Agreed. Part of the fun is figuring out what you want and don't want. My thought is that if you spend too much time figuring it out ahead of time, you would miss the opportunity for something you didn't expect.
That said, there are a few things that are a deal breaker for me. Honesty and the ability to openly communicate are important to me. I have always known that. I look for that in all my relationships, not just those that have a romantic component. My thought is that I want to be with somebody I can talk to and can talk to me. I want to be able to trust them with my conversational thoughts (within reason, right?). To me it is important because it is also the foundation of trust. Similar to how I can talk to my friends and family, I should be able to do the same in any relationship. I'm an open person
But you do need to figure things out for you. You'll need to test your theories and know when to walk away.
Part of the fun of new relationships...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh. One other thing. You'll need to get it out of your mind that you picked "wrong" or that something is wrong with your "picker." You should know by now that your ex's issues had little to do with you other than proximity. Don't let your past ruin your future!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I find things interesting. Papers should be signed this week for the divorce. For all I know xh has signed them and I will get to sign them next week.
Right now Im questioning if xh positive changes were due to him waking up a bit or if it was just for some reason to make things run smoothly at the end of this.
I was reading up on Hero Spoust about Liminal depresson and awakening. I want to say from what I can see he appeared liminally depressed before and during his departure, and extremely anxious.
It doesn't really matter anymore, but after being separated for 1 year now I still find his behvior so odd. I figured I wouldn't even notice it but I do.
Journaling:
May 2011 BD. Leaves 5/5/2011. He has to find himself. Nothing gives him happiness. The only thing that made him encouraged was the idea of getting his own apt. Then asks me what I think he should do. Sobbing, profusely apologizing for failing me and the kids. He's lost without his old job. He resents his old boss for losing old place of business so he can't inherit it some day. Says he can't imagine me not being in his life because it just doesn't seem right. Promises he's not trying to run from his responsibility, he will help with bills, and help with kids, and come back to house as needed. Right now he needs his space to figure out what's wrong. Has no idea how long it will take. Upon gentle encouragment of getting counseling, defensive attitude starts in and he says NO. It would've helped 2 years ago but not now, though he doest doubt he needs psychiatric help.
May - August. The blame is now focused on me full steam ahead. it is now all my fault he was miserable and he now feels healthier and happier on his own even though the lonliness is crippling at times. Consistent contact through texts and emails, some in person. During this time spew, then nice, spew then nice. I attempt relationship talks. WE have a few but I get the typical he cares but doesn't care about me in the way a man should about his wife so there is no reason to stay. We have all nighter at his new apartment. He then says it wasn't meaningless but doesn't solve problems, and then tells me he can NEVER GO BACK to the depression or man he was before.
September - December: Found out OW started in June. Moved in around July. I get mad and hire an attorney and go for spousal support. He tells me the friendship is off. I told him months ago we never had one, we were only parents because otherwise it was too painful. No contact from Sept - December. REfuses to respond to emails about kids issues that I was very concerned with. All info in regards to kids is done through attorneys. Attempts to shove OW down girls throats....was then very abruptly woken up by D12 reaction, and then both D's refusal to spend overnighters with him because of her. Im to blame according to him. Im accused of causing him financial problems.
December: spew, then basic contact re established by him ( of course he made this clear he was re establishing contact with me as if he was doing me a favor) and we keep it about kids visits, schedules, etc.
January: keeping the communication consistent about his schedule and even friendly. Communicates more about the kids. Waves to me for the first time after picking up kids and taking them overnight. child support given upon request.
February: communication keeps up, even in friendly manner. Child support given upon my request without any argument or excuses, actually eagerly tells me when he'll have it for me. Then issue with D9 starts and she has to have surgery. XH is now the H and man I remember him to be.
March:Makes effort to keep in touch daily several times to see how D9 is. Talks to me in person instead of texting from the driveway like a month prior. Walks children inside the house and helps with bags when bringing home. Brings over wheelchair for D9 at my request. Acts guilty and actually asks me if he "gets time" with his kids on his days off as we talk in person. Communication keeps up. Completely involved as a parent. Talks to me about the kids, their moods, if they['re fighting, and sends pictures upon my request when he has them on a snow day. We get into conversations about D9 and D12 involving everything. This is how we used to be....so happy being parents and enjoying the kids. Communication starts to lessen as crisis with D9 has gone away.
April: Communication is less, texts are more short and abrupt, no longer looks at me when bringing children home, complains of migraines, and is moaning and groaning in the door when dropping kids off.Appears irritable and pissy. Has offered to take D9 to MD appointment for me and I decline. He offers to stay at home to make sure D12 can be to school while Im out of town with D9, I decline because we made plans as a family to go together. Wants to take children to the Easter Egg hunt, and literally orchestrates it so they will go with him. Finds out he can't take them cause he made plans before he found out his schedule. Tells me he's trying to figure out what to do. I offer to take care of it. After that contact minimal. He doesn't respond to texts, saying he hasn't gotten them. D9 the messenger and I find out his schedule through her. 3 days later he texts me schedule. Finds out we have contractor in the house to renovate bathroom, accuses him of stealing D12's ipod.
