Wife Left Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry the session was so painful. At least things were unearthed and you know more of what you face.

Weekend is going well. Its a 3 day weekend for me, so I have S.

As for the MC session back on the 18th. W said said things that hurt me, and would hurt anyone no matter how much detaching you think you did.

What it came down to is she is convinced she has absolutely no feelings for me. She wants a divorce so she can "get away" from me, and the last 7 years meant nothing.

as you have heard 100 times here, those^^^ words are not written in stone even if she meant them completely WHEN she said them...

it's impossible to erase 7 years or say that NOTHING in them was good. At least let THAT roll off your back.


When W made statement she didn't want to hurt me, counselor said "You do have feelings for him" she got mad and continued to say, "No I don't!"

See comment above


She threw everything back at me (no surprise) that I said or did during the separation saying that by me trying to stop the divorce I was being controlling.

She didn't want to listen to anything the counselor had to say, especially when he said all we needed was time to heal. She said she was afraid my changes wouldn't last, and didn't want to hear that there is a good chance that they would.


we KNEW this^^^. OF course she fears your changes are not real b/c she does not want the old m again.

All WAS's fear that. Don't gloss over those "OCD" things & the drinking, b/c although your list was very good-

some of it revealed how hard it must have been on HER to be in that situation...from my perspective anyhow.

At the end of the session I agreed to "give up" and not stand in her way for her to get her divorce. I told her she can come over and we can split our assets and get on with the divorce.
Nothing that was said was a "Shock" as so many have posted similar things from their WAS, and I was well prepared for it.
[b]
After the session I pretty much blew her off, I was so angry.[/b]


"angry"? You just said you were "prepared" for it.

Or hurt, disappointed or frustrated? It's sort of important b/c anger has been a bigger issue for you than you are recalling atm.

Why the Anger?

How did "blowing her off" look, work, or show change in YOU?


I knew inside I wasn't giving up, but no matter what I said in the session wouldn't have mattered, the only thing she would accept is a divorce.

2 days later she came over we packed more of her stuff up, she took some stuff with her and said she would rent a moving truck to get the rest. We pretty much had everything figured out of who gets what.

She agreed to sell engagement ring and pay off our bills with it, we agreed to sell time share, and agreed on what to do with tax return.

I asked her to change her last name back, because I didn't want her to have my last name while being with other men. She was upset at first because she said she wanted to have same last name as S, but she agreed to it.


You are the first man to say this^^^ that I know of. Geez,

I Can't decide if it smacks of more control on your end,

OR
angry spite,

OR
jealousy, the most...or all three.

Not helping you. NOT Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...just punishing her.

CO, what happened to what you have learned here?

You seem to think that if you do not drink, you're all better. But If the other behaviors continue, that's what is called being a "dry drunk".

Do you attend AA meetings? They help ALL r's.

I went to 12 step meetings and they did more on a day to day basis to help me cope with h, than nearly anything else. Learn the Serenity Prayer and say it. Daily or hourly...

You seem fine when there's no challenging event...but

When the going got tough, you reverted. We often do at the start of this, but you have to recognize it when it happens. To me, this was a backslide.

You have an opportunity to exhibit TRUE CHANGE in you by staying on course EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT EASY...


I also told her I would pick up and drop of S on my days off and she could no longer stay at house in mornings, because it wasn't fair to continue to go on like that.

I probably shouldn't have made that decision, because I see my S less, but I feel its less confusing to S to wake up at my house and expect to see his mother there.

Well, what's the truth^^^ here?

Was it to "Teach her a lesson" (& punish her), have less pain for you, OR to help S? How does it help S if you see him less?

Wasn't one of the things she commented on favorably, was that you are now a better dad? Does this undermine that perception?


The day prior I had gone out to dinner with a female friend, W asked me "How did your date go?" I told her it wasn't a date, that she is just a friend, and I am not ready to date yet. W said same thing that she didn't want to date anyone yet, but she is very curious about dating, and her friend from work keeps asking to set her up.


I'd avoid asking her ANYTHING about her private life and not provide details about yours. BE mysterious but UPBEAT about it...not silent or festering or closed off.


I feel I am in LRT mode at full speed. Even though the other day when she came over I felt she "used" me to vent to. I am not sure if I should continue to let her do that, or even cut that off.

WTH? What?? You felt "used" b/c she shared her feelings with you?

CO, She didn't ask you to mow her lawn or clean her toilet. She SHARED her feelings with you. Remember that LIST of yours & how you'd listen, make "eye contact, validate", etc? Where'd that go?

Do you want to "show her the consequences" of her choices-- by closing off any possibility of friendship, that could later serve as a foundation for a healthy r with her----or more--- b/c you are mad?

Do you see this for what it is? Geez, give her something to MISS by being as kind and friendly and upbeat as possible. You don't see her that often.

