Need HOPE part III

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks. I have the book now. I'll read it. Just the idea of my ex dating turns my stomach &... It hurts so much and it's so hard to tune out.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks. I have the 5 love language book. I'll read it. It's been such a tough year - Afghanistan deployment , death of my Mom, divorce. I've heard bad things come in three.... Hopefully another set of 3 doesn't come my way. I'm holding everything together - I take care of the boys, the house, work, my military / reserves obligations, training for a marathon, going back to grad school,. but I'm so emotionally, physically and mentally drained. I have an appt in a few weeks- I asked my C about antidepressants... Maybe it'll help with the jealousy eating at my soul when I think of my x dating?
My oldest son has a birthday this week, and all four of us (boys,my x & me) are spending tomorrow at a huge amusement park and water park. I guess it's encouraging , but my problem is that I get too encouraged and perhaps assume that it's more than it really is when she spends time with me.
I've decided not to date anymore... At least for a while. The sex complicates things and Im unable emotionally to committ to anyone else since I still love my xw endlessly. What a crazy life. Thank God the kids are doing well.

[Nukem]

Use the birthday opportunity to speak her love language in 100% mode. It works. I know it's kind of manipulation but you have to apply it. I think dating is not big problem. It will help her realize your advantages.

You are real man and father. Throw away the medicines. There're homeopathic cures, try them.

Keep us informed.

[MrBond]

IMHO I don't suggest the 5LL or any other types of pursuing yet. She said she needed time to see if your changes were permanent. Just go and have fun.

Make the day the best for your kids and give them a time to remember. Afterwards, go dark. Don't contact your W and just let it go. You have to let her miss you. YOu haven't given her time to be able to do that.

[Nukem]

I've been advised by other members that you could speak her language without pursuing. If she needs quality time you should watch her in her eyes and listen carefully. If she needs physical touch you can use each opportunity to touch her gently. Act of services is very easy - just help her with everything she requests or you expect she will request.

I think that being a lonely mother while her husband was abroad have taught her to cope with life on her own and not miss him.
I might be wrong of course. I haven't read the whole story.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks for the advice.
Yesterday was a nice family day. No romance- just fun and laughter. She had fun, we all did.
The kids are going for a walk with her later today and they are asking X if I can come too... Sweet of them, they want the family to be whole again too. I didn't ask about her frequent texts and calls... So difficult, since jealousy is my big stumbling block.
I want to believe that she wants more than an amicable divorce...trying to keep Hope alive. A few weeks ago I said that she seems to have embraced the single life ( yup - shouldn't have said it)... At least she responded that dating is a nightmare. Maybe that means she is just searching for a serious long term relationship ( with someone else)
Women tell me that I could have anyone, I'm a great catch. All I really want is a chance to reconcile. I get my hopes up when she smiles, calls me, makes dinner for all of us... Then my hopes collapse when she is out with her 25 yr old friends doing God knows what....
Im educated, fairly successful, attractive,combat veteran, marathon-er, yet I feel like such a whimp for letting myself mourn and cry over my X so much.
I'll go dark
Let her call me about the kids or approach me when she comes over.

[Nukem]

Godspeed, Pers.
He knows how to bring you together.
You are a role model, she will regret.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Well, X has been hanging around the house and spending time with the kids... She made dinner for them ( which includes me by default) for the past few days. Still seems a bit aloof...not unfriendly, but not warm n fuzzy either. My sister invited the 4 of us to a cookout ... X said she'll consider it.
I'm trying not to pursue... So I guess I'll let her decide and I won't ask again.
Going dark is hard if she comes over nearly every day. Any suggestions. Finances have been tight since she moved out - for both of us.
The Boys n I would love to have her move home again ... I probably shouldn't ask her. Any ideas about how to approach this topic or should I leave the topic alone completely? She always said that before any chance of reconciling could happen, she would need to put the old R to rest ... Well, the D is final now, and she doesn't seem to be making a whole lot of moves toward reconciling, unless I'm just too involved and can't see the progress- kind of like watching grass grow.

[MrBond]

"Going dark is hard if she comes over nearly every day. Any suggestions. "

Yeah. Stop having her come over every day. You're not married any more right? Or if you insist on her coming over, start changing things around the house to how YOU want it.

"She always said that before any chance of reconciling could happen, she would need to put the old R to rest "

Then she needs to stop walking around like she's still married to you.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks Mr B. for the response.
We have joint custody / co parenting... Basically, I have the house, the kids live with me, I pay for nearly everything. She helps out with the kids , does some shopping, helps out driving the kids around.... I know, It seems like she's playing house, without the committment of marriage. I've been struggling with this-- If I push her away and put up more rules and boundaries... does that diminish our chances of reconciling if she doesnt see me? Maybe I'm just worried that she won't miss me and I just pushed her away forever?
Pros; She can see my 180s
Cons; It is emotionally difficult to see her... but its harder not seeing her.
I just want to do whatever increases my chances of having my family whole again.
Since coming home from Afganistan, I've resumed my financial services career, attended individual counciling religiously, improved my attitude / 180s - more outgoing and positive. Been a better father - although I was always a great DAD, I just have more patience now.
Her grievences were that she didn't feel validated, respected or safe when I lost my temper ( nothing physical, i would say stupid things when we argued). I've come a long way in the past 8 months. I recognize my failings...and she admits hers too.
Just tired of this emotional roller coaster