Wife Left Part 3

[CO1978]

LAbug thanks for checking in on me, to make a long story short...

I am on LRT full speed. I went as dark as possible.

W no longer comes to house in mornings to watch S (my choice). S now lives with her except when I'm off (since I have nobody to watch him while I am at work). Tonight W will drop him off for a few hours while she is at work and pick him up (she said she will start doing this as much as possible since I don't get to see him much now).

Less time seeing her. She is continuing to move stuff out, continuing with divorce talk. Said she wants to use our tax return to pay lawyer, if I don't "play ball" she will go for everything.

I went to my IC on Wednesday, he told me not to quit on marriage, even after the MC session on the 18th (that went pretty bad, more on that later) he thinks there is still hope. He said she is in a lot of pain and hurt which shows she still does have feelings even if she won't admit it.

W still has not gone to get help (counseling) for herself, so the doubt in me that a chance for reconciling is growing.

I must say I no longer feel sadness, all that has turned into anger.

I cry only when I miss my S. When I dropped him off and he told me to stay with him in his "new" bedroom I cried (in front of her, which later made me angrier at her).

I know the anger towards her isn't good, I have a feeling its going to push me away from want to reconcile. My IC explained that it is part of the grieving process.

Oh well got to go work out, S is getting dropped off shortly after, will post more later.

[BklynMom]

I like how you are handling your sitch. In many ways I think the only way to slow down the train is to go faster then the train.

Keep up the working out, someone will love that.

[labug]

Glad you posted CO, I knew you were going through a tough time and I was a bit worried.

Anger is not a bad thing in and of itself, it's how you handle the anger that's important. Glad you are keeping up with IC, I know you are hurting.

[edgarb]

CO1978,

Sorry to hear things aren't going all that great at the moment. But your IC is right...she is still hurting. Just give her as much time as you can. Keep DBing. Let her see you are moving on. Strangely, that triggers something in WAS sometimes. How did the session on the 18th go? You can still do this!

[Grmpy_Mnky]

You can go faster than the train or just step out of the way so you don't get crushed. Hange in there. I applaud your commitment to your marriage - I'll be keeping an eye on this one.

[CO1978]

Last night W dropped S off as she went to work. She asked if I just finished working out or something (was in sweaty clothes still) and if I was still losing weight, because I looked like it.

I just said, I'm not sure if I am losing weight, I am just working out as much as I can still.

I kind of ignored her because I was hugging and talking to S for first time in a few days, and really missed him.

Later that night W came to pick S up after work. He was sleeping. We had a decent conversation. She immediately began to vent to me about work and life living next door to her parents.

She brought up "when this is all over" (or variations of it) a few times. I acted "as if" and showed no different emotion to her comments, and did not comment back towards her divorce comments.

I complimented her on her hair (she wore it down, she always wore it up in a pony tail for work), "noticed" her new jeans, and when she said she stated about starting to wear her hair down for work but won't wear make up, I commented she didn't need make up.

I also in a subtle way made sure she noticed I was still wearing wedding ring (counselor told me to do this). I had taken it off after the counseling session on the 18th (I am pretty sure she noticed I did). My way of saying I didn't quit, without actually saying it.

[edgarb]

Glad to hear you had some positive interaction. Remember, you guys are still a long way from D. I know she constantly seems to bring it up, but you did the right thing by acting "as if." No reason I see that you have to talk about it or think about details at this moment. That's a big 180 for you, so congrats!

[CO1978]

Weekend is going well. Its a 3 day weekend for me, so I have S.

As for the MC session back on the 18th. W said said things that hurt me, and would hurt anyone no matter how much detaching you think you did.

What it came down to is she is convinced she has absolutely no feelings for me. She wants a divorce so she can "get away" from me, and the last 7 years meant nothing.

When W made statement she didn't want to hurt me, counselor said "You do have feelings for him" she got mad and continued to say, "No I don't!"

She threw everything back at me (no surprise) that I said or did during the separation saying that by me trying to stop the divorce I was being controlling.

She didn't want to listen to anything the counselor had to say, especially when he said all we needed was time to heal. She said she was afraid my changes wouldn't last, and didn't want to hear that there is a good chance that they would.

At the end of the session I agreed to "give up" and not stand in her way for her to get her divorce. I told her she can come over and we can split our assets and get on with the divorce.

Nothing that was said was a "Shock" as so many have posted similar things from their WAS, and I was well prepared for it.

After the session I pretty much blew her off, I was so angry. I knew inside I wasn't giving up, but no matter what I said in the session wouldn't have mattered, the only thing she would accept is a divorce.

2 days later she came over we packed more of her stuff up, she took some stuff with her and said she would rent a moving truck to get the rest. We pretty much had everything figured out of who gets what.

She agreed to sell engagement ring and pay off our bills with it, we agreed to sell time share, and agreed on what to do with tax return.

I asked her to change her last name back, because I didn't want her to have my last name while being with other men. She was upset at first because she said she wanted to have same last name as S, but she agreed to it.

I also told her I would pick up and drop of S on my days off and she could no longer stay at house in mornings, because it wasn't fair to continue to go on like that.

I probably shouldn't have made that decision, because I see my S less, but I feel its less confusing to S to wake up at my house and expect to see his mother there.

The day prior I had gone out to dinner with a female friend, W asked me "How did your date go?" I told her it wasn't a date, that she is just a friend, and I am not ready to date yet. W said same thing that she didn't want to date anyone yet, but she is very curious about dating, and her friend from work keeps asking to set her up.

I feel I am in LRT mode at full speed. Even though the other day when she came over I felt she "used" me to vent to. I am not sure if I should continue to let her do that, or even cut that off.

the dilemma is: Do I let her vent and see she can still talk to me and trust me, or cut it off and hope she misses venting to me.

Either way I won't initiate any conversation anymore when we see each other.

[Mach1]

W said said things that hurt me, and would hurt anyone no matter how much detaching you think you did.

Were the things she said true ?

That is usually why things like that hurt so much.

the dilemma is: Do I let her vent and see she can still talk to me and trust me, or cut it off and hope she misses venting to me.

How do YOU want to be ????

What are you working toward with either of these things ?

Which one of these things are you doing for you ?

And which one are you doing to get a reaction from her ?

Which actions, support your words ????

[CO1978]

Were the things she said true ?

That is usually why things like that hurt so much.

I don't know if the things she said were true. They were her feelings. It hurt so much because for the first time I believed them.

How do YOU want to be ????

What are you working toward with either of these things ?

Which one of these things are you doing for you ?

And which one are you doing to get a reaction from her ?

Which actions, support your words ????

Honestly I don't know anymore. I know I love her, but I don't want to hurt anymore.

I like to listen to her, but I don't like the feeling of being used.

As I told my IC, I am done apologizing. I know my mistakes and am done reliving them. I know the solutions and will only focus on them.

My IC asked me (in front of my wife) what I want. I told him apparently it doesn't matter anymore. Then said I want to continue to improve myself with or without her.