I guess I can be here now 2

[ESN]

** just so no one misinterprets - when I say let your emotions be your guides, I mean after you've sufficiently practiced feeling them, releasing them, listening to them, honoring them, getting calm and clear.

When you're in the midst of a crises, there's a lot of settling down/grounding that must go on first.

[KenF]

i dont think anyone has told dueinMay not to feel her anger, but we have said not to express it by beating her H.

adding to the great things gabbysmom said, a big part of being happy is choosing your perspective. dueinMay is making the choice to view things negatively, and she's miserable. she's setting conditions on her happiness and even when the condition is met, she finds fault.

its her choice on how she sees her life, and his actions. and her choices are being driven by her anger, and disappointment, and fears.

and its not about him anymore.

[ESN]

Gabby, it's extensive. I'm training as a life coach, so it would make sense

I like what you've said. I do think people need to move through grief as a natural process and happiness can flow. Heck, happiness can flow on top of grief too ... but the reason I'm encouraging May to work through these feelings is to be more available and present to all that is wonderful in her life.

Unfortunately, though, the feelings don't just disappear.

[figgeroni]

ditto Ken

[ESN]

So, May, What do you want?

A lot of people want you to be happy. But you're not feeling happy right now. A lot of people want you to drop it and move on. Are you ready to do that?

Why not?

Really, May, this needs to come from you. You are in charge here. These are your choices.

Ask yourself and see what you find - what do you need right now?

How is this situation perfect?

(see, my suspicion is that while most of this feels like circumstances out of your control, there's a reason why you're not stepping into your power and taking control and doing something - why? - what is being in this situation doing for you? we all make choices, conscious or unconscious -)

[25yearsmlc]

So, May, What do you want?

A lot of people want you to be happy. But you're not feeling happy right now. A lot of people want you to drop it and move on. Are you ready to do that?


who wants her to "drop it and move on"? You are not speaking for me.

ESN, You said people "dismiss" your comments - I never saw that. I also think you do get off topic, discuss books OTHER than the DB/DR books, a lot, and perhaps project a lot of your own situation onto hers, but hey, I could be wrong.

It's not important though, is it? I mean, this is her thread.

Why do you care what we think of your opinion, as long as we are all polite?

And aren't we all, at some level, just trying to help a woman who sounds like she wants very much to be happy?

MAY, yep I think you were spot on when you said you KNOW you are being immature, and other things, when you choose to see something negatively and refuse to let yourself be happy about something.

I think the apathy is a guard for you; it's a form of detachment

and maybe you want to just give all the marital analysis a rest of a brief respite.
Makes sense to me. Just be in the now for awhile...

ESN to your point - I guess I don't believe in letting emotions being your guide.

EMotions are reflections of so many things-not always true or real or accurate.
Including what we ate that week...or how well we slept, or a hundred other random events that may have little to nothing to do with the state of our marriage or people in our lives.

I had post partum depression after the birth of my 2nd child, for about 3 weeks. If it had not been so dramatic and sudden (so much so that I was actually aware of it, cognitively and weirded out, but a little fascinated too)

I might have looked around for a reason to feel sad. Then h would have been an easy target.

MAY - I'm not saying you have PPD, but I am saying that letting emotions be our guide in life can make us victims of our latest hormone swing, dietary change, malnutrition,

or psyche button pushed or past trauma being re-ignited and might not be real or fair to our loved ones...

I'm into cognitive behavioral analysis and behavioral therapy and letting our minds guide our emotions, not the other way around. I want reality to be my guide.

Of course it's NOT going to be all or nothing ESN and I get that. If I FEEL so strongly about something that I cannot rationally explain it, hey-

I have to really look at that emotional response and find out where the heck it came from or it'll boss me around in some way. I do get that.


Why not?

Really, May, this needs to come from you. You are in charge here. These are your choices.

Ask yourself and see what you find - what do you need right now?

How is this situation perfect?

(see, my suspicion is that while most of this feels like circumstances out of your control, there's a reason why you're not stepping into your power and taking control and doing something - why? - what is being in this situation doing for you? we all make choices, conscious or unconscious -)

[25yearsmlc]

ps May

Your Mother's Day was a gift from your h. This is him trying. Do you see that?

So, that's what is real NOW. It's Not something from the past, but its' today, it's how he is treating you.

Let the good stuff in, too. And it's okay not to have all the answers about your future right now, or tomorrow by 9 pm.


((( )))

[KenF]

dueinMay,
come out, come out, wherever you are.
hope all is well, just thinking about you.

[Eryam]

Wow it's been exactly a month. It feels like so much longer.

Work wrapped up. I survived. It was intense, but I'm glad it's over. I have until August 17th not to really think about it, and for that, I am exceedingly thankful.

I had two weeks between the end of my work and my Colorado trip. H was going to go, and then a week before we were supposed to leave, his company asked him to come do some crisis control in California.... for 3 weeks. He asked me what I thought. I told him that it sounded important (the CFO of that sector specifically asked for him) and that if he didn't mind missing the CO trip, I'd be ok with him going. And I don't know who suggested it, but D and I will be joining him out there for the last week of the 3 week trek.

So we're flying to LA tomorrow morning.

We signed on the house. H wants to move in the day after we get back from LA (which, coincidentally, is also his 30th birthday).

Oh, yeah, I had a birthday. It came, it went. I was en route to CO, and was recovering from strep (oh yes, in that 2 week period between the end of work and CO, I got a terrible case of strep).

I got a super sh!tty email today concerning my thesis. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm not happy with the university and they're not happy with me. It is overwhelmingly stressful to say the very least. I am going to do my best to enjoy LA despite the university BS.

