Thought it would be done by now...part 4

[lifejustgothard2]

Thank you ! We did have a great Christmas. Good memories were made.
I did decide to snoop yesterday. Realizing I should not have.
I opened up his texts and saw there was one from OW. It looked to have been initiated by her. But, what bothered me was the casual tone of it. Like this was an ongoing conversation between the two. He swears to have no contact with her since the last time he told her to never contact him again.A month ago. So, I am to believe she just decided out of the blue to text him and let him know how she slept?
So, what do I believe? I handled this terribly. Every feeling I had from beginning of A to end came back to me. ANd I let him know it.
He said all the right things to reassure me. But, remember, he is a great liar!!
Now, not sure what to do. ALmost wish I hadn't snooped but the other part of me doesn't want to get snowballed again either.
I feel very defeated today.

[lifejustgothard2]

Could I get some advice ASAP? Thanks.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you ! We did have a great Christmas. Good memories were made.
I did decide to snoop yesterday. Realizing I should not have.

do you really regret it? Why?

I opened up his texts and saw there was one from OW. It looked to have been initiated by her. But, what bothered me was the casual tone of it. Like this was an ongoing conversation between the two.


about what? is their r over, but they are still withdrawing &so it's not a clean cut? I think total sudden breaks, 100% clean cuts are rare


He swears to have no contact with her since the last time he told her to never contact him again.A month ago. So, I am to believe she just decided out of the blue to text him and let him know how she slept?

that sounds unrealistic, but what leverage do you have now that he's home?

You can drive yourself crazy w/doubts about your worth as a woman(which he does NOT control, YOU do)

and you can hurt the marriage by badgering him with repeating the same questions, or push him back to her arms

or you can feel & act like a foolish desparate woman who took her h home too quickly to add conditions now

but are there other options available?

I think you took him back too fast but I also think you have other options than those listed above...

So, what do I believe? I handled this terribly. Every feeling I had from beginning of A to end came back to me. ANd I let him know it.


how'd that feel to you? all that DBing work has to work in the TOUGH times, not just when things are good and you don't blow it. But NOW it's for reals...


He said all the right things to reassure me. But, remember, he is a great liar!!
Now, not sure what to do.


what is there to do? Kick him out? File for divorce? How can he reassure you with anything other than words?

Can He show you all the texts he has sent? Or you can somehow get to them, ...but will that help? I'm not tech saavy enough to know if it's possible.
But If So, would that help you?

And what if they are still talking but saying goodbye?


ALmost wish I hadn't snooped but the other part of me doesn't want to get snowballed again either.
I feel very defeated today.

I understand...it's a setback unless he somehow shows you that it's over...or getting there.

If there is still contact BUT she knows he's married to you and back with you-

is that enough?

[lifejustgothard2]

I honestly do not know. I also just feel like I can't do a darn thing right. Here or at home.
I do regret it because from what I understand there will be some contact. ANd he has told me when she does text him but he says he doesn't respond. So I believed him. He has been checking in with me and tells me where he is all the time.
It all feels like crap. Like I have blown it and done just what he was worried about. Although not much about the A has come up until this.
He has said that there is nothing he can say to reassure me but time. Time in which he faithful and loyal.
I don't know if he can show me texts or not. It is a company phone and I also don't really want to demand that!

[TSquared2]

Hi, this is my first post, I haven't yet posted my sitch, but have been lurking for a couple of months now. I am in the middle of W's MLC, phase 2 (came out of the tunnel for a bit, then went back in this spring/summer...long story, will put in my sitch post). My advise is to NOT bring up A, AT ALL, unless he does. It could make him get scared again and dive back into the tunnel...I know, from experience, this could happen...:)

I try to think of her past A, and the probable current one(s), AS IF it was her past, before we were together. Could you think of it that way? Or something similar? Just let it be, the past is done...don't risk pushing/scaring him away...I know it would scare W away, so I don't bring up anything I want to know or know, and just focus on the present moment...the past cannot be undone, now is what matters...(and yes, I have to watch my ego and need to control ALL the TIME!!!!)

Just my 2cents...
T2

[25yearsmlc]

I honestly do not know. I also just feel like I can't do a darn thing right. Here or at home.
I do regret it because from what I understand there will be some contact.

Did you both truly agree there'd be no contact? Why is it necessary for them to have contact? Does she work with him?

What direct evidence do you have, if any, that SHE KNOWS he wants to work on the marriage and NOT have her in his life?

Meaning, did you hear him tell her yourself?

ANd he has told me when she does text him but he says he doesn't respond. So I believed him. He has been checking in with me and tells me where he is all the time.

I'm unclear what this^^^ means...."he says he doesn't respond. So i believed him"...with nothing else on his end, you simply believe him?

I'm not judging that, but I want to clarify if that is what you mean...is it?

and then you say "he has been checking in with me and tells me where he is all the time."