I just find it interesting.
I am no longer wishing to have a relationship with him or reconcile. I don't want to speak to him, see him or have anything to do with him. I resent that he's at my house every day.Interesting thought, he is more available and more present in our lives now than he was when he was here, yet he hasn't lived here in a year.
Im working VERY hard on my stinking thinking and trying to distract myself over getting stuck in my resentment towards him. Anytime he makes a comment to me, or to the kids and they relay it to me that indicates any sort of involvement with us outside of basic visitation, I get furious. I feel like he's still here thinking he can tell me what to do, and then turn around and criticize me for what I did in the first place, like he always used to do.
It is none of his business if I have to have a contractor in here renovating things while I can't be at home. It is rude that he interfered with Easter plans. Our original plans were changed all because he talked D12 into doing something she wasn't sure she wanted to do, yet he tells me she did want to do.
So I am left to live with a very akward situation and I resent that. I know I sound crazy. At first I wanted my marriage intact and wanted to save it.Good memories were surfaced when D9 had her crisis and he was the H and man I remember him to be. I missed that man and it pulled at my heart strings. Then my walls went up and I've been very defensice since. And now, if it weren't for the fact I have children with this man I would be pleased to never speak or see him again.
No Kimmerz, you are not crazy. Nor do you sound crazy. Not to me anyway. Upset? Defensive? Hurt? Yes. But not crazy.
I would think those feelings are not only normal, but it doesn't help that your ex is intruding in your life. Your feelings seem very normal to me.
His? Hmm.. Does it occur to you that he is "happier" now that he thinks he can move on and "get rid of" you? Most likely that won't last. He'll have to be happy without being able to blame you. That's going to take time though. Lots of it.
Stop and think for a second: it doesn't end because he leaves. Or because he does x or y. It stops when you make it stop. That may make you angry and resentful that you have to be the one to end his behavior towards you. But he will not. I can tell you that from experience.
He left. He left you with a pile of c***. That was then, this is now. He may have left, but it is your choice to leave him. And it has to be that way. You must focus on you and what you want. Not what he does or wants. That's not your normal behavior so it takes time. But you will do it now or later.
My suggestion? Give it a few weeks before you act. Let the divorce get behind you and your feelings subside. This is not what you asked for nor what you wanted. But since it's here, it does not mean you need to stay angry, resentful, nor a doormat.
I get it. I really do K. But I can tell you it gets better and you move on. And if you treat him as you want to be treated, regardless of his actions, eventually things get to a new normal regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Your kids benefit from that. You will too.
It just takes lots of time and work. But it does get much much better than you ever dreamed of. It gets better than you ever hoped. Than you have allowed yourself to experience in a very long time due to the marriage you were in.
It gets great.
Hang in there and be patient with yourself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJM...I appreciate your point of view and advice. It helps me put things in a different perspective.
Yes it's occured to me since he left that he's happier getting rid of me...so happy infact that he moved in OW...but still wants to be friends with me. I've told him 3 times since we split that I didn't want to be friends with him. But he continues to act like it, and me being the person I am, find it extremely difficult to remain distant, cool, and detatched from someone that's purposely being nice to me. Its not my nature. But interacting with him in a friendly manner just makes me feel worse about myself, because I feel controlled. I feel like I have to be nice back, and I have to be friends with him because I have to do this for the kids. All in all...Im trying to please everyone, but myself.
Over the last week I've really started shifting into the thoughts of how we teach people how to treat us.Your input AJM was just what I needed to hear. I never stopped to think that just because he left, did and said certain things doesn't mean that it has ended...and maybe it really hasn't ended for him in some aspects. Maybe he's the one that really hasn't accepted what being "done" really means.
Quite frankly I think that's why Im so damn frustrated, angry and resentful. If it's over, and we're divorced, this needs to be treated like divorce. I've had that mindset all along, but he has fought me tooth and nail on it believe it or not.I remember telling him this back in the fall.I told him we were getting divorced and it was time he and I started acting like it. I was accused of always changing the rules and never being able to make up my mind whenever I would start a new boundary. He was furious with me when I put my foot down about him coming over to the house and picking up the girls for school, or dropping them off lunch without a word to me or them, and just showing up. He used to just come over during summer vacation and take off with them for the afternoon and I'd be the last to know...via text by the kids. He would make plans and tell me what he was going to do last minute, AFTER HE GOT THE CHILDREN ALL PUMPED UP and then say " I hope this is ok". He just didn't seem to grasp the concept we were getting divorced, and that this is NOT HOW WEL ROLL ANYMORE.
