Ok Guys, Finally back home.Wow that was a long trip! Glad to report my little girl is now off crutches and wheelchair restriction and can start walking on her own two feet again! She is so happy, and is doing well. Still a little odd given she's been getting around a certain way for a month but she's doing well.
I appreciate everyone's point of view on this situation. I've just spent hours driving, which is the best time to think things over. I think I have a different outlook on what's going on in regards to stbx.
For starters I hadn't been on the freeway 10 minutes this morning before my girls and myself get texts from him. He's checking in of course, but only checks in with the girls, and then texts me about Easter again. Now as of yesterday it was my impression that he offered to take our oldest daughter to the hunt if SHE WANTED. Daughter told him she needed to check in with me first before any solid decision was made and it was left at that.
WEll this morning he texts me and says: "guess I got the Easter egg hunt wrong paper says 1 pm I will be at work"
Then he sends me a picture of article in the paper!
Followed by:"Looks like it goes up to age 12 so this would be her last year to go trying to figure out how to get her there."
So this appears to me that somewhere, somehow he got the idea D12 was just dying to go to this event and that he promised her he would take her. Yet Im led to believe this is a tenative date. So I asked D 12 what was going on over this. She informs me that he said " Are you going to the Egg hunt this year? Do you want to go this year? If you want to go I'll be happy to take you, just let me know! I have no problem taking you!" Once again D12 told him she needed to discuss it with me first before it was decided for sure.
Sooooo basically, I feel he's the one that's dying to do this and has done all he can do but come right out and say " I want to take the girls to this. Will it conflict with any plans you have?", in the round about way that T^2 said he might do if in that sitch.
I see this two different ways. He really does want to be involved but for some crazy reason he just can't come out and ask. T^2, you said guys hate to ask. Why is this? Enlighten me please! For this is a place he and I have never stopped butting heads. He never can come right out and ask for something that means alot to him, it has to be "worked up" into something he wants it to be, or if he manipulates ( good or bad) the situation enough he then gets what he wants. Now something as simple and sweet as wanting to be with his kids on Easter, why one EARTH DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE THIS A 3 RING CIRCUS??? I don't undersand this. This frustrates me and then if I don't watch it I start getting pissy. Even though this is something innocent as time with his kids, I know him well enough. This can quickly go from innocent intentions to " why didn't you read my mind" game some where down the road and a good excuse to spew over something. I can not tell you how many times over the years has he acted like this. He wants something, but won't ask for it, so he orchestrates.
Or my other take is, he just wants to butt in and have as much control as he can because he's finally started to take note his kids are growing up! He missed out on alot with the girls the last 2 years all due to his MLC. D12 is a beautiful young woman and to him he's doing what he can to hold on just a little longer before his girl is totally gone.
At any rate I finally responded back to him. I thanked him (as snodderly suggested) but that I could take the girls to the Easter Egg hunt and that he doesn't have to keep twisting himself like a pretzel over this. I told him our plans for egg hunt at home and why, of course that will change now that D9 has her walking papers now.
His response: " Ok Cool, let me know what the dr says when you get time please".
I also think that perhaps Im reaping what Ive sown and quite frankly I can't handle what I've wanted all along. See all i wanted was to get along. I wanted my co parent back at lease. At first I would've given anything for our marriage and love to be reconcilled and rekindled. But as time marched on this past year, I realized I not only have been parenting these kids mostly alone married to him, I can do it all by myself not married to him. I learned that as much as I've grieved the loss of my marriage,someone that was once my truest friend, that I can and will be just fine alone! And with that I just wanted to get along with him enough just for communication once a week about schedules and that's it. I decided I don't want to be "friends".
I guess I feel stupid here. I've made a point to get along with him, well be myself with him. Which is caring, compliant, assertive, and kind. Honestly my expectations of him were ZERO. I honestly never thought he'd speak to me again and even try to parent with me again. Well now he's just all over it with the co parenting thing now, and as it turns out Im not comfortable with it.
Maybe this sounds odd, but I still need space from him. I still need time. I spent years trying to connect with him over the kids and I got nothing. Now he's here, bigger than life wanting to join in on parenting. And I guess Im being just a tad bit resentful that during our marriage he didn't give a hoot about them, or me, or us as a family. Yet our divorce will be final any day, we've been separated a year in one month, and NOW he's emotionally available for the kids, and somewhat for me as far as the kids are concerned. I havent tried to pursue any other concern with him other than the kids.