We're supposed to go to Disneyland this weekend with D. Yes, I know she's too little to remember, but she really enjoys large characters (she just thinks they're overgrown stuffed animals amd squeals with delight), and hey, she's free. H's company is paying for the hotel and the car, and he gets a corporate discount to Disney. So, why not.

I'm also hoping to make some extremely positive associations with SoCal on this trip so I won't have a gd panic attack every time H has to go out there for work.

However, he's already given me the heads up that he is extremely stressed out with this crisis project thing. I know he's been working long hours in order to try to be able to spend more time with us this coming week. I told him I appreciate the effort. He also told me he's sleeping poorly. I wish he would see a doctor about that. I asked him to let me know if there's anything I can do to help make him less stressed out while we're there. I think I'll try to make lunch for him daily. He told me he's routinely eating only dinner while working 13 hour days.

I've been trying to do some soul searching too. Not much time for it, but some. I retook the Myers Briggs (if you've never taken it, you should. Fascinating stuff). I hadn't taken it in sometime, but apparently my personality has changed. I used to be an ESFJ. I'm now an ENTJ. Google it and you will understand me a lot better. I understand me better anyway. I also looked up how it interacts with H's personality (at least what he was the last time he took it about 5 years ago). He's an INTP. It seemed to highlight our differences and challenges (and compliments) well. It was kind of nice to realize "oh, we're not crazy, that's actually really, REALLY normal for us".

But realizing my change in personality is a little... hard. I can almost guarantee it was not this even a year ago. I had wondered if I had become... for lack of a shorter and better term... a heartless b!tch. And yes, pretty much, I have. I'm cold, calculating, and fierce. I call people on their sh!t, and I'm good at it. Unfortunately, people don't typically like that...

And I don't know when this shift happened. And I don't know if I like it.

[25yearsmlc]

May

I'll be in that area then. I would love to meet up.
I think you're doing great, and would enjoy buying you something tasty or just chatting. There is a LOT to offer here. Plus, I promise you no rain. And I like babies!
(I'm in alt universe and Kaffe Diem knows how to reach me.)

***FYI***

If you have the chance to go to another spot, Universal studios will also entertain the baby AND it's a ton more fun for adults, IF you can swing that.

Secondly, Regardless of which theme park you are going to, or all of them,

If you're going to do it and you know you only have ONE day there,

then I urge you spring the extra bucks for the "fast pass" that separates the lines so you have a much shorter line to wait in. OFten you'll have NO wait with a fast pass.

You will see much more and wait in line much much less. With small kids it can make the difference between a lovely fun day and memory (even if it's not one of her memories, it'll be one of yours)

OR an ordeal to endure.

I've been taking our kids or their cousins to Disneyland or Universal or Busch Gardens or Magic Moutain ETC for decades now.

Here's the difference in one example.
Went to King's Dominion theme park in Williamsburg VA,& it cost us today's equivalent of nearly $200 for h, me and the 2 kids we had then.

It was a HOT day, lines were long, and I was in line A LOT. In total, I went on THREE rides. That's in over 10 hours May...wth? My did 4. The kids needed breaks and water and food and bathrooms but most of it was standing in line in 90'F heat and humidity (which at least won't bother you here).

The next year we went again, but went for the "Fast Pass". Cost an extra 20% to the admission.

THAT DAY I saw a short funny show & I went on eleven rides and wandered around exploring (w/our portable buzzer) or eating, while our number was coming up for the next ride.
What a difference.

Also check out The Getty or the beach or Santa Monica Pier-all kid friendly and uber stimulating. OR maybe Val can steer you in a SHOW"BIZ" type of dealio, though I know your little cutie potootie is just 14 months now? She's walking and picking things up and SEEING THE WORLD...so cool...

what a time in her/your life.

Don't let the other stuff, some of which is puny in terms of importance,

pollute the rest of the picture.

Do not Imagine that your life is a painting that USED to be oh so pretty but thanks to the marital problems, you see a big fat stain on it like a glass of wine tossed on the canvas...

Instead, see it as a lovely intricate tapestry with lots of weaves and textures and colors.

Sometimes you have to back off to get a better view, the more holistic and accurate view, to see the beauty of the work in progess...

((( )))

PS

So Sorry about the thesis. My respect for Ivory Tower "dweebs" may not help you but then again, maybe it will. The first time I took the bar exam was just after our first child's (son's) birth. I was a foolish Superwoman Imposter. I failed it. So when it was next offered, SIX months later, I asked h to take time off so HE could be with son b/c I didn't seem able to leave him with a sitter to study. Not motivated enough? Missed him too much and all that. In short, I was not ready.

But come summer, I HAD To pass it or law school was not going to have been worth it. I did not know how many times my head/heart could gear up for it but I also knew I had NOT done enough the first time around b/c I was too new a mom.

So H took nearly a month off (probably the only time in his career that option existed) and he & son went out ALL day and really bonded. It was really good for them. I did better than pass the bar. My national scores were high enough to waive into any state. My point is this was a setback for you, but I think you were too enmeshed in the Superwoman syndrome. Been there, done that. My "plan" back when, was to "graduate from law school in May, have a baby in June, take the bar exam in July and begin my new job in August."

I actually bought into that^^!.

The baby was not expected but I did not THINK I had to change or adapt to it except, "oh, gain weight, give birth, lose weight...and go back to life as it was".

I was wrong, and I'm so glad!

But What a difference it makes when you are focussed and not exhausted by other circumstances.


Maybe we can talk about your thesis, or babies, DB stuff or ----good COMEDY and rides. You choose and I promise to listen!

((( )))