For the spouse who has Walked Away

[soleil]

I am a WAW. It's been 2 months since I moved out. Things spiralled out of hand pretty quickly for us. I always thought our relationship was fragile and it seems it crumbled so fast. I left because I got tired of my husband refusing to speak to me, being rude/mean, and making me feel like I lack something, that I'm not good enough. Not trying to play the victim here at all. I did things he didn't like and he did things I didn't like. The difference between us is that I always owned my half of the b.s. and will apologize to him. He cannot do the same. He even told me once that he will say and do things to hurt me and that my opinion doesn't mean anything to him. I told him several times that I did not like when he'd stonewall me and he continued to do it. This would last days, weeks, and the last time about 1 1/2 - 2 months. It's absolutely maddening being in your marital home with a spouse who won't speak a word to you or look at you. It broke me down so bad. Sometimes I wished he would hit me so I could just feel like he knew I existed. I know that's crazy but at least I would know that he knew I was there. I kept asking for counseling, he always refused, and finally went one time, & didn't go back. He tried talking to me twice before I left but at that point I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so exhausted with crying and feeling numb, like a ghost. A week before I left I came home to find him packing boxes and he said he was moving out. He didn't actually leave but did it to scare me. The next day I went to put my rings on and he'd taken my engagement ring and hidden it from me, saying I'd never get it back. Little games like this. A week later I moved out. He called the cops on me saying I'd stolen from him. I wasn't able to get all my things out on time. He called me and said, Darling, come get the rest of your stuff. I drove by and he'd thrown all my belongings out on the front lawn.
It's so sad because I wish still that he could call me and say he knows how he upset me and will do counseling.

[freespirit]

Hi;
I have posted here before I was a WAW; my husband has let me know that due to his recognizing finally that our marriage is failing; that it must ALL my fault and and thus I have now been labeled a WAW. I moved out a year ago and he has refused all counseling or talking about our marriage; he has told me that if I would "just do what he says" that our marriage would be wonderful. I know what submission and respect is; my husband will not submit to any other authority and has no respect for me.

I have tried EVERYTHING and even DB did not get much of his attention. I only left after YEARS of counseling, verbal and spiritual abuse by him and UNWILLINGNESS on his part to see himself and me clearly and love me as "Christ loves the church". I can neither "make this marriage" or break it all by myself>>>he has pulled down our household and I tried to keep it up for years; if "coming to my senses" means that I am a WAW...so be it.

[freespirit]

She promised to stay with me 'for better or for worse'...and she didn't. I promised to 'love, honor, and cherish' her...and I didn't. She decided that the pain of staying outweighted the pain of leaving. I wish she hadn't...but I understand that she felt like she had no other choice.
She did try, for years. I was an idiot.

It did take her leaving for me to become a better man and a better father and a better partner. It shouldn't have...but it did.

If any LB spouse would see and recognize themselves as having been LB toward their WAW; then there could be healing and hope for the marriage. I have tried it all and LB spouse contends that "he has loved me the best that he can"... then does that mean that I have to LIVE with his inability; unwillingness and pride as "love"? I can't and I won't.

[Nevergiveuphope]

Hi Bridgestone,

May I ask what interested you in DBing? I have a WAW that I am trying the last resort with some success, but she is not ready for counseling or "self-help" books/scripture I have read and attempted to share with her. She tells me she needs space so that is what I am giving. Just curious as to how you got interested in DBing. I was a workaholic until my WAW had an affair then I changed my entire job to be home more, then she told me it was too late.

[Bridgestone]

Hi NGUH,
I see you have only posted once, so I'll make this short & sweet. you can post more on my thread if you have questions.

I first came to DB because of the article While your Spouse Decides that our MC gave us from this website. I wanted to know it's origin and then once I started reading.. I wanted to know what tricks he would use to 'get me back', if he came looking here.

Yes, my XH was a work-aholic too. He continued to chose that over MC or IC.

Making short-term changes just to 'get them back' and not for the good of who you are & what you believe in as a person, does not get them back for real, as those changes are 'lies'. We (WAS) watch, we test, we re-evaluate your 'changes' in light of your (LBS) words.

We also believe none of what you say and only 1/2 of what you do.

I hope you are making the changes you need to make that are healthy for you and hopefully that will be the kinds of changes that will fit for your wife to decide to come back into a new R with you and rebuild trust & stability from which love can grow.

Peace
Bridge

[Smitty1038]

My sitch

Married for 30 years, 2 wonderful grown children unfortunately 16 years ago I betrayed my wife. We worked thru it and have had an incredibly happy and sucessful life. 4 weeks ago out of the blue, my wife said whe was going to file for divorce because of this past mistake. We had been incredibly happy together and this has devatated me. It happened so unexpectadly and suddenly and it has taken everyone by suprise. I and the kids anr heartbroken.

She has not yet informed her family of this which I think is a good thing. She is cold and distant when we do speak. We went to 2 counselling sessions and she said she will not go anymore. She was not participating she just kept saying she is done and she no longer wants to be married.

