Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[mishka422]

No, I wouldn't have told him anything. Heck, he showed up with the broom at our son's football game when we were separated, not divorced. So, courtesy was far out the window.

Once its done and they've moved on, its really time to just let it go. You will be happier in the long run.

[ClingingToHope]

She texted back that she thought I had tickets Friday not -- not today....

Just a long, emotionally trying day. I bounce back and forth. I read a book, the Journey from Abandonment to Hope. One of the exercises in it is to imagine your life in five and 10 years. And right now it's such a muddled mess that I can't imagine myself in five years -- and I can't imagine myself happy.

I went out with a divorced friend for drinks. In some respects, I'm way ahead of him. He lets his XW get under his skin about kid stuff, then he lets off steam around them and the result is they are closer to the X than they are to him.

I've been pretty good at that. My relationship with the girls remains strong.

Another friend is divorced. His XW makes $10k more a year, just a got a big raise while he hasn't had one in three years and she's taking him to court for more child support.

There was lots to talk about. I remember hearing stories about divorces where one spouse moves hours away, severely reducing the amount of time they see their kids. I couldn't understand that until now. I wished I could just pack up and start over somewhere else. I can't though. I'd never leave D13 and D9.

I want to conquer this the right way. I want to come out of this a better person. I found some peace in thinking "What would Jesus do?"

He'd be happy for XW. She certainly looked happy today. He'd focus on his own journey and the journey of D13 and D9.

I need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

In a way, if we get the running races again this year, this was the end of winter. March through October my life revolves around the girls and my part-time running race job.

It was a mild but long winter. I have to remember I made this choice to be alone. DHU-41 wanted a long-term relationship and I let that go. There were so many red flags that I don't regret it, but I also wonder if I wouldn't have put more effort into it if I knew XW was dating someone.

The truth of the matter is that my emotional well being still revolves around XW and I have to change that. 98 percent of the time I'm doing well. I have to get to 100 percent though. That last 2 percent is a hell of a bridge.

[kat727]

You haven't been divorced a year yet, it takes time. I just don't understand people, usually men, that feel they need to date right away. you have gone throgh a trauma and you need to give yourself time to heal. Why don't you?

It would be like going through major surgery and the next day thinking you could run a marathon. It just can't happen.

Kat

[antlers]

Just a long, emotionally trying day.
Those happen. It's a slow progression. There are setbacks, and backsliding. Boy [color:#FF0000]the overall progress will be forward...even if it's slow...even if the steps are small. [/color]

I bounce back and forth. And right now it's such a muddled mess that I can't imagine myself in five years -- and I can't imagine myself happy. I understand that feeling. I don't think it's an uncommon one...especially for the LBS. there are probably plenty of folks who have felt the same way...who later wondered that they ever felt that bad at one time!


I've been pretty good at that. My relationship with the girls remains strong. That's a great thing! Embrace it...and keep it up!

I want to conquer this the right way. I want to come out of this a better person. I found some peace in thinking "What would Jesus do?"
He'd be happy for XW. She certainly looked happy today. He'd focus on his own journey and the journey of D13 and D9. Yes He would. You can too. If you're able to do it, I think it would help you to do so. It's helping me.

I need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Sleep is such a peaceful requiem from the hurt. Hope you get what ya' need.

The truth of the matter is that my emotional well being still revolves around XW and I have to change that. 98 percent of the time I'm doing well. I have to get to 100 percent though. That last 2 percent is a hell of a bridge. yes it does...and I understand. Letting go is a hard thing. Much effort, and time, and action...is required to do it.

[SunFunOne]

C2H: You have not been divorced that long. It takes a much longer time to get past those awful feelings. I hate to tell you - but you are not anywhere near the 98% mark. But you will only know this down the road - when you look back.

You would have put more effort into a relationship that you knew was not right for you if you knew ex was dating someone else????

WTF????

That has to be one of the single dumbest things I have ever read on this bb.

That is not one bit about what is best for you. Or what is best for your family. It is totally about using another person as a drug to make you feel better. That is totally absurd!!!

It takes a long, long time to get past the emotional beating we all experienced when our spouses left. Even longer if our spouses cheated on us. But if you have learned ANYTHING here - it is that we heal ourselves first before we bring another person into the picture. I thought you learned that after making a couple of poor choices in the dating world. Which you were in no way ready for anyway. But to actually think about working harder (or wishing you had) on a R that would have been disastrous for you? How is that moving forward? Does that mean you'd rather have ANYBODY rather than be alone. And because you'd be keeping up with your ex???? That is ridiculous.

OK - have your pity party today. First time I went somewhere (the funeral home) that ex brought his affair partner (now his wife) - I fell apart emotionally. (so I really DO understand how you feel). I left and cried all the way home. But I didn't run for comfort at a bar and pick up the first guy who bought me a drink (metaphorical). I vented to my friends. Licked my wounds. And vowed to continue working on the life I wanted for myself.

Ex has a controlling, cheating, predatory female who he is now married to. I have a loving, sharing, equal partner in my life. I waited until I was ready to find the right person for me. I did NOT settle.

