I feel for you, but I know you are tough, level-headed, and will thrive instead of just survive...
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because unless it's spew time, it takes an act of all that's Holy to get him to speak up. But if I started up with talks like that, I feel that's teaching him that I will always do the emotional work.
This is very insightful...and thus powerful....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Kimmerz, Please be kind to yourself. I'm sorry that your divorce date has come and it will be over soon. No one wins when there is a divorce on the table. However, you are a survivor and I want you to know that once you find your footing, you will be okay. It may take a while, i.e., cloudy/dreary days will come and go, but one day you will discover that the sun will begin to shine again.
Don't set the bar so high that you can't jump it. Take duties and responsibilities and and tackle them one by one, don't attempt to tackle them all at once. Accept that there are going to be times that you will not get everything done or the way you want it.
I want you to understand that he's not happy about this situation either, but he's on a runaway train that even he can't stop because he's in a crisis and must take that train all the way to the very end. Now, whether he's willing to ride it to the end or stop along the way, that is his choice and there's nothing any of us can do to help him.
Kimmerz, please, please take care of yourself. We are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I called my aunt and we had a good talk. It helped me get a little more wind in my sails. She told me that in her opinion ( and she's walked every step of the way with me on this) is that XH really and truly misled me to believe things weren't as bad as they were.
And on another note....Xh told me last weekend he would turn in the title to the vehicle with the final paper work. When I came to sign the papers at my attorney's office, guess what? Xh didn't turn in the title to the vehicle. I've only requested that 4 times in the last year. His attorney was promptly contacted, and XH brought the title shortly after I left.
Did he really forget? Another power play? Heck I don't know. He seems very forgetful lately.
Tonight is his overnighter with the girls, and I am working an evening shift at work to help cover vacations. Think it's good for me to work this afternoon. Wonder if ANYTHING will register with him after signing our divorce papers and then having our children together..... I highly doubt it.
Im doing ok though, objectively Im relieved to get this going. I can't file bankruptcy till my divorce is final, and I need to get that taken care of ASAP...so on ward and upward.
I've decided Im open to dating, and open to a new relationship, but Im not actively looking. Right now Im enjoying just being me, and being a mom, and thinking of what I now want to do with my life.
For starters....a new career! Im thinking life coach.....but maybe after I get my life a little more straightened out. I really would like to help people help themselves.
What snodderly said keeps running through my mind, that the MLCers expect us to stay right where they left us. Im really beginning to feel that way based on his actions. Gosh...always on their terms!
Hi Kimmerz. Things are moving. That's good, believe it or not. You'll see things differently at a later date. Keep moving
Life coach? I have a friend that did same. She is doing well. Started it during a similar situation. Very busy and very good. Helping others can be a way to help ourselves oddly enough. Helps us to see things differently. And it's a good profession if you ask me.
One thing you may want to consider in all of this. This is painful for your husband as well. He won't admit it, but it's not pain free like he may have thought. He's not as happy about it as he may have thought either. It's a two way street. His sadness is no different than yours, except maybe he has other issues and guilt. Hard row to hoe so to speak. Why he believes this is the best thing is beyond my comprehension.
That said, don't let down your guard. Just because its final, doesn't mean he won't lash out. He's looking for happiness and when he doesn't get it from this may think you are to blame or at least take it out on you.
It gets much better though, for you. It really does. Just keep moving.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine what your husband thinks he has gained with his new status. I know many of us hope that our WS's will wake up before our relationships are legally severed, but sadly the MLC journey takes longer than the divorce process. I believe one day they will all realize what they have lost, including your husband. They may never admit it, but current and future relationships will pale in comparison to what they had. I am praying for you tonight.
Thank you everyone for your support, I really appeciate it. All your words are a comfort.
I guess given his actions for the majority of this past year, and the fact he moved directly on with OW, well to me that looks like he has ZERO regrets, and ZERO unhappiness, and that he's too the moon with his new life.
Quite frankly I figure the only thing he's uncomfortable with is the fact he's offered to pay me an extra 125.00 in spousal support, and that he does NOT get to see his kids as near as much as he wants. Other than that he appears like he's fine and dandy, happy with his life and happy with his divorce. He has a woman that meets all his needs and also has alot of common interests as he does, his house is surgically clean with no "real life" messes. His house is full of junk food and all the play toys you can imagine (tv's, computers, video games, new furniture, stereo's) you name it.
