Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

Wow. And just when I thought I wouldn't backslide anymore...

He just left with the kids. He got here 2 hours ago. We did a lot of talking. Well, for one, my right ear has been plugged for a week solid. He said he'd help me unclog it, so I let him (and he was successful, thankfully!). It was driving me crazy. While he was helping me, I had his phone and I made a stupid mistake and looked in it. I read some text messages between he and that girl from work. Mostly just friend stuff. Talking about college courses and music. But he asked her to 'chill' with him again and listen to music. And he said he feels 2012 will be a great year, that he feels primed for growth. That hurt so much to read. I asked for it, I know. He caught me snooping, and we talked.

He said he feels primed for growth because he feels in control of his own life for once, and he is in a lot of pain from the break up, and with pain comes growth. He said he isn't even sure if he has a real interest in her and that they're just friends. He said he's not ready for a relationship and is just looking for a friend. I called BS, and he said it's not my business anyway, and I can choose to believe what I want. He said he thought she was cute while we were together, and they'd talk after work sometimes, but they had no interest in each other in that way. I apologized for snooping, and I meant it. I never want to do that again. I told him that in a way I'm glad I saw what I saw, though. I needed to better understand where his head was at, because I wasn't sure I could believe what he would directly tell me. I told him I feel like I'm the only one in pain. He can go out and talk to this girl and say he has a good feeling about this year, etc, while I'm in so much pain. He started crying and said he's in a lot of pain, too, but that he can't share that with me. I asked him to please do, right now, because I needed to feel that I wasn't just dumped and he doesn't even care...

He cried some more and said he wakes up in the middle of the night and feels this heavy sadness when he realizes I'm not there with him. He said he even misses the throw pillows, and he hated those things. He'd wake up in the middle of the night and throw them across the room. He said he cuddled me all night after we ML for the last time (4 days ago) because it felt so good to have me in his arms. He said it's hard to be around me because he sees my changes and I look so beautiful. He said it hurts so much because I'm changing now and I didn't when we were together, so he feels like he was crushing my dreams and now I can be truly happy.

I was not expecting this to happen today. I was planning on being friendly, but firm, and to have him out of here quickly. He handed me his phone so I could look up yet again how to unclog an ear (I had tried everything), and he had a text message pop up. He tried to hide it. Curiosity killed the cat.

We got a lot of feelings out. He said he isn't planning on getting back together with me. That when he said we'd reevaluate in a couple of months, he still wasn't planning on anything. He said he isn't holding back from living his life on his own, which is why he's talking to other females. He did admit that he is wanting to know what else is out there. He told me he doesn't want to get my hopes up about him coming back, but that he doesn't know what'll happen in the future. Basically, if we're meant to be, we'll come together again when it's right. But until then (if it even happens), we need to live our lives separately. I brought up him sending me mixed signals and sleeping with me. I just had to. He said he still loves me and misses me, and that's why those things happened. He said he wasn't trying to string me along, but he just misses me.

He said he can't come back after starting this. He has to see it through. I told him it feels like he's been trying to keep me close, just in case he wants to come back. He said no, he hasn't been trying that. He said he's been complimenting me to try to make me feel better, and I gave him a look that said, "Come on. Really?" He said ok, it's because you look amazing and I miss you. He said it's so weird to be around me and to not flirt with me and touch me.

I don't know how to feel I'm in tears typing this. I can't believe I backslid like that. I told him to never let me hold his phone again, and I meant it. The temptation is just too much. I told him he'll regret this. That he'll see me change even more and he'll want to be with me. He said I'll regret the way I treated him for so long. I told him that I do, and that he didn't always treat me right either. He pretty much said me finding those texts is karma. He snooped in my email once when we were teens and I was having the EA. He found some awful stuff. There's nothing sexual going on between he and that girl (yet...oh man, it hurts to think of 'not yet'), so most of their chatter was just friend stuff, but it hurt to see that he feels optimistic about this year, and he was sharing that with a female that's not me. We could always talk to each other about anything.

Is DBing even worth it in my situation? He admits he's in love with me, but feels that we weren't compatible. I was too controlling, he kept lying to me. He really seems hell-bent on living his own life, one without me by his side.

Oh, and I didn't feel too bad about snooping on his phone at the time because he got onto my computer and saw that I had searched for him on facebook (he didn't search the history, it was there when he opened a new tab...a list of closed tab history). I got mad. I was embarassed. He still dosen't have a facebook. It's only a matter of time, though, I have a feeling.

The silence in this house without my kids and their dad is just overwhelming. It's a silence that other people, TV, music just cannot fill, try as they might. Still, I have 2 1/2 hours before they're home, and I can't stand being here alone. I'm going to drive to my mom's house for a bit.

[MrBond]

Sorry you're going through all of that. Trust me, I know how it feels.

There's one important thing you should understand. It's not about you, just him. I notice he still throws things in your face about being "finally" happy, etc. As hard as it is, try and not take them seriously.

He's looking for justifications of his actions and rather than facing up to them, he runs away. He has alot of growing up to do and learning about responsibility. Don't let him bring you down.

In your sitch, it seems like the best way to get him back is to totally ignore him. Get yourself strong. Build yourself back up. Don't rely on him and stop talking to him. You get yourself right first.

[rickb89]

Jenna - listen to 007 (Mr Bond). He's making sense.

In DB they tell you to believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Don't take his words as the ultimtae truth. He doesn't have a clue what he wants or needs right now. He has a lot of growing to do and for that to happen he needs to hear his own voice for a while and discover the truth for himself.

Learn as much as you can about DB'ing and stay connected to us here on the blog. You will be shocked to see that even through all this terrible pain, things will get better.

Hey look, its better that this crisis of his happens now. Your still young and have so much ahead for you. My W has been with me and she hit the wall at 45. Maybe he can go through this, you can learn from this, an the both of you can R.

[rickb89]

I meant to say she's been with me since age 18.