Never leave your bed. Never be ashamed at yourself for getting angry. Stop ML with her. Tell her she can sleep somewhere else in the house but that bed is off limits for now on. Tell her no more communicating with OM within the home. She can go for awalk. But not in the house. If you pay for that phone. Call up and cancel it. If she is using the computer to do these things. Block her out of the internet. If that phone buzzes when you are around. Look her in the eye and say. Do not reply to your boyfriend in this house. Be very calm. Be very direct.
If she wants to act like a teenage girl then you will treat her as one.
And with her not coming home to swim with the kids.
Next time. Wait 10 minutes. If not there with no courtesy call leave and do what you planned.
And next morning. Have her sit down infront of the children and apologize to the kids for why she stood them up. Do not make excuses for her. Do not hide her from being a bad mother.
You go to her first and you say.
You will now go to the kitchen and apologize for standing up two very disappointed children.
If she hesitates. You say
"Children. Your mother has something to say to you."
If she lies or tries to get you to cover for her.
Say.
Wife. You are the one who did not meet their commitment. You own this. You apologize.
Crap behavior should not be tolerated. Ever.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Chatterbug, I moved my stuff back to the bedroom. Surprised that she tells me I did not have to leave. I'm trying to start building my boundaries for dealing with this. It feels good to take a stand after how she has been. It doesn't seem to affect her actions, but I feel better.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Great posts. I like your style and when it comes from a female it can often carry a bigger punch. There is a time for patience and time for action. We all get confused sometimes which is which. You (CB) were very clear, direct and firm.
Vorlon
M: 50, W: 48 M: 26 yrs S:25, D:24, S:20, D:19 Hard at work on my marriage everyday! There is hope, there is life, it is the only life we have....
I'm going to start posting back here again as I cannot seem to get any posts place on the one in newcomers. It must be a very busy forum or I can only post to my original post.
Well last week was a hell week, after the trip. She was off with him all week and she kept coming home late. But I'm doing my best to let go, I have not ranted nor lost my temper, but it is not easy. I'm trying to decide if I want to put up with this crap any more, but I'm keeping it to myself. I'm doing DB with her best I can.
There was a ray of sun this week. She and her OM had an argument about some tickets he was getting for her to see a show with the kids. I was not to be invited. But, it turns out that when she told the kids, they demanded I be included, or they would not go. I had no part in this, this all happened behind my back. So she had to get his ticket back for me. She has not said it, but I think she was going to introduce the OM to the kids, and we are not even separated. I can't prove it though, she may just wanted to see if she could handle them at an event by herself.
Last night she told me not to give up on her yet. But I don't know if that will last, so I did not get too enthusiastic. We had dinner with her mother and watched a movie "Mama Mia" with the kids. Yet, in the morning I saw the sign that they will be together, she put on her high shoes and left talcom powder on the floor. He is taller than me, and she only started doing that when she started seeing him. So I guess she will get make up sex, while I work.
She works for the government, but they don't monitor her much. So they can go off for a long lunch. That is how they started. She told me about him the other night, how he had been asking her to go to his apartment for years. He was always holding a torch for her. I guess I am the one to get burned.
At least she is not skipping out on the kids as she has been last week. On Saturday she left in the morning and did not come back until 2pm. She spent the afternoon and evening with us, but went out at 10:30 to dance, and did not return until 4am. I took the kids to church on Sunday for the first time in years. I'm getting my own life now. We were out until noon, when the wife called. She reminded my of a birthday party my son was invited to. It was at a dance studio and I asked her to come along, but she declined. I did not lose my temper, I just said fine, I will take them.
After the party, she called to say we should all go to the pool. I could hear the OM in the background. We went to our town center afterwards, and she was trying to text him, while we were there, while I was not looking. I walked up to her and told her I could no longer tolerate her texting him while we were out as a family. She was upset, but she went to the bathroom, I guess to continue. Then she stayed off the phone for the rest of the evening.
I'm doing the best that I can with this, but as you can see, its really hard. At least I'm starting to get my own life, going out with friends, going to church. It does really help me feel more "normal".
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Never leave your bed. Never be ashamed at yourself for getting angry. Stop ML with her. fwiw, my DB coach said that's incredibly personal and for many couples it's how they felt connected. Don't let anyone tell you what to do there.
If you feel it's necessary to get STD tests, or if you feel used afterwards, that's YOUR choice. Don't let any of us dictate that most intimate of all acts...
