I get so desperate about my financial situation, sometimes I lose perspective a bit.
Even so, today was hard.
After ringing last night to say he was making a special effort to come home in time to play in his football game at noon today, H did not come to see D16 after her surgery at all. Nor did he even ring her.
The kids were pretty much shattered, as they knew he was coming home.
Made me feel really sad too.
How can he just cut them off like this?
I'm back to feeling like I'm in some sort of waking nightmare. This can't be happening. It makes no sense that he wouldn't want to see his kids.
Remember that when they're in this sitch they ignore wife, kids, their pets.
As my H started coming out of his depression he spent time doing things with S4 that S4 liked. Not like before where he would drop him off at his mom's place. He now enjoys his kids. He also started taking care of the dog. He loved his dog, sometimes I wondered if he loved him mr than the kids. Now he will feed him and clean up after him and I don't even ask!
It's all the bad stuff this sitch does to the WAS.
On a more positive note, my H does things he never would have done before with S4. AND he is always cleaning up after the dog's mess. He used to let it sit there for DAYS before cleaning it up.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
could you see it in another way, maybe/ it's not that he doesn't want to see his kids, it's that he's in a place in his mind where he simply can't. he's just not able.
the same way we lbs's are just not able to switch off overnight and detach because that's the best thing for us
seeing it that way when my h was doing the same really helped me to empathize with where he was at and what he was doing.
as parents - its' agonizing for us to see the kids take things really hard - and i really feel for you. i had to detach a bit from my s, so that i could handle it. i just stay available for him, and let him know that we both love him, but i try now not to take on his pain - and we both seem better off for that
oddly enough when i stopped expecting h to be a better dad in my own mind and just accepted where he was at - he started being a better dad to s and the last 2 or 3 months i've watched him doing stuff with s that he wouldn't do before. also s seems like he is much more connected to h
the only peace comes from letting go - i feel where you're at, as i struggle a bit with it myself tonight
(((( ))))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I experience this as well. My H has now been going months without seeing the kids, and weeks without calling. It breaks my heart in two to say the least. This is a man that was considered ' the best dad' by our friends because he was so involved and supporting, etc.
I read on one of the MLC threads that withdrawal from kids, especially of they were once really involved, is to be expected ( if I understood correctly), but it does seem as zig has said that this is part of the sitch. They just can't deal now. They cant even see what they are doing.
I just try and be 'more' present as I have now accepted am basically a single parent right now.h seems more like the fun uncle that comes by rather than a parent. I know that sounds horrible but it's another part of this sitch thats a reality that we have to face.
How Is your daughter doing?.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Vero, Zig, Busting, Thanks guys, this helped me to cope today.
I took the kids to watch a football game and later we walked the dogs for a long time. Really trying to fill the obvious gap.
It's good to hear from you all that ignoring kids is just standard, even when the H was a 'model' dad before.
And Zig, your words have helped me switch back from resentment and expectation to compassion and unconditionality.
It's much more likely that he's somehow 'disabled' and can't cope with being in contact with them than that he's somehow just decided to forget all about them.
I can't imagine how much this much be hurting him.
My D16 is doing great following removal of her 2 lower wisdom teeth. She is an absolute stoic - no pain killers. Very swollen and can't eat much but otherwise OK.
She's the same with emotional pain as she is with physical. No recognition that anything is happening out of the ordinary at all. Bit of a worry actually.
It's much more likely that he's somehow 'disabled' and can't cope with being in contact with them than that he's somehow just decided to forget all about them.
I can't imagine how much this much be hurting him.
NLW - keep yourself here in your mind, when you feel the resentment build up about things in your sitch, it helped me out a lot.
a couple of months ago, i said to my IC - "how can you be angry with someone who is down, someone who is in a crisis? someone who is seriously in an emotional shut down?"
she just about started crying. and it makes me want to cry when i think that myself - because in spite of that thought it is STILL so damn hard
you'll work yourself through this - i remember complaining to mil a couple of months ago about how worried i was about s. she told me that she was the same during their split and finally her IC told her - that she had to detach from what the kids were feeling, and be "slightly neglectful"
stoic daughter, huh?
maybe we should compare notes - i've got the grand stoics of all - son and husband!! don't know which one is more stoic than the other!!
finally learned after all these years - if they choose to be stoic - the best thing for me is to let them be. the worst thing for them is if i ask - anything.
wish i'd understood that earlier (grin)
btw - don't see it as a gap - start to see it just as life. the less we focus on the lack of it, the less we'll feel it's absence.
take care and hope you all have some fun today
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Another thing is, do you want your kids around this H? The withdrawn H, the depressed H? You're the rock. Your kids are sooo fortunate that one parent is emotionally stable
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
After today i don't think I do want my kids around him.
