Never got around to writing that part 3.... at this time it has become a moot point, as it seems like our M is going in a different direction.
A week ago, we were doing OK, then H mentioned that he needs to go again to OW's country. I was crushed, but tried to recover and then assured him that I promised not to be difficult regarding his work and that I trusted him to do the right thing.
Angel,
You guys have this exactly backwards. It is your husband's job, at this point, to reassure YOU in the relationship. If he can't see that -- and if you can't -- I don't know what to tell you.
He's playing you, and yet YOU are trying to reassure HIM that you're not "paranoid." There's something horribly wrong with that.
Oh, I forgot to include an observation: I had always seen anger in H before, short temper, irritability with me.
Not this time. He seemed to have become incredibly patient this weekend. He looked at me, made his voice sound soft and even, even while arguing. He would catch himself. Even when I was pushing him. He would just say: enough, enough pain and hurt for the day. Lets call a ceasefire.
In the evening, he even decided to cook and have friends over, so that we would have a good end to our weekend.
In the morning, he asked me if I slept well, because he said I was having nightmares and he could not sleep, he kept on getting up to look at me.
I could not figure it out, but whatever it may be, it made me feel better and I was able to start my work week in a good way, functioning well and feeling cheerful.
So I just figure I still have something to be thakful for. And I am hoping that whatever it is, this changes means that my H is moving through the tunnel.
I don't know if I should still be here in piecing, or go back to MLC.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Oh, I forgot to include an observation: I had always seen anger in H before, short temper, irritability with me.
Not this time. He seemed to have become incredibly patient this weekend. He looked at me, made his voice sound soft and even, even while arguing. He would catch himself. Even when I was pushing him. He would just say: enough, enough pain and hurt for the day. Lets call a ceasefire.
In the evening, he even decided to cook and have friends over, so that we would have a good end to our weekend.
In the morning, he asked me if I slept well, because he said I was having nightmares and he could not sleep, he kept on getting up to look at me.
I could not figure it out, but whatever it may be, it made me feel better and I was able to start my work week in a good way, functioning well and feeling cheerful.
So I just figure I still have something to be thakful for. And I am hoping that whatever it is, this changes means that my H is moving through the tunnel.
Well, he cares for you, I think he really does. He just hasn't experienced that "fear of loss" that I keep talking about that he needs to. He doesn't want to hurt you, but that feeling isn't as strong as his selfish desires to keep doing what he's doing, and so he keeps both plates spinning on his little sticks, like one of those circus acts.
On one level, it's compassionate. But when you REALLY look at it, it's cruel.
Starsky, I know that, but what could I do? Its not like its a script. All I could do is work on my part. And for me, what I learned is that I should try to relearn to trust, and thats what I was showing him. I feel like I am taking the high road. I am not going to demand things from him, like reassurance. That is his choice.
He knows what is right, he has told me so,
Now if he messes that up, its his choice, and ultimately, he will be again suffering from guilt and shame.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You know, I was really trying to put together a plan for ending our marriage at one point during the week. I told him that we should plan to sell our houses in the next two years or so, and get our finances in order. I reminded him to pay for the company stocks, so we have college money for our D. I even had a plan in place for my returning to practicing my profession.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
and also, he did agree to us going to IC. Thats a big step.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Starsky, I know that, but what could I do? Its not like its a script. All I could do is work on my part. And for me, what I learned is that I should try to relearn to trust, and thats what I was showing him. I feel like I am taking the high road. I am not going to demand things from him, like reassurance. That is his choice.
He knows what is right, he has told me so,
Now if he messes that up, its his choice, and ultimately, he will be again suffering from guilt and shame.
The following is not a criticism, but just an observation. And I will preface it by saying that I BELIEVE in "the high road," and I try to take it in my own personal life whenever it's reasonable to do so, and whenever it doesn't violate my own personal boundaries of personal integrity.
But it has been my observation that about 99% of the time when someone POSTS about "taking the high road," they in fact have weak boundaries, and struggle in that regard.
There's nothing "high road" about allowing yourself to be walked on, Angel. You deserve SO much better than this.
Now if he messes that up, its his choice, and ultimately, he will be again suffering from guilt and shame.
But he still gets YOU.
Remove YOU from his list of options, and I believe he just MIGHT do the right thing. And if he doesn't, then he wasn't a man of quality with whom you should be with anyway.
Starsky, You are right about this being limbo, thus I have to say we are not in piecing. I think it may have been more of a false start, but nevertheless, at least it was a step towards reconciliation and not separation. One realization I have is that in piecing, couples start having expectations of each other, and I can't yet, as of now, expect anything from him.
As for me being part of the options - I think he is well aware that just like every human being, I can only take so much suffering, and one day, I too will break.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
See, that's just it, Angel: I DO think that two years in, you DO have a right to expect something from him. If he wants to remain married to you, ABSOLUTELY you have that right.
There is a huge myth that says "marriage is unconditional love." It is not! LOVE is unconditional, but the marital relationship is FILLED with reasonable expectations and conditions that each partner should have upon each other. To be loved, cherished, to remain faithful, to make reasonable efforts to meet each other's physical and emotional needs, etc., etc., etc.
God and dogs display unconditional love. And maybe mothers. For the rest of us, it's FILLED with conditions, baby.
Your husband will begin to respect those conditions and expectations no sooner than YOU do, Angel. I can't guarantee that he will if you will (although I highly suspect that he will, as he obviously loves you). But I can pretty much guarantee that he WON'T, if you won't.
