Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[AJM]

...and that folks is the making of a great man.

You can see the obvious when you step back from the storm.

Great Tad. I think you see now that even if you have some good days or bad, YOUR LIFE IS AWESOME. YOU ARE AWESOME. Even if things didn't turn out like you thought they would, YOU ARE OK AND A GREAT DAD. Focus on that more. There is so much more to see and do...

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thank you amigo.

I am getting there. Slowly but....surely.

As for her getting married, that is it for me. She can't and won't hurt me anymore. It is almost a relief if that makes sense.

Thank you for everything...

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm sorry about the situation, but at least now you know that she is bound and determined to plow ahead w/her new life.

Will she hurt you again? Sure she will. You still aren't detached enough to build a thicker skin. You will in time. Just take each day as it comes and if she does or says something that hurts you, feel the pain and let it go.

God has a special plan for you...you may not know what it is right now, but it will be revealed to you at some point when you least expect it.

[dl443322]

Yip - freakin - ee!,Tad.

Thataboy!

I know there will still be some bad days for you ahead. But, if you continue with the mindset you have now they will become fewer and fewer.

There isnt anything you can do about the situation. Nothing.

So, it isnt productive to continue to wallow in it, right?

You have been given the opportunity to become closer to your children. Your sons are watching you. You get to show them how to navigate through life's problems.

What wonderful gifts those are.

Be the man you want them to see, Tad.

Let her blow in the wind. Her life, her problems.

You live yours. Make it a good one for you and your sons.

[25yearsmlc]

You'll know you've gone a long way when your posts look more like the one edited, below...but kudos for trying to hear us. I hope you choose to be happy soon. Try seeing things the way this post of yours COULD be written...

Thanks Wendy and AJ.

I've had a week for the news to sink in. I am doing better. With the exception of some bad days and some really sh!tty days, I'm doing ok. Maybe it is a blessing that the wedding is still a year away. Maybe it will mean nothing to me by the time that it happens.

I've done a lot of reading here in the last few days on MLC and depression. It is so obvious what XW is going through.

why are you still "thinking" about HER and guessing at what SHE is going through?

Maybe she IS happy. That cannot bother you. It just can't.

I've also been doing some thinking.

A LOT of thinking...

I honestly don't think I could take her back if she wanted to.

I wish I believed that^^ b/c it's healthier than revising the marriage into something it isn't or maybe wasn't for some time...

I feel bad for the damage she has done to the relationships she has with our boys.

^^^ I'm sure that's true but it is just NOT YOUR PROBLEM so just get out of the way and let her work on the r's as she wishes.

When I was a kid, I used to hear the older people talk about "the change of life." I never knew what that was, but I sure do now.
[/s]

Um, make sure you don't lump this 2-3 YEAR cycle of behavior into some hormonal imbalance b/c it's NOT that simple AND b/c you'll make the rest of us peri-menopausal women upset...and you don't want that...


I had a great talk with my two youngest sons the other night. We were talking about the one good thing that came out of this mess - our relationships. We are closer now than we have ever been. I am grateful for it.

Also, I have a wonderful relationship with S19's GF. She told me that she considers me her "second daddy." I never had this before because XW didn't like her and wouldn't let her come around.

Something else: S17 said to me the other day: "you've done more living in the last 2 years than you've done your whole life." I didn't know what he meant at the time, but I think I see it now. I've been able to do some things that I couldn't do before.

Such as? Whatever it is, DO MORE OF IT!! That's a very telling comment.


I've got great kids.

I've also been thinking that it is time to do something for ME. I just don't know what yet....

Tad

Note how much of your "thinking" was not about you but about HER. She is who you have no control over or say in the life of but a lot of your time/energy still goes to her. You only get one life.

(How much of your life do you want to give to someone who chose someone else?)

Start off by NOT giving your ex w so much time and energy and space in your head and heart. Your ex w is gone. So, you want to do something FOR YOU?

Put the focus ONLY on you and your sons.

That would be doing something for you. I'm not saying it's easy b/c evidently it's not.

But it IS simple...

I think a time will come when you are SO sick & tired of feeling sick & tired and sad...that you'll snap yourself out of it.

Or not. YOU decide.

((( )))

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ, Snodderly, Brookie and 25.

You are all so very right.

25 - you sure know how to put things in perspective and are pretty darn handy with the 2x4s.

I am doing good. I'm not as bothered by things that I used to be. I do wish that I could find a nice girl that I care about and that cares about me. No rush though.....

I found this interesting: S19 and his GF were fighting last week. Guess who even got the blame for that? Yep. ME! XW sent S19's GF a text (she doesn't even like his GF) stating that the reason they were fighting is because "his father" has filled his head with all sorts of negative ideas. Not really surprised, but is there anything that isn't my fault?

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

Tad it's your fault if it rains tomorrow. Why are you STILL so surprised?

SHE wants you to be miserable.....know why? cause she is!

Hugs,
Renee

[AJM]

Just to point out the obvious: Maybe you should have taken her to the market she wanted to go to and none of this would have happened? (kidding)

Although it still "bothers" you, it bothers you less Tad. That's good. By now you know you'll get the blame for everything until you no longer do. It'll likely be long after you are no longer part of her life before that's going to stop. If it does.

But you know what? You know what to expect. You know she'll blame you for whatever she can. Ok. Is what it is. You know better and that's the important part. Just like it is with "other" people - what they think is not important but rather what you know to be true, is.

Were you perfect? Certainly not. But are you the monster that she makes you out to be? Also certainly not. Does it matter what she thinks?

Certainly not. It's her feelings and hers alone. Anyone that doesn't see that, doesn't care.

Be you. Be only you and don't let those accusations influence you ever again. They are not only false, but they will change over time with NC. You should have seen that by now and know it to be true.

This is her journey. You can't go, so let go the rest of the way. A little at a time, but get to stepping...


How's the job? How're the kids?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Sunshine and AJ.

I am not SURPRISED really. Just wonder how somebody can be so angry for so long.

SHE wants you to be miserable.....know why? cause she is!

Not sure about that one......

AJ, the job and kids are fine. There is still a lot of anger towards her from a couple of my sons.

She actually just sent me a text stating that she will be returning a lot of papers and pictures from my childhood. I am overwhelmed at how she is just totally erasing me. I did not respond. My heart sinks everytime I see that I received a message from her.

She didn't just leave me and the boys. She left her LIFE that she had and totally re-invented herself.

I just read IB's latest thread and I completely understand how she feels.

.....

Tad

[job]

Tad,
She's a very miserable person right now and she wants you to join her party. Don't respond to the email. She wants a reaction out of you and you don't want to give her one. I find it interesting that she picked the holiday week to text you about the papers and old photos. She's had them for quite some time and she's now advising you that she will be returning them...sounds like her holiday wasn't very good.

Tad, they all attempt to erase the past, but unfortunately, they may get rid of the matieral things, but the memories are etched in their brains and they do come out to play when they least expect it, i.e., a favorite song, food or place. When it is late at night, and it's quiet w/no distractions is when the memories come out in full force. She will discover that she can run, but she can't hide from those special memories as she moves along the path.

Tad, you are not alone in this. We all have watched the "erasing of the past". Yes, it is hurtful, but it is a process that they must go through to clean up their own pasts and face what was and to learn how to grow up.

Tad, keep your focus on you, your children and your new job. Don't give her any more space in your head unless she's "renting".