I want to see your quilts! I know you're a patient person because you quilt! I used to sew alot in High School, and I even made my wedding dress. But when I did quilting in High School, I lost patience.
You seem like a pretty amazing person yourself Wendy. I admire your strenth and your ability to GAL so well amongst the hell you're going through right now. Quite frankly I don't know how you've done so well! If you're feeling a little BLAH... I hope to shout that's just a little appropriate considering! I've felt alot BLAH for almost a year. Im tired of it. Having good outlets and friends helps get out of the Blahs. I think that's part of the reason I tend to get very stuck mentally. All I really have is my kids. Not alot of friends or family anymore. My H family was my family. My mom died 7 years ago, my aunt is 500 miles away and I haven't seen her in 12 years. My grandma is 92 and is bed bound with severe dementia. My best friends are far away and I only see them a few times a year. So all I do is work, come home and see my kiddos, which I love. But I also need some ME time too. So when the kids are at their Dad's, it's me time.
I guess Im odd. Im a loner, but too much of being a longer is not a good thing. I like to have a balance between solitude and socialization. So Im trying hard to think of things to GAL and get more social. I wish there were meetup groups around here, but there isn't any.
Lately I've been starting to feel the joy I used to feel in taking care of my kids and my home. I was so happy being a SAHM. Im trying to focus on that more. I haven't been as present with my girls as I wanted to be because I've been very depresseed over all of this. I didn't realize just how depressed I was until I started coming out of it some.
You'll have to start your own meetup group, Kimmer! The "anti-social" meetup group and at events, have everyone sit at different tables and not talk to each other...
Not sure about how you roll, but I do find that attending a lounge on a regular basis or perhaps better, a coffee shop... I like to engage with the bartenders and attendants... becoming "regular"... because these are the people who see many people... many "regulars" on a day to day basis and can connect you with people...
Like you, I am a bit of a loner, some self-imposed, some by circumstance of trying to be a "good H" and always coming right home from work, not being a sports fan, etc, blah, blah...
What GAL activities can you do that are "home related" and involve the kids? How about going through Julia Child's French cook book? Making homemade bread, making home-brewed beer (...heh, it is fun and educational, and would probably flip stbxH out... ) How about veggie gardening? Saves $$$ too... What hobbies did you used to have as a kid or later, that have been put by the wayside raising a family? Reading? Heck, thrift stores can keep you in books for pennies...and so much to learn that escapes our everyday needs perceptions.
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I didn't realize just how depressed I was until I started coming out of it some.
I hear you on that...when they said the LBS would be doing all the work, man, I had NO IDEA how right they were. Trying to repair/cope with the MLC'er/R, keeping a roof over our heads, the kids affected as little as possible, the financials...all without our partners who used to help us at least a bit....ugh! And having little emotional support outside of these forums, it really gets lonely out here in our hinterlands.
Hang in there and here for ya! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Funny about the loner part. I feel more and more like being alone more. I think I have always spent much time alone. I used to always have my nose stuck in a book!
I try to stay engaged with my grandkids. Kids kind of drive us to hid from their constant business..... I think!
I will tell you that my quilting friends are the best. I am in a big guild, over 225 members, over 100 attend the monthly meeting. We have small subgroups who do charity sewing, classes, bees. Tonight I was looking around and saw their dear faces. I think about the possibility of leaving the island, and hate that.
I know there will be a guild where I move. But I am not sure I will fit in there the way I fit in here. I had to speak several times tonight. Microphones don't bother me, and I love getting a laugh!
If you used to sew you might look for a local quilt guild. I have discovered it isn't about making quilts. It is about spending time with other women, who are talking and sharing and connecting. Those things we need the most and get the least.
The more time I spend doing these group activities the better I feel. Although sometime I race away, because I am not used to the intensity of the connection.
A local quilt quild might have a group making charity quilts. They often let new people help. It is a great way to learn. And hang out with older nice women who have most likely had their fair share of life experiences.
Thanks for the praise. My quilting friends think it is funny how I love to try new things. Heck, life is short, why not have fun!?!
And yes, depression is a deep well. Glad you are climbing out! I'm right behind you!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I just had to post something on my mind since yesterday.
Do any of us give ourselves credit for the work we've done on ourselves?
I know I don't, but Im making myself do that everytime I start in with my self esteem going down hill.
