Floating through the waves

[needgrace]

thanks friends.

yes, her questions blow me away. i could not imagine asking them of someone i was divorcing against their wishes.

this beats her last message to send her love to my family...

actually my sis replied with two raised middle fingers... don't think i will share that with her

i am thinking of how the me i want to be responds.. and i think i just don't respond. i already told her that i would not help... there is nothing more to say.

in the past, i would have responded to be the victim.. i am no longer that, i am powerful enough to ignore this!

[Cadet]

i think
i just don't respond.
i already told her that i would not help...
there is nothing more to say.

BINGO!

[needgrace]

Thanks, Cadet! You are always here when I need you.

[needgrace]

Journal

Some days I go on this site and I think that there is nothing I can take from it bc there is nothing going on in my situation. I am as dark as possible considering ongoing obligations..

Then I read something on someone else's thread and am struck again by how much self awareness I can gain.

I read on zig and kd's threads and was questioning my decision to be mostly dark. i so admire those of you who can present confident happy selves while being in touch with the WAS. I think there will be a time for me to confront my fears and have more contact, but my heart says not now.. and I figured out why when I read Brit's thread...

I was struck by Brit's statement about wanting her H to make a choice...not to lure him back but for him to stand on his own two feet and make a conscious choice. (Hope I understood you correctly Brit.)

I realized that my W has blamed me for her choices (even when she would come over during the separation and kiss me/say loving things, she would say later that it was from feeling guilty) and it is important for her to make her own choices now without any involvement from me.

Whether that leads back to us, I do not know, but I do know that as little contact as possible is the path for now.. it is compassionate to both me and her. it is safer, yes, for me, but it is also not (does that make sense? meaning it is letting go) it is also the only way to the R i want for myself, w/ a woman (my W or another) who can choose on her own and chooses me.

2 X 4s???

[Brit45]

You understood me completely Grace. And yes, it is about knowing who we want to be with and understanding that it may be scary but it may not be our spouse! I told my DB coach that H always takes the easy road and she said make it easy for him then. But like you I wonder is that what we want someone who chose us because we were the easy road? Like you I was blamed for choices I made when he said nothing and was willing to go along. And by not contributing to a discussion he wasn't ever to blame if things went wrong. I've learned that I can be selfish and domineering but has he learned to independent and self confident?

I love your sister already! I am glad you are saying nothing. I think if you say anything it might start an argument or validate her idea of you being whatever she's decided you were (stubborn etc) I think saying nothing is a good idea.

[Valeska19]

NG,
Good for you for seeing your worth.

I understand the internal battle of going dark being a right decision very well.

So I made sure to not do it alone.

When I went dark, I surrounded myself with very loving people. I did this because I was fearful and knew I needed help overcoming my fears.

I was fearful of letting go or that my actions would stop her from apologizing and changing her mind about cutting me out of her life.

Having a strong support system constantly reminded me that... I was worth apologizing to, or worth working out problems with.

And I was reminded that people do not control OUR actions. If my w was afraid me going dark meant I hated her.. I had no control over her thoughts.

I could not make her face her own fear or take responsibility of her own choices and behaviors.

The same rings true for you. Going dark is no easy task... but you MUST believe that it helps you grow and become the best you.

FWIW - One day you will be strong enough to handle positive interactions with your w.

I do not know when that day will be.

But for me... it was the day that I made the choice that I was going to be a fun, loving, and kind person... no matter what she thought or what she did.

No matter if I got my M back or not.

((( )))

[bustingout]

NG you are doing amazing. You continue to inspire me with your strength and perseverance to come out of this a better, stronger and a person in control, no longer a victim to other people's decisions or emotions.

I am with you NG

((( )))

[needgrace]

"Vera said 'why do you feel you have to turn everything into a story?' So I told her why: Because if I tell the story I control the version. Because if I tell the story, I can make you laugh, and I would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me. Because if I tell the story, it doesn't hurt as much. Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it."
– Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"

[labug]

I was so sorry to hear she died. I didn't know she had AML.

Great writer.

[needgrace]

Me too, Bug, The way she wrote was both funny and emotionally honest.

I have been trying to internalize her quote. yesterday, I was feeling sad and missing my W. (the letdown after my big trip, I think.)

Today, I have been listening to Pema

and also thinking of Nora and truly laughing at the absurdity of some of this...

I was thinking that we should write a Dos and Donts Guide for the WAS/MLCer.
Like:

1) Don't admit that you forgot the date of your marriage and think that your LBS will be charmed by your memory lapse.

2) Don't think that asking the date of your marriage and not providing the reason will fool the LBS into thinking that you are planning to send an anniversary present

Now this is making me laugh.