True, YOU might not "get" anything from it right away, except a better r, you might not reconcile ever.... But SHE MIGHT benefit...and like you...let that be enough for now.

B/C the more of a friend you are for her, the better the r you'll have, regardless of the rest. THAT is a worthy goal no matter what happens to the m

Don't make this all or nothing or you'll get nothing.




the dilemma is: Do I let her vent and see she can still talk to me and trust me, or cut it off and hope she misses venting to me.

Either way I won't initiate any conversation anymore when we see each other.

You want her to choose between all or nothing, YOU will get nothing

and her needs will be met elsewhere.

[CO1978]

"angry"? You just said you were "prepared" for it.

Or hurt, disappointed or frustrated? It's sort of important b/c anger has been a bigger issue for you than you are recalling atm.

Why the Anger?

How did "blowing her off" look, work, or show change in YOU?

She made the comment that she knew I was angry after the session. She applogized to me, and I told her it wasn't her fault, and I shouldn't have acted that way, I just needed time to get it out of my system. I think I used anger so I wouldn't cry anymore. I was hurting really bad, and no matter how prepared I was for it, it hurt.

You are the first man to say this^^^ that I know of. Geez,

I Can't decide if it smacks of more control on your end,

OR
angry spite,

OR
jealousy, the most...or all three.

Not helping you. NOT Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...just punishing her.

Again it was in the moment. If I could take that back I would too. I won't bring that up again. I think the anger put me into punish mode.

"Well, what's the truth^^^ here?

Was it to "Teach her a lesson" (& punish her), have less pain for you, OR to help S? How does it help S if you see him less?

Wasn't one of the things she commented on favorably, was that you are now a better dad? Does this undermine that perception?

I think there are a lot of factors in this.
(1) W expressed not liking to get up early in the morning to come to house, and it was "killing her"
(2) Less confusing for S
(3) Less pain for me, I'll be honost, its not the primary reason, but it is a reason.


Thanks for the 2x4, I did need it.

I guess the feeling of being "used" is coming from her statements of having no feelings for me what-so-ever, yet she feels she can still vent to me.

I do know the serenity prayer and do say it a lot.

Instead of our morning exchanges we will have some night exchanges, where she will drop him off before she goes into work and pick him up same night.

I will continue to let her vent and be a friend to her, and stop letting anger cloud my judgement and not take it personally.

I will let her vent and expect nothing, because that is what kind of person I want to be.

Heck I let inmates vent to me all day at work, its kind of funny now that I think about feeling used because my W wants to vent.

[Mach1]

Honestly I don't know anymore. I know I love her, but I don't want to hurt anymore.

I like to listen to her, but I don't like the feeling of being used.

As I told my IC, I am done apologizing. I know my mistakes and am done reliving them. I know the solutions and will only focus on them.

My IC asked me (in front of my wife) what I want. I told him apparently it doesn't matter anymore. Then said I want to continue to improve myself with or without her.

I think you should take the time to really think about some of those questions....


You healing from all of this is so essential right now.

And I know that you both need to heal, but I will tell you this...

YOU are the one here, so I am gonna lay that responsibility on you.

CO,

The things that she said that hurt you. Those are the things that ARE her feelings, yet because there is truth to it ( I.E.- the way her truth affects you) , you are acknowledging that she is probably correct on those things.

But you know what ???

That can be a good thing...

It gives you a road map to change that in yourself. We may not always be that self-enlightened. We get to a point when we think we have finally become the person that we think we want to be, and when we get called out on our behavior, and we live that hurt. What starts as anger, once we can process that, and do those things because those are the things we don't like in ourselves.....man, what a gift we give ourselves.

And not to sound nasty here....

But F her for now...

You can do those things because YOU expect more from yourself.

You expect different responses because you are enlightened.


What I saw in your response ?

I see a guy, struggling too hard to control the outcome of this.

I see you struggling to give the appearance of being different, instead of taking the time to do the work and actually BE different.


Your response to her ???

Well, if I can't get what I want, then I'm going to take my toys from the sandbox, and go home. This (to her) is still about you trying to get your way.

She said that she didn't trust your changes, and you went forward and proved her correct.

YOU have admitted that that anger has not served you well in the past...

Even if it was in the moment. Not an excuse for not doing better.

All of the "buts" in your statements, are excuses, for not doing better.

All of this pain that you feel inside, how is it justified in the end if you choose to not learn from it ?

So let me ask you one question....


IF...


You would have walked into that counseling session, and she said she wanted to work on things....

What steps have you actively taken, the ensure that you patterns of behavior are different for the future ???

Do you think that YOU are ready for that to happen ???






The hard questions are the best ones to answer CO...

Einstein would have been a regular guy if the only question he was ever asked, was the sum of 2+2....

[CO1978]

I understand what I need to change. I got to stop trusting my gut instinct and really think before I act.

