What about the book is a hard read for you? I know when I started reading up on co dependency it was very confusing for me.I just couldn't quite grasp exactly what it meant. This book seemed to explain it a little better for me.
You know I was just posting how much I liked this book and then went and read a few more chapters. I think Im at chapter 7. At any rate I started to realize this book isn't exactly what I was hoping it was.
Guess I thought it would be a step by step program on how to not to be co depdendent. What I did like is it explained co dependency in a way I can understand it. However all the issues it lists in co dependent people makes it sound like anyone that breathes and is human is co dependent.
However all the issues it lists in co dependent people makes it sound like anyone that breathes and is human is co dependent.
I found that as well...to me it seems that the CD "movement" is kind of like the addiction movement...people try to fit everything/every behavior/etc into that one do-all, be-all box...
I don't like boxes. I just think we humans are so much more complex and variable for them to be of much long term use...
I agree with the folks over at "M"-builders" on the co-dependency over-focus/over-reach...nice article on "how the co-depenancy movement is ruining marriages" I think it fits with the DB/DR philosophy...google it...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi there TSquared2 and WenikiTiki. I've just started reading Codependent No More as homework from a therapist.
I started counselling with my ?soon-to-be-walk-away-wife? I found some of the advice a bit harsh, too, but in the main the idea of "lovingly detaching" and GAL are there, similar to Divorce Busting.
My first therapy session with my wife was awful: felt like I was being ganged up on; my wife dominated the conversation and made sure certain things didn't get revealed in the alloted time. Therapist seemed rather dismissive of my feelings (as having 'typical' response to being cheated on.)
But then I went to see the counsellor on my own, filled in the information that didn't get covered in the couples session and what she said was eye-opening: my wife has an 'Love and Approval' addiction... hungers for outside validation. This has manifested recently in serial cheating (sort of), but there have always been signs (spending $ recklessly on the salon and clothes, working till all hours to please the bosses, jumping at any/every possible social invite, etc.) She assigned me Co-Dependent No More, and initially I thought it sounded like 1980s psycho-babble. BUT reading it made me realize there is an addiction and I have been enabling it: backstopping her financially, jumping in to pick up the slack where she neglected household and childcare duties in favour of social and work stuff.
I think there's value in the concept and in the book. Like I said, I do see some common themes with Divorce Busting.
Funny Kimmerz, My bookmark is at Chapter 7. I am in therapy, changing to a new one soon. Mine is deploying to Korea. I am hoping to switch to a nice woman I met thru the weight loss program, while she was doing her fellowship.
She isn't a phychiarist, but I think she is more what I need. She is more nuts and bolts. I actually call her a "MASH" psychologist. I need more immediate help. Not talking about things for 3 years while they distengrate around me.
When I first met with this lady she had me figured out in one session. Then she graduated and is getting ready to set up her own private practise. I asked her to write a book......
Now off to google co-dependency movement ruining marriages......
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I like the article because it questions the premise and applicability of CD definitions outside of a relationship with an addict, ie, maybe Interdependence is what takes place in a non-addict relationship...not Co-dependance.
Interdependence is where I see healthy relationships striving towards, and actually needing to thrive...yes, my M and I had some CD issues due to years of complete enmeshment...especially after phase 1 of W's mlc tunnel-diving and the affair that I was still trying to recover mySELF from before phase 2.
This board and the books (DR, SSM, NMMNG, etc) have helped me recover and grow to where I don't think interdependence will slide back down to co-dependance again.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I wanted to share something, it may sound trivial but Im proud of myself that I see this.
I always thank XH for whatever effort he's put in to helping with the kids. I may do it grinding my teeth but I do thank him because it's the right thing to do. A month ago he sent me pictures of the kids having a snow day. I thanked him. Then we all know about the Easter Egg hunt he was trying to bust his butt over. I thanked him. I thank him every time he pays the support. I thank him when he lets me know his schedule. I thank him alot for many other small things, it's just who I am.
I sent him Easter pictures of the kids Sunday.
He did not thank me.
Now Im not keeping score here, but it dawned on me those things used to bother me so much.He never could thank me for random acts of kindness. I never understood why and how he became so rude and inconsiderate. His expectations of me in how he wanted me to react to his random acts of kindness seem very unrealistic to me. Yet when I reciprocate the same thing he's done for me ( send pictures) he doesn't even say thank you.
Why would I want to be with a man that can't even thank someone for sending him pictures of his own children on a Holiday?
I guess where Im kinda proud of myself is where the rose colored glasses are coming off again and I can really start to see him realistically again. You know I've really had an emotional time having to cope with having him so present in our lives recently. But I think things happen for a reason. I think I needed this to come back to the reality of what really was in our relationship, and see that if we ever reconcilled, it would be nothing but more of the same.
I'll point out that it wouldn't be the same necessarily. He will never be the same although some traits might be. No telling.
What you are seeing is reality though.
My thought as I read this is that just because he doesn't do something doesn't mean you need to, nor should, change who you are. Be you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
After all that we've been through, what would a mutual and loving relationship look like to you now?
What would be a deal breaker?
If starting completely over with a new person, what would you look for in a person that would interest you enough to consider taking the relationship further?
This has been on my mind for a while. Since we're in control of ourselves and our lives, and can make it anything we want, then if we choose a new relationship, what kind do we want this time around?
These questions can only be answered by you. Everyone of us have different things that are most important to us in a relationship. To me it’s most important to get to know someone before there is any chance of a relationship. That old saying “you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover” comes to mind. The longer we work on ourselves, the more we learn about what is most important. The more time that passes, we learn what we truly want out of a relationship.
When I was younger I based my relationships on looks. That was 20+ years ago and now I see nothing but failure in that thinking. What I see on the outside is never going to be as important as what is on the inside of any person.
The only relationship advice I would ever give someone is to take plenty of time and think things through.
You seem to be in a good place. Keep doing what’s best for you and your girls, that’s what’s truly important.
Take care!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
