Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[Valeska19]

I always feel like I should always start my journals with a "warning" sentence..

I am still on the emotional rollercoaster of December. It's actually been a huge part of why I lurk more than post. I'm not sure if it is wise to support people when I seem to change my mind every post.

So my warning for this post is this. It's long.. and will have alot of God in it. You can continue reading if you are "ok" with these things.

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Majority of the month of January has been spent opening my eyes, ears, and heart to what God wants for me. Much time has been spent in prayer, in tears, fits of anger. Moments of clarity followed by utter confusion.

Rinse and repeat.

I feel that God has made it clear to me that my wife has not changed towards me. Her need to control me and our sitch has caused many feelings. One that clearly sticks out is anger.

I am angry at w because I truly thought some of the conversations we had in November was a spark of change in her. But I was reminded again though that true change happens when we can do it in the face of fear, when things are most difficult.

My wife is not there yet. I think she meant what she said in the moment, but sustaining change has never been her strong point.

I was mad at God for teasing me.. for not protecting me.

I was mad at myself for not guarding my heart better. I think the last two just made me realize that God will protect me, but I need to not put myself in harm's way. Faith isn't walking onto a busy highway blind-folded and expecting to live.. that is just stupidity.

So yes.. I am ANGRY that my wife is still controlling me.

But sometimes anger is needed to move forward.. and I think it gave me enough momentum to realize that I do not want to be in a r with a woman who controls me.. even if it is my w... a woman who I deeply love.

It has helped me realize how much my self worth has grown since this all happened.

But it's easy to stay there... in the anger.. but if I stay there I can't grow. If I stay there - I can't move forward with my best foot.

I honestly don't know if I can be angry and loving at the same time. I know God talks about a just anger.. but I don't know if that's what this is.

If I can't.. I'd rather be loving vs. angry. I'm happier there.
But what does that look like for me?

It has come to my attention that even though I was told through my cobra company that payment would start from the time I selected it, I actually would have had to pay since she took me off.. aka December 1st.

I gotta be honest - it makes the argument for her to pay December uncomfortable for me. Knowing that I would have had to pay it anyway when I went on Cobra.

Now it's hard to say what decision I would have made had I known this info before making the decision to go Cobra. Maybe I would have looked into different options, maybe I would have taken my chances.

It is impossible to know...what I would have done.. but it is also impossible to move forward ignoring what I have learned.

I know my wife also doesn't feel she should pay for it. I still don't know if I agree or disagree with that statement. It's hard for me to feel like I am entitled to anything in regards to her. Her 401k, or spouse support, or the health insurance.

She does a damn good job of convincing me that I don't.. Honestly, I do a damn good job of it too.

So I have a call out to a L to just see what the laws are in California. If she is legally obligated to carry/pay for me.. than it doesn't matter what she feels or I feel. The law is there to protect.. I have to remember that.

I will continue to pray about it also. It could go really any way.

1) Letting her pay for December - doesn't feel completely loving for me.. especially with this new info. But then again, nothing that I do that upsets/hurts her feels loving to me.

2) Paying for it myself - well it would bring me to my knees in alot of ways. It's alot of money that although I have in my savings, am hesitant to spend. The added expense makes me nervous and adding that on top of my sh!tty computer, a root canal/crown, and a rusty car has me a little scared.

Actually I'm petrified.

But maybe I need to just have faith in God that he'll take care of me. I remember praying every month that I would make my bills.. and I did.

It's funny that when sh!t hits the fan, our inclination is to run away from God and try to take things back under our control.. when we should be running towards him and placing more faith in him.

I guess it's just human nature.

Regardless.. I just want to make a loving decision. I want to make a decision that I won't look back and regret. I want to make one that I can live with.

I've gone ahead and composed an email that I am thinking about sending to wife. I am sure that it will seem like pursuit, but in some ways.. I don't care. I'm not worried about saving our marriage anymore. I really just want to save myself and continue to love my w.

I'm not sure how no communication is good communication.

I'm not sure that me thinking that my not retaliating towards her in the past 9 months should be enough for her when she clearly fears being hurt... is the right mindset to have.

I don't know if setting boundaries without at least some explanation is wise and What would a loving reminder hurt vs ignoring and enforcing when she starts to cross them?

Maybe it's time to try something different?

It's an email in response to her email sent Friday in which she gave me the new insurance amount, asked me how I wanted to handle December's fee, and reminded me AGAIN that she wanted to set a date and sign the dissolution papers.


Here it my response:

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W,

I got your email. Thank you for the info.

In some ways... I don't know why I am writing you this email. With everything almost settled and us only moments away from being out of each other's lives, it seems silly to want to change a dynamic that in the next month will no longer exist.....

.... but the truth is that I still love you and I have learned to love myself... and in my eyes, we are both worth the effort to create change. I am tired of the assumptions. I am tired of assuming things of you and being hurt by the assumptions you make of me. I don't care if after next month we never talk again, I will not live one more minute in our status quo. I guess I'm silly then....

....So this is me talking to you.

I am ready to sign the divorce papers, including Chicago. I know that this is what must be done, and I am ok with it. However I am grieving, and I am struggling to have faith in God when it comes to my future. We are working through it, but it's a slow process.