I don't want to carry on about details left and right about easter egg hunts, whether the D9 can swim after surgery or not, about how he feels they don't wash their faces enough, how he's afraid D12 was purging because she's lost weight(this is his paranoia), if the kids are bickering or not, what and when they ate last, how he comes on his breaks to pick them up for school in the morning, what his schedule is and why he requested it so it will help with MY WEEK and needs. I don't want him offering to drive D9 4.5 hours a way just so I don't have to do it cause the city traffic makes me nervous.
You know what? Maybe we've switched and Im the one with the attitude of " too little too late". I don't know, I've just got so many emotions whirling around in my head over this. Maybe it's just me fighting the fond feelings his positive behavior brings out in me. It makes me realize I still love him, and that the nice man I thought I had once upon a time still does exist.
And now that I've rambled my head off, what this really amounts to is Fear. I still love that man and I fear the pain I've experienced by having to accept he's doing good things, but still doesn't want a marriage with me. That hurts.
And off my soap box I go, to sleep in my wonderful bed that I've missed during our travels!
He really does want to be involved but for some crazy reason he just can't come out and ask. T^2, you said guys hate to ask. Why is this? Enlighten me please!
OK... Kimmerz... and any other woman reading this... this is a huge insight into a male and can really give you all a clear leverage with us... I AM breaking the code here, I hope you all know...
We men think this way because...
We pee standing up...
See, it makes perfect sense...
lol
OK, no... seriously, we want our girls to be happy. We do NOT want to do something with them if they do not want to do it. So rather than looking foolish (because we guys are LOATHE to look foolish by having to ask directions) we round about way poke and drop thoughts about some event or restaurant, waiting to hear key words like...
OMFG that would be SO cool to go there... or get that... or see them...
If we do not hear those key words, we pretty much conclude that we are barking up the wrong tree and therefore we can comfortably know that we DID NOT make a fool of ourselves...
Of course, T^2 may have a different thought on that or a different way of saying it... I'll be popping some corn and pulling up a chair to read all the opinions on this topic of, "why do men..."
On the theory of him being controlling? Yeah... I don't think, so much...
If he was trying to control... like the unable to ask directions... most men don't really have a good sense of manipulation. More often then not, we just steam roll over everything if we want to control it... In the same way that we punch our friends in the head and then go for beer with them...
I'm glad to read that your daughter is doing very well. This has to be good news for you and your daughter! Just think, she can now begin walking and doing the normal stuff in moderation until she's back on her feet 100%.
What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's called confusion because he bounces in and out of your life and appears to actually be normal at times. One thing to help you keep on track...he's not indicated in any way a desire to return home and work on the marriage...that would be a factor in keeping me focused on my present situation.
I think your h is bending over backwards to ensure that his daughters have a great time at Easter. Maybe he wants to spend time w/them and then again, maybe he wants the world to see him in a good light...we just don't know. But I do find it interesting how he continues to text about the egg hunt even after your daughter told him she would need to check w/you. It's almost like he's a kid and is pushing his sibling to get "mom" to say yes. Quite interesting.
I do hope that you and your children will enjoy the holiday. You and your family have a lot to celebrate, i.e., the surgery went well and your daughter is on her way to full recovery!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LOL....Oh Kaffe, thanks so much! That was hilarious!!
And really, I really do appreciate you breaking the code and telling me this! I honestly had NO IDEA! Thank you, Thank you!
Gosh now I feel like a burden has been lifted and I understand so much more now, but feel awful for looking at things the way I have. But I wasn't doing this to be difficult or cause trouble.
I simply did NOT KNOW.
So my stbx is still trying to please myself and the girls. It's that simple.
You know I've felt that way ever since he left. Like he was still trying to please me at times during "nice phases", or my approval meant so much to him, even though he still walked out. Where my "logic" gets my head spinning is "he left for all his wonderful reasons he feels are justifiable. Why on earth would my approval still mean something to him, especially if he's living with the OW and spewing?"
And now hindsight being 20/20, he purrs like a kitten when he gets my approval on something that he really wants approval on. And yes if he drops his little hints about something and I think it's a good idea, he loves it. Well that is when he's not been in the rabbit hole and in the land of the living. There was a time that all my attention didn't mean anything to him. He didn't want my attention. Now...almost seems like he wants it?
Gee this puts a whole new spin on things here. Maybe I ought to just chill out and go with this and see what happens. Maybe he really is trying to respect me and give me some space yet he really needs to know he's doing something right. I mean the man has obviously has not forgotten my personality and wants to help. Offering to make that trip for me was the first random act of true kindness and unselfish act he's done towards me in years. Infact I don't think he's done anything that kind since my mother died.
Kaffe...if you're willing and open, enlighten me more on these secrets about men! Just by you opening up like that I feel like a whole new woman!
K, are men really so different than women in what they want? I think not. More that they are different in how they go about getting what they want. Nature vs. Nurture so to speak.