If we can stand back and look at what we've endured, what we've learned, and how we would never act towards another as we've been treated, do we realize what an awesome partner we'd be for someone else?
There are other people out there that would feel like they've been given the greatest gift in the world to meet people like us, who have travled where we've been and have learned from it all. People that would appreciate us for WHO WE ARE and what we have to offer them as friends, companions, and lovers.
I know for me, I've gotten way too stuck within the "rejection" of it all. Damn rejection is a hard pill to swallow.
After getting to know everyone's sitch here and getting to know some of you a little better personally, I feel Im in the company of some really wonderful people. Some people I would feel very priveledged to have as friends in my life and see that any person that would choose you as a mate would be smart and have a very wonderful gift.
So everyone, go and toot your own horns! We deserve it!
You have to give yourself credit for the work you have done on yourself. Look none of us know what the future holds and all any of us can do is work to become the best person possible. Time is an important piece of this puzzle. The more time that passes, the more you learn about yourself and what’s important. I am not saying that you are stuck, I am saying that time heals and helps us find the path we wish to follow. If you would have asked me last year at this time what I wanted, I would have said my wife back. Time has helped me grow and become a better father a better friend and an all around better person. You know who I thank for allowing this to happen? My ex wife. If none of this would have happened, would I have got off my butt and actually did the work to become the person I am today? Nope. So I do see the benefits that come from going through all the bad stuff.
Part of this process is learning to pick yourself back up when you get knocked down. Just when you think you can’t get kicked to the ground it’s going to happen. I learned early on that no matter how good things are looking in your sitch you better expect the worst. It’s coming trust me on that. I see progress in most of the stories I read on this board. I don’t post many things because to be honest I didn’t listen to the wonderful advice I was given here. I stayed stuck for several months thinking we would reconcile any day. I had a hard time letting my ex go because I thought we had the perfect marriage. When I finally figured out the only person we can fix is ourselves. That’s when my puzzle started coming together. I hope that all of us going through this see the light at the end of the tunnel and if any of us put our marriages together that is wonderful. The real task is to save ourselves and live life to its fullest.
Once you see that you have been depressed that is key to getting your life back on track. Why should you let someone else’s actions control your emotions? You are in control of your life so put people in your life that bring you happiness not frustration. When you remove yourself emotionally from the people that hurt you most in life the real healing begins. I will say that I know we all make mistakes but when you truly detach from the drama you will feel so much better about life. I was pulled back in by my MLC’er so many times it wasn’t funny and now I just refuse to let that happen. Don’t allow someone to play with your heart strings. It’s not fair to you or your kids.
Keep reading and posting it really is good to learn from others.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Kimmerz, What an excellent posting! We all should carve out a little bit of time for ourselves because we deserve it. We all have grown by leaps and bounds and walked through hell to get to the other side. We have learned quite a bit about the world and let's not forget....ourselves!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know I've been so stumped as to what I really need to do to really work on myself through all of this. What's so interesting is that as time goes by and as my perspective gets a little different, the work I really need to do isn't what I was thinking it would have to be.
See Im very black and white about certain things. I honestly thought that because of this Vortex of MLC hell my stbx husband is going through, that I caused it somehow. Or that I was really a horrible wife and I had to learn what I did wrong so as to never do it again. But see I don't see it that way now.
What I need to work on in regards to myself is being a better person to myself and take better care of myself. RELATIONSHIP OR NO RELATIONSHIP. RECONCILLIATION OR NO RECONCILLIATION. I feel my work I need to do is to learn to be true to MYSELF. I lost my identity in my marriage and the drama of my life the past 7 years. I've done for everyone else but myself. Quite frankly after all that's happened it was bound for me to lose myself. If my Husband were still here, and his behavior essentially the same, I feel I'd still be enduring it all, trying to fix us or essentially fix him by being someone I truly am not.
Pieces are coming together now. I have absolutely no regrets in marrying my husband. As I look back on things, I really look at our marriage as something good. Maybe Im re writing history, or slapping my rose colored glasses back on, but right now I choose to think of the good things that were so great that really did bond us together. When I think of the bad things and the marriage starting to fall apart, I see that it all had to do with our individual perspectives. I choose to see the beauty in all things. I choose to attempt to rebuild and restore what is broken or wearing out. Where as my Husband was in such a dark place all he could see was the bad things, and just throwing it away and walking away would be the easiest thing to do. Maybe for some people that are very talented at putting their heads in the sand and projecting everything can get away with this and feel what they did was the best thing. I know he felt I was responsible for all his misery, but I now know I was not. I still feel bad that he thought this, and that his perspetive is/was so twisted.