I'm praying about the health insurance in regards to the amount. I was told that I wouldn't have to start paying my insurance until I officially elected Cobra which was January 14th. Obviously we were both given a lack of or wrong information. It is hard to say how our decisions might have changed given the correct info. Unfortunately, I don't think we can ever know.

I do know that it has brought up alot of emotions for me. Emotions that I need to feel and then deal with before I can move forward with a decision or even a starting discussion point. I cannot stop myself from having them, but I can stop myself from acting on them.

I am sorry if my "processing" has caused impatience or fear for you. It is not my intention to cause delays or to cause turmoil in your heart. I just want to make decisions that I will be able to live with. I deserve that.

And although I consider myself to be a loving person, it would be silly of me to sit here and deny that I have negative feelings towards you. I meant what I said that day in the coffee shop about forgiving you, but I have learned that forgiveness is not something that just comes naturally. It is something that we need to work at. It too is a process.

So until I can say that I have completely forgiven you, I will take the extra time to make sure that my negative feelings don't become negative actions. Because you deserve that.

However both of those things I cannot do alone in this moment in my life. It is something that has brought me to my knees and has made me cry out for God's help. He has always answered, but the timeline always varies as it is a mixture of when he speaks vs. when I am open to listen.

Sometimes his answers go against the way I have always acted towards you or myself. Other times.. his answers go against all the feelings I am having. It's probably why it takes so long.

But this is the commitment that I have made to myself, to you, and to him and I will not break it.. no matter how much you or I may want me to at times.

That is where I am at. This is who I am.

But I promise..I will reach out to you when I have some answers.

-Val

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Told ya it was a long one. Thoughts are welcomed of course.

[~ kd ~]

From your post, it sounds like you've worked through the anger. Great if you have. If you still feel yourself there, take a moment to pray... look in the mirror... or speak to your inner child, about it...

WHO are you angry at? Your W... or you...? Feel it, experience it, own the anger... and let it go... as you would any overwhelming, uncomfortable feeling...

rinse and repeat as necessary...

Your W may (rightly) fear being hurt... so should you...

Protecting your W from her fear does not have to be your job.

As always, a letter CAN cause a chain of reactions. Like walking onto the highway, wearing a blind fold... take the blind fold off...

What would it mean to you if there was no response?

What would it mean to you if there was a positive response?

What would it mean to you if there was a negative response?

What does sending the letter mean... to you...?

And once you've owned responsibility for the letter... as is... or as you might modify it... and your choice to send it...

Let it go, and step forward...

{{{Val}}}

[~¤DG¤~]

V-

I've been meaning to respond to your post, please don't think I've forgotten about you because I haven't.

It sounds like you are struggling a bit right now, and I know how hard that is. I am glad you are taking the time to pray and talk to God.

KD asked some very good questions. What are your answers?

[JustStunned]

Val, please don’t feel as though you need to apologize for a post. Pour it out here, we’ll read. More than one person on this board has told me I need to feel the emotions to work through them. I still feel anger though not as much as I once did, and I have better coping mechanisms now. You do too!

I still hope my sitch will bust. I have no expectations it will before the decree becomes final in a few months. I’d like that, but if it doesn’t happen I’ll be ok too. Hoping for the outcome we want is normal. You’ve look inward and are changing what you’ve found needs change. I do not get a sense your W has done the same.

In my opinion speaking with an L to understand your rights and help you navigate the potential morass before you is wise. I cannot speak for CA, but in OH everything gets split pretty much down the middle unless otherwise agreed to. Having a third party filling out the paperwork and watching out for your interests takes a great deal of the emotional trauma out of the process. It frees you from focusing on it and they will obtain your agreement before submitting it.

You have not retaliated. You have tried to be as accepting and as loving about this as anyone could be. We all have been, are, or will be faced with decisions we will second guess in the future. As long as we keep those decisions within the limits of our core values we will be able to face ourselves about them.

It seems to me that Val should be at least as accepting and as loving to Val as she is to W if not more so.

Please use care with this email. Not only b/c you’re agreeing to sign the divorce papers, but for the reasons KD ask those questions. It is your call only you can decide. I suggest running it past the L you mentioned.

Love yourself (((((Val)))))

[jbnati]

Val - I agree with what JS and KD said.

Don't worry about apologizing for a long post. It was very heartfelt. I think a lot of us feel a lot of the same things. I think you are very in touch with what you're feeling. I think a lot of us, including myself get a lot of reading that.

Hugs to you. ((()))

[Valeska19]

@DG - No worries sweetie. You got alot going on in your world.

@ JB - Thanks for the hugs! I don't doubt me being in tune with my feelings.. only the consistency of them.

@JS - Yes. I do need to take care of Val as much as or more than w. It's hard to know what that looks like.

In general, I don't think of myself often. I'd much rather buy something for others than myself. I like volunteering. I do my best to understand different perspectives.

These things are not bad on their own.. as long as there is balance and as long as it truly from a loving place.

But my co-dependency skews that. It twists my motives, it abuses my good heart.

