Just wanted to get some opinions about how to respond to something H revealed yesterday.
I want to be able to address the issues he raises about 'us' so that I can move forward without so much angst and opposition.
He said that the reason he gets angry with me is because he feels I don't trust him to act in my best interests.
Now before you fall off your chairs laughing, like I almost did....
He says something like "you need to do X" (e.g., buy a new car). When I raise an objection, say I don't want to do X because...., or whatever, he can't contain his anger.
It's a cycle that we run through over and over.
So he says that what makes him angry is that this is evidence that I don't trust him to do the right thing.
He maintains that his motivation is to do what's right by me and the kids. When I resist, it's like a personal attack on his motives.
Any suggestions as to how to break out of this groundhog cycle?
I think when he has a suggestion you should say that's a great idea. You need to validate. You can then ask him valid questions in a non judgmental way that might help him think twice about his proposal.
I have similar dynamic with my h. Now my go to answer is "that sounds good". I then have more choices. I can #1. Just let him go forward with his cockamaye plan cause it's not important if I am right I would rather be happy #2 I can ask him more thoughtful questions about his decision and perhaps he will see it differently #3. I can think it through more and decide it's not a great idea and said him a well thought out email saying that it might not work but maybe we could modify it by xyz...
I think your predicament is a very common dynamic. Just remember you are competing with ow who is telling him how great he is all the time - you need to validate his cockamaymy ideas and then consider other ways to address the subject in the future in a positive way
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Ohhh NLW, this reminds me of the book, Men r from Mars. Says there that when they give you advice and you listen ("oh that sounds like a good idea, or I'll take that into consideration") you get a point. If you take their advice, you get lots of points.
Everything H suggested I gave him all the reasons why he was wrong. Now I say, Oh that's a good idea, or your right! (instead of I know). And when I take his advice, I make sure he knows. HE FREAKIN' LOVES IT!!! Makes him feel like superman! cross my heart!
H-You need to buy a new car You- you're right, I do. (leave it at that)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Just an update on the consequences of drawing H in by flirting - SAFETY ALERT
If your H is a classic MLC sign displayer, be prepared for a MAJOR pull-back/ lashing out in response.
Yesterday, H was closer and friendlier to me than since BD.
Today we were back to major spew in a way that I haven't seen in quite a while.
If I had any expectations it was that the roller coaster would hurtle downwards. But just wanted to remind everyone who thought of trying flirting on for size...
Should say that he's embarrassed/anxious/annoyed with himself for scheduling an overseas 'business' trip at a time when D16 is due to go into hospital to have her wisdom teeth pulled. He 'forgot' about it.
He won't be here for his baby and she's having surgery for the first time. So unfatherlike and he feels it. Boy did he lash out.
Hey guys, Love this advice I'm getting - it really helps me through these ruts that my brain gets stuck in.
The latest thing to have me endlessly recycling ideas is the thought that my H is trying to punish me. He's trying to make me as sad and as hurt as he is so that I know how bad he feels.
So he does the very things that he knows (so well) will hurt me the most.
He told me the other day (sobbing) that I'd hurt him so much.
He thinks I don't know this, nor how MUCH he is hurt. And the only way he can show me is to make me feel it too.
I know this is mind-reading, but it explains so much of what he's doing.
More importantly for me, is the need to understand how not to do this sort of thing (i.e. hurting someone I love), unconsciously, again.
One thing that gives me pause, though, is the feeling that the more I show my confidence, happiness and GAL, the more he thinks I'm not hurting. And then, the more he wants to hurt me to show me how HE feels.
Is this just another dead-end that I'm running down - or is it a valid concern that I might be able to address somehow?
I read something on AliSuddenly's thread the other day that helped me - I keep going back to her story as it seems to fit so closely with my H's behaviour.
Her therapist (maybe even her DB coach) said that her boyfriend was really punishing himself - doing stuff that was rude, uncivil, humiliating, damaging etc - because he felt so ashamed and bad about himself.
I can see this in my H's actions too. He said the other day that he was with OW because they were both terrible people and they deserved each other.
I know he could just be saying this to me, but it seems to make sense. I feel as if he's at the bottom of a very deep dark pit and can't see any way out.
I do hope he can work things out.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to vent here for my own sanity. Thought I was almost over getting angry about stuff, but here I go again. Maybe not so much angry as plain bemused.
Please indulge me!
Yesterday, D16 had day surgery to remove 2 wisdom teeth.
H had forgotten that it was scheduled and had organised to go away on a work trip.
He called me late last night to see how she was. Turns out he sent flowers to the hospital for her. This was a 4-hour procedure walk-in/walk-out.
Of course we never saw the flowers. But even if we had... the kids and I struggle every week to pay bills and buy food etc. He has maxxed out all his credit cards, has huge unpaid debts, and there he goes blowing another $70 or so on a 'grand' gesture - and one that doesn't even come off!
This is also in the recent context of him refusing to contribute to the $600 cost of surgery when I asked him. But he was happy to throw $$ away on flowers that she never got.
Am I being too harsh? Or is he really just plain loopy? Or so guilty that he just can't cope?
Even S13 asked what was wrong with daddy sending flowers to the hospital when D16 was only in there for a few hours.
it sounds to me from what you wrote, that your h lashed out , not because you were flirting but because of the timing.
he was probably feeling terrible that he had scheduled that trip when your D was going to have her first surgery - and if my h is anything to go by - the times he gets mean or rude is when he's actually struggling the most.
it's hard to see them spending money on what WE think is the wrong thing. but that's our opinion and we want to be right to feel better. i used to get really frustrated because the money h spent on his rental, after he moved out was the money we used for s's school every month, and i haven't stopped hearing from him how little money there is and how are we going to pay for s's school. and to top it off he wants me to fill out and submit the financial aid forms so we can get reduced tuition, because it's too painful for him to deal with and acknowledge!!
the answer to me is obvious, just like it is to you - stop spending money on the wrong things!! right?
but when i stop to think that h NEEDS to be away, then it makes sense in some way
in our sitches - these kinds of things are really really hard to swallow and just let go and i had a really hard time with that.
what if you turned around and just acknowledged his effort and said that you understood the pain he felt that he couldn't be there? at the least, he would associate a positive from you - at the most it would really validate his feeling bad and trying to make amends.
when people are uncomfortable about what they have done, it's really hard for them because they feel extra vulnerable, i think. to ease his vulnerability, would have him be able to feel positive and he would associate that with you
i hope you feel better about the whole thing soon and feel more ease with it.
how's your D doing after the surgery - hope she's recovering well?
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
