Parenting with an MLCer (and other things ) Part 2

[Kimmerz]

I started back up with No More Mr Nice guy last night. Wow, does this describe my marriage and XH personality. I now really understand what's been going on with him for so many years and how it has come to this point.

But I find Im still very disturbed by what Im learning. I don't know why I just can't detatch and let it go at times.

When I learn the "real issues" that lie beneath the actions, I first feel that "aha" moment come over me. " no wonder! That explains alot! So that's what he meant by doing that then spewing this".

Then I get really emotional because I feel empahty for someone to have such sensitive emotions that they feel this is how love works! Love doesn't work that way. This has been an eye opener to me because I guess you could say that I've been a victum of the disease to please at times too. I got into a crazy dynamic with Xh over this, as I now see how he did with me. All I knew is Xh wasn't happy, and I couldn't figure out exactly why. So I felt if I did certain things in my behavior it would draw him out and he'd be encouraged to connect with me. But at that stage in the game all he wanted to do was run. Run because I didn't meet his secret expectations of reciprocating what he felt was love.

Then what do I want to do? I want to run back, I want to rescue, I want to tell him " If I only knew". I still want to fix it.

Then I look at his recent actions.... I feel as if he's been trying to be Mr. Nice Guy all over again, busting his butt to keep things running smooth, while he's still marching on his own path trying to figure himself out.

I myself am in hyper aware mode for a while. I notice things about the kids that are so much like their father. The way they talk, their similar senses of humor, the physical traits of his they were born with. They tell me things about him and I remember these things about him as if he hasn't been gone for a year. I notice at times if I text him he responds immeditately and eagerly, especially if we haven't had contact in a few days. Other times he doesn't respond at all or seems irritable. Why do I continue to see these things and analyze them?

I am still trying to fix things!

How do i become indifferent to this? I don't want to notice these things anymore, but I do. When do I learn to let go and not let the "why" of it all still haunt me, even when I do know why?

At the same time I question myself, of always needing an answer or always trying to problem solve. Who am I to test the Universe? Who am I to question God? A God I've prayed to endlessly to please help Xh and myself find our selves and our way back to one another. Things start to actually go in a good direction and then I fight it because it's NOT the way I want it to be. Is this punishment or a learning lesson? What am I supposed to do now?

I think I know my answer. Just trust the Universe and go with it. But it's scary letting go and walking into uncharted waters with no LIFE VEST.....aka sense of control or safety. I am a planner of the future and analyzer by nature. I value security and am loyal.

Just some deep thoughts Im having and venting out here...LOl

[TSquared2]

Hey Kimmerz~

I feel the same way when reading/re-reading the book you suggested, What Women Want Men to Know...man, if I had only known...

But....if what I have learned here and elsewhere is true, is that this would have happened anyway, the root was planted long before we came into the picture.

We know better now whatever lessons we have learned on this journey, and continue to learn.

I get stuck in the same places for the same reasons you do...and am still trying to find the answers you are looking for...I wish I had those answers, I wish I had complete trust in the universe, God, myself, etc. Maybe it is a continuous process, never fully at 100% complete...idk.

For myself, maybe it's like patience (which I am not very good at either), one minute/day/week/month/year at a time.

T^2

[AJM]

they feel this is how love works! Love doesn't work that way

Um, that's your perception of how love works, not his. That's based on your past experience not his. He doesn't necessarily KNOW how love works. He does know something isn't right, but not what. Think it makes you crazy? You're still on the same train as he is, my dear.

In the end, it is what it is. Nothing more than that. You can't rationalize it away other than to say you aren't going to live that way another minute. That you are not going to let somebody, anybody, treat you that way and you no longer are willing to feel the way you do.

The book? He wasn't a nice guy because something was wrong with HIM. Not because of the sappy pop-psy book that told him to be. You'll spot those jackasses quickly. Trust me on that.

As for how to get out of that cycle? See above, Kimmerz. It [censored] that we have to go through that. That we have to do that work at all. We didn't ask for it. We aren't broken. We did not pick incorrectly. It's not about us. It's about them and there is not one thing you can do about that except let them go and wish them the best.

We each do that differently and in our own time. For me it meant no contact outside of email regarding kid related business. I had to enforce that too. I still do. It's not what I wanted, but it is what I am willing to do. Not one bit more at this point in my life. I will not be treated the way she treated/treats me. She is not the person I knew for 20 years. I don't let other people treat me that way either, for the record. She used to get a pass while I tried to figure things out. I stopped when I realized, even if she told me, I couldn't believe it after all the lies. It simply is not possible any longer (been that way for a long while now).

I'm not immune yet. I'm innoculated. She still tries to hurt me. And one button at a time I pull out the button by the wires. I find there are very few left. None that I know of, but I'm not perfect; there may be one lurking somewhere. I'll rip that out when it becomes known to me to prevent being treated that way ever again.

