Kimmerz, If you feel comfortable enough to have your h around on Easter to watch the childern's egg hunt, then by all means invite him. He may attend, but don't be too disappointed if he says he has other plans...leave the invitation as an open one for him.
Please keep in mind that you may never get the answers to all of your questions because he doesn't have the answers either and he's still on a mission to find them. In some instances, the mlcer will not share everything w/us because they don't want us to know, i.e., they think we'll use what we learn against them or they will appear "weak" to us.
Now about the PA behavior...mlcers that are PA tend to behave this way throughout life, but once mlc hits, the PA behavior is far stronger than it was pre-mlc. This stronger tendancy occurs w/all of the behavior traits in all of the mlcers. My take is that while they are fairly normal pre-mlc, they are able to control it a bit better, therefore it is more subtle. However, while in mlc, the emotional state is out of control, therefore the behavior traits are set free and more evident.
It's okay to do a temperature check, but keep your expectations at zero at all times. I do hope that if he comes, he will behave himself and not exhibit the anger towards you so that you and your family can enjoy the day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly! You're insights and inputs are so valuable and right on.
Im still thinking about inviting him, and will make my decicion in a few days. Im not sure if Im ready for it the more I think about it. After really starting to understand MLC better and what they're going through, part of me wants to be his friend. But then again the personal hell I've been put through due to the MLC makes me just want to stand back where it's safe too.
I appreciate your take on the behaviors and how they can get worse during MLC. See the PA behavior did grow by leaps and bounds when he started feeling ignored and unimportant 6 years ago. Then that just snow balled into about a dozen other things. I've been able to look back at things differently lately and now see how things changed but mainly how he changed. Boy that PA behavior stands no chance of penetrating when they're mad! I was expected to read his mind, do all the emotional work for the both of us, and keep him happy without him even throwing me a bone for heaven's sake! I got nothing but ridiculed and scorned when I didn't do that and was told " Look Im not that hard to figure out. Couldn't you tell the way I was acting was just a cry for help?" Uh....actually no I couldn't! How on earth do you help a person that acts like an 8 year old child throwing a tantrum? LEAVE THEM ALONE. That's what I did because that's how he acted all the time. Yet that was taken as me abandoning him by not giving in to his moods. Even when I did give in and try to conncet with him that still wasn't good enough.
Land sakes alive....Yes all the negative traits come out 10 fold during MLC. His Pa behavior, temper, depressive side, and inmature side when completely ballistic!
Hi Guys, Thanks so much Snodderly and Warrior for getting me back on track.
Im starting to really understand that now, that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent this from happening.
I think what hits all us LBS so strongly is that the MLCer/WAS tells us that WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR UNHAPPINES AND REASON FOR LEAVING. If we had done a,b,c, etc. then they would be happy and not want to leave. But too late now, even if you start doing a,b,c, etc, too little too late, no use, no interest in mending the marriage. Sorry it's all your fault!
We take the scorn, criticism, accusations, and blame. Do that to a fixer type personality with a few co dependent issues, and Wow...here we taking complete blame for our marriages falling apart and feeling huge guilt.
I've decided NOT to invited stbx over to easter. He's starting in with an irritable mood swing and is acting like he's frustrated with me. I have no idea why he's acting this way...and for the first time in over a year, I DON'T CARE. He's due for a mood swing anyway. It seemed he'd be doing great for 3 months and be present in or lives, and then after 2 or 3 months down the rabbit hole again. Irritable, distant, and complaining of aches and pains. Found out last week from stbx he was having a migraine. Migraine's always seem to go hand in hand with his mood swings, especially after his head injury.
I think what hits all us LBS so strongly is that the MLCer/WAS tells us that WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR UNHAPPINES AND REASON FOR LEAVING. If we had done a,b,c, etc. then they would be happy and not want to leave. But too late now, even if you start doing a,b,c, etc, too little too late, no use, no interest in mending the marriage. Sorry it's all your fault!
We take the scorn, criticism, accusations, and blame. Do that to a fixer type personality with a few co dependent issues, and Wow...here we taking complete blame for our marriages falling apart and feeling huge guilt.
I could NOT have said it better Kimmerz...so don't you think its time us fixers with some co-dependancy issues get off the train? Accept only what blame is truly yours, I say to myself.
There is a new day rising...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Kimmerz, His mood swing could very well be the holiday coming up...after all, it is a family holiday. Think back to the other holidays and try to remember if he had mood swings prior to them as well. Many of them will get this way before a holiday, event or anniversary of something special.
There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. No matter what you do while he is in crisis, he will not be happy. Devote your time and energy to your children and on yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well ok, I guess IMO anniversary's, and birthdays and holidays wouldn't spark anything with him. He never had any mood swings during the Holidays, he always was indifferent.
However since he seems hyper aware...perhaps you're on to something Snodderly. We have A LOT going on.
January 11th was my birthday. January 12th was our anniversary of our first date and us being together as a couple...it would've been 22 years.
February 14th 22 years ago was the day he stole my heart with a dozen roses, balloons and a huge stuffed animal. I know he never forgot it and neither did I. February 24th was the day we took our daughter in for surgery...really emotional. February 29th we went to court, but came to a settlement on February 28th.
March 5 was would've been my mom's 70 birthday. He liked my mom alot. March 13 would've been our 19th wedding anniversary. We're still legally married, so I guess it was our anniversary. My mom passed away April 18th and then there's Easter.
I got a long text today from him in regards to Easter Sunday. This is what it said :
"Not sure what plans you have for Easter I am sure I will be working the PM shift I asked the girls if they were going to do the hunt at the park D9 said she doesn't want to, I told her if she needed to talk to you first just let me know if you need help transporting them that day"
I think this is his attempt to try and get involved with us during Easter but he doesn't know how to ask. My aunt thinks he's trying to control the situation.
At any rate guys whatever your insights are I'd love to hear them. Im off to take my baby to the doctor!
Thank him for the kind offer and then I would advise him that you are planning to have an egg hunt at home because your child is still recovering. If you are absolutely sure that you do not want him there, then leave the conversation very short and not mention to him about coming over. If he truly wants to be a part of your children's lives, he will ask if he can come over...that's when I would say okay...but only if he asks.
Your aunt may be on to something...control. I hope your d's doctor's visit went okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know if I see from the text any conscious controlling attempt, from my "guys point of view", if I sent that text it would be me trying to be involved, and letting you know (without having to "say" it), but being non-pushy, respecting space, etc...but you know H better than I do...I would go with snodderly's advice...make him ask...it's tough for us guys to ask...
Man, you DO have a lot going on...! I would think that all these things added to the underlying stress/guilt/whatever of the R situation may be affecting him, it has to grind on him...I know it does my W.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