And sorry Zig, but I just got a big dose of face-to-face that made it hard for me to feel compassion for H.
I don't know, I just seem to get myself to the point where I forgive him and feel compassion for his hurt and turmoil, AND THEN I ACTUALLY ENCOUNTER HIM AGAIN & HE IS AN ASSH-LE and I feel like I'm going INSANE.
Today was last day of school holidays so I took kids to city to buy school shoes. On the way home felt sorry for them and offered to stop off at our local cafe for our traditional 'milkshake lunch' that marks the end of holidays.
When we walked into the cafe, who should be sitting there eating lunch but H - talking to another dad from S13's school. We went up and said hello and the other dad chatted animatedly to me about our kids (he obviously didn't know about H and me).
It was awkward, and I just asked if they minded if we sat at the table next to them. I didn't really have a choice as it would have looked so strange to sit away from H.
Anyway, H pretty much ignored me and the kids - even though he had not seen them for a week and a half. He made no inquiry about D16's teeth/surgery, even though her face is still swollen like a balloon.
As it turned out, I didn't have enough money to buy the kids a milkshake, so just got them a bun each. They were complaining a bit as we sat down, so I turned to h and asked if he could give them some money for a milkshake. He got very agitated and angry, pulled a face, and said he had left his wallet in the car and didn't have any money. It was embarrassing in front of the other dad.
I just quickly said "That's ok, no worries" and went back to reading my paper. We left soon after, as it was just too weird to sit there next to him and be ignored.
As we were going, H said to D16 that he'd come over to take the dogs to the dog park later if she wanted. She said Yes, and off we went.
On the way out, the kids saw the car that H sometimes uses to pick them up in when I am not there. It is OW's most expensive Merc convertible. Made me want to puke.
On the funny side - it's just like him to sponge off a woman, even in this - he has the MLC, but she provides the convertible!!
Oh, and no, H did not show up later to take the kids to the dog park. Neither did he call or text.
Mother Teresa compassion required, but is it really worth it?
I'm feeling that this guy is just so far gone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to run into him at our local cafe or supermarket - both of which I know he still frequents.
As he's moved in with OW, literally a block or two away from our family home, this seems to be my lot now. And, of course, all of our neighbourhood friends and local school parents can see him there too - it's called the local 'village' for a reason!
This is a city of almost 1 million people and he has to decide to live on our doorstep, showing off his new relationship in the places the kids and I visit all the time.
I don't think I can cope with this.
What can I do - aside from becoming a hermit? And how long before the kids and I run into H and OW and have to share a table at the cafe or the aisles at the local supermarket?
There are a couple of things that you need to remember and the main one is that you can't manage, control, create (whatever you want to call it) your H's relationship with his children.
Additionally, you are not responsible for it.
All you can do is be there for them, try to help them deal with their emotions regarding it, and NOT damage it any further than he is doing.
That means not saying negative things about him, what he is doing, etc...to them.
Validate their feelings about it, hold them if they cry, and try to remind them that their father loves them, that sometimes adults go through things and they have to learn how to deal with those things in their own ways...
It can be heartbreaking, I know. I still get teary everytime I think about a conversation I had with my S about his father. He just couldn't understand why his father would run off with his friends when his son was begging him to spend time together. And then he said to me (at almost 15) "someday he will figure out what he is throwing away".
Let me tell you, because I know people think I have it all together and am a bit hard at times, I wanted to KILL my X at that moment. I wanted to rip his head off and shove it so far up his rump that it would come back out of his neck so I could do it again.
That would have served nothing except maybe abating my anger a bit.
Several years have gone by, my S is going to be 18 next month. He and his father are rebuilding their relationship and from what I see and hear, it's pretty good.
You are not going insane. You are just letting your emotions get the best of you.
You don't need to share a table with him and you can always go down other aisles at the grocery store.
I know it sounds simple. I run the risk of running into BF's ex everywhere I go. I have no desire to play nicey nice with her (which is how we communicate when necessary), and I will purposly go the other way if the option presents itself.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
And NLW, your sitch has some important differences from zig's. Don't beat yourself up about not always having compassion for those who hurt us. It's a daily challenge.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