Especially in regards to my w, but I also see it in my friendships.

Which brings me to your questions KD.

From your post, it sounds like you've worked through the anger. Great if you have. If you still feel yourself there, take a moment to pray... look in the mirror... or speak to your inner child, about it...

WHO are you angry at? Your W... or you...? Feel it, experience it, own the anger... and let it go... as you would any overwhelming, uncomfortable feeling...

I think I am WORKING through my anger. I don't think I'm ready to use that word in a past tense... not for awhile.

As I continue to grow and I realize the toxicity of my relationship, the abuse, the codependency, the anger rises from time to time. At myself and at my w.

I know this is normal - I just want to make sure I'm not acting on it. I want my actions to be loving to both of us.

Sometimes my loving actions aren't popular with my friends and family.

Sometimes my loving actions aren't popular with me.

It makes sense - now that I am slowly breaking free - that my loving actions won't be popular with my wife.

Your W may (rightly) fear being hurt... so should you...

Protecting your W from her fear does not have to be your job.

No it's not.. and I need to not do it. At the end of the day, I can show her a 1000 times I won't retaliate, she has to MAKE the choice to believe me.

I cannot help her with this as I could not in our m. This is a demon she will have to work through. My only part - is to not prove her right. This does not mean bending to her will, but knowing in my heart that there is not one ounce of punishment. Not one ounce of retaliation.

As always, a letter CAN cause a chain of reactions. Like walking onto the highway, wearing a blind fold... take the blind fold off...

What would it mean to you if there was no response?

What would it mean to you if there was a positive response?

What would it mean to you if there was a negative response?

What does sending the letter mean... to you...?

And once you've owned responsibility for the letter... as is... or as you might modify it... and your choice to send it...

These are all great questions KD. One that I have thought about alot, talked through alot.

I did not send the letter. I'm not sure I ever will... because I have not changed enough.

The letter is just another example of many in how I function with my wife.

There is this part of me that doesn't want her to hurt. That wants to be mindful of her feelings and do my best to be considerate and loving.....

.... but that is overshadowed greatly by fear. By the fact that I am still afraid of my w.

As much as I can say as that letter was to stop the hurt in her heart (Which is true) or to be mindful of her feelings (Also true), I am also sending it so I can stop the fear that she won't punish me for taking time for myself. I am sending it in the hopes that she will understand and choose to treat me with the kindness I show her.

And that's a problem. Because I am loving out of fear - which in turn isn't very loving at all.

It's not the actions that are the problem, it is my motives.

So because I am fearful, I am incapable really of making loving decisions (at least not at first).

It's why I am so confused about the health insurance. Why I have such battles within myself.

It's like it's always a tug of war between being loving and being fearful.

I would like to just do things to "love" my wife. But in order for that to happen, I have to stop being afraid of my wife.

And that is the real challenge... especially when every time I do something out of the ordinary, she does EXACTLY what I am fearing.

So I probably shouldn't sign the papers yet or offer to pay or not pay for the insurance - because right now - they are actions being partly motivated by fear.

I think it will take years for me to completely rid myself of this fear and obviously I can't stop living or interacting with her for that period of time.

But my hope is the NC helps me get strong enough to not be fearful with these two decisions.

I know I should sign the D- papers. It's what I need, and it's what she needs. I just don't want to do it out of fear because if I don't - she will punish me.

As for the insurance - it's not a wrong feeling to not want to pay for both months - but it can't come from fear that I will piss her off or that she think I won't love her.

It can't be about her any more. I have to be confident in myself and my decisions. I have to truly understand that even though my heart is good.... as long as I hold fear in it... I can never hold the love I want to.

Thanks everyone for the support!

[Valeska19]

Received a text yesterday from w.

" Hey.. I know this is random.. But are you ok?"

Who knows why she is asking. Maybe it's my absence in fb, maybe it's because I have yet to get back to her in regards to the insurance.

Either way I haven't responded. As much as there is a voice screaming in my head to text her back.. At least a "yes".. I also know that not responding is probably healthier for me.

She chose to cut me out of her life so even if things weren't alright, she is not the person I turn to anymore. I no longer expect her to be there for me.

I have to remember that she chose this...

[2thepoint]

"Either way I haven't responded. As much as there is a voice screaming in my head to text her back.. At least a "yes".. I also know that not responding is probably healthier for me."

Good for you Val! Unless you have gone totally dark, maybe wait another day or so and then respond with something like... "Oh, hey just saw this. I'm doing fine, thanks." And leave it at that.

"She chose to cut me out of her life so even if things weren't alright, she is not the person I turn to anymore. I no longer expect her to be there for me.

I have to remember that she chose this..."

Good healthy perspective! Stay strong Val!

[any chance?]

Good for you, V. Keep up the positive outlook. The WAS makes the choice they make...some of them are reversable, some are not. It is healthier for you to look ahead and take care of yourself......at least that is the mantra I repeat to myself daily!

Hang in there.

[JustStunned]

Val, IMO her text was a touch and go, just checking for your attention. It doesn’t require a response. You have enough on your plate and don’t need to add to it.

Take what actions you need to, and be good to yourself.

((((Val))))