I had said this to her before. My gut instinct is what made me such a great leader in the military. I always had to react and make decisions quickly or people could have died, whether they were right or wrong. I could deal with the consequences of my actions later.

Well marriage is completely different. I need to stop and think, make a decision, stop and think about decision, then act. It takes getting used to, and she understands this about me now.

She talked to her boss at work all about what was going on, because her boss went threw same exact thing with her husband. I mean same EXACT thing. My W didn't say a thing to her boss about what was going on but everything her boss would ask my W, my W said "yeah that's my H!" or "yeah that happened to him!" My W realized exactly what I was going through, but she said she realized it too late for her to want to change the marriage. Her boss left her husband for 6 months and went back and said things are great now. When my W told her boss she left, her boss was shocked.

I am not just trying to appear different I am changing, slowly, with some stumbles, but I am getting better. I think I "try" too hard in front of her so she sees it. Other people who don't know of my situation, but know me have said to friends of mine they have noticed changes in me.

No, I know I am not ready to get back together, and I told her that. I asked her if we could continue counseling together to see if we could get to a point were we can work on things.

Well she isn't going to do that, so yes it is up to me to continue to go alone.

[Mach1]

CO,

First of all, please don't think I am beating on you here because I enjoy it. I understand how hard this is.

I am not , in any way, saying you are a bad guy...

You seem to be no different than most of us here. A pretty great person with suk-ass relationship skills.

I will be honest though....I would love to hear more about you and less about her, or what you think she is doing/thinking.

What steps you are taking towards healing yourself ?

I know that that seems like such a cliche statement around here. And I realize that most people get tired of hearing that coming from the "vets"...

I will tell you this....

Working on those things, for yourself, because YOU feel that you need to change those things that "sting"...

Is your best chance for a chance in the future with her, or whomever your next relationship is with....


I like you CO. I want your future to be as bright as you can imagine it being.

The only way to help you, is for you to open up and help work toward that.


So let me ask you this....

Why do you think you get so angry ???

[CO1978]

First of all, please don't think I am beating on you here because I enjoy it. I understand how hard this is

As I said before, I don't take it personally, I know you are here to help, I have thick skin, let me have it!

What steps you are taking towards healing yourself ?

I am continuing my IC sessions (once every 3-4 weeks),

I am continuing sobriety (AA meetings are in future, so far the schedule conflicts are preventing me from going [mostly time with S], I am hoping Thursday night will be first one),

I am going to church and will begin volunteering with church activities(got to wait for volunteer work to start in March, but name is on list),

continuing to be best father I can be to my son,

spending time with friends, I get out at least once a week,

Why do you think you get so angry ???

That's the million dollar question. My guess and my IC agrees its probably mostly contributed to my OCD/perfectionist attitude.

My IC and I are continuing to work on changing that. Its a hard thing to change.

Its funny how something like OCD and being a perfectionist can make you excel in the military and at work and fail miserably in a marriage. Great leader, terrible with affection and feelings.

[labug]

Glad to hear you're going to give AA a chance, that could be the best gift you give yourself and help you attain your goal of being the best father you can be.

[Rick1963]

Hi CO someone asked me the same thing about why I get so angry. Well the things that I have learned latetly is that
1- we give ourselves permission
2- we have justified it and they deserve it because they did us wrong
3- we don't think much of ourselves
4- we saw it growing up and think it is the way to do it
5- we want to hurt that person into being what we think they should be like
6- it has become a part of our responses to others when we think they are not being fair.

just my 2cs.

[keep_going]

In my case, I would have pretty much the same list as Rick, plus:

7 - Because we have learned it as a defense mechanism when we feel hurt or rejected
8 - Because we don't have effective problem-solving and compromising skills
9 - Because we have low self-esteem and fear showing vulnerability

[25yearsmlc]

CO

if you don't like or feel comfortable in the first AA group you join or attend,

find another. I'm not an alcoholic but I had a 12 step problem and after going to 3 or 4 different groups I found a women's only group that I felt very comfortable.

I'm still amazed at how many times I was hit on at the first groups. Good grief...

Not bragging either, trust me, these were not "winners" seeking me out. ANYHOW, please bear that in mind.

Something tells me you are in a correctional facility--(as a guard or supervisor not an inmate!).

If so, You won't see a lot of love or affection or positive affirmations going on there all day. YOU are allowed to be angry often as you want there. You don't need a reason b/c you have all the power. Maybe that's an issue for you to consider.

Sadly, You will see many ugly things people do to each other.

When I practiced criminal law it depressed me. I had wanted to be Perry Mason and save the innocents from the jaws of injustice. Too bad most were guilty and I usually lost. 3 years and I was burnt out.


If I'm way off there, feel free to ignore all this.

Hang in there. It's not over yet.