One more thing, you may want to either check your computer or have a tech check it to ensure that your h hasn't managed to put a key stroke program on it to monitor what you are doing. My xh told on himself to his mother by saying that he had put in "language" to be able to read the home email messages, but couldn't read them. My mil immediately contacted me so that i could go searching for the language and remove it.
Just more food for thought.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, to all of that - I changed the passwords on the bank accounts, after separating them out. Changed my email account and password, and also my posting name here, and stopped posting for over a year as I suspected that he monitored what I wrote. My xh kept a key and came by, and did all kinds of weird stuff.
He kept a card to a little used account and took money out of that - quite illegally as it was in my name, but I didn't make a fuss. just warned the a/c that security had been breached and got them to issue a new card . . .
They really are nuts. I am not remotely interested in what is going on in his life.
I know he's read my emails through the years. Just not sure if it was using the history, knowing my password or what. I trusted him to stay out of my business yet had a sneaky feeling. I finally got to the point that if he was doing it, he deserved to see and read every thing I discussed with friends and family via email. He admitted it to me during spew a year ago. " I've read countless emails with you saying horrible things about me and calling me all sorts of names. Well if you think Im an A$$hole now my dear, you haven't seen nothing yet", was what he said. 2 weeks later he was acting like my best friend. I of course addressed that issue and asked him why on earth he would read my emails and not talk to me about what he read, and why does he do that to himself, and of course that's when the subject gets changed.
He should know how to unlock my computer for he's the one that built and and programmed it. Time for a new password. I've been told I need to do a clean sweep to get rid of any keystroke program. I would have to buy 3 new windows programs, because he built me and the girls brand new computers and piggybacked the windows 7 home edition when building it instead of brand new programs.
Thank you snodderly for telling me how he could find out my tax return.
Seriously you guys, Im just tearfully sickened. I just don't understand. Why do they do these things? Why do they dump us like yesterdays garbage, yet still spy on us, and go to such extremes to do it? I just can NOT grasp the concept of why they would still want to keep such reins of control over us! Why does he want to see me ruined? Why does he act like everyting is a competition and accuse me of all these financial trickeries, when the man hid 29,000 under my nose! Its ok for him to put his wife and children on an allowance, have them do with out, while he's in the same home collecting large amounts of money, but Im the bad guy for asking for the agreed child support? Im the bad guy for getting the tax return, when he told me to take it in the first place?
I can't believe the gaslighting.
This is not midlife crisis..... this is sick and twisted narcissism.
All I want to do us run and joing the witness protection program! I really thought after the divorce was over things would be done and there would be nothing to fight about anymore.
Over the course of the last several months I feel that he's been trying to get in my good graces for a while. I have politely not taken him up on these things. Maybe that's set him off.
Be careful of putting labels on things, m'dear. It's only one facet that you're seeing.
As to why? In two words: pain. control.
Pain from what? Don't know. Control what? Likely the pain and everything else they possibly can since they have little control of anything else. Ironic I know. But you're the bad guy no matter what you do. Have you noticed that yet?
But does it help to know? I think it is unknowable really. I can guess at it as well as anyone, but if he doesn't even know, then nobody else has a chance at it.
But what I do know is that it *is*. That's what you're dealing with. Not the why.
Take the steps you need to protect yourself. Do the things you need to do regardless of his reaction. No more PTSD for you. It's not helping you be you
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Im posting thoughts because im feeling very disgusted with XH now.
I realized Im disgusted and frustrated because I still allow his gaslighting to get under my skin, though Im much more aware of what he's doing when he does it. I think my biggest problem is my ego and pride....it infuriates me that someone thinks they can do that to other people, let alone do that to me! But after a few minutes of my own stewing, I understand that this is THEM AND NOT ME. As long as Im aware of what they're doing and why, well no reason in getting worked up about it because it won't change a thing.
Im really frustrated right now because I feel that still to this day that Im put in the position of having to live my life around XH, his wants, his needs, his whims, and whatever he wants.
How do I talk to the man about our children, when he refuses to listen or communicate back to me if I even start the conversation?
I don't understand that if I man says he loves his kids so much and seems to do all he can to spoil them and entertain them when he's with them, why won't he listen to me and at least validate he's listening about the kids issues when I tell him these things?
See what happens is when the issues get DEEP Xh literally stops talking,,, literally. When I addressed the issues months ago the girls had with OW and sadness over divorce, he didn't respond at all to me, but blamed me for all the childrens issues with him! He brings up D12 bedwetting, and I explain to him what I see here in our home and what works and what doesn't. Any response? ABSOLUTELY NONE!
Maybe my expectations are too much, but when we're discussing our children I expect a little more than a one sided conversation, especially when he's the one that brought it up in the first place!
Yesterday I text him Im taking d12 to the MD for a guardisal shot and bedwetting issues. All he asked was if that shot was for allergies. When I explained what it was and that I was working towards getting a new appt for d9 for her hip issue....NOT ONE RESPONSE.
This is the dance he and I do. I do something to make him angry (this time it was me asking if he was at the house) and this is the treatment I get....until the mood strikes him different.
