how he's afraid D12 was purging because she's lost weight(this is his paranoia),
Just a word of caution - are you SURE he's just paranoid?
When my beautiful daughter was twelve, she started to lose a little weight. I thought she was just at that stage where girls start to lose their "baby fat". After all, I had been 5'6" 120 lbs in high school, so when she went from 5'4" 135 to 120, didn't think anything about it. After all, she was in junior lifeguards running around, and she was eating perfectly normally.
What we didn't find out until a few months later- until her classmates, god bless them, ratted her out to the school nurse - was that she was bulimic. She'd hidden her shrinking frame under winter sweats - by that time she was down to 100 lbs, and she got down to 89 skeletal pounds at her worst. She'd eat a perfectly normal dinner with us, wait an hour, then take her shower (she claimed it was easier to shower at night since she shared the bathroom with her two brothers) - and vomit in the shower.
Don't underestimate the ability of eating disordered kids to hide it. And don't assume that just because your daughter has always had a nice normal body image and attitude towards weight and appearance (like mine did!) that they can't fall prey to that insidious disease.
My daughter is well today, but only after intensive therapy and the sheer good luck of finding it out relatively early. Please don't dismiss his concerns too quickly. It is a deadly disease.
I appreciate this so much! You have no idea how much easier it is to understand and fully grasp hearing it from you two personally! Especially in regards to sex!
T^2...that is so encouraging that your wife is showing signs of peeking out of the tunnel. It sounds as if she is doing that to me as well. From what Ive read she's showing positive acts of kindness towards you. Im amazed at your patience and how you've managed to keep it together during this time, and in the same house.
Thanks for validating my feelings of resentment. All I know is to let those feelings surface, and vent about them. AFter I vent, those feelings at the time are let go. Each time something happens to trigger those feelings, it's less and less. That encourages me that Im working towards where I want to be.
I really had no idea about how the negative reactions seen in men have so much to do when there's not a positive response from us. I apologize !
I would just like to share that if we don't give you the positive response that you'd really like to have, that it's not a personal rejection of you or purposely towards you. Especially if we're busy women, and juggling many things. WE don't intentionally ignore you or put you on the back burner to make you feel neglected or abandoned. Women are master multi taskers and we can end up getting so much going on, that we may not pick up on those things.
I know for me, little things like taking the garbage out, doing the dishes, entertaining the kids, and some talking about the other's days made a huge difference in my interest in sex. Why so? Mental itimacy. For women if you turn our minds on, then our bodies are soon to follow.
Sex became a serious issue between us over the last few years, which was very disappointing for the both of us. We always had a very good sex life. However where things went awry was how he started to feel very rejected by me, when I NEVER was rejecting him or the act of sex. It was timing and well "priming" I guess you could say.
Believe it or not I used to be the type that could be spontaneous and drop it all for a great time with my husband. He was SPOILED that way. Then as life started to become real, it got much harder for me to be in the mood spontaneously. Our schedules were going two different directions, we had the girls, and when there was finally a chance to get time, I was tired and drained,and so was he! Where things started going haywire, is that in order to have any time together, the spontanaity started to go, and more careful together planning was needed. With two jobs going in two different directions, kids pounding on the doors, and such a busy life, well that's the only way I could figure we could have some time alone, was to plan it. Have a date night. Carve out time just the two of us. When I started suggesting that, he wasn't happy and it was a total turn off for him I guess. I would try to initiate it, and he'd reject me.
It's not that I didn't want to be sponaneous, it just literally was pretty darn difficult to be that way. He felt VERY rejected over this and it killed him. I told him that it never was him, or the act of sex, it was just timing and that I missed our sex life very much too, and could we PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. His response was " well if I don't get it, then I don't want it at all". T
Enter MLC rationale and his main reason for leaving me was no sex, yet he had no problem striking up a sex life the week before he left and a few weeks after he left. His excuse: "Im just trying to find any spark, any connection, anything to try and see if there's anything left. There's not, it's just sex". Talk about a broken heart. Gee nothing like being used by your own husband.....lOL.
I can not thank you enough for breaking the code gentlemen! I promise not to tell. You've done a very good thing. You've helped me find clarity where I just couldn't quite see through the fog no matter how hard I tried. It really helps to hear it from the source!
I want to believe that the self absorption has receded for now and that Im seeing the old, wonderful him again. I want to believe that what I do think of him is important to him, but I am curious as to why. I can now look back over the last 2 -3 weeks. Based on his responses/no responses, I don't think I've exactly given him the positive reactions he possibly wanted from me. Honestly I think he really wanted to know he was wanted by me and the kids to accompany us to the out of town MD appointment. When I let him know I made my own plans, he seemed to back off quite a bit. No more talking to me at the door when dropping kids off, and texting quite short, to the point, almost irritable, up until the last few days.
