If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[chatterbug]

I would set a boundary that she cannot call or text him in the house or around the children.

I would be very firm on that.


Myself. I set the boundary that if I caught her doing it in the house or around me. She would have to leave the home. As the home had suffered enough disrespect from her actions.

As it was her work phone I had no control over that. But if it was a phone I paid for. I would have cancelled the phone as well.

Yes I kept my boundary.

[Starsky309]

I would set a boundary that she cannot call or text him in the house or around the children.

I would be very firm on that.


Myself. I set the boundary that if I caught her doing it in the house or around me. She would have to leave the home. As the home had suffered enough disrespect from her actions.

As it was her work phone I had no control over that. But if it was a phone I paid for. I would have cancelled the phone as well.

Yes I kept my boundary.

I would suggest the same thing, I DID the same thing, and my wife did respect the boundary. There's no reason why you should allow her to do this right in front of you.


Starsky

[wont_stop]

She's not breaking the boundary at home now, but it's been a rough week. We got intimate the day after the trip, but she kept waiting until 1am before we did something. It turns out she was hoping I'd fall asleep, which really hurts. Then on Monday, she was up until 2pm. I tried to sleep, but heard her come up. She put stuff in a drawer and then went to wash herself. She had been sexting with the jerk. I could not contain myself, I blew it. It tried so hard to give her space, but that was just... well if freaked me out. I just cried, told her I could not take this anymore and moved to the other room. I wish I had been fully asleep, I wish I could have cooled it, but I was so upset.

She's at the phase of the affair where she apparently doesn't want me anymore. She's too loyal to the OM. I'm trying to get back to 180, and I did good yesterday and I hope I do good today. I had to contact her because our Bank account went to 0. Turns out she created her own checking account and her paychecks are going there now, so we did not have enough money to cover expenses, including her lunch date money and her nail appointment. I'm making sure she knows that she can now take care of those expenses herself. Thankfully we had enough in savings to fix the account, but I've opened my own checking now.

I'm thinking of what Starsky said about deciding if I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I thought I could handle this for the next six months, but the pain is soooo bad. I could only feel miserable yesterday and had to go to sleep early. Today is better, but I'm still unhappy. This whole separate checking thing is making me wonder if I can take this for very long. I guess I'm weak, but I kind of want to separate and see if that works better for me. It might be better to do it before the school year starts instead of waiting until December when it will be the holidays. I'm so indecisive right now and its making the 180s that much harder. I wish I had the time to recover and have more strength than I do now.

Strength and courage, what I need more than ever. Thanks for the support.

[wont_stop]

I don't mean to double post, but I'm sitting here with my kids at 10pm and my wife is not here. She was supposed to go swimming with us this afternoon, but said the traffic was too slow. This was as 5:30pm. So she doesn't get to the pool until 7:30, after we left, but enough time to leave things with her mother. So she stays to swim, and I will bet it is with him, and and share the jacuzzi. The pool closed at 9pm, so I wonder what she is doing now.

I am going to keep my temper, I am not going to lose it. I think I will have to just avoid her tonight completely. But how do I handle this, this is soooo out of control. She's completely disrespecting our children, who should have played with her at the pool. She totally oblivious. Why is she so selfish! I know why, but I need to vent. I can't believe my sweet, caring wife has turned into this selfish, uncaring person.

Thanks for letting me burn off some anger, I should be able to handle the rest. But this sure makes it hard for me to want to save this marriage. I just want to hire the lawyers and go after her right now.

[Nblost]

I'm at work and don't have a lot of time to post...but I'd encourage you to read up on affairs. My favorite books were Torn Asunder, Not Just Friends, and Tough Love for Marriages.

I've felt increasingly better as I've detached and taken a stand that I won't and don't deserve to put up with my H's affair. I've also been very happy that I filed for divorce back in March and started the clock ticking on that process. My H just moved out last weekend (almost a year into his A) and I felt a huge sense of relief.

