Like you, my ILYB was last year, but we still spent (an awkward) Christmas together, last year. This too, is my first Christmas without her. And to add, without my children on the eve and the day.
While I miss my kids and want to be with them, I am doing surprisingly well, and it is not in an "as if" way...
So today I count my blessings and know I will see my kids tomorrow and for a few days and today I can simply enjoy for the awesome day it can be... that I will create...
Oh Kaffe.. I was looking for your thread to wish you a Merry Christmas too!
I have no doubt that you will create an awesome day! You deserve it also!
Keep posting to those newcomers. Lord knows they are in such pain and feel so lost. They may not fully understand your advice now but one day they will... And they will be grateful for your encouragement.
I know I am.
You re a good man kd. Keep on keeping on!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The trip home has been really good. I've been doing some great GAL activities. Been having alot of good conversations with my family.
Christmas was good for the most part... I didn't wake up missing my wiife and enjoyed the kids.. But alot of stuff happened that started stirring up feelings. And by Monday morning, I was angry.
It makes sense to me that I would have a hard time being around my dad. With my mom being so sick, one would think since that because she MUST work for the health insurance, that it only be right that my dad wouUld pick up the slack on the house chores but he doesn't.
My w did that. I was expected to do the house work because I didn't work frequently. I had no problem except that when I did work... I still had to do the house chores.
I got upset at my sister's boyfriend. Kids had just woken up for Christmas and he came out and immediately turned on Espn. When my sister asked him to turn it off, he threw a fit like a 5 yr old.. And pouted all day.
My wife did that too.. And I remember trying to damnedest to make her feel better. Seeing his behavior made me sick.
This was the 1st year that I could have cookies or junk food. I had no problem supporting my wife with her problem foods, but I always got punished for being thinner. Her favorite was "you snooze, you lose". That justified her eating all the desert... Which I could never understand as i was always glad to give her the last one.
And there were other things too. Reminders of how selfish she was, how she treated me... Reminders of how much of an effort I put in to make things better... And how my efforts went wasted.
It became extremely hard to stay focused on the good things.. I've never really been around reminders like this and although I am doing my best to stay positive, I find myself still angry 48 hrs later.
Incredibly angry at my wife. For all the ways she hurt me, rejected my efforts....
... Even down to her not texting me "merry Christmas" but texting me about the dumbest sh!t.
I'm also incredibly angry with myself. I feel stupid. Now that I see it in other people.. I ask myself.. "how did I not notice?!?
Or the big one is "why do I still want to be with her?" it's not really like my w is showing me anything different... Yet here I am... Still wanting to be with her. Even though I am confident I would not take my w back unless she was different... I still hope I would have a relationship with a woman.. That my wife isn't.
I know that this experience will lead to more healing.. I'm just having a hard time letting my anger go... And then I get angry about that.
I'm desperately trying to not take it out on my family. I feel irritated. I can sense it
I can sense that I'm giving my w too much power.. And instead of stopping it... It's just adding fuel to the fire.
Lots of prayer for me folks. I haven't felt such anger in awhile. It seems like the positive voices have turned into whispers. It seems my faith is being tested.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Val, I am sorry that are having a difficult time right now. I hope that your Mom is ok!! My dad was the same way so I understand what you were talking about. I stopped going home because it broke my heart to watch him treat her the way he did. This was a big mistake on my part because my mom was killed in a car accident 7 years ago and I will never get that time with her back. You can't control your father or your wife... just be there for your mom.
Remember that anger is not always a bad thing. Without people getting angry there would be no social change. I'm not suggesting that you stay in that mental state, but sometimes it is neccessary for change to occur.
I am thinking about you... hang in there.
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
(((Val))) I think you are thinking back when you were a doormat and trying for dear life to save the M. You now see your W's flaws and can not believe that you allowed it. That is so normal but remember that may be you are projecting out of hurt/healing What ever it is you have a right to feel but never do what I did, react on that anger. You are way ahead of me in growth.
Regarding the food thing I can relate. My W always gave me some veggies but she took most of it. That always pissed me off. I always asked to make more so I did not only get a tablespoons worth. She continues till this date. Hope you had the best Christmas possible
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Val, as you have reminded me we need to feel the emotions to process them. Just don’t let them overwhelm you.
Slow down the flow to a rate you can manage. Do what works for you. I have shot so many arrows to control myself the league will not recognize me next year. What works for you?
Remove yourself from the stimuli if you need to. How many times have we been coached to just walk away rather than get drawn into an argument with or into making a destructive comment to our spouses? DB the family, I am, coworkers too, but that is another story.
Just as we have processed grief, fear and anger too before, you will again. It is a journey over rough terrain my friend, a few bumps and bruises come with the territory.
I don’t think of my faith being tested so much as my focus, and I am usually testing myself.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Like everyone else has affirmed, Val, I think that this is a good part of the process. It is important for us to look back and recognize those awful things about our WAS' that we put up with in the past. It will make it easier not to tolerate those things in our next R with someone, whoever that person is.
As to why you still want to be with your W, it seems as though there are many good memories about the positive things that you guys shared, as well as the promise of a better R than there was. If neither of those things existed, we would all be on the road to moving on and putting the M to rest.
@sunshine - thanks for your input. You' re right that I need to focus on my mom.. She s extremely happy to have me home.
As for my dad.. This is just part of the growing pains of breaking free from my codependency. My dad is very abusive and shares alot of qualities that my w did. It's a hard thing to realize you were part of an abusive relationship, it's a hard thing to break free of... And it's super hard to see it happening in front of your face.
@rick. I'm sure I am reacting a little. History has shown me that I tend to get upset AFTER the holiday!
The thing is that my w didn't treat me that way when I was fighting for my marriage. It's always been that way. I am aware of rewriting history but I am very in tune with my feelings also. The last time I had this anger was when I realized how "ugly" I felt and how she contributed to that. It wasnt a one time event.... It was multiple events causing the same feeling. I don't know if that makes sense.
@JS. First off. Happy Holidays friend. You have been on my mind frequently. I hope holidays with the inlaws went ok.
I do feel overwhelmed and trapped. I usually run when I'm angry and it was raining in PA today. Plus my mom gets so concerned, she has a hard time letting me be.
I have started DBing My friends and family.. My dad is just really difficult. There are many demons there.
Bruises from battle are to be expected.. I'm just ready for the war to be over. If it truly is in the LBSers hand to say "I'm done" then how do I do that? My head is on board an so is most of my heart. How do I get that last little piece to let go??
I understand the testing myself. I passed my test as I checked another holiday off my list of not reaching out. Accepting the situation for what it is and realizing that breaking this codependency does not come without effort or pain.
I say it is testing my faith because I prayed on Christmas. I prayed that my w had a good holiday and I prayed that I could accept whatever happened. To Let God drive this bus. I didn't like his choice... It hurt... And honestly I haven't experienced being hurt out of tough love. I have been hurt because people didn't love me....
..... Which is why I feel my faith is being tested.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@west That makes sense there has been alot of "never again"s in the past 8 months. Some in regards to my behavior towards others, some in regards to behaviors to me.
I know there was some positive in my r... I just question if I created more positive than what really existed.
In the end, it doesn't matter.. Everything is supposed to be from this day forward. I'm just not sure if my current wife is someone I want to share my life...
I may not be ready for a r but I look forward to having one. I enjoyed being married and I really want to adopt some children.
Time will reveal all.. I just need to be patient.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
but it comes to me, I believe it, and I write it down... life's weird that way... 