We didn't do this. This was there before we came onto the scene in almost all cases from what I've read/seen. I know in my case I was almost "perfect" even in her eyes. She had to make things up. It actually helped that she was like that. It still does help sometimes. Because I'm not naturally an untrusting person. I don't like to live that way. It works for me. But in her case, I have to be incredibly skeptical and I find it draining. But that's what is, vs what I wanted it to be.

Focus on what is and let the rest go, Kimmerz. If you look at what is, you would tell yourself to let him go and find a man that will treat you right (when you're ready to be open to that). Every day.

AJ

[golf mom]

Kimmerz, we are so similar. Like you, I've read a ton since my H left. I've learned so much about myself and I think, in large part thanks to contributors here, that I have him somewhat figured out also. It is my nature to understand people and situations as part of accepting and coping with what is, but also looking for a way to fix things. As long as I'm willing to search, understand and contribute to a fix then hope is kept alive. Even though, like you, I'm moving forward in many ways, it's too soon to give up on my M. Unfortunately, our H's needed a quick fix to their unhappiness and haven't excepted the challenge and opportunity of the journey. I can imagine that long after my D is final I will still want to understand and hope for a miracle. I believe in my M and believe my H is not well. Some might feel that is being stuck, but for me it's truly not. Also, for what it's worth, I have read numerous places that it will take one year for every five you were together to heal. If that's true then you're very much at the beginning for your healing journey.

[AJM]

Kimmerz, I think we all go through that. We all hope that a miracle will happen. Like in the movies, Lassie will find Timmy and bring him home after all hope is lost. That can happen, but it has a finite window of time. Only you can decide that time window. But being stuck is not fair to you. It is not healthy in my opinion.

We all have tried to figure out the impossible to understand. It's why we are here. We come from all walks of life. Some of us here (not me) are even marriage counselors who's spouse did the same things ours did.

When we say it isn't about us, we mean that. That comes from hard fought information. From watching. From comparing. We realize we didn't cause this (none of us is perfect) and none of us could have seen it coming at the time. We all want(ed) to fix the problem with our spouse so we could resume our marital bliss. Pursue our ideals of family and to live true to our nature and values.

Many realize we did those things regardless of our spouses actions. For many, we do NOT want to give up. We want the chance to reconcile and understand. We work very hard to understand the impossible to understand. Our spouses don't understand in most cases.

You won't flip a switch and have an aha moment that suddenly releases you from the pain and suffering. But if you don't work toward letting it go it will kill you in the long run. Sickness. Living a life in limbo. Depression. Insanity.

Letting go is not the same as not letting come back. It never is the end of the story. But it is truly going to free you to be the best you that you can be. To live your life regardless of what your (ex)spouse does. That's important. You cannot control his journey. You cannot fix him. You cannot guess as to when or if he may figure things out or even if that will matter. Many may figure it out and never tell you because they are too ashamed.

None of us has all the answers, K. But we work to get better regardless. We get to a point where we wish them well and let go of the bitterness and anger and confusion and we let what is, be. We all take different steps to get there. I illustrated some of mine, but that's unique to me and my situation and how my ex chooses to interact with me. And my choice how I will allow it. What I will and won't accept in my life regardless of the consequences. As an example, I refuse to deviate from my beliefs. I believe in living my values and being true to my word. Believe me, I have a deep well to draw from when it comes to being faithful and true to my word. I was tested. I have been and continue to be tested and true to my word. That's a core value of mine and I will not under any circumstances let anyone change that. To change it would be to lose me.

De-focus your ex and figure out what your core values are aside from a faithful marriage (I think we can say you are a faithful spouse at this point, right? )

Change your focus at the very least. Keep trying ways to do that until it sticks. I found my methods after a lot of trial and error. Bumpy ride to say the least.

Your ex may never figure himself out. He may. You may never figure it out because you don't have all the information, K.

It won't happen overnight, but you do need to start the journey and not let anything derail you.

My $0.04 worth,

AJ

[Kimmerz]

Thank you all for your comments and insights.

You know AJ I think that's where Im just so frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel like if I keep searching for answers that I will get them, and THEN the pain will be gone for good.

I think perhaps maybe I have accepted many things, but I expected the pain to go away with coming to terms with all of this.

Im struggling with GAL. Im really, really stuck! You know the majority of my social circle was Xh family. That has all changed, nothing is the same between all of us anymore. No friends to do anything with, no family around, a job that [censored] the life out of me, and only my kids to hang around with. I enjoy doing things with my kids, but I don't want to them to feel like a crutch for entertainment for me.

I really just don't know what to do with myself. Im looking into college in the fall. But I do realize that I need more relationships in my life, more meaningful ones. I guess I just don't know where to go.

