Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and have been reading through the various topics over the past couple days. There's such loving reassurance and support in this community and I'm so glad to have found you all.
My story: H and I have been married 12 years, together for 20. No kids. I'm 40, he's 39. Our relationship has been on the rocks for several years. While we get along very well and respect one another greatly, it's been becoming apparent that we fundamentally differ in our life philosophies and goals. Honestly, we've probably always known on some level the ways we differ in our views and goals, but like so many want to believe, "love will conquer all".
I was a late bloomer in a lot of ways throughout my life. I went back to school when I was in my 30's and finally got on a true career path only a couple of years ago. I'm the type of person who identifies strongly with my work. I've never been very domestically-inclined and this has been a point of contention between H and I. I've never felt very strongly about starting a family whereas H has always wanted to have children someday. As I've gotten older and more settled in my work, I've thought less and less about having children. Although neither of us has truly initiated a serious discussion about planning for a family over the years, it was kind of like the elephant in the room. No one really said anything, but the issue was there and growing into a dealbreaker.
Add to that a growing distance between H and I...in the sense that we hardly do things together as a couple (I willingly take some blame here; my motivation for initiating couple time/activity is not super high). We spend most of our down time together, at home, but each doing their own thing. Not a healthy pattern, but its kind of where we evolved to. Also, in the past year, my 80 year old father has been progressing along with dementia and while he currently lives at home alone, I am there every night to give him his meds, make sure all is ok.
A few times over the past couple years, H has told me it feels to him that I am not into the marriage and truthfully, I can see how he'd have those feelings. Whenever he brought this up before, I'd argue and tell him he is wrong...and then go through a short period of demonstrating otherwise...attempting to be more "domestic" and "wifely". Of course, then I'd start to resent H a bit...thinking he should love me for me and not for some idealized version of what a "good wife" is supposed to be. The cycle would wax and wane.
Sometimes I would question myself (and still do), wondering if perhaps I'm just not cut out to be married. I absolutely love my H and never in a million years want to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. He is my best friend in the world, my family, my rock. But, I can see how my non-traditional approach to our marriage would cause H distress. Clearly our expectations on marital roles and expectations differ. So, its no wonder my H would have felt the way he has.
This past Monday, he told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. He said he can't live this way anymore and feels I solely made the decision for us to never have kids. He loves me and will always be there for me, but there are things in life he wants that he knows he's never going to have with me. I can't say I was completely blindsighted, but the pain of all of this is burning through me. We were able to discuss the situation (him leaving) pretty rationally and I told him that while I believe a separation is probably a good thing for us right now, I didn't want to throw away 20 years just like that. I suggested counseling and he agreed. He slept on the couch that night and on Tuesday, he moved out.
I made an appointment with a marriage counselor for us which will be this coming Tuesday. H and I have spoken and seen each other briefly just about every day since he left. While he's agreeable to the counseling, he has told me that unless the counselor can perform some magical act, he doesn't want to be married anymore. He's already looking online into options for divorce proceedings, told me the best course would likely be for us to pursue a "no contest" divorce. I told him I feel that is setting us up for failure going in. I'd like to commit to at least several months of counseling (both as a couple and also for myself) before any definitive plan to D is pursued. He seems reluctant about this.
I want to be realistic, but at the same time, I don't want to just give up on my marriage. Maybe in H's eyes, I already did give up so this is the inevitable path for us to travel. I just don't know exactly how I feel about anything anymore. I'm questioning my priorities, my identity, my ability to love, care for and nurture any relationship. Maybe I *am* selfish...maybe I suck at marriage...maybe I'm lazy. I'm feeling like a failure and above all, I absolutely hate that I hurt my husband so much. I want him to be happy because he deserves it and I guess deep down inside I feel if his happiness can't be found with me, then perhaps this is all for the best.
I'm sure I sound wishy-washy and this confusion is typical at this stage. I'm open to any words of wisdom or advice and thank you for reading through this!
