Well given my thread is going to lock up anytime now I thought I'd start a new one.
I decided to add the (and other things) because, well other things come up!
Right now Im having one of those moments where my head still spins a bit, and Im curious what other people think. I realize that right now Im grinding on things that I really need to let go of and not bother thinking about them anymore. I've generally done a good job of this, but this one thing just keeps popping up in my mind.
I still can't get it out of my mind how H said to me that he felt horribly abandoned and alone by me, put on the back burner, unloved and unwanted.
Now. How does one feel unloved and unwanted, when your wife makes a point of asking you how your day was and really does want to know? How does one feel unloved and unwanted when your wife comes and scratches your back and offers to rub it on a consistent basis because it hurts after a long day of work? How does one feel unloved and unwanted when your wife consistently asks what you'd like for dinner, or asks your opinion on something, or tells you about her day? How does one feel unloved and unwanted when your wife gives you compliments and flirts with you? Tries to initiate sex? How does one feel abandoned and alone when your wife shows a consistent general interest in you?
You know the only thing I can think of is he spent so much time reading my emails to friends and family about how upset I was at time or problems that we had, that instead of stepping up to the plate and confronting me about his spying and what he discovered ( which he did after he left)he kept it secret and it turned to poison?
I realized my wrong doing was not confronting him in many things. But I became accustomed to him either avoiding it at every cost or snapping at me. So I shut down too.
I know I need to let this go, but man it bothers me. I just can't see the logic in sitting there telling me I treat him like he's invisible when, he's the one that did everything to avoid me and quality time. Gaming 18 hours a day? Sleeping all day and working all night? Working opposite shifts so we never see eachother, then purposely freezing me out?
To me I see nothing but projection. He was gone way before he was gone and completely in the OW grasp I guess.
You are so right Tested. Thank you for that insight I really need that at times! It helps my perspective and this will help me as I continue to process my ever changing emotions and sort them out.
I don't fully believe that I did.
I don't believe that I did, because if I did do it all, then I wouldn't have failed.
I think what drives me nutts is knowing that I must learn to let go of so many questions and unresolved issues I have over this. There have been so many issues that I have questions about that never got answered by H. When he did answer a few of them nothing made sense to me, no matter how much I tried to have sympathy or even empathy with him. Nothing made sense.
I guess that's why Im so frustrated. I just don't understand him and I guess I still have a horrible time accepting him the way he is, espedcially when I see changes for there have been so many, I don't even know who he is. It took forever to accept where he was in MLC, but I did. I finally get used to that and now he's acting like the man I haven't seen in years....like when we were first dating kind of years!
I guess Im beating myself up over something I had no control over. How was I supposed to know what was really going on inside of him, if he didn't choose to share this with me? How was I supposed to get any clue of things I was possibly doing to make him uncomfortable if he didn't clue me in on it? How was I supposed to know?
I guess what's so confusing is that he appears and seems to be very happy since he's left. That's kind a slap in the face when someone tells you that they're miserable in a marriage because of you, then turns right around and says they still have every intention of being your friend, and then actually act better out of the marriage than inside of it. Then you're looked at as evil for treating your relationship as the divorce that was wanted, yet they turn right around in the same breath and say " I don't hate you like you think".
Kimmerz, Please stop beating yourself up over the comment he made. It is projection at its finest. He is the one that didn't come forward and talk to you about what he was thinking and feeling. This is the PA behavior and yes, they are going to be alone because they have chosen not to expose their true selves to people because of the "fear" rejection, etc.
You are not a mind reader! You did the best that you could over what you had control of. His projection and his warped perception are going to drive you insane.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I still can't get it out of my mind how H said to me that he felt horribly abandoned and alone by me, put on the back burner, unloved and unwanted.
My H said something like that to me. And it was kinds funny, because that is how he made me feel for years. I did everything I could think of to connect and he pushed me away.
My H's obsession was yardwork/remodeling. And he did some intense projects that had no bearing on reality. Like building a tiki hut and carving out paths up to the tiki hut/firepit. Lining the path with several truckloads of red lava rock he hauled up this steep hill. Building benches around the fire pit. Clearing a ton of jungle to open up the view. We have had 4 parties there in the 3 years since he had to do this.
My H HATES social events. But loves to show off how much work he has done. But his actual comment to me was: "I feel like a one man show around here." Which I interpert as him only seeing his work and not seeing mine.
Is me making a quilt any less important than building a tiki hut rec area?
I am reading the 5LL book. Keep putting it down because I am grumpy about the fact that I am on my 27th R book and feel like I am going backwards! I have pondered taking all the books up to the firepit and seeing if that benefits me.....
So pretty much I think you and your H were speaking different languages, and both ended up feeling alone. You spoke of rubbing his back and other physical stuff. What is his love language?
What is yours?