Ok one thing I can tell you about him....he appeared to always be looking for that " high" in something new. New video games, new movies, new tv's, new gamins systems, new computers, just new, new, new, buy, buy buy. Don't even ask about our credit card debt we've wiped out 2 times because of it. I remember him telling me that he has purchased some nice things for us last year ( new t.v., new cell phones, gaming system for kids-dear god we only had 3 systems! like we need another????) and that it still didn't help him feel happy.
So Yes, Im wrapped up in what I've seen make him feel instantly gratified to buy him some happiness time. Given he couldn't control NOR SPEAK to me of the real issues we had that take real work...he dealt with it like he does everything else. WE GET A NEW ONE. So he got a new OW since the wife just didn't do it for him. Oh have mercy....
You know what? If it ever hits home with him, what he did and truthfully why he did it.....I think it will devastate him. But it just might save him too.
I hope he learns...because if he doesn't he'll just keep running.
Kimmerz, I hope he learns too, but there are some that are comfortable in that zone and will continue to run because they were never taught to suck it up and accept that life has its ups and downs.
The "euphoria" will most likely last about 6-8 months and then the shine will begin to dull...but that's his problem, not yours!
You've got a good handle on your situation and I hope that everything works out for you and your children in the days to come. At some point, the divorce will hit you hard, but remember this...it is just a piece of paper and you are going to be fine. If you get angry, find a nice pillow and beat the crap out of it. If you have a flower bed that requires weeding, tackle it and get the weeding done. You will need to vent and that's where we come in.
Kimmerz, hugs to you today and I am very sorry it came to this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im really doing ok. I feel like I've done all the grieving and letting go process this entire year.It's been a bad year, and I've spent the majority of it very depressed and so sad. Infact today I've felt a sense of relief and freedom, yet still just sorrow this had to turn out this way.
And I agree with you snodderly, the divorce is just a legal paper, that's all it is. Heck that's all that legal marriage is as well.
What will truly bring me down is if I find out that they're getting married or have gotten married right away. It doesn't seem that the all MLCers go out and get married right away. I'd like to believe that the total disgust and repulsion he showed me when I asked if he was going to marry her 7 months ago was or still is the truth. But I have to accept it's totally over and what he does with who is none of my business unless it affects my children.
I don't understand why he would talk so rudely or carelessly about them living together 7 months ago to me. What I can't get over still to this day is how he had her in the wings and was living with her and sleeping with her but acting like my best friend! He was sending me dirty jokes on my phone!?!?!?! Hello? That sure doesn't sound like someone getting divorced to me! Acting in such a way I thought we were actually reconcilling and starting to piece things together! He wanted to come over and clean the house and yard up with me and have a garage sale last summer, all the while he's nailing twinkle twat?
I still swear he's got bi polar 2 or dysthymia. I've seen that man be high as a kite for months and then dive down for months, then to come on the radar for a few hours of being amongst the living, to down again. What I saw 2 weeks ago...looked like he was diving down again.
Seriously? Is this part of them expecting us to remain right where they left us and expect to come and go and still have what they want whenever they want? I feel like he has OW in the exact place he wants her and then he still tries to keep me in the exact place he wants me. When I say no... well you know what happenes then!
As far as I know their living together has only been for 9 months. His sitch sounds really weird from what the kids have said, but then again Im not sure I should really take what they kids say very seriously. What I do know is the OW stays away from the kids and makes very little to no effort to try and connect with them. However interaction between Xh and Ow i hear about every now and then and it stings, let me tell you it does.
On a happier note, we finally have nice weather here and I can't wait to work on my yard tomorrow. Im very tired from working late last night, getting 4 hours sleep and then back to an insane day at work again, but hey it's friday!
Kimmerz, I am not surprised that you feel some relief...it's been a long, hard road that you've been on. As you move along, your load will get even lighter because you are now in control of your own destiny and have the strength to make your own decisions w/o interference. Also, you will begin to see the light, so to speak, and begin to step back and review your past history w/your xh. You will begin to understand more and more about his behavior.
