You know, I was always there to shield him from this sort of disappointment because I dealt with the day to day while he was living it up in his cushy cushy job where everything is catered for. He'd then wonder why I would get so irritated and complaining about things not working, and I would say, "Because things don't work here!" He just never got that.
I am glad he is now having to deal with the day to day all by himself, and it's a much needed lesson. Maybe he can start to develop a bit of empathy, compassion and understanding now for a change - which he needs to do!!!
Sorry - I just couldn't do that - appreciate them or him today. I really would have preferred absolutely nothing. It was like tipping a waiter a penny - pure insult. Sorry - no can do.
What I can appreciate in this latest fiasco, was the level of effort he put into it all. Now, that's worth something, and I let him know that already - quite clearly and straight-fowardly.
I've just been reading your posts & can feel that you have a lot of resentment towards your H right now. I think Bklyn was right about the flowers. I mean he's made an effort to get flowers delivered, felt terrible about them not arriving to you on your birthday, been on the phone to the florists trying to sort it out & then when they do get there, you don't appreciate them & tell him they made you cry. I can totally understand his, 'Woe is Me, everything I touch turns to sh*t' feelings right now. It might not have seemed attractive and masculine the way he handled the situation, but it felt like he was reaching out to you.
I think this guy who paid you all the compliments on your birthday you've been hanging out with is clouding your judgement about your H right now. He is making you feel good about yourself, saying all the right things, making you feel!! Whether you realise it or not you are comparing your H to this guy.
You've been doing really well YC with the GAL and the detaching, but you are coming accross lately, like you don't want to get back with your H and it's confusing me.
Don't feel too bad about your birthday, I mean when you read people's posts they don't even know whether to send a text or a card wishing their WAS / LBS a happy birthday. It's a limbo situation for both parties.
Have a think about how your last interaction went with your H & try & put yourself in his shoes. If it was me, it wouldn't make me want to step up my pursuit. I think your next interaction with H needs to be warmer & more positive. It might be pursuing on your part, but I would offer an olive branch here while he is feeling low, by contacting him and apologizing about the flowers & reassuring him that it was a nice jesture & that you appreciated he did that for you. (It doesn't have to be anything more than that)
I'm not telling you what to do though Yankee, I'm just stepping in your H's shoes & letting you know what would make me feel better in that situation.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I know it sounds as though I am being ungrateful, and frankly I'm hurt and disappointed. I'm tired of feeling hurt and disappointed in a relationship that actually doesn't exist - or, it exists whenever he feels he wants it to exist. The whole thing makes me wonder what I'm doing - in a rhetorical sense.
And, you all need to know my H sends EVERYONE flowers. It's his thing. Someone has a baby, they get flowers, someone's grandmother dies, they get flowers, someone has him over for dinner, they get a basic thank you bunch of flowers. I do the same but I send Thank You e-cards/cards. So, FOR HIM it's not exactly 'out of his way.'
I am sorry that other DBers don't get that...but if their H doesn't normally do those things, they won't do it naturally and so they wouldn't get whatever it is their H does as a bog standard action. For my H, it's about being polite more than it is about being loving.
Like I said earlier, I do feel that he made an extra effort - but let's be clear that he made that extra effort because the delivery people totally screwed up.
I do love him deeply - otherwise I would not have been working so hard for so long. After 2 years of this back and forth though, I think I deserve to be a bit disappointed and tell him about it. It clearly isn't going to make a difference anyway!
I don't know Bill. You are right. I'm not sure I want to put myself through it all over again - for how many years longer.... I do have some thinking to do.
It doesn't have much to do with the 'friend'. I'm not so young (anymore) nor naive to think this other person is the answer to all my prayers. HARDLY!
BTW - I did text my H to let him know I appreciate all the effort he made today, and to remind him that these flower delivery people aren't always reliable, so it wasn't his fault. The flowers must have been sitting in the van overnight - hence looking rather limp and sad, so it wasn't his fault. I reminded him of the time that I sent him flowers and they also arrived in a pretty sorry state - and he too was disappointed, and that it happens to the best of us. It has happened to my mother too - several times. So, I told him not to lose sleep over it. He appreciated it, and we had a laugh in the end.
I'm really glad that you did that for your H about the flowers and judging from how it went it probably made you feel a lot better about the situation as well.
You're definitely right when you state you know your H & that flowers are his thing, with all the flower sending. If that's his thing, it isn't so bad (could be a lot worse), but I totally understand when something becomes predictable it loses its effect.
It doesn't have much to do with the 'friend'. I'm not so young (anymore) nor naive to think this other person is the answer to all my prayers. HARDLY!
This sounds almost word for word what my W said about the OM when I called her on it, it's like it could be a script ;-)
YC, I wouldn't think any less of you if you did throw the towel in - 2 years is a hell of a long time to be stuck in limbo. I question my staying power sometimes & it's only been 2 months for me.
I think I'll have a completely different outlook on my sitch if I do move out. At the moment, things are good at home for me (superficially at least), my kids are happy, me and my W get on great & we are having lots of incredible sex. But I'd be lying to myself if I thought that was enough, emotionally it's just not there between us yet. This is hardly surprising as at the moment the plan is still to separate in May, so I'm pretty much a friend with benefits to my W, she is not committed to our R and doesn't wear her rings anymore.