When I put my foot down, lord did I get rebellion and spew...just like a teenager getting pissed off for getting the car keys taken away or something. I couldn't believe it. I was accused of controlling every moment he has with the kids and controlling whether he saw them or not. I was accused of making him jump through hoops and to beg to see the kids and he was going to refuse to do it. LOL....and all I asked him to do was to check in with me before making plans with the girls, because the girls and I have plans together too!
No AJM, it doesn't make me angry at all that I have to be the one that ends it. Quite frankly it's empowering to me. It gives me a sense of power that I have felt taken away from me when he left. But I was the one that gave it to him in the first place, I just didn't know it. I gave so much power to him over the years, I literally lost myself. I felt like I still had to do everything to still please him to #1. Try and get him back. #2.Be fair to him since he's the other parent. #3.Get any cooperation in child support from him.
But I don't have to do that anymore.
Once again its all in how you look at things. I've spent many years looking at things from a caregiver point of view for everyone. But I forgot to take care of myself.
Kimmerz, The mlcer may say that they are done w/us, but truly they are not. They want their cake and eat it too. Of course he has the ow w/him and yes, he still wants you as a friend too. But the fact remains, the definition of friend that we refer to is not the same as it is for the mlcer. They want us to remain right where they left us and we are never to step foot outside of that bubble. Life doesn't work that way and they hate it when you begin to move on and get stronger.
As long as you go along w/their plans, they are happy as clams. However, the minute that you question or challenge them in any way, that is when the sprew and anger will surface. They want to control everything even if they are not w/us.
You will find the strength and know when it is time to end this behavior. You are the only one that can do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The divorce papers have been signed and will be sent off today. Attorney's office says we'll be divorced by next week.
As I look back I still can't believe this has happened. All for what?
Today I've been very emotional and crying. Remembering, trying to made heads or tails of how all this came to be. 6 years ago yesterday was when my mom unexpectedly died. 6 years ago yesterday my H really treated me like a true friend and husband would treat someone. I felt loved.
Then 2-3 months after my mom died, I now know he went into his MLC depression. 6 months after my mom died his grandfather died. Just days after his grandfather died, I got the Bomb drop. I kicked him out, and he was gone for a week and then asked to come home. He was home for 3 months and then he was shot. 9 months later he returns to work. 2 months after being back into work, he starts in with angry behavior again then depressed behavior back and forth. I call him on it and he tells me he's not happy, but to please not kick him out because he has no place to go. When I asked him what we should do, he says " keeping paying the bills, and keep a roof over our heads." I said " and then what?" he says " I don't know, we'll just figure it out from here on".
From here on out it's even cloudy to me the chain of events, but I guess it doesn't matter.
I guess Im just sad it's really finally coming to an official end. I see him as a person that creates so much more pain in his very own life just because he doesn't know how to communicate. I know it hurts him. I still love this man, but how can anyone have a healthy relationship with someone is the other one is so dysfunctional, and doesn't even want to try and be more emotionally healthy?
His kind actions has made me think over and over, become defensive, angry and frustrated. I want to believe he means it but I don't trust him. And I can't ever trust he'd even talk to me about things. At the same time I questioned if he was wanting ME to do some emotional work again and bring stuff up and get a R talk going....because unless it's spew time, it takes an act of all that's Holy to get him to speak up. But if I started up with talks like that, I feel that's teaching him that I will always do the emotional work.
I just don't know to do anything but let go and move on, but it's so hard when they're directly in your face and you have to deal with them consistently. I constantly question if he and I were able to communicate if we would've survived this. I constantly ask if he really is the selfish emotionally abusive narcissist that he acted like for years, or if it it is the MLC talking and OW stirring the pot. Like every LBS...I really don't know who my ex is anymore.
My heart goes out to you today. I remember the anger and frustration I had when I signed those papers. It’s unfortunate that the MLC’er doesn’t see the damage they are doing. Time is your best friend today and for a while, until you hit that point that you feel good about yourself again. It is coming and regardless, you are in a crappy place until that day arrives. Keep doing what’s best for you and your girls. That’s where the real joy in life is found.
I don’t know if you will ever truly know what or why they are going through this stuff. Let go and move on is the only choice you have. This isn’t easy but with the great people you surround yourself with, it gets easier by the day. Stay positive and stay strong, everyone likes a positive person.
Take care!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Wish you the best Kimmerz. I know it hurts. I wish I could say it goes away quickly. That you go to sleep upset and wake up happy. That it happens autonomically - without you even thinking about it.
I do know you'll come out of it better. I do know that he may never come out of it. I also know that although you feel certain things from him, his actions say otherwise and in the end, you can really only go by the actions and what you will and will not accept from anyone. Based on that, your choices are few where it concerns him at this time and it is sad.
Take the time to get yourself past this.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
