Harrier, that one is solid. Encouraging and enabling ourselves and others to remove our rose (or other coloured) glasses. Every night ends with a faint, sliver of light we call a sunrise.
How many LBS encourage and enable their WAS to seek their "freedom" to "find" their happiness. It's one thing to set free that which we love, it's another to support them on their journey. And in doing so, while many may call the LBS crazy... what better, loving, altruistic action is that?
Karma, I think I can relate to every one of those. In some ways, I think that's one of those things to print and keep in one's pocket as a daily reminder of our priorities.
My D14 offered a couple gems over the past month. One not directed at me, but interesting food for thought:
"It is not that people don't realize what they have until they loose it. Rather, they knew what they had and didn't realize they would loose it."
Another, as I was offering an opinion about some strong judgment that has been going on regarding some drama with my W's cousin. D14 was joining the judging of actions and I explained that everyone is human and make mistakes. I asked D14 if I was a bad person, to which D14 responded, "no." "Yet... I am being trashed by others." D14 sat and thought for a moment and then said:
"So you gotta check yourself, before you wreck yourself..."
The author is 12 and spent her babysitting money on Bibles
"Since I have my life before me" By Brooke Bronkowski
I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell other's about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.
You see, I'll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact, that's all I remember, just good moments, nothing inbetween, just living my life to the fullest.
I'll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back.
I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.
I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tells me to do.
I will follow the footsteps of God.
I will do my best!!
She was killed in a car accident when she was 14. 1500 people came to her funeral and EVERYONE spoke of her example and joy.
I know not everyone is religious on this board, but her poem touched my heart and I thought "this is how I want to live".
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I feel the biggest statement, is to stop playing the victim.
Courage and strength are traits people want to be around forever NOT the "Woe is me."
We get into the latter when the bomb drops, but to move forward you have to become the former.
Just my .02.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
Wow Val, thank you so much for sharing that. I absolutely LOVE it!! What an example she was. "I will do my best" just sums it all up!
Reminds me of a quote I recently saw in my gym: "I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep on doing so until the end" - Abraham Lincoln
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Ali- as someone who posted to you, and sincerely sought to help you save your marriage if it was at all possible, I will try to answer some of your questions (I will preface it by saying that from what I know of your situation, I would probably feel the same way towards your H as you do. I will also add, I don't know how I would feel if I only heard his side of the story).
Addressing your later statements first, the goal of winning a WAW back is not to have her return to the "same guy again." Instead, the goal is for the DBing spouse to examine what it was that his W fell in love with and Change his behavior, making a life change, not a temporary one. As you have read on the boards, DBing should be a way of life. Sincere change, not tricks. I don't recall from your other posts if you picked up DBing or if you have read the whole book but that is what Michele is prescribing- change one's behavior, understand what your spouse is feeling and stop doing that which continues to make your spouse resent you.
Last I saw, your H has continuing the same behaviors that got you to this WAW point so of course you have no reason to feel differently unless you decide you want to change the dynamics of your relationship but that seems unfair, doesn't it?
As you have noticed many WAS's are also involved in EA's or PA's and this is why many Dbers talk about "Alien abduction." This spouse who promised to love honor and cherish till death "do us part" is involved with someone else, this feels like this is not the person the DBer married. Often rage comes from the WAW and many times the DBer did not have a deep understanding of how truly badly the marriage was failing, trouble yes but near fatal? From a DBer's perspective, they are wondering, "who abducted my spouse?" I have never referred to my wife's dissatisfaction with our marriage as an alien abduction and have truly sought to understand how she got to feel the way she did an das you may recall, my marriage is very much recovering.
I think you make a great point about how a WAW can feel much better once they drop the bomb, separate or actually file. The burden has been lifted and they are on track to solve their problem the only way they see they can. From the WAW's perspective, they may have pleaded, requested, hinted or demanded change to no avail. To a WAW, DBing may be seen as too little too late, or just a temporary fix so your insight will be very helpful to Dbers as to why the WAW does not change their mind when a DBer does a 180. This is why Michele emphasizes "patience." In many cases it took years of effort by the WAW to try to get a DBer to change and it may take years of DBing to show the WAW that the DBer really did learn what their spouse wants and needs. When a WAW (my wife as an example) sees that the changes are sincere and designed to be long lasting, they sometimes chose to give the marriage another chance.
DBing is not about manipulation but more about understanding interpersonal relationships, learning about one's spouses deep hurt, learning what behaviors trigger what kind of reactions and making changes. If I learn that defending my actions to my spouse only make her more angry but that expressing understanding about her hurt calms her down such that I can later, calmly talk with her about the issue, is that manipulation or is it learning to better communicate?
Ali, I have felt your frustration with your H, and you have done more to come here and ask questions than most other WAW (or future WAW's) have done. Your comments and those of Nicky and others are helpful to many Dbers who are trying to understand what their spouses are going through. I wish you well, however things turn out but it is my wish that your H was a serious Dber and that his changes became real and long lasting such that you could give your twins a household with both a mother and father who love each other and them.