You know I guess the only thing I really, really want out of this is for my husband to really understand that I did ( well and do, but it's kinda different now) love him so much. At times I think he would start to get that message but would fight it even harder because if he gave in it would mean he was trapped forever....you know that good old MLC stuff, hence the insane spewing and all.
I still miss who I remember as my friend...it's so horrible. Can you believe I've known this man since I was 13 years old? I can still see him there in front of me as a 15 year old guy eating french fries. I still won't ever forget how I was stuck like lightening when I knew I would marry him when I saw him again at 18 years old.
So who knows? Maybe right now we have to go on our own journeys and learn in our own ways that gives us the best lesson for us as individuals and how we learn best. Maybe we'lll come back together some day and be able to share about our roads traveled and bond again. I would dearly love that. But for now, I just give it all to God. He's in charge, and he's working on the both of us. Or maybe he's working on other people to cross our paths that will be our next companions in our new lives. Who knows!
I relate so much to what you have just written, and expressed so well.
Like you I have not regrets in marrying my xh. I might have done things a little differently, but hindsight, as we all know, is a great thing!
I have been able to do all sorts of things in the years I have had on my own, and while I used to resent slightly the burden of single parenting, now they are older i also get all the fun. Sad to say I am the one my children chose to have their fun times with - Christmas, their birthdays, my birthday and so on.
My xh has lost so much. His choices, but nevertheless hard when they come home. Karma, yes, but honestly who really wants to see it in someone you love? That is the triumph, to love with total detachment. I have no expectation that my xh will ever come out of MLC - still firmly in after 7 tempestuous years!!, but it is well with my soul.
I would like him to work through it for his sake, but can also see that it would be so very hard. He was such a fine man, and a great husband and father. Imagine waking up and having to see what you were and what you have become, and who you have been on the journey with.
I can understand why so many of the 'hard cases' do not ever come through to the other side.
I wish there was more understanding and more help for MLC. During the past seven years I have had periods of severe doubt about whether it is 'real' or not, but have come firmly to the view that it is. The legal system of divorce does not take MLC into account at all, and treats it as marriage failure. Whatever it is, that is not what is going on here at all.
It really is sad isn't it? I too am feeling the crunch and periods of resentment having to do the single mom role too. The girls see their Dad consistently every week, but Im still doing it all as far as the parenting role is.
I got the 5 Love Languages for Teenagers a few weeks ago. There was a part in the book that describes how parenting is different for the full timme custodial parent, or basically the parent that has them the majority of the time, or maybe the one that didn't leave. Our roles are so much different and difficult, because our children feel SAFE with us. They know we all always be here. So they feel more comfortable to express themselves, especailly anger and frustration.
I've noticed my girls really put on a different persona with their Dad, they even did when he was still at home. The meaning behind this is that the children don't want to rock the boat with the WAS because they fear it will push them away further since they left in the first place. At first I had a hard time understanding why the girls were do different with me vs him, but now I understand. He always has been an absentee parent to a degree given his job.
I see MLC is real. I feel that way because I know that Im going through a life transition myself, but not crisis. The feelings I've had during this time are very much the same that an MLCer would have, except I stop at REALITY and know running wouldn't solve anything and make my life so much worse. I have a friend at work that's having some issues with her spouse and it looks like it's got MLC written all over it too.
Something interesting happened yesterday. Stbx dropped the girls off from their overnighter. He turned his truck off, walked them to the door, hugged them and left. He didn't look at me or say anything at all. I've sensed his mood shifted over a week or so ago, and he complained of having a migraine to me 2 days ago as well.
Past experience reminds me that migraines and mood swings with him equate to going in the rabbit hole for another 2-3 months. Then after than he'll come out and join life again. Whatever....... thank God for detatchment!
) How about veggie gardening? Saves $$$ too... What hobbies did you used to have as a kid or later, that have been put by the wayside raising a family? Reading? Heck, thrift stores can keep you in books for pennies...and so much to learn that escapes our everyday needs perceptions.