Bea, Your analysis is spot on! They compartmentalize their lives and yes, they can function in their jobs quite well...it's the other parts of their lives that they have issues with.
Many will continue to create fantasy lives just to keep from facing reality and it's very sad that they will live out their lives this way, but they don't have the strength to address their health issues and seek professional health. Others will eventually hit bottom and seek professional help and finally realize what they've done...but, in some cases, it's too late.
Trusting, I would continue has you have been doing and limit your contact w/your xh. I know that you can't cut off communication w/him entirely because of your children, but I would go as dim as I could. You do not need this added drama in your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Some people are particularly good at creating a false reality and living in it, and ... when 'true' reality knocks them from time to time, what is going on, and they become confused [Brookie's xh] or angry [your and mine xhs] Because it isn't like the picture/soap opera that is running in their head.
Yes, so true. I will say that when I entered the R and then M with my W, I had no false beliefs or constructions about my W's known behaviours. Perhaps I "glossed over" or otherwise ignored the negative stuff, but I certainly was aware of it. And in hind sight, I can see that my W constructed some "fantasy" about her life, herself, me... during the M... and when that failed... for whatever the reason, either my resistance to continuing the "play" or other life circumstances, she went on to create a new one without me.
In that, my W was the angry MLCer rather than the confused MLCer. I think the angry MLCer goes after and focuses on what was wrong with their LBS where the confused MLCer focuses on their life in general... and how it wasn't what they want and how good their new life will be... a slight shift in focus... but strongly different behaviours regarding the LBS...
No, not ABOUT me... because there were other parts of her life that she cut out, as well... other people... and things from her past life she brought back, like the partying and youthful lifestyle...
This hasn't been a "one time" thing for my W. It does appear this has been part of how she's conducted her life. When something no longer works for her, throw it out. That is very apparent about her in the physical realm, and I believe it is a big aspect of her emotional realm, as well...
Originally Posted By: beatrice
That is a keystone of a MLCer - resistance to real personal change. They will create story upon story to shore up their false reality.
In order to bridge their old lives to their new lives, the have to create stories that do not include them as "a problem". I think this is where the PDs show up prominently. Until they are officially diagnosed with a chronic PD, they could simply be explained as them having to deal with a difficult sitch. IF they have chronic PDs, they could simply be good at hiding them in the constructions.
I know and admit that my "absence" in the M was due to many reasons including my desire to simply not be in conflict with my W which meant that I would hide in my work for a positive reason (to provide more financially to the M), while I was hiding from the conflict by working. But when push came to shove, I chose the M and family, over the work...
OTOH, my W will say that she has chosen out of the M because I was not a good H. That's paraphrased and simplified, but the point being that she would not, still will not, consider that she was an absent and controlling spouse (among other possible things)... and then actively working on THOSE changes...
So they create and focus on the stories, real or contrived, as reason to leave all the while creating the framework for their new and wonderful life which they then slip themselves into...
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Trusting, I would continue has you have been doing and limit your contact w/your xh.
I so agree. This had been so difficult for me because I easily got caught up in my W's drama. And I was still owning her issues.
While I would be interested in true co-parenting and that is the way our SA is set up, the reality is that I had to shift the effort to strictly parallel parenting. Eventually, we may be able to co-parent and I'd be open to do that.
For now, parallel parenting allows for me to maintain minimal contact with my W which helps reduce her ability to focus on what I'm doing as well as me removing my focus on what she is doing... by doing that, aside from a few bumps getting there... my W has become much, much less angry "at me"... as far as I can tell... and it sure has helped me to really, really stop thinking about what she is doing or what she might be thinking... and what "meaning" that might have... because there is NO meaning for me, in what she does or how she thinks...
Kaffe, Such a brilliant post and so reflective. Just an example of how much we grow and by pass our ML'ers emotionally. My ex was the same, if something did not fit into his reality, he disposed of it, even if it meant a sibling who did not see him in the way he wanted to be seen. When I no longer wanted to play his game, it was my turn to be discarded. He has made major attempts to discredit me because he knows I will no longer support his reality.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Just a small giggle of a moment..... My little one told me this morning that my ex was calling bimbo by my first name all weekend and things eventually were flying in the air.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, Whether he wants to admit it or not, you are definitely on his mind. I'm sure the bimbo was not too happy about that one. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kaffe, Such a brilliant post and so reflective. Just an example of how much we grow and by pass our ML'ers emotionally. My ex was the same, if something did not fit into his reality, he disposed of it, even if it meant a sibling who did not see him in the way he wanted to be seen. When I no longer wanted to play his game, it was my turn to be discarded. He has made major attempts to discredit me because he knows I will no longer support his reality.
This sounds just like my H. He has "gotten rid" of people who don't support or fit into his agenda, like me. H tells everyone that I am crazy and he is just trying to move on with his life, but no one else supports him, except his brother, who is a piece of work himself.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Just a small giggle of a moment..... My little one told me this morning that my ex was calling bimbo by my first name all weekend and things eventually were flying in the air.
TOO FUNNY! That would never happen with my STBXH, he doesn't call anyone by name. I noticed that a few months ago. And started to pay attention when OW called. He answers his smart phone that tells who is calling with a very old fashioned "Hello?" I noticed this and thought he was just being rude to me. But then realized he does it to everyone.
Oh well!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
