thanks again for your insights... I have emailed the local retrouvaille group and am awaiting a reply... hope that it's something that I can work into a discussion with my W... good luck to you... keep moving forward... have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
One of the things my wife wrote that she wanted in a partner this weekend was someone "bouncing, bubbly, and energetic." I am struggling with this a bit, as I don't feel like I'll ever be that person. Energetic, yeah...but bouncing and bubbly? Not so much. I am trying to be more lighthearted, and that is very positive, and such a reward to myself, but I don't know if I'll fit the bill otherwise.
I work from home, have watched our last three kids before they got to school age (on the last one!), clean the house, do laundry, do some yard work, make half or more of the dinners, and make the lion share of the money. Throw in the kids activities and there's not a lot of time for "bubbly." Fun, yes, but bubbly, I don't think I'll ever have that.
"I am trying to be more lighthearted, and that is very positive, and such a reward to myself, but I don't know if I'll fit the bill otherwise."
Then you might as well file the paperwork now. You can be that way. It's when you keep telling yourself that you can't that you won't be able to.
"Throw in the kids activities and there's not a lot of time for "bubbly."
You make the time. There are many, many places that teach you how to balance family with couple time.
"Fun, yes, but bubbly, I don't think I'll ever have that."
Then she won't get what she wants and you'll end up D. Besides, no one said you have to go "over the top" go with what you're comfortable with. How were you when you were first dating? Were you always tired, non-engergetic and a downer? I doubt it. You have to be that person again. The person that got lost along the way.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
How were you when you were first dating? Were you always tired, non-engergetic and a downer? I doubt it. You have to be that person again. The person that got lost along the way.
Well, I was 16 when we started dating, so a different world, but your point is well taken. I have really enjoyed the couple of times we'd gone to happy hour and I've just let the day to day crap melt away and enjoyed the moment. Maybe "bubbly" is just a couple steps away. Definitely need to continue to focus on that.
Yesterday I texted wife in the afternoon asking how her day was going. She said pretty good and would be home to take S12 to baseball game. I was working out when she got here so she just took him and left. I brought the rest of the family to the game and she wasn't there (but S12 was, so that's good). After a couple of calls, she tells me she had to go to work (which I believe, because I heard her partner in the background), but would be at the game at 7. At 8pm, we're on our way home and she calls "is the game over?" Uh, yeah...they only play 145...we've been doing baseball games for 10 years...kind of a dumb question. No sorry, no explanation, no nothing except an offer to pick up food. I told her not to worry about it, we'd grab something on the way home. She seemed to want to do it, I guess to make up for missing the game, but I didn't think it made sense since it'd get cold before we got home.
When we got home, she had showered and was on the phone with work (man she has an EA with). She didn't finish to after 10pm....2 friggin hours. This was a serious test for me...I wanted to listen in, I wanted to fuss about it, I wanted her to spend some time with me and the family. But instead, I just went to bed, shut the door and stuck my head in The Five Love Languages for 2 hours. When she came to bed, she asked me a few questions, I was short with her and continued to read. A few mins later I just turned off the light and went to sleep.
This was really tough, as I was thinking DB the whole time. At first, I thought I should try to be upbeat and positive when she finally came to bed, as that would be a serious 180, but instead, I decided I'd just be into my own thing and not be particularly friendly. I guess I thought if I was upbeat, it'd be a sort of approval for her behavior, and I wasn't willing to give it. Again, she didn't say sorry or anything....she just acted like it was fine. I don't think it is fine....missing the game was one thing, but spending all night on the phone was not cool.
I'm kinda lost because I really don't know how I should be behaving. I really just sort of started detaching, but she has asked me 5 times if I'm mad or what's wrong with me. I think it's pretty obvious, but I just say nothing, I'm fine.
On the bright side, I came to the realization that my love language is quality time. I get so frustrated by her giving her time to others and not saving any for me or the kids. Next agenda, figure out what her love language is. You'd think I'd know after 25 years of knowing her, but I'm really not sure...guess that's why we're where we are.
Well, the follow-up to yesterday just got worse. W asked me if I wanted to have a beer....well, I already had a couple, trying to do my own thing tonight. She says she'll bring our oldest to take home the vehicle. We have a beer....decent discussion, but she brings up that I was an ass last night. I tell her that I don't think I was, that I was distant, but considering she did her own thing til 10pm, that was reasonable. It starts to get overheated and I tell her, not here, not now. We get in the car to go home and she let's me have it.....
She says she's filing Monday, that she's put up with enough, that she's been unhappy, etc etc. Frankly, at this point, I just say "fine" repeatedly. I certainly don't want what she is suggesting, but I'm tired of being walked on. I think maybe she needs some space to figure out her own stuff, so I'm fine to discuss different arrangements. She is not and speeds off to spend the night somewhere else.