Okay so that means when HE WANTS you to know where he is, which is often, he lets you know. Is there a way you can check on him at other times?

I am NOT, generally, big on snooping. I rarely suggest it. Not sure I am now either.

Geez, let me put myself in your shoes as best I can...

IF I KNEW that an affair or continuing one, would end our marriage

(& at the moment for me, that's true, b/c of prior DBing "adventures" & I'd have little reserve for another round...)

AND IF I believed I had done my best, (FYI you may NEVER be totally certain)

THEN I'd snoop to verify

and if he were still seeing her I'd be done

OR

if he just was Not able to convince me he that he was committed to me
AND THAT SHE KNOWS IT, I'd be done.

It would be my job to be forgiving and "rational" w/him, but it would be HIS job to make sure I felt clarity from him and the OW.

In your sitch, I would want absolute transparency...and if YOU BOTH agreed to NO CONTACT that means no contact...assuming it's a reasonable request of yours...was it?

I don't think I could tolerate a lot of fuzzy stuff where I wasn't sure about "us"...
or him or OW...

If you know you are not being nutty or irrationally insecure or jealous, (even if HE says you are, you KNOW better)...

then I would have to choose between going nuts all the time, having that sick to my stomach feeling & a free floating angst that would hit me randomly, ruining my day or night...

OR

Ending it cleanly, and moving on in my life.

But that's me.

Life, I can survive financially without my h (or so I think!)

and I know I can emotionally and mentally be happy with or without h. I only have one child at home and she's in high school.

It all feels like crap. Like I have blown it and done just what he was worried about. Although not much about the A has come up until this.


what exactly did you blow? You lost your "[censored]"? And you blew up AT him or what? Did you throw the affair in his face?

But you said HE handled it well...meaning what?? OR are you referrig to the snooping in general?

See, if there is a reason for snooping and if you know you'd want out IF he is still sneaking around, then snoop away

but if you want to work on things and things were going well AND he was being truthful to you as far as you know, that'd be different.

But it's not that case...it's the case where you DO have doubts and I can see why. But I' am not clear on why there will "need to be contact." WHY?


He has said that there is nothing he can say to reassure me but time. Time in which he faithful and loyal.
I don't know if he can show me texts or not. It is a company phone and I also don't really want to demand that!

Wait...she contacted him and he did not tell you and it was a weird sounding conversation...

so why won't you ask that of him? I'm assuming you can ask him for something without embarrassing him at work?

Thing is, time alone won't do it, will it?

And that is the problem.

IF he thinks it's just time that is needed and frequent calls from him...well, is that realistic? Sure is easy on him...and the counselling has not started and neither has the addiction group either, has it?

So, then what is he willing to DO that will prove to you that SHE is out of the picture?

If it were me and I had an affair and wanted to show my h that it was over, well Life think about it. What would YOU do to prove to your h that OM knew it was over?

Wouldn't you show a letter to your h, or call the OM in front of your h to say "goodbye"?

Sure, you might "love" the OM but once you came to your senses, you'd tell OM that you wish him well but if he really cares about you,

then he'd leave you alone AND let you make your marriage work and keep your family together...all in front of your h. If OM contacted you, you'd show your h AND your reply would be "OM, Please respect my words and hear me AND DO NOT contact me again. It's over!" And I would do it in front of my h if he so asked.

I would want things to be good between h and me and I'd do ANYTHING to make him feel good about US.

That would include transferring jobs if needed...I am sure of that.

[lifejustgothard2]

Just checking in... attending counseling and addiction group together.
Forgiveness is something I have to give every day.

This is not easy. Didn't expect it to be.
Just don't know how to act sometimes.

But, things are good. Glad he is home and he is committed to our M.

[lifejustgothard2]

Hi. Maybe no one can see my posts anymore?!?
Well, anyway, as of yesterday I have lost 30 lbs!! But, my hair has quit falling our so that is a bonus!

[Grace_O]

Congratulations!

I remember when I didn't know how to act around H. It can be tough. I felt like I had to watch everything I did and said. That at any given moment I might do something "wrong" and that would be it.

I'm finally myself again. Best thing I was able to do in all of this was reclaim that.

HUGS

[angel61]

HI LIfe! Didn't know you are in piecing now.... happy to hear it!

Its not that easy though, and I can see that you are finding that out. Its as if the roles are reversed, and it is the LBS who now has to deal with the doubt, the learning to trust again, forgiveness, losing the anger.

I am in the same boat as you. My H, though he never left, has recommitted to our M last November. Retrouvaille was what helped us, and I echo 25's suggestion that you look into doing it. based on your post, it does seem like both you and your H are believers, so I think it would resonate with you.

We all think that our problems are solved once we are back. thats not true ..... its the start of the hard work!

I suggest you transfer your thread to piecing, because you will learn a lot from the experiences of people there, and probably get more posts.