One of the most important things that was pointed out to me long ago and is to look at the behavior and not the person (as a whole). The behavior is out of control because it is all about the emotionally side of his inner self. The behavior stems from the childhood and what he's been displaying is most certainly a time in his life when he was a teenager or early in his 20's, i.e., thus the rude and crude conversations about his living w/the twinkle twat.
A large majority of them appear to be bi-polar, but they truly aren't...it's the emotions that they can't control and when they get emotional, they are all over the place. As he continues to "grow", he will begin to get his emotions in check, but he's got a lot of growing to do before this happens.
Right now, he doesn't understand what "friend" means as a grown up. Keep in mind that when he was very young, he had to learn what the word friend meant and that's where he is today...still trying to learn how to be a mature man.
Kimmerz, there are still going to be times when he rocks your world, but you will be wiser and know how to handle it. Stay, cool, calm and collected when he's acting out. The way you handle his behavior will confuse him, but I guarantee it will diffuse the situation and hopefully make interacting w/him less stressful.
Please try to enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes Snodderly, it has been one long road. It's been the past 3 months that I've really been able to stand back and look at my relationship with xh more objectively and realistically. I am seeing him differently. He's not so inhuman anymore.
The past 6 years have been the worst. Now that I understand MLC....he's been in MLC for 6 years, and he's definately not gone through the stages in chronoligical order. Infact I think he actually went through all the stages except Replay, which he's in now. What I question is if he could be starting to peek out of the tunnel into Acceptance. The BD was a year ago, but really I've been dealing with this for years. And I am exhausted from it. Spritually, mentally and emotionally. I feel just "fried". I feel used up, chewed up and spit out. It's really hard to stay on a consistent path of building your self esteem when you're literally sucked so dry. My job is also very emotionally and mentally draining. So at the end of the day, I feel like a ghost from what I used to be.
So I just take it one day at a time.
I guess what I really need to let go of, but I know I won't ever, is if he's really aware of how he's dramatically changed the lives of many people by his actions. I know him well enough to say that I think he is starting to understand that.
Thank you for reminding me that I need to look at his actions and behavior not him as a person. That is very hard to really grasp at first, but as the reality of the true hell he's going through sinks in with me, it's a little easier to accept. I tend to judge people by their behavior, especially when it's just down right brutal and mean.
You know, now that I think about it, Xh child hood and teenager years were very painful for him. He never felt like he fit in and according to a mutual friend that went to school with him he was a wall flower. I was his first everything. This makes sense if this is something he's trying to come to grips with now through his MLC.
But for me this is so hard to grasp because I was happy with my High School years. I had friends, I had fun, I never felt like an outsider looking in. I had flirtations and a few boyfriends, but only XH and one other person my true High School sweethearts. I had the time of my life in High School and even my early 20's with Xh.
I don't know.. I look at this from the MLC angle and say to myself " no wonder". Then I look at it from the simplistic point of view. He wasn't happy, so he left to go find it and he's happy now. You should do that too. Why be with someone that doesn't want to be with you anyway, he's made that clear for years he doesn't want to be with you. He still cares about you but to him there's no use in staying together cause the passion is gone and he has no motivation to try and get it back because it's easier to find it with someone else.
And then.....we see eachother, look eachother in the eye, and by God that connection is still there. But ooops....we're getting divorced! He's still living with OW...and it's all done by his choices and actions.
Now Im curious. Would him getting his love tank filled by another woman actually make him want to be nice to me and then want to try and be friends with me and pursue the friendship part? Make him want to be a better father? This is what I HATE about not being able to communicate with him. Why the hell couldn't he just say to me " Ok this is what's going on.... this is how I feel about our situation now and this is how I would like it to be". I am so sick and tired of having to read between the lines, act as if, yet be dying inside, keep the boundaries up to protect myself and the children, yet still have to allow him in our lives because of the children.
My aunt thinks he's a total narcissist and looks at our relationship as control based and that I've been emotionally abused so badly I never could see it. One of my best friends thinks he's just a horrible person and says he would be better use to me dead than alive and divorcing me. These two tell me all he does to me are head games, manipulation, and he still feels he can control me, and that because of the kids I never will really be rid of him.
Yet I guess what just upsets me so is all I want is the truth and I really don't know what the truth is anymore.