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Wow, my heart goes out to you. I can feel the pain you are both in. I will tell you that in 2010 i used the divorce remedy and it was really, really hard but i fixed my marriage. My wife believed it was not possible but i proved her wrong. I believe the same can happen for you.
Let me ask you a couple of questions
1) When do you feel things became distant?
2) When was the last time you talked about your future together?
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Thanks for the kind words, hoping. I appreciate the good thoughts.
You asked when I felt things became distant between H and I...if I had to try and pinpoint, I'd say around the time I went back to school. So, about 6 years ago or so. Ironically, that was also around the same time we bought our house. It was an understandably stressful time, plus the house was a fixer-upper and we moved in with my parents for about 8 months while the house was being remodeled.
I'm ashamed to say I really can't remember the last time we talked about our future together. Weirdly, it may very well have been around the time we were making plans to move into the house? Its as though once that was accomplished, we stopped focusing on things as a couple.
This is one of the things H actually commented on during our separation discussion last week. He mentioned how he felt we never did anything as a couple or established goals together anymore. I don't disagree. I guess I'm not entirely sure why it turned out that way...its as though its easier to say "Oh, we just grew apart, in different directions, etc." On the surface, sure, that makes some sense. But I have a hard time accepting it.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
I agree, however, he tells me he's willing to give MC a shot more so for my benefit...so we can talk things over more and help each of us understand where we went wrong. More like for closure.
Some interim journaling:
Earlier tonight, he stopped over the house for a little bit and we confirmed the app't for MC for next week. He was hanging around, playing with our cats, and we were chit-chatting about work, our families, nothing too heavy. I noticed he kept a physical distance...I was sitting on the couch and he stood half-way across the room while we spoke. He ordered some take-out food from around the corner, went to pick it up and stopped back to the house to pick up mail/check-in. He said he was going to eat his take-out in the car on the way to where he's been staying (its a 45 minute + ride to his friend's house) and I told him he didn't have to eat on the road, he could just eat here. He said he'd better not, as it would then be that much later when he got home. I was hurt, but I didn't press the issue.
He seemed a little torn, but I could tell he was getting antsy. He asked me if there was "anything else"...and I said, no, just that I missed him. He said he missed me too, loves me as much as always, BUT, pointed out that he feels this is the right thing to do...and that he just can't do it (the marriage) anymore and he knows he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I asked him what he thought the point of MC was, if he's so set on ending things. He replied that he wasn't sure...thought at least MC would help me understand better, and maybe help him understand some things too. I got tearful, but I didn't say anything more. I mean, what could I possibly say in response to that anyway?
Anyway, he said he had to go and he left at that point.
So I'm feeling a little more crushed at the moment. He seems steadfast at this point and is making a big point of standing his ground. I'm trying to be realistic...I know deep down in my heart that I can't *make* him want to try. I own up to the part I played in the disintegration of our marriage. I also am an optimist at heart, so its difficult for me to close myself completely off to the possibility that things between us could be improved and our relationship can still survive.
Perhaps I'm just being unrealistic in wanting H to demonstrate that he is open in some small way too. If someone says they're done...maybe they're really done.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Goals can always been made. Growing apart is hard but you can always find each other again. They say that your friends and who you are as a person changes every 7 years. Its during this time that you need to adjust and find your commonality s and build on them.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
@kml: I have to say...your words ring true. In my head, I believe I've known this for a long time. Now I just have to get my heart to believe it too.
@hoping: H and I were talking about this the other day. How we're in a state of limbo right now and I told him that while the future is uncertain, I accept that we may not reconcile. I also said that I believed being apart right now, while difficult and initiated on his part, is the wake-up call *I* needed. For the first time in my life, I'm on my own and I have to learn to take care of myself. I've never really learned to do this and how can I possibly take care of any relationship without being able to take care of myself first? Maybe we'll find our way back to each other, and maybe we won't...but either way, we'll both be stronger and better for the lesson in this. Ambiguity is both a strangely freeing and frightening thing.