Don't men and women both want to be accepted for who they are? To be loved for who they are? To be respected?
The difference is that men are more tactile (punch in the head and then get a beer - think about kids and how they interact). Men are more physical in their approach.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I've posted a few other insights but will try to remember and make some time to help you break the code later... lol
But yeah, we're pretty simple in our methods. And sometimes as subtle as an ox in a china store. Of course, there's some deep and complex reasoning that goes on, deep under the surface... but the beauty of it all is, that our possible responses under normal circumstances are like that FB post that talks about how dogs are...
if we can't eat it or play with it, we piss on it and walk away...
Of course, that one is safe for kids, because the first sentence would also include if we can't screw it...
The men here are all good men. What we write on these boards is the internal stuff that in the normal world, we would generally not let out... our "feminine"/Venus side, if you will... we are more in touch with it and willing to share it to this anonymous group...
Yes, there are variations and some of us can actually be vulnerable enough to speak our mind and this side of us, in public...
sometimes...
Just remember, your H is messed up in the head...
If I knew him personally, I'd punch him in the head and then take him for a beer...
It does sound like he is trying to reach out and connect and in his MLC/WAS mind frame, when it doesn't get a positive response, he lashes out...
and imagine this from his MLC mind... sometimes, if he DOES get a positive response, he'll lash out... because you are pursuing him, because he wanted to reach out to you...
And his male brain doesn't necessarily treat you or the kids any different than he would treat anyone. It's when his confused brain gets in the way, and he doesn't see the positive response, he goes into "war" mode...
Glad the trip went well, and your feelings of resentment are normal...lol...I have had thoughts of resentment lately now that I seem to be slowly getting to where I wanted to be...for me it is the "after the horrible things you said about/to me..." and "you know this situation has affected my job, my health, the kids..." "you broke my heart, and cheated on me"...etc etc.
Let the resentment go...for your sake, you're better and stronger than that (I remind myself of this whenever those resentful feelings surface...).
Some thoughts:
Quote:
Then he sends me a picture of article in the paper!
He is providing proof...he recognizes he has made excuses/played games in the past...he is really looking at you and your perception of him...he wants to fix that. Why? Only he knows atm.
Quote:
For this is a place he and I have never stopped butting heads. He never can come right out and ask for something that means alot to him, it has to be "worked up" into something he wants it to be, or if he manipulates ( good or bad) the situation enough he then gets what he wants.
KD and AJ were right on and very perceptive, and will be banished from the manly kingdom for revealing secrets (if we ever trace their true identities...)
I would like to add that the is also a FEAR of REJECTION that swims large from childhood...and...the strongest lesson is SEX, and how to get it...bear with me here...
What many of us men learn is that in order to get what we REALLY want (sex), we cannot be direct about it, as women tend to need an indirect approach. I don't know about any other men, but me being direct and saying, "Honey, I am horny, I want sex. Let's go do it now, please" has never worked...so I don't use the direct approach...doesn't work usually, so therefore a higher risk of rejection.
What HAS worked, is some sweet talking, a touch or two, maybe fixing that dripping faucet finally, taking out the garbage, some innuendos circling around what I REALLY want, etc...lower risk of rejection, since it has worked in the past, and IF rejected, well we don't have to let on that we really wanted sex that much, or whatever.
So, since guys like to generalize skills across situations, I mean, its bred into us, if the tactics to hunt deer successfully work, we bet they can be applied to hunting elk as well...or rabbits...if they don't work for rabbits, we make note and group rabbits and rabbit-like creatures into "Tactics Group "B""...you see?
So things we REALLY want, get the same Tactic Grouping as sex. Ask yourself K, if H had (after the honeymoon phase) directly asked for sex, what would your response have most likely been a lot of the time? And that response is fine, we know it takes a bit more to get our wives "going"...but see how the indirect approach to things we REALLY want is/can be in the top tray of our toolbox? It all starts with asking a girl to dance, or hold hands, or kiss...
I guess I am out of the club now too...
Quote:
Maybe he really is trying to respect me and give me some space yet he really needs to know he's doing something right.
YES. Make of what you will, considering mlc clarity comes and goes. BUT, he is caring about you and what you think, and for now, the self-absorption has receded. If my readings here and elsewhere are correct, then this could be a sign of beginning to leave the tunnel...my W is doing the same thing, btw. She asked be about my day for the first time in a year now...and yes, I am a bit nervous that my hopes will be dashed by another dive back in to the tunnel...but it IS nice to see her again...
Enjoy it as it is, what it is, no expectations... (I am so tired of saying that to myself...lol)
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'll be popping some corn and pulling up a chair to read all the opinions on this topic of, "why do men..." 