I am still trying to figure all this stuff out. Because even if my M is done, I'm assuming someone else will come along. And I don't want to have not learned anything for all this pain!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I don't believe that I did, because if I did do it all, then I wouldn't have failed.
I think what drives me nutts is knowing that I must learn to let go of so many questions and unresolved issues I have over this. There have been so many issues that I have questions about that never got answered by H.
How can somebody be in a crowded room full of friends and family and be alone at the same time?
I think if something bothers you, there is something to learn from it. I also think that you did everything you could to "connect" but it takes two. 5LL is "interesting" but how do you apply that when somebody leaves? How do you apply that when somebody else isn't being honest?
I think you did what you could and went beyond reasonable.
You are very much beating yourself up over things outside your control. It's part of it. At some point though, you'll realize that a) you won't get an answer from him, b)that you don't want to be with somebody who treats you like that and c) even if he did give you an answer it doesn't change the "what" (happened) or how he treated you.
His decisions are his. His accusations are projection and you cannot change them. To try is to drive you nutty.
Believe me, it leads to insanity
This wasn't about you and any faults you may have had don't justify what he did. That's becuase it wasn't about you. It isn't about you. If it was, then you could have controlled it.
Accept what is and not what should have been. Accept what is now. Accept that you did your best and even went beyond.
Perhaps what you need to learn is acceptance more than anything
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I appreciate you explaining the "proven desirability" because this was an issue with me many years ago during the first 5 years of my marriage. I will openly admit that I got sucked into the online chat room - cyber ordeal. I never did have a PA with these people, just online cyber flings....
...My husband of course discovered these things and to say it hurt him is an understatement. When I tried to describe it to him then and even years later Im not sure if he really grasped that it truly was me and not him. I now know he never let go of that because he told me after he left and we started fighting about all this stuff swept under the carpet. However his actions for years afterwards indicated we were moved on from it, it was no longer a problem, and we were just a family growing together and raising our kids. I honestly didn't even think about it anymore. He was my husband, and I wanted him and only him.
Having been on his side of the cyber thing...he may have thought/thinks it IS infidelity. When W did this in phase 1 of MLC, even though I researched the why's, etc...there was something in me that broke...my last belief/illusion in life, that W and I were something special, made for each other by the gods, etc., was shattered...one of our theme songs was/is "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica...
You said he didn't do the research into your "why", and I am assuming he didn't go to counseling or anything either. He also continued to snoop, seeing all the emails regarding M issues...so I would guess he never recovered from your cyber infidelity, so maybe he didn't trust all your nice things you did for him and somewhere was hanging on to victim mentality.
Unresolved, he ran from his discomfort into the gaming (I stayed in micro-brews...).
For me, her cyber-infidelity and EA, the shredding of phone bills so I wouldn't see how much see was talking with OM, was the absolute LAST thing I could have imagined from W. Even non-sexual stuff I saw when I snooped at first hurt...like "Oh, wouldn't it be fun if we went out to dinner and I wore this hot little dress and you wore...". I would think, "Why don't you want to do this with me???" (we have always been tight with cash since the kids and she's a SAHM).... I felt like a paycheck, not wanted for fun stuff...just business.
Even though I did my research into why and such, I didn't recover my true self again, and full trust. Even though I didn't snoop, I was hyper-vigilent (though I THOUGHT I trusted again...) with her behavior....and I knew when something was wrong this time around with W.
Quote:
I realized what I did was for my own emotional issues and he was not a failure because I had them.
Somewhere inside, he didn't believe this. Without counseling, etc, this ate at him somewhere where many of us men try not to go...
So, now in MLC, maybe this is expressing itself (along with all the other demons from the past). Because he didn't trust anymore at a deep, fundamental, level from way back when...
Quote:
it turned to poison
No trust/questioned trust=not loved.
When he changed shifts to work opposite, was it his choice, or was it instigated by his employer?
If it was his choice, was there a financial advantage to do it, like higher pay, reduced child-care expenses, etc? If so, then he was probably doing what he thought best to provide for the family.
If his choice, but no employment/financial advantage, then maybe it was running/detaching, idk. I do know that with me, I spent/am spending a lot of time at my office...escape the first time around with phase 1 of W MLC, this time around it is to give her space since we still co-habitate, or to give me (cheap) space away from her Alien mode...
Just my .0314
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
One thing I wanted to add is that it sounds like he is projecting fear of abandonment onto you, I had/have(?) that same issue. Once I got counseling with EFT after BD, I am in a different place...your H needs some counseling to resolve that, his trust issues, etc.
The OP doesn't have the baggage from the R that we LBS do... yet....
He hasn't logically put together the fact that she worshiped and went after a married man with kids, thus her morals are ummm..."less than stellar", and what might she do when tempted down the road when H isn't Mr. Magic Man anymore...
That thought will eventually cross his mind, he will file it away under "denial", but the underlaying trust/abandonment issues will slowly fester away at his feelings towards OW, I reckon.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
