The boys and I had a great time at the beach this afternoon. It didn't feel like someone was missing and I was a mom going it alone. I felt continent. We packed a great picnic, took sand toys and a frisbee and really enjoyed ourselves. Of course, who should text S15 right in the middle of it just to remind him that he's available whenever he wants to do something.
Today was a reminder of all the times when I wanted to do something as a family, but my H wasn't interested. I realize now that he was likely depressed. Spending a day at the beach wasn't exciting enough for him. So now the boys and I can do whatever we want. We no longer have to feel disappointed because my H doesn't want to join us. I planned many vacations and day trips for me and the boys. My H always claimed he couldn't get away from work or didn't feel well or had other things he wanted to do instead. It's amazing how clearly I see things after three weeks of no contact.
I'm really working on streamlining my life so that I spend very little time on errands, cleaning, etc. I'm going to enjoy doing enriching things with my boys once again. I don't need my H to enjoy my life. I'm really starting to feel happy. It sure took a lot of tears and suffering to get here. I anticipate some setbacks, but know there are many more good days than bad. The bad come from the static that my H creates, not from sadness and loneliness so much.
I am so glad that I have spent the last seven months praying, reading, learning, talking, writing, reflecting, meditating. I've grown, and continue to do so. I've taken responsibility and I've started healing. This is a long, hard road, but so much better than self-medicating. My H is living proof of that. He's still back at square one, justifying his actions to anyone who will listen.
It's an important turning point, when you can decide to stop letting the situation keep you from enjoying life. I used to ask myself, "If I KNEW that I was gonna get hit by a truck in six months, is this how I'd want to be spending my energies?". Funny how all the relationship drama seemed really unimportant in that context.
It's really just hit me that my H has the need to be right, to win. In his mind, if he's right, then I'm wrong, therefore he is justified. He has put all his energy into that belief. So, he turns 50 on Tuesday and that's all he has - his belief that he's right. He has lost all that is really important, but I doubt he knows that.
It's been another day of frantic texts from my H to the boys. He's questioning why they don't want to see him and is assuming that I'm keeping them from him. He told S15 that he will spend thousands of dollars on attorneys fees if he doesn't respond. He also said, once again, that lots of parents divorce and those kids are still "friends" with their dad.
He has a screw loose. Did he really think he could literally wake up and walk out on us without there being serious damage? We were blindsided and incredibly shattered by what he did. There was absolutely no clue that something was wrong. How can he continue to blame all of this on me?
I hate what this is doing to the boys. The more he does this, the more he pushes them away. I'm a little concerned that he's going to show up here while I'm at work. The boys are already traumatized because of the way he's acting. If this was anyone else I'd get a restraining order. I have a meeting scheduled with my attorney on Wednesday.
Honestly, I feel like packing up my house and just leaving with the boys. There is no way that I could ever be with my H again after this, not that he's wanting that. I see him as an enemy and I'm starting to feel frightened.
As Snodderly would say, Golf Mom, do not drink the koolaid. Keep your composure and resist the urge to let your emotions take over. Your boys need you to stay centered.....they will not benefit from you "reacting" to your H's antics. As much as you can do so, I would shield your boys from the drama your H is trying to lure you in to. Avoid anything that fans his fire.
Thanks, AK. I'm actually really calm. I see this for what it is. My H is spiraling out of control. Maybe he's realizing that the grass isn't greener. I understand that MLC is about escaping depression and regaining control (of course, MLCers don't see this, but we LBSs do because we've done our homework). My H is frantically trying to do that. I just need to weather this storm and it's going to be a big one.
I wanted to let you know that I too made many plans w/out H and the girls and I just went by ourselves. There was always this underlying sadness or disappointment that he didn't come. And yes he always had an excuse. Too tired, busy gaming, wanted to vegetate, etc.
I too just noticed that the girls and I can do so much more without our parade being rained on.... he really was like a dark rain cloud all the time anyway!
And yes, your H is spinning out of control, and getting more angry about it by the minute. Let him retain all the attorney's he wants, and quite frankly that's just a threat anyway.
Yes hold it together. You've got a grip my dear! He doesn't!
Yes my h has the same insane rationale about being co parents and friends. He doesn't hate me he just woke up one morning and needed to leave. So without mc we should amicably part ways and don't worry the kids will understNd thAt dAd needs to be happy and fully evolved. This does not disregarded our part of the downward spiral of the m just highlights their cockemayme thinking.
Don't react to his insane behavior. Hang in there
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
At this point I'm wondering how far my H will take his threats regarding the boys. They have both asked to be left alone. My H is convinced that I'm the reason they don't want to see him. The truth is his behavior scares them. He has traumatized them first by abruptly leaving and now with his desperate contact. Before he has anymore contact with the boys I want him to receive counseling so he understands what he's done to them and what is not appropriate conversation and behavior. They want a father not a buddy to hang out with for a few hours when it's convenient. They certainly don't need to hear him continue to justify his behavior by blaming me.
All the advice I received in the beginning about hiring an attorney and protecting myself makes total sense now. Being a newbie I just couldn't fathom how threatening my H would become. He's the worst enemy I've ever had. I was so busy blaming myself, trying to make changes, etc. that I didn't want to push him further away by protecting myself legally. Huge mistake on all fronts. And the constant reminders by veterans that this has nothing to do with the LBS - underscore that 100 times. I finally get it!
golf mom, Just a word of advice, be careful how you word your text or conversation w/your h concerning counseling. Mlcers do not take kindly to us telling them that they need counseling and he could very well look at it as a road block to seeing his children and could raise a ruckus in court about it.
Also, mlcers do not look at themselves as a parent. They consider themselves "buddies" to their children. They have forgotten that they are "adults".
When you broach the subjects w/him, do it verbally, not in writing. You do not want to give him a paper trail at this time. You want to remain as calm as possible when discussing the issues w/him. I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I've been around a long time and know that some of them go postal and get very angry and vindictive if tell them what they need to do in order to see their children or anything else.
Each poster has to work through their respective situations at their own pace. From your posting, I gather you've "seen the light". Now you need to do what is necessary to protect yourself and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