We have now been living apart for the last month and I am expecting to receive D papers any day. I do not know if she has someone else...she has gotten in great shape and been hitting the tanning booths....and looks great. I want to believe there isnt

I groveled at first but have read DR and am trying to get a life and do a no contact (except when asked a question) 180.

Is there any hope or advice?

[seeking answers]

Smitty,

I am sorry that you find yourself here.

May I suggest you either post in NC or in the MLC forum. There is a lot more traffic on those two boards.

If you could post more details such as your ages, and background it helps us get more of a feel for what's going on in your sitch.

To be honest, the suddenness of this raises red flags. How well did she plan her exit from the marital home?

I'm going to tell you that most of the time you will find there is an OP involved. I do not tell you this to hurt you, but you need to be prepared for the possibility.

Hang in there Smitty. You will receive great advice and a place where we all understand.

[KarenR]

I too am sorry you find yourself here. If you haven't talked to one of the Divorce Busting coaches, that is what I would suggest. They are fantastic in helping you come up with a plan of how to be approaching/interacting with your spouse in a way that is most likely to get through to her, and to keep you strong in the process. Take good care of yourself.

[GABI17]

my sicth!
need help
My husband and I has been separeted for about 5 monthes ago. basically i caught Him talking to a girl from facebook and He denied at first, but after a while of confronting him he admitted it.They have not meet personally yet,but they have been talking our marital problems ect.My H told me that they are just friends and "she" has trying to" convince" HIM to fix our marriage issues.My H admitted told me that he likes the girl and if" we" will be succesfully get divorce or if I HAV'NOT caught Him,He will date that girl..SO it seems he ha having emotionallY affair..but He said THEY decided to stop talking to each other now.,becuase what they have done really hurt me ( but i dont believe them)And probably he had plan the divorce me long time ago. but He said to me it was'nt an affair on Hes own discription, He said that he knew it was wrong but he just wants to find Hes feelings for me,of coarse what He had expect that wilL come out from it,..He told me that He got the answer and that He can be more happy with the other woman.. it hurts lot to hear from someone you loved for about 6 year and we have a wonderful daughter at 3..i feel betrayed,neglected and have difficulties to move on..and basically my anger will come once in awhile.. i have been praying a lot and spend time with my friends. the worst thing is,before he moved out He already chatted many girls from different countries eventhough i am at home and i can see evrything what he is doing,, he dont care at all,and after a month of chatting he travelled to africa and meet the a girl there.." now He called now it GIRLFRIEND.. the things that makes me upset is He show a picture to our daugther,and let her talk to the new gf. I dont understand what he is doing ,is this normal to person who wants to get out from their marriage? It sound stupid . We are not legally separated yet but for Him everything is over..i am so close of giving up hope that will be reconciled..i havn't started a conversation Him for a long time.. we only have conversation about our child,and recently we were kind of upset with each other because he wants to change the custody we have made before, and i think its wrong, included that our child is not going to church when She is with my H.i tried to ignore Him just to protect my self and not having a false hope.. it seems like He is really move on,and i am pretending that I am OK about Hes decission about divorce though its killing me..I have make some changes at home since He moved out and it makes Him shock and attending parties once in a while.He has been telling me to date someone know so i will be emotionally ok.and itS hurtING me! why he is doing it?and he is very angry to me and to my family! and i dont understand why?,he said its because they are started wars against Him not they are not,,They are trying to help us to figure everything out..by the way my H deleted all our common friends in facebook, and I am bloked,, we have been to counseling but its not helping because he said He alreaday made up Hes mind..and the counsilor told me,that my H its not listiging to anybody now,He just want to listen TO HIMSELF. maybe my letter is a bit confusing,, but you are all very welcome to ask question,.i really need your help how save my marriage.Like what should i do to calm Him anger down,How to show Him that i do still love him without showing Him any desperation.,aS I can see from him that He wants me to say YES to everything He wants, sometimes its not even legally right? I don't know what to do anymore an I am very tired with all the anger stuff that has bee thrown on my face.. He has been telling me a lot of very mean or not nice words ,but i tried not to response back.. sometimeS it is just too much,but and i think my husband is good person but he is just lost somewhere else through life experienced along the way,,He is the one who initiated the separation papers by the way

[strongerthanever]

I am in your shoes as well. I walked away, and thought I was done. Once he stopped crying, begging and moved on with his life, I fell back in love with him. I pushed him into his married boss' arms (i know, right?)where he has stayed the last 4 months. I understand your anguish.

Here's the thing...I'm assuming that him saying no to you made you realise how much you love him, right? And that love is greater than anything you have ever felt, right again? Keep a part of that alive, and tuck it down in your pocket where it is safe. Now walk.

Focus on yourself and getting your life together. It doesn't mean being anry or rude, or even having an affair. DO NOT use someone as an emotonial band aid. And you know what? I gurantee that 180 will work on him just like it worked on you.

And if not, then you have your pride. Follow the DB techniques, but be aware of this: if things are meant to be, they will be. There is no point in torturing yourself if in the end he's gonna leave you anyway. So you might as well love yourself and focus on moving forward. With or without him, tomorrow will come. Don't you want to feel stronger and happier tomorrow? And the next, and the next...?