He told me he had a lot of respect for me for coming to this realization.
So, I move forward, slowly, hoping for the best.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Lately I find myself feeling more sad and emotional. The first week after H left, I was surprised at how well I held it together...probably was in some sort of state of shock/denial. This past week I've been feeling more torn up, more depressed...especially after Sunday when H came to the house to get more belongings and even a piece of furniture this time. We worked together cleaning up the house and talked a lot. But where I was previously feeling a sense of acceptance (resignation?), I am now struggling more.
We had our first counseling session this afternoon. I haven't been able to fully process it yet, but there was so much anger on H's part...I was a little taken aback. He reiterated his intent to move forward toward divorce. I think I came across as more hopeful about being able to fix things between us...yet at the same time, I don't blame him for feeling this way. He was right; we never really had a true marriage. Especially in these last few years, its been more of us going in different directions than coming together as a couple. I don't deny any of that. I admit I've not been much of a partner to him and he's given a lot more than I have. I'm not proud of this. It doesn't feel right knowing I'm this way...it doesn't make me happy or feel healthy at all. But its where we're at...where we've ended up. I guess the thought that prevails for me is, is it possible to go forward *together* anymore? Especially when he's so sure he wants a divorce. I wish I felt certain one way or the other...right now I just don't know what I want. Maybe that's a sign in and of itself.
In the counseling session, he also put out there the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". I guess I didn't see that coming. He then proceeded to list the ways I've disappointed him over the years. It made me angry...and while I can't argue that some of the things he brought up are totally true, I sat there thinking, wow, there are things that have disappointed me too, but your list seems a lot longer than mine. The counselor then asked me if I was still "in love with H" and at that point I could only say "I don't know".
Perhaps I need to get angry at him. I've been passively going along in this state of resignation for years. Actually, as I think of it, that *is* just what I have been doing...passively being angry at him and it manifested in my lack of being a partner to him. I can't say at the moment exactly what it is I've been angry at him for though. Something broke down somewhere, I'm just not sure what it was yet. I will have to reflect on this.
So we're going to see the counselor individually next week and then do another joint session the week after that. I feel so depleted right now. I know I'll find the strength somehow, but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world for a while.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Feeling a bit better today, although still quite drained emotionally and mentally. For some reason after yesterday's counseling app't, I half expected H to call me later last night. He didn't. I know he was at the house earlier today while I was at work...when I got home this evening, the garbage was put outside which he must have done. But otherwise, its been a quiet day.
I was talking to a coworker today about the whole thing. She remarked that it seemed like in my M, our roles were reversed quite a bit, as though I act more like the man and H is more like the woman. I'm not a big fan of reducing people to gender roles, but in a way, what she said was kind of comical to me, and perhaps there is a grain of truth in there somewhere.
I've been thinking a lot about the issues I have expressing anger. It seems as though this has been an ongoing theme in my life...definitely some unresolved stuff that has carried over into my relationships, and marriage. What's been most difficult I'm realizing, is my inability to effectively express my anger has a lot to do with how the M has deteriorated. Instead of addressing the things that have disappointed or angered me with H, I shut down and then behave in passive-aggressive ways.
Its one thing to be able to recognize these things and it's going to be quite another thing to actually DEAL with them and make the changes that desperately need to be made. I have to find the strength to break this life-long pattern of not dealing with problems as they arise and finally allow myself to feel and work through my anger.
On a more positive note, I'm starting to work on some GAL stuff. I've become such a homebody over the years...pulled away from friends and what not. I always used the excuse that I deal with people and their problems all day at work that I preferred spending down time alone. Not healthy or a very balanced way of living. So I've joined a few local meet-up groups and am going to attend a women's empowerment group for lunch this Sunday. I think its important I start to reach out to others, socialize more, and develop new friendships. Next on the list is rejoining my gym.
On some levels, I'm at peace with this time apart from H. I truly feel it was necessary and regardless of the direction things end up going, there's so much potential for growth here.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
I appreciate the good thoughts.