Thank you for your concern gentlemen! ((( ))) to you both.
I'm spending some time with myself. Looking deep within my own feelings and talking to God about what are the next steps for me.
I feel that I have let go of my anger towards my wife. This does not mean that I do not feel anger. (I'm trying to settle my own Cobra insurance this week and it brought up a lot of feelings of anger) …….
…… however I know the anger is more about being hurt. My w hurt me deeply and nothing more than time and a constant weight on my heart to forgive her - will mend the deep wounds she has caused.
In the meantime, I will ask for assistance when these moments arise because I know I am not out of the fire.
I have not acted on my anger once in the past 8 months… I don't intend to start now.
If I believe my w's words to be true and she is indeed still running… there is not much I can do about it. I accept that this is her path. I accept that I CAN'T STOP her from running. Her running is caused by her own demons… until she can face them, she will always run.
I pray that one day she stops. I will continue to pray that God changes her heart.
What does that mean for me?
Well for 9 months… I have stood still. This does not mean that I haven't moved forward - I just haven't moved either towards or away from wife.
I have learned a ton about myself and my codependency. I have realized that who my wife convinced me that I was… I'm actually not.
I have blamed myself and I have blamed her… and the although I would love to take 50% of the blame of everything that went wrong in the marriage… the real blame that I can truly take is that I allowed her addiction to infect me as well and allow it to turn my love into fear. It planted such fear, that my soul always prepared for the worst… Thus creating the very things she complained about… my negativity, my neediness, etc.
Do I believe I also contributed to my negativity and neediness??? .. absolutely… but it feels very different now that the fear is diminishing. It feels very different now that she is out of my life.
I believe that I have such a hard time detaching from my wife is because of the work I am doing on myself.
Every step forward means confronting my fears - which when your w is behind a lot of it.. means confronting her. It's a rinse and repeat of
Why do I feel this way (prompted by a certain event - not necessarily even related to w)? Discovery of how w treated me (and I allowed it) that caused the feeilng Anger at myself and her Forgiveness of what happened Acceptance Trying to change the dynamic
The last three work together.
As 25 told me months ago… I'm awake… and I can move forward with the knowledge of what happened and how to change it.
I know I won't go back….and now I feel like I can't stand still. I feel like I have done all the work I can whilst waiting. Now it feels like it's time start moving forward.
Maybe it's time to walk away from w. It feels that I should because that is what is needed to heal. I'm ready to set new boundaries.
I don't want to see her on FB. I have sat on this hamsterwheel for months. Her being my friend shows her how I GAL, and how I'm doing great combined with the fear of cutting the only thread I have left.
So I haven't been on my FB in a week.. and to tell you the truth.. I feel less stressed. I miss checkin on my friends and posting, but not having to worry about signing on when she does and then wondering if today she reach out or not.. is great.
It's great being off that rollercoaster. It's great to not feel the hurt or the fear.
I'm also in NC with her unless it is an emergency. As part as the LRT - I let her initiate all contact… but I responded promptly unless I needed to think about the D stuff.
But lately she asks questions about nothing and strikes up conversation afterwards. I do not know her intentions but because I never thought of those kind of conversations as "Convo starters"… I want to believe she asks cause she cares at some level.
But maybe she's just nosy, or uncomfortable. Who knows.. who cares.. the problem is me and my expectations.
Besides the emotional up and down of contacting me about nothing vs. something.. I just don't like how she digs at me and my family. I have posted on it before so no need to rehash it all.. but to me…..
….. it feels like the old w.
And although she may be changing and yes JS, I cannot help her with that.. I can set up some boundaries and I can stop talking to her.
I feel like I deserve better.
For example… Yesterday, she called and said
"Hey, its W. Give me a call when you get this. Talk to you soon. Bye"
Up until November, she has only been emailing.. then she started texting, now she is calling. When she wants about whatever she wants.
I guess maybe some would argue this is progress… I just don't see it that way. I see it as another way of control. I mean other than the FB comment about JoePa, she only talks to me about D. Why would I want to call her back about that?
If it was an emergency, she would tell me right?
Btw - it's really hard to not call her back still. To not come racing in even if it means I hurt myself. To try to stop the convincing myself that maybe her heart has changed or she may actually want to be in my life. To stop the "how's she's gonna feel about me ignoring her call".
So until I have answers for myself… I need to not be in contact with her. Because ^^^^ is NOT healthy.
And that's all I care about.. is getting better.
So that's a LONG peek into my mind of this past week. Thoughts welcomed of course… assuming you made it through the whole post.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
She would tell you if it was an emergency. Call her back whenever as you would a friend.