Now stop with the crap thinking. It is ridiculous.

And I have one more thing to say that has really bothered me here when I have been reading. Anyone facing bankruptcy should not be planning a trip to Disney World. This is the mentality that has put this country where it is today. You should be getting a 2nd or 3rd job and getting YOURSELF back on your feet - not waiting for an insurance settlement or an easy out. Bankruptcy should not be the option. It is way too easy here.

Not what you want to read but there is much truth in my post.

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Life goes on and you can make yours happy.

Good job on the parenting, though. You get big points for that!

Barb

[ClingingToHope]

Last night I did feel like I'd rather have anybody than be alone. Tough night. The funny thing was when I was out with my friend Church_31 (now 32) showed up with a friend.

We talked for a few minutes and she went off somewhere else. I thought about her this morning. I really, really fell for Church_31 over the summer and, even though I wasn't sure she felt the same way, I made my feelings known ... and it didn't work out.

If it had worked out I wouldn't be having this kind of morning. I was really into her and I wouldn't have cared what happened with XW.

If I look at my adult life, I was in college 3 1/2 years before I found a significant other. After college it was a full year on my own before I found someone. When that didn't work out I ran into XW about six months later.

So I know in my head it takes time. I remember feeling really down then too.

In those cases though, when it was over, it was over. I never ran into them anywhere. Now it's different? It's like having to sit in class with the high school sweetheart who broke up with you.

Right now I'm counting miseries instead of my blessings.

Barb, I understand your point about the bankruptcy. It's something I wrestled with for 18 months. I actually have four jobs and donate plasma regularly for more money. But to get a lower child support payment I took on all of the credit card debt. My first few months out of the house I added to it getting set up and just getting out.

Then I spent a year living as frugally as possible, not taking the girls anywhere, and I was still only able to chip away $1,500 of the principal.

So I did the math. At that rate, I wasn't going to be out of debt for at least seven years. My oldest daughter would be 18 by that time and I would have put no more into her college fund.

You only enjoy your kids childhood once and I finally decided bankruptcy is the route to go. I could wipe out all my debts -- my car, my legal bills. I'm not. I'm just wiping out the credit cards I inherited in the divorce.

At that point, I'll be able to refinance my car loan and the some of my legal bills through my 401(k). That'll wipe out more payments.

I will finally be to the point that my regular job almost covers my monthly expenses and all of these side jobs can go to college funds and travel.

I don't spend money willy nilly. I have a piece of paper on my fridge where I track my income and expenses of every two weeks, my assets and debts monthly, my current balances and my lowest monthly balance.

It's beyond OCD, but I stare at it every day when I'm getting something to eat. This bankruptcy is going to be a major embarrassment and humbling. Six years ago I thought I had all the answers. In the past three I'll have gotten divorced and gone bankrupt -- and someday down the line XW still is likely to lose the house to foreclosure and I'm on that loan too.

So that's kind of the trifecta of adult failure. If God tears people down to build them back up, I've been knocked to the floor in lots of different ways.

BUT if I count my blessings it is the girls. I am friends with a business man in town who is going through a very expensive divorce. He has a temper and he's allowed his XW to use it against him to the point he hasn't seen his 9-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son since January. His 16-year-old is above the manipulation and is going to court to get more time with his father.

But losing your kids, he says, is even worse than losing a wife and I can see that.

In the end, it's their opinion that matters most. When I'm all gone, I want them to remember that I was someone who didn't quit, who kept going and who was always there when they needed them. And the fun. I want them to remember the fun we had and not the sadness.

So that keeps me going. As Andy Stanley says, your path leads to your destination. If you get in the car and drive north, you'll never reach Florida. I feel off the path yesterday. I have to get back on it today.

[antlers]

Build a life for yourself and your kids. Slowly, in pieces. don't worry, you are not going to miss anything.

That's pretty good advice...especially coming from someone who's only 31.

As you know, getting left behind injures your self-esteem and self-worth. And you feel that if you're not moving on as quickly as your WAS is, that there's something wrong with you. And that dIminishes an already weakened self-esteem and self-worth.

I think attitude and reasoning have a lot to do with it. We have to learn to think in more healthy ways...in addition to doing as Gineen advised.

[kat727]

Gineen has come a very long way. It was just last year I think that several of us were tired of beating our heads against the wall for her. She just wasn't getting it. Almost every post was referencing her ex.

I think that when it finally sinks in, you are able to open your eyes and see what kinds of things that you need to move on. Do we all kind of miss what might have been? Sure, but we don't stay on that channel. We get up and get moving!

Kat

[kat727]

I am very proud of you Gineen. I do see the difference. I am not sure people that haven't followed your situation realize the rocky road you have traveled. Big hugs, you are doing great!

kat

[antlers]

I think we all can relate to 'control your emotions, or they will control you'. When we don't detach, we run the risk of becoming out of control of our emotions and experiencing greater low self-esteem and low self-worth as a result. This, at a time when we need to feel more worthy, not less.