I think this shows how far I've come in such a short space of time, that on paper, I'm only one part of a relationship short (well 2 if you throw the trust in there) & it's not enough for me anymore.
Patience and trust are hard commodities to acquire when you've been cheated on and received a bomb saying that your W doesn't want to be with you anymore. If I didn't love my W and my family I would have walked after learning about the above.
I'm in it for the long haul and I'm so grateful to this forum for being here, helping each other along the way.
I know you love your H YC, that's why you are still here plugging away - hang in there chief.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I'm really glad that you did that for your H about the flowers and judging from how it went it probably made you feel a lot better about the situation as well.
Yes it did Bill, thanks for that
Quote:
It doesn't have much to do with the 'friend'. I'm not so young (anymore) nor naive to think this other person is the answer to all my prayers. HARDLY!
This sounds almost word for word what my W said about the OM when I called her on it, it's like it could be a script ;-)
Really? Oh dear me!
Truth of truth, I would prefer to be with my H (of course) but someone else who pays attention and makes me feel a little special will do for the time being. If I didn't get any feedback, it's like living in the world without any mirrors to know who you are, what you look like.
My H rarely paid me compliments. I mean, he would say things like, "I admire the way you think," and "That dress looks good on you." Or, if I'd complain, he'd say, "But I touch you don't I?" Only once in 17 years together did he tell me I was beautiful - mind you everyone else did! But not my H. I even said to him at some point, "I need you to tell me I'm beautiful." He finally said it to me two days later in the most forced way you could imagine. Did I compliment him - OH YES! Like all the time.
So, I think deep down I just want to be single after all this and enjoy myself being single, and just focus on my career and throw my energy into something that will give something back to me (my career).
I've spent too much mental and emotional energy on keeping my head above water in this situation of mine, and I think I deserve to be happy now.
Quote:
YC, I wouldn't think any less of you if you did throw the towel in - 2 years is a hell of a long time to be stuck in limbo. I question my staying power sometimes & it's only been 2 months for me.
Thanks. Yeah, it's not easy for me to just give up. I keep trying to get myself to give it up, and I wish I could. I want to actually!! Arghhh!
It does get hard at times Bill. Expect it - there will be doubts along the way.
Quote:
I think I'll have a completely different outlook on my sitch if I do move out. At the moment, things are good at home for me (superficially at least), my kids are happy, me and my W get on great & we are having lots of incredible sex. But I'd be lying to myself if I thought that was enough, emotionally it's just not there between us yet. This is hardly surprising as at the moment the plan is still to separate in May, so I'm pretty much a friend with benefits to my W, she is not committed to our R and doesn't wear her rings anymore.
I had that situation with my H as well last year. It is hard work when they don't get that they too need to do some work, and that R's don't just grow off of trees. I'm sorry to report being a friend w/benefits doesn't work. It doesn't hurt but it doesn't work.
I'm beginning to think that maybe just moving on all together is really the only answer. Let them sit and wonder by themselves what is a good R, and only then will they maybe wake up a bit.
Are we being too nice Bill?
Quote:
I think this shows how far I've come in such a short space of time, that on paper, I'm only one part of a relationship short (well 2 if you throw the trust in there) & it's not enough for me anymore.
You have come a long way, and you have learned so much about human behavior/expectations/what makes a R work. You are well armed for the future, no matter what happens.
My H hasn't told me anything about any OW/EA, but knowing his track record, it's kind of expected. I don't know if it's better to not have that confirmed, or to have it confirmed.
I sometimes wonder if this whole 'DB program' is simply a way for us LBS's to get our self-esteem back together, and then if the R falls in line then great! If not, at least you have an important part of yourself back.
Truth of truth, I would prefer to be with my H (of course) but someone else who pays attention and makes me feel a little special will do for the time being. If I didn't get any feedback, it's like living in the world without any mirrors to know who you are, what you look like.
I think if you really want to move on and be single - you need to do this for you.
I've spent too much mental and emotional energy on keeping my head above water in this situation of mine, and I think I deserve to be happy now.
You do deserve happiness YC, I think you'll know when to call time on your DB'g, I still hope your happiness is with your H, because that is who you really want to be with.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
It was orthodox easter and my parents had a family gathering. My dad asked if he could invite my H - I let him. My H responded immediately that he would come over.
He was over and we had a very good lunch. We then ended up watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which of course brought up so many emotions, but I kept it all under wraps. In total, he was there for about 5 hours, in what seemed to be a comfortable manner. Good company, good conversation.
On the way out, he hugged me as usual, and I hugged him back, pulled away, but he pulled me back in.
I really don't get where he is at. Talk about confused!!!
I have no feedback from my family, as they just kept it all very friendly and comfortable. The only thing my mom said was, "It's strange to see you two not being together, as 'just friends.'
On the way home, I thought to myself I just want some clarity. I will carry on in my direction. This fence business is very tiring.