Hmmmm. You've given me much to think about Jedi Masters!
Just another thought! When H always was needed a little more attention, he would start to complain of not feeling well, or some ailment.
Last week I about fainted when he told me he had slept in with a migraine that morning. He hasn't offered any of that personal information for a very long time.
Past experience: migraines are the result of his head injury...the one he got from OW ex husband. He's living with OW. How ironic is that?
What you have been enlightened to, is the CORE of how a man operates...
And if you want to know rejection, just watch us when we can't get a frickin' tent put together in the woods... it can get pretty ugly when the tent rejects us...
But as one starts to add on the layers and intricacies of life... yes, it seems like it's all so complicated...
And that's hopefully some of the stuff we learn through this DB process...
We might KNOW to make time for the other spouse... but we THINK that it's OK, this time, to just keep going with our lives...
We might KNOW to engage our spouse in conversations, or offer little perks, no and then... take out the garbage without being asked... thank the spouse for taking the garbage out, whether they were asked or not... spend time in bed together, even if it's not about sex and even if it's not normal for both parties to go to sleep at the same time... listen and validate the other... empathize with each other...
Now, we actually understand the consequences...
But life gets busy... and sometimes we forget... or sometimes we don't have the energy... and look what happens...
When life gets in the way... what are we going to do differently, now...?
I want to believe that what I do think of him is important to him, but I am curious as to why.
I don't know for sure, but I have been ruminating on your sitch's latest, and from what I remember of divorcing with my 1st...I was done, and did not care, AT ALL, what she thought of me...though we were friends for a while after the D (no kids), I just went on with growing into a different me with a different love...so, not saying this is H, but, I have read where once the D is in process or done, some pressure or something is taken away and they can see more clearly...
What I can say is, if H were me, it could mean that he ain't sure he's done yet...but H is not me, so, grains (handfuls) of salt and all that...
Kaffe...
Quote:
Now, we actually understand the consequences...
But life gets busy... and sometimes we forget... or sometimes we don't have the energy... and look what happens...
When life gets in the way... what are we going to do differently, now...?
Since this is the second time into her tunnel for me, I DO PRAY that I have learned to NOT let my changes slide anymore...and to notice all, watch all, and never stop being aware...there is a new priority system (SOP -Revised- OpSit Priority AZ/J - code Feral Cat). While continuously growing and being a better T^2 for me, and everyone else.
oh, btw, as a backpacker, who has set up many tents in the dark and rain...yes, the tents DO REJECT me if the situation is less than optimal...there must be tent parts strewn across half the Rockies and BC that used to belong to me...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well now I had no problem setting up my tent last summer!
You know there are now huge family tents made now that are just pure pop up tents....No rejection involved! Lol.. just kidding!
T^2..In regards to the clarity after divorce is getting close to done...what kind of clarity do you think a person has? I am having clarity too, but my clarity does not give me the desire to connect with him. It just makes me want to walk on and start living my life the way I always wanted to.
The legal assistant at my attorneys office said the same thing to me a couple of months ago. She said that once things start to get to the end stage of the game, the other tends to see things differently. A mutual friend who's been divorced said once the divorce is over things get better and you can work on being friends.
I guess Im just too black and white. Divorce means DONE to me, not my next chance to rekindle a friendship he threw away in the first place. Done means you have your life, I have mine, and we only communicate in regards to exchange of kids, and any issues they may have. PERIOD. I've worked very hard to change my mentality to "that was then, this is now". And the last thing I expected him to do was come soaring in like Captain America to save the day, when he was just acting like Incredible Hulk to tear me down.
I know him as two different people, so I guess that's why I get confused and wrapped up in things that I no longer need to bother myself with. He does wear his heart on his sleeve, so actions always speak louder than words, especially for him. I've found him to be more of an extra sensitive type of man, that finds ultimate rejection in things I couldn't dream of if I wanted to. He's ashamed of that, so he hides it and tells himself to get over it and grow up. He told me he does this. But stuffing and avoiding conflict all his life has led to him turning into Incredible Hulk. When the surge of anger is over...he's about as sweet, tender and loving as a puppy...towards everyone.
Then I know him to be this completely self absorbed teenager that only has his best interests at heart, even before MLC started. And I guess that's where I've become so disappointed. I just wanted so much the good in him to stay, for it was that good I fell in love with over and over so many times.
His ever changing personalities has worn me thin, yet his behavior seems so interesting to me I can't help but wonder what the heck is going on with him. But I also know it's time for me to just do that last bit of detatchment and get to the point I don't care why he does what he does or says anymore.
The thought of a new relationship with someone that's stable in the moods and personalities sounds like a vacation on a tropical island to me. I think I might be approaching almost "ready" to going on a date. But at the same time Im ok being single too.