Tell her she can sleep somewhere else in the house but that bed is off limits for now on. Tell her no more communicating with OM within the home. She can go for awalk. that sounds like a lot of orders to go around. Wonder how they'll "work"...and if not?
But not in the house. If you pay for that phone. Call up and cancel it. If she is using the computer to do these things. Block her out of the internet. If that phone buzzes when you are around. Look her in the eye and say. Do not reply to your boyfriend in this house. Be very calm. Be very direct. If she wants to act like a teenage girl then you will treat her as one.
sounds disciplined...and punitive...and PARENTAL...which is NOT attractive.
My DB coach was a Godsend who reminded me to "lose the parental voice" b/c it shuts down THEIR inner voice. The more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them, instead of her having the space to examine these acts and see what the heck she is doing.
Don't corner her into HAVING TO choose...b/c it will likely not go your way. That's the reason DB does NOT advise ultimatums.
and not coming from a warm welcoming home. Is he trying to keep the road home paved and smooth, or
teaching her a few lessons! B/C My DB coach said it's NOT our jobs to teach them lessons, life does that.
And with her not coming home to swim with the kids.
Next time. Wait 10 minutes. If not there with no courtesy call leave and do what you planned. And next morning. Have her sit down infront of the children and apologize to the kids for why she stood them up. Do not make excuses for her. Do not hide her from being a bad mother. SO, HE SHOULD SHAME HER INTO COMING HOME?? Using his wounded ego and pride as his excuse for being vengeful? Oh, btw, WHEN HAS THAT WORKED?
WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS?
IT'S NOT DBING....REPEAT, IT IS NOT DIV BUSTING ADVICE/
You go to her first and you say. You will now go to the kitchen and apologize for standing up two very disappointed children.
If she hesitates. You say
"Children. Your mother has something to say to you."
If she lies or tries to get you to cover for her.
Say.
Wife. You are the one who did not meet their commitment. You own this. You apologize. Crap behavior should not be tolerated. Ever.
If "crap behavior should not be tolerated ever..." Then MY h should leave me b/c I have not always treated him as well as he deserved.
I've been on occasion, a crappy wife.
God knows he was a crappy h when he was doing his MLC...and I'm so glad I learned about something called
FORGIVENESS....
I say this and one other thing..I don't recognize the above advice filled with ultimatums and dictations
as DB-Ing advice at all. Have you read the DB books and you just don't agree with them
or you have not read them? I'm curious...b/c this IS a Div Busting site.
We promote the solution based pro marriage approach those books promote.
Just my .02
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow 25 again you disregard advice about stopping ML when there is another person involved.
STD's are real. They have life long affects. This is reality. Though you chose again and again to counter this advice.
This is someone's healthy and well being your tossing out the window.
As for this is DB-ing.
DB-ing is about gaining self respect so one is strong enough to bust the divorce.
Enabling a walk away by being a door mat has nothing to do with DB'ing.
REREAD MY POST DID I SAY LEAVE.
NO
I said do not tolerate crap behavior. An enabled wife such as his will build more and more resentment with the disregard for his feelings and his families feelings. It escalates. So he either stands up now for himself and his children or he does it in three months to a year later when he has had enough.
You know this by being on this forum for 6 years.
And yes I have read the books. I understand it. I know its strengths and its weaknesses.
So instead of attacking my post.
Post how you would handle the situation.
as DB-ing advice and all that.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
After the party, she called to say we should all go to the pool. I could hear the OM in the background. We went to our town center afterwards, and she was trying to text him, while we were there, while I was not looking. I walked up to her and told her I could no longer tolerate her texting him while we were out as a family. She was upset, but she went to the bathroom, I guess to continue. Then she stayed off the phone for the rest of the evening.
There's a subtle -- but distinct -- difference between "ultimatums" and "boundaries."
"I forbid you to sleep with another man!" is an ultimatum. It's OTHER-focused, it's controlling, and will come across as such.
A BOUNDARY, on the other hand, goes like this: "Look, you're a grown woman, I'm not going to tell you what to do. What I DO think is only fair to let you know is that I will not remain in a marriage where my wife has unilaterally decided to invite a third person into it. I won't be my own wife's backup plan."
That is YOU-oriented.
There is an excellent example of this, by someone who stated it far better than I can. I'll try to find it and copy it here.
As for having unprotected sex with someone who is in an active affair, that's just foolish, dangerous and irresponsible. I don't think Chatterbug is saying anything that Won't Stop's own doctor wouldn't tell him.