[job]

Kimmerz,
You will never get all of the answers to the mlc puzzle because we were not a part of their childhoods and do not know what happened. All we can do is continue to move forward. The pain will ease in time. The scars will slowly fade away, but many of the answers that you are seeking will not come. I had to learn to accept that no matter how much I learned, there was one piece of the mlc puzzle I would never get...his childhood issues. I've learned to accept that I did not harm him as a child, therefore I can't repair the damage that was done to him, i.e., only he can do that. I thank God every day that I am not on that sinking ship w/him while he is/was on the high seas trashing about.

When I was looking for entertainment, I joined a book club and made myself go. I went to the local coffee shop or book store and began talking to others about the best sellers. I took a few classes and picked up hobbies whereby I had to get up and go to the classes. I became more active in my community and you know what? It doesn't bother me now to do these things...and I've learned to ask for help when I need it. You can find many things to do, you just need to sit a bit and think about what you would like to do or learn and then it's one step at a time.

[AJM]

Im struggling with GAL. Im really, really stuck! You know the majority of my social circle was Xh family. That has all changed, nothing is the same between all of us anymore. No friends to do anything with, no family around, a job that [censored] the life out of me, and only my kids to hang around with. I enjoy doing things with my kids, but I don't want to them to feel like a crutch for entertainment for me.

Funny, I was just reflecting on this very concept earlier today. When this all hit several years ago, I too had no other social outlets. I was so focused on my family that I was doing so the exclusion of the other facets in my life. Then one day it hit me: I'm in the process of an unasked for refocusing in my life. I was given a chance to reconnect. To seek out and build new friendships and relationships. I had been sucked into the vortex of trying to save my marriage alone (I went willingly and would do so again.) It's not unlike a prisoner who is suddenly let free and has to adapt. They sometimes prefer the comfort of the cage, so to speak. I think that's mostly because it's familiar. The devil they know, right?
What really helped me was to see that. A friend of mine once commented that I should always get out, even if I didn't want to. I found that I should get out and be around people or doing something especially during those times I didn't want to.

What really sank in is that I have a chance to do things alone. That was scary at first. Empowering after that. I have nobody to answer to but me. My kids depend on me (my daughter now lives with her mother and doesn't speak to me, but that was after and it wasn't because of me per se.)

All in all, time doesn't heal on it's own. But it does give us the chance to change. The chance to adapt. The chance to rebuild ourselves into somebody we like and not somebody so consumed by things we cannot control that we go mad and cast away those around us.

It starts with that first step. That first minor change. You don't move a river all at once, but with one small shovel full of dirt at a time. Before you know it, you have built a new path and redirected that river.

There is no right or wrong way to do that. No clear path that magically appears. One step in the direction and it eventually leads you out of the fog and into clear fields. Sunny days. You become..you. Nothing more, nothing less.

One small step after another takes you forward.

Make sense? No magic pill. No magic teleportation device that will take you there and end the pain. Once small step after another after another after another....unitl the elusive "why" no longer holds the importance it once did.

While he tries to fix himself, you need to save yourself and exit the fog. You need to move to do that. One small step at a time. Doing things outside what you were used to. Not big things. You don't have to jump from an airplane to get a thrill (although it can be fun if not pushed )


AJ

[Kimmerz]

Interesting....I feel my most content when Im alone. That is when I feel like I have a life.

Why? I've spent the last 12 years taking care of everyone else and everything else...but me. This role took on a life of it's own as I was at home and did what needed to be done. As time goes on, next thing you know your plate is overflowing with things and it's go. go go. What I like about being alone is that I don't have to answer to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want.

Im actually beginning to wonder if my new GALing really needs to be more quality time with myself, rather then running out and trying to socialize. Infact I feel that I've spent many years over socialiing and focusing on other things than my needs and wants. I get plenty of socializing and enriching friendships with the great people I work with.

[TSquared2]

I think that GAL can take any form you wish...I have focused on career/job/income, home, house, W and kids for 18+ years...aside from my music which I gave up "active" (ie, playing in bands) pursuit when first child was born (and one attempt a few years ago), and my outdoor activities just re-started 4-5 years ago when oldest was old enough...so I hear you on liking to do things alone and not necessarily butterflying socially...lol...I never was all that good at that anyway....

And for my job I have to deal with lots of people and social interaction, so I am just fine doing things on my own when not at work (aside from kids and W, of course). W and kids were my non-work social life pretty much.

GAL is what we want it to be, imho. Mine doesn't necessarily need a lot of social, I do wish I had a few close friends, though, until W is back or if we split, I will work harder on that, but...I am okay doing things by myself.

The more I read your posts, I wonder if you are my long lost sister...

T^2