KML.... thank you so much for sharing in regards to what happened to your daughter. Im sorry I didn't reply to this earlier, I just found your post. I appreciate you telling me details in how your daughter was hiding it. As of what I can tell, right now she's on the straight and narrow, healhty way of losing weight. She's cut out alot of junk food, and has worked on portion control. She's joined track and is excercising.
What does concern me...she is a big girl and it's now starting to become inconvienent to her. She compares herself to others, and talks alot about how she doesn't like certain parts of her body. I've talked with her about eating disorders. Right now Im concerned that she's walking the fine line of either working on weight loss and eating healhty for the right reasons, or getting obsessed and going down the bad path of eating disorders. Right now she appears on the right path...and all I can do is encourage, praise, encourage, and be vigilant in watching for signs of eating disorders.
Kaffe...yes life gets in the way. How it's handled is the basis of a make or break relationship. If you realize it's happening, do something about it. If your partner won't connect over it due to punishing you, their loss. I think it all comes down to it taking two to make it work, and if the other won't at least try to be on the same page, well it's a lost cause!
Happy Easter Everyone! Im going to die eggs and have a good time this weekend. Is Anyone planning on an Easter Feast? The girls love ham...perhaps I should cook one for tomorrow. Yes Ham and scalloped potatoes sounds so good.
Hope everyone is well... I've grown to love you all!
[/quote]But I do find it interesting how he continues to text about the egg hunt even after your daughter told him she would need to check w/you. It's almost like he's a kid and is pushing his sibling to get "mom" to say yes. Quite interesting. [quote]
Snodderly, I apologize for not responding to this sooner. I really appreciate that you can see this. I thought I was nutts for years! This is something he's done through out marriage and ALOT during separation.
All I can say is it's like he gets the idea HE wants to do something, so instead of just asking, he has to get the kids on his side or get them pumped up about something, then drop it on me, so I will feel guilty if I don't say Yes.
This is where I feel he's controlling. Make it look like it's all in innocence, but the way he goes about it seems like so much trouble.
This is why I feel he manipulates and/or orchestrates certain scenarios, whether it be in a negative way or positive.
There have been hundreds of sitches where he's done this type of thing before, just between he and myself. Last Summer he did the same thing in regards to D12 seein the last Harry Potter movie on opening night. Lol...now I remember there was spew in involved in that one too! He was upset that I had forgotten he and D12 had talked about seeing the movie opening night 3 months prior, and made plans with D12 to go together. D12 said " I don't see what the big deal is with Dad and me having to see it opening night".
I truly am approaching exhaustion with this....and this is so good because dropping that rope, detatching, and moving on is SO MUCH EASIER when you get to this point.
Kimmerz, Please try to remember that mlc is about emotions/feelings and when they are in crisis, their personalities can change on a dime and give you nine cents change. Sometimes, the spew is not actually about you or something you have done, but another outside source could have rocked his world and you happen to be the first one in his line of vision...thus the spew.
Mlcers like to use children as go betweens w/the lbs. You know the drill w/your children, i.e., one will put the other one up to go as mommy if so and so can do this or we can go there. This could very well be what you are dealing w/your man/child.
As for divorce and the dust settling...it does happen and people can put aside the arguments about finances and the what nots or how comes that require a divorce and get on w/life. I noticed that once my divorce took place, things actually settled down w/my xh once he received his settlement from the home and went on his merry way. I didn't hear from him again for about 3 1/2 years and he actually acted like a civilized human being. As for the lbs, a huge weight is lifted once a divorce takes place because you then know that he/she can't manipulate and/or control you any longer. You come to realize that all of the sparring over finances, property, assets, etc. should be over and done with and the dust settles and you can then focus on you, your family and your future.
Some people actually do become friends w/their ex-spouses. I remain civil w/mine, but I'm not jumping through hoops to be his friend because the term "friend" still doesn't mean to him what the description of friends is. In time, you will need to make the decision as to whether you actually want to be friends w/your h, if your should divorce, or just civil because of the girls. Right now, that decision doesn't need to be set in concrete. Just focus on the here and now.
Happy Easter and I do hope the eggs turn out beautiful and the girls have a great day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have struggled with body image for years. I was a thin, fine-boned child. When I grew into a woman I was still tiny, but felt fat. Did get fat as an adult. Never felt different. Always felt fat. As I lost my 77 pounds over the past couple years I still feel fat!
I see photos of me in groups, I know I am down from size 20's to 10's. And have finally started to wrap my brain around my actual petite frame. My own son and sister different times have lost me in a store and not been able to find me because I look so different!
I know there is therapy for this, but don't know what it is.
Anyway, I'm glad you are part of my internet family. I love you too!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