I see that we may be divorced, but we are still doing the same dance steps. I want to stop the dance completely. Yet we still have the kids and we have to have some sort of communication. When communication is nothing but a one sided one, I feel as if it's up to me to do everything and he's to sit there and choose to participate when he chooses.
This is how our marriage had become the last few years. I noticed and I stopped doing all the dance steps. When I stopped doing the dance steps he would jump in.
How in the hell does one stop this distance/pursuit game, and actually get into rythum with one another? Is this possible? I can't ever expect him to meet me half way on anything.
Kimmerz, When the issues involve your daughers, email or text him the information. Keep your expectations at zero and do not offer up any additional information on anything else. If he doesn't respond, don't worry, he's reading each and every message that you send him. You've done what you are suppose to do and that is to keep him informed.
I know that this frustrates the hell out of you, but in order to cut this dance short...just text him once. If he responds w/questions, answer them and then let it go. Until he comes out of mlc and his selfish "me mode", this is the way that some of them act. I hate to say this, but you are the primary parent and you are basically going it alone. There's nothing you can do to make him be more supportive or more interested in his daughters.
Drop the expectations totally. When he senses that you are going on w/your life and are not expecting him to do stuff, he'll come around and that's when you are going to have to be civil and treat his just as you would the paper man.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've seen this very thing with my H. If the children had any issues that could be remotely due to what he had done, H would shut right down. Guilt and avoidance I believe are at the core of this behavior.
Snodderly has given you very good advice. You are the primary parent with the children's best interests at heart. Keep your XH informed of the important things. Answer any questions and let it go with zero expectations.
I, too, was very resentful and angry at first that everything was dumped in my lap. Then, I started seeing it differently and it became a source of pride that I could and do handle everything as it comes.
After almost 3 years gone, H is telling me now that if I need any help concerning the children to please let him know. That's a 180 for him.
Im aware Im the primary parent here and this is my responsibility. I guess what bothers me so much is that XH seems to want to jump in and jump out of parenting. I have a hard time dealing with that because it taxes my emotions.
When D9 had her hip problem he jumped in with both feet and was completely involved. In my eyes he appeared that he was actually extending himself towards me and the girls to be of any help that he could for them, and even towards me some.
Though that was nice, I decided to keep walking forward as the primary parent and take care of everything as if the girls had absolutely no other parent, but did inform him of things that were coming up with them.
When I had to say " thanks but no thanks, I've taken care of that" on a few occasions, he completely backed off, and became aloof. Why did he do that? Does he feel inferior to me taking responsibility and seeing to their needs? Is he relieved he doesn't need to do anything?
I guess Im extra irritated lately because being the primary parent is wearing me down a bit lately too. It's not an easy job having to do all the hard stuff alone with the girls. We have so much going on here... "puberty" has exploded all over the place with my girls. There's alot of emotions, insecurities, curiosities, questions, and well...they're young women now! And that is WONDERFUL.... Im proud to be their mom and priveledged to be their teacher and role model into woman hood. I guess at the same time it brings on concerns and worries of my own that I just wish I had a partner to talk to about that's all.
Of course the first place Im going to think of out of habit and loyalty is their father, because thats the way it should be. Yet so disappointed that father just jumps in and out per his whim.
I need to look into some resources and see if there's support for single women taking on this whole role of being super parent. There really isn't much in this area. I've heard of networks in bigger cities where groups help other moms out, with babysitting, house work, errands, etc just to help mom's get a break.
Hells bells....maybe I should just start my own group!
Kimmerz, Check with the local churchs, school and libraries. Surely there is someone in your immediate area that can put you in touch with a person or group of people that help each other out. Maybe you can start a group! I like that idea!
Yes, it's taxing your emotions because you never know when he's going to fly in and want to help out, but it's when he has moments of clarity that he flies in. Most of the time they are self-absorbed and that's why the aloofness/distance. They become so wrapped up within themselves that the outside world doesn't exist. Unfortunately, spouses of mlcers have a tough job and that's living your lives as single parents because the mlcer can't help themselves, much less help their family.
I think your mlc is glad to turn the reins over to you and that's why he becomes aloof when you have said you've taken care of things. That's just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly...I appreciate your 2 cents whenever you want to toss them over!
Ok, well it's good to know that during the good times when he appears to be the old "husband and father", that he was having moments of clarity. It seems like he was having clarity for quite sometime. But I now realize what I did to make the cat turn feral, I had expectations of him and let him know that, and all those expectations were for him to be honest with me.
I guess another things that taxes my sanity is that the spew and gaslighting that comes in between his moments of clarity are just unbelievable. The venom and insanity! Yet he's got everyone thinking he's such a wonderful father, uncle, cousin, person in general. But when no one's looking...lets curse the ex wife and flip out on her and let her know it's all her fault you flipped out in the first place!
I think that's what's had me so hooked for a while is because he WILL act like all of those things, and act as if that truly is who he is. Then some how some way something rubs him the wrong way (this isnt even me) and the anger vengfullness just comes out of no where! I guess this where I still feel crazy and feel like I can't even have a normal arguement with him...which of course I can't..he's in crisis.
Any threads or links on why they spew that anyone can recommend? I think I need a little refresher course.