I think to not call her back would be weird and I think the goal is to be normal.
I think I get what your saying that the priority is for you to be healthy and not calling her keeps you healthy. Maybe its not DB enough of me but I think you should keep the communication open with her because you do hope that she comes back.
I think if you know its not a guarantee, why not believe that it is possible for you guys to get back together? Why not think positive?
Maybe call while you are doing something else or with someone so you cant get into a real in depth conversation.
Just my 2 cents.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
A lot to think about, Val. I think that your decision in the matter should be rooted in what's healthy for YOU. It sounds like keeping in contact with your W is tearing you apart and causing you to feel sh!tty. In that case, perhaps you should consider cutting the cord.
Just because you do that, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are forever destroying the hopes of rekindling the fire. It just means that you are doing the best thing for yourself in the midst of these conditions, and you are allowing both you & your W to tend to your own lives without the need of each other (which is healthy).
I know that in my sitch, I very early on made the decision to keep my W out of my life except in the case of emergency or strictly-business matters. And, like yourself in the case of FB, my stress has gone way down as a result. It much easier to detach if you go dark, allowing you to build yourself up, redefine your identity apart from your W, and focus on GAL and having fun.
I don't want to mind-read, but it sure sounds like your W wants to keep you in her life somehow. Is this rooted in love (W is thinking of coming back) or fear (W wants to keep control)? Right now, it can't be answered by anybody except your W, and maybe even she doesn't know.
In any case, your W is a big girl, and she chose the status quo. If you choose to keep her out of your life, that is a consequence of your W's actions, and she'll have to contend with it. She may not like it, and she'll probably give you blue he!! about it, but she will eventually learn to respect this new boundary as long as you stick to it.
Give your decision time. Search your soul. I know that you'll come up with the right answer in time. (And get some rest, too! Rest is crucial to the DB process!)
I hear what you are saying about thinking positive.. and you're right. I do need to open my mind up to the possibility of God's miracles. He has changed my heart.. why should I put limits on what he could do for w.
That being said, I still need to guard my heart as well. I do want a deep relationship with w, but at this stage.. I can't handle the wishy-washy behavior.
Yes I am aware that she knows I'm ignoring her... but as West pointed out.. I need to do what's healthy for ME now.
If it's weird.. so be it.
I won't do myself, my w, or my m any good if I don't figure out me!
That is where I am at with my life. I want to move forward with my best foot. Look deep into my soul and define the actions and values that makes a "loving Val"
and it may be that my w doesn't have those same values. I'm okay with that.
I accept where she is on her journey.
Journaling:
Interesting tid-bit. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow so I called my Cobra insurance to make sure everything was taken care of......
........ when they informed me that as of yesterday, I was reinstated under w's insurance.
I asked as many questions as I could. My w and I moved to LA right as Prop 8 passed so she has the ability to take me off of her insurance at any time.
The Cobra company said that they couldn't say if it was her or her employer..
Maybe that was what w wanted to talk about last week??
It was SOO hard to not call w and straighten this out.. but I didn't. I've been reacting enough recently.
I still don't have the answers so I still think the NC is what I need to do.
However - I will probably email my wife to see if was a mistake or make her aware. It's a few hundred dollars that would continue coming out of her paycheck.
I'm not that kind of person. I can't willingly allow that to happen and at least not talk about it.
But an email is all that is required. No phone conversation necessary.
And I will wait the 48 hrs. That rule works really well for me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
(((val))) did you get your dental work taken care of? I did not think Cobra covered dental but I know Cobra is very expensive. I was told by my L that I could not drop W from my health care and that it would stupid to do so. If she got sick and no coverage I would be responsible also for any debt incurred.The WAW that works for me did the same to her H. They do it out of anger. Not sure if you should ask her?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Val- Based on your previous post I think you need to keep the NC going. You have been through so much and continue to do so and you feel this is better for you at this time so keep it up. That doesn't have to mean you are giving up or cutting the cord.
It shows that you have a hard time detaching from your W which we all do so maybe some more time with NC can lead to your further detachment from her actions.
With that being said I think you need to communicate about the Dentist thing to make sure she is aware. Try to keep it as short as possible.
I'm sorry that things are a little "confusing". This process as we all know isn't linear, so right now it's one of "down" periods. But similar to the ebbs you've experienced during your journey, this phase will pass and you'll come out okay.
You're in a new phase of the journey it seems...how the new you moves forward. I'm slightly behind you, so as I've echoed so often, thanks for helping & guiding me through the process.
Stay the course my friend...you are doing terrific.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
