I hope everyone had a pleasant New Year celebration. I had to work, and made plans with friends to just chill out and have some drinks and food. Called my W around 815pm to wish her and the family and our S a happy New Year but no answer so around 9pm just sent a text wishing the family and our S a happy new year. No response, but whatever.
As a recap, the D paperwork is still going back and forth and I've just been focusing on my rights as a father. In November, paperwork showed (finally!) an agreement to joint custody, and an arrangement with bi-weekly visitation and being able to have my S to my own but she retains the right to supervise. I've been debating on asking for unsupervised visitations, and I mean her choice to be there is optional but I wonder if she understands the true brevity of such a choice.
For example, Christmas Eve and Day fell on a weekend this year, so on the Eve I visited after work, ate dinner with her grandparents and our S and proceeded to gift giving. S was overjoyed at everything he got (thomas trains, clothes, DVDs, etc) and he had gotten me a cool blue zipper sweater (I love zipper sweaters and blue is my favorite color...guess W remembers some things lol) and he had gotten my W a lotion and spray set from Bath and Body works (I wonder how he knew :P)
On the day though, I had arranged for our S to spend time with my mother and my brother (more gifts to boot) and my W wanted to come along. I politely asked if I could have the day to just him and my family and she said she doesn't feel ready for that. I didn't argue and I just said, "Ok cool, its a family day then."
Outside of the joy my S had seeing my mother's christmas tree and opening gifts and playing with the new toys right away, my W retreated to a chair off to the side, occassionally was texting lord knows who and had the only look of depression and discomfort as my S was laughing it up and my family enjoying his presence. At one point I asked her if she needed anything to drink and her response was a cold, "I'm fine, focus on enjoying your son with your family." I stated I was and that I was just making sure she was comfortable. She reiterated her statement to which I responded, "I am focusing on him. So is my family. But you're sitting here with your face in your phone and looking all uncomfortable that maybe you should be enjoying the time with our son as well. We may be where we are in our lives but we're still family."
She just looked down and I left it at that. Since our son got quite the amount of gifts from my mother and brother I offered to take them back and I walked back with her and S to her parent's home to drop them off, said our goodnights and gave our son a hug and kiss and wished her and the family a Merry Christmas.
Anyways just wanted to start this up as my previous thread was getting huge. Hope everyone had a pleasant holiday, and may 2012 bring us good things!
It's our S birthday today. Two years old...man time does fly. It's like yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time.
Some journaling,
As I was looking for a birthday card for S, I had an urge to get my W a thank you card for being a wonderful mom and for giving me the gift of our S.
I debated a good 15 minutes with myself and decided against it. Yeah it's pretty spiteful I guess because my reasonings where "She doesn't acknowledge anything you do currently, so why should you," to the more sensible, "You show her your love by being there for your son consistently."
So I opted against it, got a gift and card (so broke as I overdid it for him on Christmas) and offered to buy the cake for his little party this coming saturday.
I'm just all over a little bit emotionally...and just figured to write this out.
Happy New Year Val, Hopeful and everyone else who pops in on here from time to time.
I had a great time yesterday with my son. Wife thankfully wasn't home from work when I arrived so my son saw me come into the room and had the only smile from ear to ear and leaped into my arms when I knelt down to hug him. We played a little, watched Bob the Builder and Thomas, singing along as we do. He's now trying to cover my mouth when I sing along with him as he wants to do it on his own. Little mister independant now!
Wife showed up near the end of Thomas and we both spent some time with our S. I had a prior engagement so when her father arrived I had to head out. A fleeting feeling in the back of my head got me thinking W wanted to have a talk, and sure enough she did. I think I've developed OmegaZed-Sense at this point.
She naturally led into her question this way:
W - "I know you didn't come here for this, but I wanted to know what you are planning to do with the D papers."
Me - "I don't think this is an appropiate time to discuss this."
W - "I thought we reached an aggrement?"
Me - "WE didn't. Our lawyers did."
W - "So you're going to delay this even more?"
Me - "I obviously don't want to discuss this now, however you're not leaving me much choice. I'm waiting a call from my lawyer and I'll go from there."
W - "Why do you keep delaying?"
Me - "I'm not delaying. I disagreed with terms and I have a legal right to protect my interests as a father and allow my son appropiate access to me."
She then proceeded to go on about how she felt she wasn't being spiteful or mean and how this shows I'm still selfish and can't let go. Mentioned how my mother and brother basically didn't acknowledge her when she visited on Christmas and compared it to how her family acknowledges me (I held my tongue here hardcore b/c my family is extremely hurt by her actions).
A few times I did respond.
W - "You never took an interest in S's daily wellbeing, only when you felt like it was needed."
Me - "You're right and for that I'm sorry. Obviously I want to change that now and you're doing all these measures to restrict him from me."
W - "I'm doing these measures because you've been so shady during this whole ordeal."
Me - "If I have been, why haven't you brought it up to me before. We have to be in communication now more than ever because of our S. We both want his wellbeing, so I don't see what the problem is."
W - "I haven't brought it up because your answers are so evasive and you word things wrong sometimes."
It went back and forth some more but eventually through remaining calm and not argumentive, we agreed to better communicate with each other especially in regards to our son. She reiterated prior to that agreement she still isn't comfortable with me being alone with our S because she feels I don't understand him yet. I just said I will do my best in the time I am given with him, but with only bi-weekly visitation by the time you do trust me, I'll have missed out on so much of his early years. She said she'll try to see if she can let me do more.
I just changed the subject back to communication and that's when the convo started to go towards more positive headway.
I truly no longer know who this woman is anymore, yet all I feel in my heart is love for her. It is the most confusing thing ever.
