He does seem very confused I think so many of the MLcers spiral down without getting to do any of the real inner work to make them better He may just continue down this path for a while or forever I thinkt will be difficult for any mlcer to get out of the mess they have created until such a low bottom is hit and they are forced to do therapy or get help On their own, I believe it impossible
and ow just help them stay sick we know 2 sick people cant make a relationship work and they can continue to blame you or focus on you for whatever reasons you are doing well to continue to detach..wish them well in your heart if possible and let them go energetically let go,
a friend I know let go energetically of Xh and ow ..it took many years like 8plus and finally they broke up not sure if her letting them totally go in heart thought and mind influenced his decision to leave ow or not wishing you all the best peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Trusting: This OW sounds worse than many. I mean, some of them are vulnerable losers who are just weak. This one sounds as if she is out to hurt you, for whatever reason.
What did you say to your D about this comment?
Also, here is something I learned from New Guy. Give your attention and time to things that you love. Your kids. Your passions. Your family and friends. Do not give time to things and people whose energy you do not want and need.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hey Trusting, I very rarely post on DB now - much more of a 'lurker' nowadays!
My exH married his OW last June - the invites went out before the divorce was final and they were accompanied by a 3 page letter of justification as to how awful his life was living with me!! Ho hum.
The wedding reception was held in a marquee in his Father's back garden (needless to say I broke contact with the In Laws). One year on (almost) and he still has those shark eyes, I still have debt collectors coming to my door looking for him, and he still lying through his teeth at every turn.
I am in a great place, busy and being the best version of me that I can .....whilst still delaing with a NOW exH who is in MLC. The day he married was a turning point in my healing - my home was filled with joy and laughter (and singing into wooden spoons until 4pm in the kitchen. My friends, some from RL and some LBS helped me 'celebrate' and I realsied how much I was truly loved ...for being me.
I think you are doing very well indeed to navigate all of this with such dignity and grace.
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
The ow feels threatened by whatever civil communication that Trusting has had w/her xh. The ow wants to ensure her boundaries are known and her claim to fame for the xh are in plain view for Trusting to be aware of.
Trusting, you have handled your situation w/such dignity and grace. I don't know how you do it...but I'm very proud of you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone for your comments. Time does make things a little easier but the weirdness of ex's actions still stun me. Ow in my case is very threatened and mean. Ex and her get a lot of energy from bad mouthing and pushing my buttons. They definitely have a bond over how much they can hurt me. I have realized that the more I don't respond to them, the more their bond dissolves. Ex has been texting me more than ever. I believe OW is aware of this and she is fighting to keep him. Ex loves this and it feeds his narcissism.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
lalxx, Thank you for your post. I thought my ex and ow were horrible. Yours actually justified their actions by sending a letter to their wedding guests? I am sorry you had to go through that. You sound strong and wonderful.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Forward, Wow, I'm speechless.... that article fits
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
That writer [Frank Pittman] is a class act and right on the money - he also makes the point that men do not usually leave unhappy marriages. It has to be very bad for that to happen. They are more likely to leave good marriages because they think there is something better. And my own work is indicating more and more that MLCers fit a certain psychological profile, which is one of the reasons they all say and do the same sorts of things. Add in a generous dose of youthful damage - which with their particular profile they are unlikely to have dealt with, as it is not their way, and you have it.
Some people are particularly good at creating a false reality and living in it, and that is what MLcers do. That is why I believe that MLC occurs at stress points in people's lives - they want to escape from the reality that is confronting them, and live somewhere else. They cannot understand, when 'true' reality knocks them from time to time, what is going on, and they become confused [Brookie's xh] or angry [your and mine xhs] Because it isn't like the picture/soap opera that is running in ttheir head.
It is part of the same dysfunction that causes most of them to be full on attention seekers, to the point that many therapists see them as narcissistic if they get within a 100 yeards of a therapist, which most of them either avoid, or go to and pay games, because they don't want to change.
That is a keystone of a MLCer - resistance to real personal change. They will create story upon story to shore up their false reality. Right now your xh will probably say about the constant fighting with OW something like [and I am guessing here] 'All couples have their differences' rather than face the fact that this is dysfunctional continued conflict. Of a type I suspect he never had with you. He may even try and persuade anyone who will listen that it is healthy to scream and shout at each other.
For all practical purposes, in the emotional department they are nuts. They may function at their jobs etc, but they are toxic emotionally, to themselves and all who are in contact with them.
