Awww Val, we don’t know why they do what they do. We may never know. Rick has a good point about the legality of dropping coverage.
I think you are wise to wait the 48. Be true to yourself about notifying her.
It seems to me the more independent you become the more she pursues. I am not suggesting you get hope up. I maintain she needs to grow more b/c you have. I am suggesting maintaining present course at best possible speed.
This next is me projecting simply b/c STBX is still spewing, and may not have any bearing on your sitch. She may use continuing coverage to manipulate or guilt. Put the light amour on just in case and keep moving forward.
Peace (((Val)))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just of the top of my head it seems unnecessarily cold. Can you add a line at the beginning "Hope you are having a good New Year. I had a great time in PA and am now getting back into the groove at work" or just something generically friendly that you would write to a work aquiantance?? Just a thought
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Val I would only tell her what Cobra told you and that you want her to be aware. That you have been reinstated. The rest sounds like you are in hot persuit. If she wants to answer she will. ((()))
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I know. That is why I called you and would still like to talk to you about it. Please call me when you have a free moment.
W --------- I feel conflicted. I feel like I should be an adult and call her back. Obviously email doesn't work. But I really have a desire to keep with the nc *shrugs* idk.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
(((Val))) I don't know how others feel but I think u should call but be prepared for what ever answer. There has to be a reason for what she did IMO. I can think of many scenarios why some being legal, medical, guilt. IDK but I would keep it business like.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Val, what drives the desire to maintain no contact?
Initially I went dark as a tactic, and then I realized it was to carve out a safe place for me to heal. I’ve healed and gotten stronger. I am more the mean motor-scooter I was when I met STBX. Yet I’ve mellowed a bit. Not as mean, not as lean, but still _ _...... I’ve had no direct contact since Oct. I know I’ll comport myself well when next I see her, maybe we’ll even speak.
Is it fear, are you protecting yourself? I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit. An awful lot of water has passed under the bridge. You have put a lot of effort into yourself. You are not the same person you were. You will recognize traps previously caught in. You can avoid these. You can DB well.
Or are you truly done, ready to shut the door, to move on? Is it something else?
Sometime ago I copied this about coming out of the dark. Just in case. IDK it may have something for you. (((Val)))
Quote:
See also the fav in DB
"Choosing the medium" is an important decision when it comes to contact with your partner. Should it be by phone, text message, face-to-face, e-mail, cards, letters, television ads, sky-writing, etc., etc.? (What are some more possibilities?)
They all have their advantages, and disadvantages. "more of what works, less of what doesn't", and "180's" come into play a lot here.
Phone calls can be good if you're in the right frame of mind, and gives you the ability to be the one to end the call first. However, you may catch THEM at a bad time, and not end up with the results you want. It doesn't allow for seeing expressions, although a lot can be told by the tone of their voice. Keep in mind the possibility that if a phone call DOES go bad, you may have called at the wrong time.
Voice-mail and answering machines can work well, as long as you don't fret over any time-delays for a response.
In my situation, my wife had a LOT going on while we were apart from each other. Phone calls didn't work because either it was a bad time, she kept getting interupted, or her phone battery would go dead. E-mail didn't work, because she had no computer access. Face-to-face didn't work because of all that she had going on in her life, and this method usually turned out bad.
One thing that DID work well for me was cards. She always loved the cards I gave to her, because of the things that I would write inside of them. Made her cry almost all of the time (happy tears, btw!). So, I began by sending her cards, some funny, friend type of ones, without all the mushy writing. No OR talk, just hey, how you doing. I sent her 2 cards for her birthday, one from me, one from the dog, both very funny. I also sent her one around the time of an annual trade show of mine that we were both very involved in, telling her my appreciation of the tolerance and enthusiasm she had for how involved I was with this show in years past. I skipped any cards for our anniversary and Valentine's Day.
How did the cards work? Well, pretty good actually. It took over a week for her to acknowledge that she got them, and, even then, it wasn't a huge response. However, after I sent them, she did initiate the contact with me by phone, and made it a point to "make the time" for us to talk a bit. The talks soon began to become more frequent, for a longer duration, and slooowly became much deeper.
Text messaging back and forth on our phones to each other also worked great. It didn't interupt anything that either of us was doing, it forced me to keep the message briefer, and have no expectations for an immediate response.
And, no, I never went as far as doing the TV ads, or sky-writing!
What are some more possibilities for "mediums"? What things haven't you thought of, or tried, yet? What small contacts could you do to start the butterfly effect in motion?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Val, last November I read this from this post to me.
Originally Posted By: Val
I'm glad you have a gameplan... and I think it's important to have.. but I think it's even more important that YOU believe in your changes.
I think that we sometimes get caught up in our own fear with it comes to communication with our spouse. It's like even though we work on ourselves for months.. it can all go away with one interaction with them.
The truth is that IF our changes have been for ourselves all along.. the fear WON'T happen. It can't happen because that person no longer exists.
Believe in you, believe in your changes.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I was reinstated because of the questions I asked Cobra. Caused some red flags. W found out that because we hadn't legally separated, she couldn't take me off.
Here is our conversation as best as I can remember.
W: do u know why u have been reinstated? M: no cobra couldn't tell me why. W: tells me what I wrote above. M: oh ok. W: so we need to take care of the dissolution papers. Do u know what that entails? M: yes.. I looked into it W: well I don't know what your schedule is like.. But I'd like to take care of it in the next week or two. M: send me the papers, I'll let you know when I'm ready, W: (pause) ok. It's easy. I didn't look at it all because I didn't want to deal with it but it's only one paper. We meet the criteria. M: k. W:how r u? M: fine. U? W: Busy. How was your holidays? M: good urs? W: weird.. But good M: good. Pause.. W:I'm sorry.. I'm all weird.. ( followed by alot of stammering). M: well.. Just speak ur mind. W:.. I just didn't know how this conversation would go. I've been living in fear all week because I didn't hear from you. I assumed you lawyered up. My head ran away from me. M: that makes sense. Fear can do that. I have no intention of getting lawyers involved.
Somehow she brought it back to her calling me.
M: I didn't realize your call was about health insurance. W: well next time I'll leave a detailed message so u don't ignore me. (can't remember exactly she said it). M: I wasn't ignoring you. It didn't sound like an emergency.. So I thought I would get back to you when I Could. W: ok. Well next time I'll leave a better message so u don't think that's it's for social reasons or whatever. M: k.
W: can I ask why u did it? M: did what? Talk to cobra? W: yes. M: because the separation document extends insurance from 18 to 36 months. I can't get independent health coverage due to my heart condition so I needed to find out all the info so I could best take care of myself. W: well I'd prefer not to pay for jan. M: no problem. I'll send you a check. W: well it's going retroactive so I'll have to pay for December.
Ackward pause..
M: alright well (trying to end the convo) W: (interrupts) ill send you the amount and email you the dissolution document. M: sounds good. Thanks for calling. Bye
And that was it. I have alot of feelings going on for sure. Still trying to process them all.
Thanks for the posts JS.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
