Things have been going pretty ok the past few days. H called the other night to apologize for how angry he came across during the counseling app't this week. He also told me he is writing me a letter to express himself a bit more clearly. I'm a bit anxious about what he's got to say, as I felt he said more than enough in MC...and my initial thought was "Wait, there's *more*?"
I rejoined my gym and have my first app't with a personal trainer this AM. Tomorrow I have a lunch date with a local women's group. It's been so long since I've connected with others...I feel very good about moving in this direction. I realize I've been in a state of depression for a long, long time and withdrew from many parts of my life, including my marriage. This separation may very well be the best gift my H has ever given me.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
I just got caught up on your posts and wanted to thank you for dropping by on mine. Our sitch's are similar. You are doing the right thing by going out and reconnecting with people. As painful as this has been, you will feel better about yourself in the end. I know since my H left, I have felt like I've been through the wringer but every day that passed, I feel stronger with the realization that it's not just about surviving another day but becoming a different, better, happier and more at peace person.
I appreciate you stopping by and commenting in my thread. I was drawn to your thread as I felt I could relate a lot to your sitch too.
I love that you said this:
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I feel stronger with the realization that it's not just about surviving another day but becoming a different, better, happier and more at peace person.
. Very inspiring...this one deserves to be written down!
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
H stopped over yesterday to drop off some stuff he took on a camping trip over the weekend. He was supposed to camp until today, but he decided to cut the trip short. I asked him why and he replied "I didn't feel like staying another day". He looked totally exhausted. I was getting ready to head out and I told him he could take a nap or a shower while I was gone if he felt like it. I hugged him before I left and he just seemed so...depleted. It made me feel so sad.
I'm still waiting to receive this "letter" he told me about last week. He has IC tomorrow and I think he wanted to show it to the counselor before giving it to me. I don't really know what to think about it. My next IC is Saturday. After the first session, we all decided to each do an IC before setting another joint app't with the MC.
I can't help but feel a lot of sadness and guilt when I see how much of a struggle this is for him. I'm not saying he's struggling with being separated per se, but just the fact that he has nearly an hour commute back/forth from his work each day and how he's living with a friend and his spouse, sleeping on an air mattress...his whole routine has been uprooted. Me, I'm still living in our house, with our cats, getting by day to day. I'm actually in a much better rhythm routine-wise and am finally starting to take care of myself in ways I'd neglected for years. In other words, I think the actual physical separation has been easier on me than him. And I feel guilty because of it. Is that weird? I mean, he was the one who left...why should I feel badly for him?
Ok, maybe that doesn't sound quite right. I feel badly for him because I love him and hate seeing him miserable. Granted, he was miserable here with me, but now its like there's a new level of misery or something. I truly believe he's had depression and anger issues for a long time. I'm also hoping that IC helps him recognize that and that he learns better ways of dealing.
Of course, I have my issues to work through as well. Unlike H, I hold in my anger until it seeps out in passive-aggressive ways. This has been a recurring theme in our R and I'm sure led in part, to where things have landed today.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
So many similarities in our sitch. Like your H, mine is living an hour commute each way away and he's taking the bus. He hates public transport and feeling closed in by lots of people in a bus and train yet this was entirely his decision to move that far away to one of the furthest suburbs.
The routine I'm in now works very well for me too. I guess what I've realized is H must have been very either very miserable or very desperate to conduct his A with the OW without anyone around to see. I know for certain he was very uncomfortable when he lived here and yet also very self-absorbed. He kept mentioning how much weight he's lost and how stressful this was. I just held my tongue when he talked like that when he was here--yep, I'm good at holding in my anger too--and tried not to do anything passive agressive while he was around. Just pounded a few pillows and had conversations in my head like he never even noticed I had to stop wearing my wedding ring because of all the weight I've lost.
So please don't struggle with guilt. Use your sadness productively. Use it to be sad for the man he was who is dealing with something very profound. One day you may be able to laugh together about this crinkle in your relationship and maybe one day you'll look back on all this and realize that painful as it was, it led to you having the awesome life you're having at the moment.
