Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
This last incident really had an impact on me. He does not get it at all. At all.....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Nope, he doesn't get it. It's going to take a whole lot of "nc" for him to get it at some point.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think it is case of MLCer 'not liking' being alone. I don't think they CAN be. If they spend time alone they start to think. OP are a distraction. I know that a few MLCers don't appear to have an OP but they generally have an addiction - fast cars, motorbikes, speed boats, spending money.
My xh dropped OW1 and was with OW2 either before it ended with OW1 or right after. And yet he told me over two years ago he needed time on his own to figure things out. I have no idea whether he is with OW2 or 3, but I do know he isn't on his own, and hasn't been for an instant since he left.
And I agree with Snodderley about NC. They still think we are there. My xh was quite annoyed when I told him just over a month ago that I would prefer that he stayed out of my life and got on with his own. He has never been one to be in touch a lot, but sporadically, just to see I am still there. This story has now changed to my not wanting contact and he always wanted to be in touch [which is simply untrue!]. So it immediately became 'my problem' that I didn't want to have contact with him. An instance, according to him of my 'all or nothing thinking'. I didn't defend myself or argue, just restated that since we were divorced, and the children were grown I preferred to not have him in my life.
I feel so much better not having to deal with his craziness. It is actually quite disturbing dealing with a crazy person who tries to gaslight us all the time.
This past month has been such a transition in my life. I have started dating a very nice man. A person who I would be a fool to let slip away. He is everything a midlifer is not. He is rational, honest, caring, loving, and lives in reality. He has spent 5 years alone after his divorce to work on himself and we have a lot in common. So far so good, but we have not seen each other more than 6-7 times due to busy schedules. He is the first man I have met since my divorce that appears to be compatible with me.
However, I still love my ex (not a secret to most) and have always held up hope. My hope has been diminishing lately and I find myself having very painful moments of reflection and letting go. I have viewed this as healthy, but it certainly is not easy.
Well, ex has been texting me everyday for the last week. Last night, he came over to the house (has not done that since Jan. 2012) to drop off some forms that he easily could have mailed. I was not home so he said he put them in the mailbox. He also has cut his visitation with my youngest daughter in half stating his job has been very demanding. I feel something is different with him, but I do not know what. I try to refrain from guessing anymore. I only respond back if totally necessary. This has seemed to increase his contact with me.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, I'm very happy that you have met someone. You are taking it nice and slow and that's great. I know that you still love your xh, but you know what he's like at the moment and who knows if he will ever be the man you fell in love w/again. There is always hope, but you are doing the right thing in taking it one day at a time.
Your xh may be sensing that you have pulled away and he's trying desperately to regain his footing in your life. He knows that once you have moved on and maybe get into a serious relationship that could move on to marriage, it will be over for him in the way of keeping you on a string.
He knows that his time is growing short because of his own situation w/ow and marriage and he's not sure what is the right path for him. Of course, this is not your problem. He has to work that out for himself. As for the papers being delivered...you are right, he could have mailed them. For some reason he feels that he needs to see and/or speak w/you. I'm sure it's all about him and wanting to be reassured that you are still there, right where he left you.
You are doing the right thing w/respect to your contact w/him. It's time for him to grow up and face the consequences of his actions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, I couldn't be more pleased that you have met someone nice. Excellent news.
I also suspect that somehow or another your xh senses this and it accounts for much of his [even crazier] behaviour, whether it is the bush telegraph, or just a realisiation that you are detached. I believe these MLCers know when we meet someone else, and our attention is no longer on them.
Trusting, I have had to take a long, hard look at my feelings towards X. But I have accepted that he is a stranger now. They have gone off and done things without us. Think how you've changed. You might not find him attractive any more. And if you do, why? What compels you to this person who treated you so badly?
I understand your feelings. On ocassion, I have a pang, and think about how things might have been. But I guess at this point I take it for what it is: a pang. Unlike you, I didn't get a heartfelt apology or any sort of indication that he has thought about me for a nanosecond. So I know that would be hard. But...maybe it's time to stop being strung along.
Give the new guy a chance. Don't miss out on a wonderful opportunity. Let X go.
I can tell you that my R w/New Guy has been warm and funny and loving. He is a good guy and I feel fortunate that I met him. It is a very different R than the one that I had with X. And one of the things I have realized is that X was pretty lacking in a lot of the areas where New Guy comes through with flying colors.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