You know what you can live with and what you are sacrificing by doing so. My realistic attitude is that while she's in the affair...she is so selfish and in her own world that I'm not sure that anything you do matters. (although I do think DB-ing for awhile is effective and may ultimately show them what they've lost). My H says I've been "fantastic" through his affiar...I don't really take that as a compliment.

I frankly wish I'd reacted harsher sooner...H was "mean" for awhile as I've pushed him off his fence...but he's actually been nicer and more respectful recently than ever before.

Just my two cents...some of the people on this board have an unbelievable patience for hanging around with a cheating spouse. I know I couldn't have done it if my H had been having an affair here locally. I also think if you read Tough Love...you'll see James Dobson's argument for how not tolerating the affair is ultimately more powerful and effective.

You deserve better.

[25yearsmlc]

Nblost

at first I was going to argue w/you b/c this is Div Busting and not Dobson's site. The approaches are different and I wish that WS would get consistent DBing advice

But WS you don't seem able to do DBing and you get angry a lot and lash out and then cry and look weak in front of your w.

So I honestly don't know what to tell you. I posted on your other thread but it's confusing to me b/c I had not seen this post of yours.

Did you really read the DB books?


And Nblost, no offense, seriously--but you're not exactly a marital success story.

What are you saying "Worked" for you?

Final note...even if our m's don't last, or reconcile, it is not "failure."

IMO, DBing is about saving yourself first, then finding that it often saves the m too.

WS, my problem is I don't see either happening in your sitch.

What are your 180s?

What type of consistent change, over time, has your w seen in you?

I mean, Div Busting only works when we work the DB program.


Why would SHE think marriage to you, now and from this day forward,

be better than before?

If leaving the house is something you think would help, so be it. But see a lawyer first.

Make sure you lose nothing in terms of custody. And can you afford two rents?

[25yearsmlc]

Nblost

didn't mean to imply that YOU failed. Just saying it's not Dobson's approach promoted here. You sound as if you took Dobson's approach and your marriage is over now.

But you seem to be saying you are more at peace, which is worth something.

Since I don't know your sitch I can't say much more than that.

But do you feel YOU have improved as a partner, or grown from all this?

Do you think if your h had returned, you could have maintained those changes OR would you not have been able to get past his affair?

Some folks cannot get past an affair and I don't fault them. I just say "own that" and end it.

To me the worst possible choice is to stay married & stay miserable.

What changes have you made in your life that helped you feel happier?


(do you have a thread around here?)

[Nblost]

No offense taken 25, in fact, you helped me tremendously early on in my sitch.

My thread is down a few, "Indecision and the Affair Continues".

I DB-ed for about four months after I found out about the affair. I also read many books about affairs so I understood my role and my H's responsibility for the A. I filed for divorce in March to protect myself--H was spending $ secretly and I have since found out I was smart to put in some legal protections around the kids. It's now a year and he's moved out of the house...tension has lifted and we are actually getting along better than we have in a long time.

That said, he's still in the A and he is looking forward to introducing our kids to OW. His issue with me was sexual and I tried to do 180s around that last fall but I couldn't compete with the A. I couldn't keep doing things with him sexually once he made some decisions around OW.

H still isn't sure what he wants. Although, he really wants to move on with OW and he has met her kids.

I think H may be coming out of his "fog" a bit and moving out is a wake-up for him. Overall though, he's just very self-centered.

I only advise reading the books because I think those books really helped me understand affairs and see the commonality in my situation to others. I don't believe in exposing (although at some point, there are people I needed to confide in).

I'm not perfect...far from it...and I am fine admitting I "failed" at my marriage. But, I feel good that I've found more happiness recently than I've felt in a long time. I'm very focused on the kids, involved in a church, have made some great new friends, etc. Marriage is a huge part of life, but it isn't everything...

Sorry for the hijack.

[Nblost]

One other comment.

I would try again but I gave my conditions in one of my postings (I think Starsky asked...)

H would need to give up the affair and his out of town job. (he's gone at least 5 days a week)

I could forgive the affair if he was willing to do those things and showed me he felt bad.

[wont_stop]

I am moving to the discussion in the newcomer's forum. I really appreciate all the help.