Darn the internet connection at the hotel'm staying in....thanks for thinking of me, starsky. I'm doing well, attending a convention right now. I am having fun, presented two scientific papers, meeting up with old friends and colleagues, wining and dining important people- really, not much time to dwell on negative things.
I do believe I turned a corner. I don't know yet how I will approach it, and have not given much thought on what my boundaries are, but I know two things: I will be OK no matter what, and that I will do what is right.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
There are some incredible insights in the last few pages from everyone!
I'm not sure if this helps Angel, but H told me in MC a couple of months back that he was very turned off by the begging, pleading, the attempts to set counseling dates, or articles I would email to him. He told me he didn't realize how much he was still in love and attracted to me until I finally detached and began taking steps to move forward without him.
I think what attracted him again was my attitude toward the end when he kept threatening to go. Finally I was like, fine, go and I will be OK without you. He saw that I was a strong woman, and that he was not just my caretaker.
I'm keeping up with my changes too. I keep myself up more, I keep doing more GAL, and things that show him I can be independent.
There are some incredible insights in the last few pages from everyone!
I'm not sure if this helps Angel, but H told me in MC a couple of months back that he was very turned off by the begging, pleading, the attempts to set counseling dates, or articles I would email to him. He told me he didn't realize how much he was still in love and attracted to me until I finally detached and began taking steps to move forward without him.
I think what attracted him again was my attitude toward the end when he kept threatening to go. Finally I was like, fine, go and I will be OK without you. He saw that I was a strong woman, and that he was not just my caretaker.
I'm keeping up with my changes too. I keep myself up more, I keep doing more GAL, and things that show him I can be independent.
Yes, Angel, you WILL be fine--and believing that is really the secret to life, because it means that you no longer depend on others for you happiness, but have found it in yourself.
As for doing the right thing, that's a bit of a tricky concept. I remember the first time I came on the words "Be right or be happy" on this website, and realized that's where I'd got caught up during the first few years of his MLC. As H became angrier and pulled away from his children, responsibilities and me, I knew he was doing all the wrong stuff and tried to pull him back at first, then gave up on him for a while--but it was all done with anger, hurt, righteous indignation, and the feeling that he was the "bad guy" forcing a terrible situation on our family. I may have been "right," but I was consumed with anger and felt like a victim.
Then came the day of the bomb, when I asked myself if I still loved him, and resolved to act out of a loving place--towards him and myself. Whether he chose to stay in the M or not, I would stop behaving in any ways that didn't make me feel I was acting from my best self. I went through what I felt was "right" for me in all my relationships, forgave myself for not knowing enough to do better, and envisioned how I would behave in the future. And I became that person, knowing that all my changes were right for me.
Eventually, I got to the place where I knew I could be fine without H, where I could visualize life without him without pain or distress. But it wasn't about doing the right thing--which is difficult to gauge, because everyone has a different perspective on it--it was about finding and embracing my strength.
So perhaps what you're saying is, you will do what's right for you--and that includes honouring the boundaries you have not yet explored or articulated?
I have come around full circle.... I am once more reading the same old familiar advice from 2 yrs ago. I used all those, and they did work - in a sense, because we did not get divorced, life became tolerable because I learned to detach and work on myself.
So its not that I did not learn anything.... Yet here I am, back to looking at these all but at another level.
Still trying to figure out how I got here and what next to do. Yes, I know the principles, but what I am not sure of are my objectives. Whats the use of a methodology if there is no hypothesis, no purpose? I know what I need to do for myself, but at this point, not for the M and the family.
Perhaps for now things will be in a holding pattern. And that is what my next thread will be called, as i am guessing i am coming close to ahundred posts.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I know it's hard to see the forest thru the trees, and ALWAYS easier on the outside looking in, but . . . if it were me . . .
My purpose would be something along the lines of "To finally have the courage to hold up the kind of marriage I am willing to live the rest of my life in, and hope and pray that my husband comes along and joins me in working at that and abiding those boundaries, but if he doesn't, to be strong enough emotionally, spiritually and financially to know that I'll be okay."
Angel, it sounds like your thought process is a very good one. I am a big believer in writing out both your personal goals and relationship goals. Check yourself weekly to see what you have accomplished to work toward achieving your goals and what has set you back. And know what is important to you and the dealbreakers of a happy, healthy marriage.
Remember, it's taken me 3 tries to get it right, and I believe achieving "happily ever after" is a process you work on for a lifetime. Piecing is hard work, but oh so worth it!