JG, I apologize for not being familiar with your thread. I am commenting on a couple of things I saw reading a few of your more recent posts.
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He also told me he is writing me a letter to express himself a bit more clearly. I'm a bit anxious about what he's got to say, as I felt he said more than enough in MC...and my initial thought was "Wait, there's *more*?"
Try not to be anxious. If he is expressing what he found wrong however unfair you may think it is there could be a treasure trove of insight contained there. Take what he expresses and really examine it from outside your normal perspective. Drop the normal defense we all use and try and see it from his perspective. Find the nuggets and use them to drive change.
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I can't help but feel a lot of sadness and guilt when I see how much of a struggle this is for him. I'm not saying he's struggling with being separated per se, but just the fact that he has nearly an hour commute back/forth from his work each day and how he's living with a friend and his spouse, sleeping on an air mattress...his whole routine has been uprooted. Me, I'm still living in our house, with our cats, getting by day to day. I'm actually in a much better rhythm routine-wise and am finally starting to take care of myself in ways I'd neglected for years. In other words, I think the actual physical separation has been easier on me than him. And I feel guilty because of it. Is that weird? I mean, he was the one who left...why should I feel badly for him?
Ok, maybe that doesn't sound quite right. I feel badly for him because I love him and hate seeing him miserable. Granted, he was miserable here with me, but now its like there's a new level of misery or something. I truly believe he's had depression and anger issues for a long time. I'm also hoping that IC helps him recognize that and that he learns better ways of dealing.
Over course you feel badly, but the more he struggles, the worse it gets, the easier it will be for him to see your changes, your 180s. He needs to feel the consequences of his decision. Do not point them out. Do not attempt to amplify them. Allow them to happen and do not save him from them. He needs to save himself.
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Of course, I have my issues to work through as well. Unlike H, I hold in my anger until it seeps out in passive-aggressive ways. This has been a recurring theme in our R and I'm sure led in part, to where things have landed today.
There is something to 180. How will you?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I'm a "helper" by nature and profession, so it definitely is difficult for me to witness someone's pain and not try to point things out or help save them! But, I am remaining mindful that H has his own demons to exorcise (as do I), and this is something he has to work through without my intervening. That's a 180 for me right there.
Other 180's I'm incorporating currently:
Spending time outside of the home; reaching out to others, getting out more and being with people socially. I've turned into a major homebody in recent years and H has even called me a "hermit" at times. Ironically, I used to be a social butterfly when H & I were first together and I realize disconnecting myself from others has been very unhealthy and unproductive for me.
Increasing my energy/motivation level through working out regularly and eating healthier. We both got very lazy over the years and I'm sure that my hermit stage had a lot to do with my lack of energy and decreasing sense of well-being.
Becoming more independent and self-sufficient. Taking care of household matters myself where previously I relied on H. I'm working on being proactive and refraining from asking H for help with various chores and learning to handle them myself.
Embracing ambiguity. I struggle with anxiety at times and can be very rigid with routines. I am calming down and starting to accept there are things I can't control and am striving to be more at ease with uncertainty.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Just read your sitch. I am realtively new here too, but it seems like you are handling things by taking control and being very honest with yourself.
I also like how you are appproaching this awful situation we are all in
Embracing ambiguity. I struggle with anxiety at times and can be very rigid with routines. I am calming down and starting to accept there are things I can't control and am striving to be more at ease with uncertainty.
I am very VERY similar to you in this regard. Its been one of my toughest challenges to deal with. Not letting the anxiety and unknown pull me into another depression.
Also, the passive aggressivness--i too held in a lot of resentment towrds H for many years, and in the meantime never 'saw' how unhappy he was. I never 'saw' how my reactions were affecting him.
Stay focused. I'll be here.
Bustingout
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Have you read DR yet? or thought about DB Telephone coaching? I have had two telephone session so far and I must say they have left me feeling empowered, calmed, and forward looking.
take care
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I was drawn to your thread as I felt I could relate a lot to your sitch too. 