your replies to me were honest and I appreciate that. But do you see that you are still
in the moment, reacting the way you did before? Why would your wife think you have changed
IF
when things get tough, you revert?
Your friends notice the changes b/c they are not in that trench with you.
Knowing what NOT to do, is Not the same as Knowing WHAT TO DO...
you need positive role models or some sort of PLAN to follow for this.
See if an AA group or sponsor can provide that. Look for someone with years of sobriety and a working m.
My h's bf had a dad who was a lousy h and father, He took his own life after his 3rd w left him
H's bf is the best h and dad I know. Great role model too. So I asked him how HE became such a good h and dad, given his role model sukked so badly.
BF said "I knew what NOT to do from my dad. But I didn't know what TO DO b/c I had never seen it
and when things were hard for us, I would simply TRY to avoid doing the bad stuff my dad had done, but I had nothing to replace it with...
until
I realized my own FIL was a great role model for me. And so I look to him to fill that void. And I know men at work who help me lead there..."
food for thought. Know any good h's? What are they like? Know any good dads?
And how about the ones who are divorced but not furious??
reach out, good men exist. Many are right here on this site.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Its funny how something like OCD and being a perfectionist can make you excel in the military and at work and fail miserably in a marriage. Great leader, terrible with affection and feelings.
Are you talking to your counselor about transitioning from Military life into Civilian life ?
Anger is an emotion that is very hard to understand. As I said I am not completely sure what causes it and I know I can't always control it.
25 yes I am a guard at a correctional facility (hence the CO in CO1978 for Correctional Officer)
It is a difficult job to go home from and have a "normal" day. I really wish I had quit my job a while back when my W first suggested it. It was hard to because of the money and benefits. Its not easy to find a good paying job with great benefits and job security these days.
I am coping better at work now, IC sessions have really helped with that.
Finding someone who has a good marriage is not an easy task (definatly not going to find a co-worker), but I will look.
Mach1 I haven't talked much about the transitioning, but I really should ask about it next time I go. I have been out of the Military now for almost 8 years, and never thought it had THAT much effect on my life.
About a month ago my wife asked me (after a talk with her boss) when I got home from Iraq what kind of counseling/training did I receive to cope with what I went through over there.
[I was in Iraq with the initial assault from March 2003 thru October 2003, the rest of my unit came home in March 2004]
I told her, because I came home separate from my unit, I did not receive any kind of counseling. She said her boss said that was probably the case.
I never thought I needed any help with these issues, until my W pointed out that when I drank (and was really drunk) I talked about things that happened over there, and it was the only time I really talked about it.
She also said sometimes I talked/got loud in my sleep about things she thought may have been related.
These are things I never realized until she told me a month ago.
By the way, I am now on Ambien to help me sleep. The first night I took it, it had no effect, but it has gradually gotten better and I am actually sleeping now.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
Anger is usually the result of a deeper emotion that we've been burying because we don't want to face whatever it is. I hope you keep with the IC and uncover this deeper stuff.
12-Step programs like AA can help, too. You might also try AlAnon if you can't get AA meetings that work with your schedule. They're not the same but if others around you, friends or family, are problem drinkers you could benefit from that program, too.
Best of luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you were to be brutally honest with yourself...
How many of your interactions at home, were conducted in a "military" style ?
How much of the time, were you still "in charge" at home ?
This is something that we discussed after our separation. She understood why I acted like I did, and knows that I didn't realize that I was doing so.
I know not all interactions where this way, but a lot of them were. A few weeks back she made the statement that I treated her like she was my property, It really hurt me when she said that.
I never felt that she was my property. I didn't realize I ever came across that way, she never once said anything about this until we were separated. To know that I could be that way to the person I love and not even realize it makes it worse.
She takes equal blame for a lot of our problems, for letting me act the way I did as she put it "walk all over her." She said it started small and just kept getting bigger and worse. She said I couldn't tell because she was "pampering me", so I began to expect it, and when I didn't get my way (controlling) I got upset. This pattern went for just about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that went on in our relationship.
The only controlling behavior she mentioned to me while we were married was the money. She now admits that my taking control of the money started out with good intentions, but went too far after years of control.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
These types od realizations ^^^^^, I am finding, are the key to personal redemption, CO. Try your best to tackly them - it is obvious that you are not happy with them - now would be the time to DO something about it.
In the meantime, I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all by letting your W have some space/time without you. I am still in the thick of it - but I am fairly certain that is what got my W to a point where she was comfortable enough with me to not be angry.
Control your anger and intial emotions/reactions. Looking back, I am seeing that mine served me very poorly. Moreover - almost 100% of the time my initial reaction to something my W said, did or asked for was the complete OPPOSITE of what it should have been. 180s and "as if" helped me a lot there.
Thanks LA, I checked it out, lots of good info there to think about.
W picked up S today. I asked her day was going, she vented.
She made quick copies of tax papers to start our tax returns.
She told me about a creepy old guy "stalker" that has been coming into store. I asked her if she was alright, I could tell it really bothered her. I again asked her if she was sure she would be ok, and said it looks like it bothered her, she said she just needed a nap and would be ok. We discussed ways she could protect herself from anything dangerous happening.
She commented on some other really old guy asked her out for dinner, then commented, she couldn't understand why all of the sudden, and she thought maybe its because her weight loss.
She asked why she attracts the weirdoes, I jokingly said, "Gee thanks, that's the sweetest thing you could say to me!" She laughed and said "I didn't mean you." I told her its because she has always been really attractive.
We talked a little more about her sales at work and she took S and left.
That still cuts deep having S leave like that. I will see him for a few hours on Saturday, but it hurts not having him everyday.
M 33 W 29 S 4 M 5 T 7 11/7/11 Separation, W moves in with parents 12/1/11 W: "IDLY, I'm not coming back, it's over" 1/7/12 D Bomb Dropped