This [censored]...plain and simple. But, I do think it's part of the process. I don't like it one bit, but I've kinda been thinking, we'd have to split before she'd see me in a positive light. We are arguing about crap that happened 15+ years ago. I can't do anything about it! I've said I'm sorry again and again. I'm not going to do it for my whole life.
I knew we were on the brink...I just hate that I couldn't DB better than I did. I was patient, and patient, and patient, and then got pissed. I think, hey, if you're not willing to accept any responsibility, then fine, be done...but on the other hand, I think of my kids, and the damage it will do to them, and it breaks my heart. I should have been stronger.
She just text me and says she's not going to the retrovaille followup tomorrow, she's filing Monday. I knew it was coming, but man it [censored].
I text her back that it was fine. She had to find her own way. I only am really worried about the kids. Also said we should schedule some time to figure out the short term and asked her to let me know when she was ready.
I'm more broken now than I ever was...my first instinct is to be self descructive, but I have a full day tomorrow of kid activities plus retrovaille follow-up, so I'm not going to do it. I can't afford to.
Yeah, I've been a crappy husband for a lot of years, but I don't take all the blame for our situation. I'm working on me and I'm going to continue to do so for me and my kids. I hope she changes her mind, but I'm not going to self destruct if she doesn't.
Spent the day yesterday driving my daughter to an event....long drive there and back. Spent most of the time thinking of how things will be going forward. Not very positive honestly. My wife had indicated she'd like to talk when I was otw home, so I called in the afternoon. Not sure what the intent was on her part, because she just seemed to get upset and tell me why she was mad about the day before. Even when challenged on her interpreting things different than they were, she didn't seem to want to stop.
Eventually, we both admitted we were very frustrated and didn't want to stay in it the way it was. We loosely discussed a scenario where one of us would stay with the kids one week, then switch.
At first, I thought, this is where I'm at. She needs distance to figure out where she wants to go, and I would like to know what to expect, and not continually feel hurt. She seemed taken aback a little, I guess surprised that I was at this point, but not enough to be productive in the discussion. We both were upset, but agreed to finish hashing it out when I got home.
Otw home, I stopped for our retrovaille follow-up and participated alone. I was uncomfortable and even considered leaving a couple of times, but I stuck it out. By the 2nd half, my state of mind had completely changed. I saw serious errors I'd been making in the past week. I think there's a bit of conflict between the DB principles and retrovaille...I've been struggling to figure out what I should be doing. Thur I attempted to detach, but now I think I should have discussed my feelings about it. I'm going to put DB in the backseat for a time and focus on what we're doing in the followup sessions.
We're going to talk this AM and I'm going to try to get her commitment to stick to retrovaille til it's over and not make any decisions on the relationship until then.
I think there's a bit of conflict between the DB principles and retrovaille...I've been struggling to figure out what I should be doing. Thur I attempted to detach, but now I think I should have discussed my feelings about it. I'm going to put DB in the backseat for a time and focus on what we're doing in the followup sessions.
Could You let us know what some of differences you saw between the two?
M-41 W-41 D-7 M- 10yrs I still love you, but 4-25-12 Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12 Confirmed PA 6-9-12
I think there's a bit of conflict between the DB principles and retrovaille...I've been struggling to figure out what I should be doing. Thur I attempted to detach, but now I think I should have discussed my feelings about it. I'm going to put DB in the backseat for a time and focus on what we're doing in the followup sessions.
Could You let us know what some of differences you saw between the two?
Well, I'm just thinking of Thursday. I think according to what we've been working on in retrovaille, I should have talked to her about how her missing the game, staying on the phone for hours, and not apologizing made me feel (alone, unimportant, etc). You aren't supposed to actually talk about the whys or anything, just the feelings (for now anyway).
For DBing, I assumed that I should detach and not approach it. I guess I should have done a 180 and seemed upbeat, or even acted as if she didn't do anything wrong. Detaching simply made her think I was being ignorant to her and she mentioned it repeatedly until I opened up, and then it all went to hell (I guess I failed in DB and retrov when that happened).
It's really confusing for me because on one hand, my wife hasn't said "I want to work on it" (she just says "I dunno"), but she would prefer to just act like everything is fine. If I just pretended I was happy all the time, I don't think she'd ever want to talk about anything...she'd just think something was working and go about her business. That doesn't mean she'd be good to me, but she'd be content.
Now that I think about it, the best thing for me is probably for me to pretend I'm fine....at least until we get thru the retrovaille program and can work thru the issues. Right now, I'm afraid approaching it continually is just driving her further and further away. She doesn't really want to change and she doesn't really want to talk about it.
