@2 - Thank you. Yes I am truly dark right now until I have heard about the health insurance from my L friend.
@AC - The not talking is not set in stone, BUT it is healthier for me at the moment because I do want a relationship with my wife and she does not.
I have accepted that in regards to not reaching out to her.. ever. But my heart still holds on to hope. I need to shelf that.
@JS - Yes that wouldn't surprise me if it was a touch and go. I'm sure it's part of that losing control. I played out all the scenarios in my head. They all lead me back to not responding.
Even if I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she was truly worried... so what? I say I was ok and we go back to status quo? That doesn't work for me right now.
It was an extremely hard decision to make. Who would have thought a small text response would bring tears and nightmares??
Who would think it would be so hard to love myself in this way...
.... who would think it would be so hard to love my wife in this way.
But my well being is not the concern of someone who does not want to make an effort to be in my life. I don't care what our history was.
If she truly cares - she will reach out again. When she wants to be part of my life - she will make the effort.
I can help with the journey - but she has to take the leap.
I'm worth that.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
(((VAL))) yes you are so worth it. I am so proud to have a friend 20 years younger and so sharp. You have a bright future kid. Hope I did the math right? Man I'm getting old
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Received an email from W on Monday saying that she still hasn't received payment for January and wants to know about December.
I'm trying to be patient for the answers from my free lawyer friend.. but I don't think I will get it any time soon. However I did find out that the reinstatement finally went through.
The email brought up a ton of emotions for me. In the end, I can see why she wrote it. I guess it also explains the text from Saturday.
I feel pretty at peace with my decision to not pay for December, and only pay what I would pay for Cobra. (This amount is about $100 less because her company adds a family fee).
I know if my heart that I would not hurt my w intentionally. It just sukks that my actions with be "hurtful" to her.
I struggle with writing my response email.
The first and obvious reason is - I am scared of w's response. She is not going to be happy. I'm sure she is going to fight back. It's scary to think about all the ways she can respond.. especially given our past two months.
Am I strong enough to handle the venom, or the guilt. I hope so. I actually pray that my heart can remain loving.. and no matter what... remember that I am doing a loving thing by not stopping her from feeling her consequences.
No matter what she says.
The second is that...I'm just having a hard time finding the words. I have no desire to punish my w for what she has done... I'm just losing my desire to protect her. I feel like saying "Hey this is your bed, lie in it".....
...but at the same time, everything I write to her feels like it's coming across as punishment. I feel there needs to be some explanation to why I am not going to pay for it.
IDK - Maybe it's not even possible to construct such an email.
This is what I have.
------------ W. The check is in the mail. You should receive it in the next day or two.
The check is for $X. This is the amount I would pay if I was on Cobra. This is the amount I will continue to pay until I am able to go on Cobra.
I will not be paying for December. You illegally took me off of your insurance and I do not feel I should pay because your job discovered this information and reinstated me.
Payment was late because I was waiting for final confirmation from Healthnet that the reinstatement process was fully complete . From this point forward, payment will be sent out at the end of every month.
I will be in contact again once I receive all of my tax info so we can schedule a time to file them for the 2011 year.
Val
--------
Brr.. it's cold.. but honestly I don't know how else to put it.
Help please?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"The check is for $X. This is the amount I would pay if I was on Cobra. This is the amount I will continue to pay until I am able to go on Cobra.
I will not be paying for December. You illegally took me off of your insurance and I do not feel I should pay because your job discovered this information and reinstated me.
Payment was late because I was waiting for final confirmation from Healthnet that the reinstatement process was fully complete . From this point forward, payment will be sent out at the end of every month."
This ^^^^ I would exclude.
"W. The check is in the mail. You should receive it in the next day or two."
This^^^^I would leave.
My question is why are you paying at the Cobra rates???? her health care is pretaxes right? So it does not cost her that much. Just sayin
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Try and understand you are not punishing her in this. If she chooses to interpret it as punishment it is she that is doing so.
In my own sitch an angry backlash is usually a manifestation of frustration over loss of control, and my, spouse, typically feels the brunt of what she manifests.
(((Val)))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hi Val, I agree with Rick and JS- the rest is just unnecessary at this point. The extra words are probably just telling her what she already knows and/or will figure out when she sees the amount of the check.
You're stressing over it, and you don't need to. You aren't responsible for her reaction to it. And you don't have to listen to it, either!
I feel for you, we are going through some really similar emotions right now. Going dim (can't go totally dark with D) is keeping me sane, too. Do what makes you feel better.
