The Freudian "slip" of all obvious slips. This is NO accidental cutsey name.

Let this whole thing with her burn itself out. YOU stay out of it, OK? I heard and agree that it takes about 2 months after no contact with ow to start him losing interest in her.

Remember, you are the incumbent. If he hasn't left in the first 3 months, chances are he won't.

[angel61]

MZ ... tsk tsk...The incumbent....can we make a movie of that? Yeah, makes me think of politicians who hang in there in spite of all the mud slinging,etc. When you are powereful you get enemies , eh?

Yes, she is a NOBODY and not worth my time and aggravation (self fulfilling prophecy.

Update: So on Friday I zipped my lips. H was still quiet and withdrawn, I left the house to go Christmas shopping and cried in the car to let my feelings out. Same routine as before.

Saturday we went to our Retrouvaille post session, this time on conflict.

At sharing time on how we were doing, H said that though we did not do most of our hoework, he felt that we were getting better and able now to share more, not just pleasantries but deeper convo. I felt that was a good, objective assessment.

It was a good presentation and all but what we mostly found out was that we have a come a long way with our conflict management as compared to before!

Anyways, at the end of the day, H told me that his real take home for the day was something one fo the presenters said: That our old M is dead! and that we are now at the start of our new M.

And he also said that more and more, he is realizing that happiness is something that is attainable, that is not dependent on other people.

I think he is slowly coming along....

[Cyrena]

Hi Angel,

Your H has made some good realizations. For yourself, while your H is coming to understand that happiness isn't dependent on others, keep working on the corollary, that we needn't be affected by the unhappiness, anger, withdrawal, etc, of others. It's such a relief when you reach this point, and can watch your H express any negative emotion without getting sucked in, as women tend to do.

In terms of your "new" M, you'll want it to be one in which either of you can express your concerns without feeling the other will judge/dismiss/criticize/etc them. There's no time like the present to work on those skills!

[Lotus]

I'm glad you went to the Post session. that checking in once a week with people who are able to guide you is so important. The insecurity is normal. You're trying to get over this very quickly, and it takes time. It takes a lot of time. Are you doing the extra nice things that Retrouvaille suggests? There's a list of suggestions in the book. For example, I started giving him a welcome kiss each night when he came in the door. It didn't feel natural, but I made the effort, and it made a difference. And he made the effort to kiss me goodbye each morning when he left, even though I was asleep. And that meant a lot to me, too. It's funny how those little niceties are meaningful, and they get dropped so easily!

[angel61]

Cyrena, thank you for the wise words. My downfall in this period is expecting that with his realizations will come the actions of reparation. I have to remember that there is a lag time between realization and implementation - the very same things happened to me when I was struggling for detachment, for forgiveness, for loving unconditionally. I will concentrate on not being affected by his mood swings.

Lotus, I keep reminding myself that I have been so patient and that I should be more so now that we have made so much progress and not expect that he turn on a dime. I do try to do those but I think H is not there yet. I just chose saying "goodnight" and a 3 second hug in the evening, he does respond to my goodnight but does not initiate it. I will not pressure and let him be, but will work on my own side. Neither does he want to dialogue but he did say that we will, one of these days. And our dialogue during the posts keep us going through the week, gives us something to go back to. He easily gets overloaded, I think its because he still is partially in the tunnel, and when things get to intense he withdraws.

I want him to feel safe enough to stay outside longer and longer....

[angel61]

And some other news.... I know OW matters less and less, but of course no matter what H says I am sure he still is affected. She left yesterday.

[FreeBird0120]

And some other news.... I know OW matters less and less, but of course no matter what H says I am sure he still is affected. She left yesterday.

Angel I know exactly what you mean about H still being affected. My H and I had a convo the other day about OW, and I had told him that since he'd just "ended" it with OW only 2 1/2 weeks prior, that he still had to have feelings for her. He said that of course he did, but little by little they are fading...doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

On the other hand, I'm so glad that you and your H are working towards healing. I know what you're going through believe me, and I hope that the downs get less and less and the ups become overwhelming (in a good way) for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both!! BIG HUGS!!

FB

[Ctflor]

Hi Angel, thanks for suggesting I read here. I have no words of wisdom since I'm going through this myself, but I find in your posts, many similarities in the emotions I deal with. Even 25's post about letting go spoke to me and what's going on right now.

Thank you!

[angel61]

CT, I do think you belong here as you are already in that process. The reason why it is so helpful to be part of this community is that we all have commonalities in our sitch, we have similar feelings, and it helps us when we know that a. we are not alone b. others have trodden this path, and we will be able to see what works and what does not from their stories.

I posted in May's thread that I almost feel like we are all holding each others' hand (virtually) in here, leading each other or at least just being there.

OK, now on to my story for the day:

Right now I am here in the city where OW did her post-doc fellowship. I visited the hospital where she went for the course. I know the people there because thats the same place where H and I did our post docs, and had arranged to meet with a couple of my closest friends. My H did the same program as OW just finished; he actually recommended her to this position.

As luck would have it, I ran into OW's and H's ex-boss and mentor, the section head. After exchanging pleasantries, he asked me to say hi to H, then suddenly brought up OW, saying she was leaving that very day (coincidence?). I just smiled and said some more polite replies, saying something like "Oh yeah! I hope she enjoyed her stay here! How is she?" and he replied "she was OK. I think she learned more about flying than the medical stuff she was here for...."

I got the feeling the he was not impressed! And yet H seems to be still so impressed with her, saying that she's the best qualified person to do the job in his research.....

The other doctor OW works for in her home country also says he same thing.... that the interim doctor H hired is better than OW.

Obviously, one can see here that in spite of H's committmnet to me, he is still in denial when in comes to OW. So definitely he is not out of the tunnel.

The process really does take time. I can see H is still struggling, but I know that one of these days, he will realize all this. He has gone this far, and everyday, he learns something new. I always just have to remind yourself that I have to be patient. I have to learn to manage my expectations, and not to overwhelm him at this point with all the questions I have. maybe I even just have to bury those questions and take our M as it comes, trusting that as he gets more and more comfortable, all of those hidden feelings and thoughts will come out.

The difference between before and now is that with the assurance of his commitment, I am more able to step back and not be affected by his negative modds. I just tell myself that he is working on those feelings. In the meantime I am working on mine, because I do have to get back those loving "feelings", which I have put in a box on a shelf for the meantime during the height of the pain in our situation. Even if I have made the decision to love, it still has not really kicked in yet. And I imagine all the more so with H as he still has to let go fully of OW.

Its a process, my friends.