It also confused me on how she saw me disagreeing with the custody terms and visitations rights as delaying and refusal to let go. It's baffling, and yeah to a degree it made me think that maybe, just maybe I was doing the wrong thing but my IC said it was just script, and I remembered in my earlier thread someone had posted that she may use it as daggers towards me, but it will be just script (I think it was 25...I'm in need of a refresher on my own sitch I guess lol)
Overall, it could have gone worse but I felt good getting my piece said and I guess for her in a way she got what she wanted out.
I think...I think even with the divorce going through...I'll be ok.
As always I hope this new year has many finding themselves in a better situation or at least still fighting the good fight.
I go in to sign the D paperwork tomorrow. I fought a good long fight, and while it's not entirely the way I envisioned it, I'm at the very least ok with having Join Custody of our S and visitation is a bit more streamlined.
In a prior conversation she mentioned she still doesn't trust me and I just sympathized with her. 50% of what they do and none of what they say right? She felt I was sneaky and that if I did want things done right I would have just agreed to the original stipulations. She felt that I lied to her in saying I agreed to the divorce (my exact words were actually, "If you want a divorce, I cannot stop you." Really now? I'm confused at the world she populated in her head, but I would rather have died before I let anyone get sole custody of my child and even then I'd make sure I'd haunt whoever had sole custody if that were the case.
The trust issue does bother me though. She felt I was sneaky and lied to her on the basis that I contested custody and visitation. Not once did I disagree on paper to the divorce, I mean let's face it she was intent on this for a long time and I'll just let her live with it as I continue to be the best father I can be, but I just don't get it. I would chalk it up to script I guess, but as of right now I'm just going to go through this with my head held high because in the long run, I did what I felt was right for my relationship with my son. And in many ways, so did she. It just [censored] we couldn't come to amicable decisions face to face and she relied on cowardly attack tactics to try and push me to sign faster, but I stood strong. I don't know if it was the right thing, I just know I had to fight for my son, and if she holds that against me I think that says more about her than it does me.
On a brighter note, I had an awesome time taking my S to a Thomas and Friends Holiday Show at the New York Botanical Garden during his birthday week. He got scared of Thomas, but he definitely enjoyed hanging out with Daddy. She came along for it too to supervise, and all in all we actually had a good time. A small, solemn reminder of how things could have been. I guess as is always the case, time will tell.
I'll try to catch up on all of your posts in the meantime and psot where viable, but I do want to thank all of you for the assistance through thick and thin. We're all in this together and right now I may be divorced, but I'm definitely not done.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother talking to my mother.
I explained the decision to my mom and she was all like, "Why are you giving up, if you need money we'll find a way. You need to see that boy and he needs to know he has a family here too," x, y, z this that and the third.
Just told her that I was done. It's not just the financial and emotional strain this has caused me over the past year but it's like...why burden my mother with that. I did what I could and it got me joint custody, a more flexible visitation set-up and the child support which we haggled and argued over the past few months is manageable. So what if I have to be more restrictive on my own money...its for my son so there is no question about it. Just hated that she used it as a tactic to kind of force things her way but it was negotiated and we came to an agreement.
I couldn't drag this out any longer. I wanted it done because I wanted to really focus on my life and focus on being a father and with a looming divorce over my head, I couldn't do that. Something had to give so after a year I fought for what I really wanted out of the matter and this is where it got me.
That doesn't mean I give up. That doesn't mean I stop being a father. I'm well aware that down the line, I could go back into the saddle and fight for full custody, but that's money I don't have right now and I realistically don't believe it's in the best interest of our son at this time.
Just needed to vent this out...responses are welcome as always.
It's been a while. Time flies when you're GAL hardcore. Threw myself back to school, was laid off end of January and now on fun-employment while looking for work and finishing up a degree. Grateful I saved up enough to keep me afloat while in this transition.
Valentine's day came and went. I picked up a card from my son to my W/Ex-W? (Don't really know what so say...as since I've signed the papers in January I haven't heard zilch) and got her one myself. Refrained from giving one that said to my W, just a basic thinking of you on this day. I kept the cute one for my son to her which she told me she enjoyed.
While she has been distant and to herself, I have noticed she is a bit more calm around me, even at times more cordial and warmer. She occasionally will start up some small talk with me when I'm playing with our S and generally seems to be nicer around me. I don't understand it especially after months of hardship and the random venom spouts, but it is a welcome change.
Truly not much else to report on the matter, as I'm just focused on my S and myself at this point. I still miss her and being with her terribly, but I've put those thoughts behind me to focus on the bigger picture. Friends and family seem to believe I look and sound better lately so that's kept me in a good positive mood and mindset. I'll lurk around catching up on some of your threads to see what I've missed. Hope all is well!
OZ Love that you are GALing hardcore and that your family sees positive growth in you.
Keep it up!
I've heard that WAS tend to soften after the D slightly.. as if some pressure has been relieved.
I don't know if this is the case for your w.
But if you can handle the welcome change and no place any expectations around her being warmer and not small talk, then let continue to let yourself be exposed to the positivity.
Keep on keeping on.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My ExW/W grandfather (her fathers father) passed away today. While I myself was not terribly close to him as he lived in PR mostly, it is sad for me as I still view it as family. What hurt me was a text she sent me about it.
"My grandpa passed away, I have no other details at the moment. S helps me cope well. No need to call or anything thanks in advance"
It stung to read that. So cold and distant. I had half a mind to tell her how hurtful she had put it.
It took me an hour to respond with "I'm sorry to hear this and for your loss. Please accept my condolences and extend them to your family."
I really wanted to call to offer support, but figured I'll wait to call (which I plan on doing friday evening) and perhaps send a sympathy card to her family.
I just can't fathom that she would say something like that. Well regardless, I will pay my respects in whatever way I can. Just..hurt a little you know?
