Well, DBing for the 3rd time. It's just not worth it.
I could write a book myself on dealing with all this.
Long story, short synopsis:
Wife left June 3, said she didn't want to go, but was going to try it, that something was not right with her and us. Daughter cried and pleaded for her to come home, breaks my heart for her. Adult son tried as well. Neither talks to me much about the sit. She left almost all her stuff here. We have done plenty of things together since she left, quite a bit of it initiated by her. We had vacation planned at end of June, she said she wanted to go. We had very good family time, it is a time-share that we have been enjoying for 20 years. She said it might help her to get straightened out. Came home, she went back to her place. I had to be out of town for a few days, she stayed here at home with kids, said it felt great. Stayed one night with me here when I got back, then gone again.
She is having an affair with OM. I have caught her and confronted. I ended up telling her she has two weeks to end it and make a damn decision. The funny thing about this is that no one in our family or inner circle of friends knows that she has moved out. She doesn't want anyone to know. She won't tell her mother, and just keeps on talking and visiting her as if nothing is different. It has about killed me and my daughter.
I'm ready for it to be over. If she doesn't come home, I will have to sell the house(my elderly mother lives next door) but I can't afford to live here in huge house with just one income. Also, it is not home to me anymore, plus way too big and too much property to take care of.
I've had it. Daughter is in the most critical stage of development as a person at 12 years of age.
It's just a nightmare.
She says she loves me but has caused too much hurt.
She said yesterday, "Why won't God tell me to go home?" I told her because she was listening to the devil.
My confronting her and giving her two weeks probably blew it, but I can't take it anymore.
Feel free to comment. Don't see that the situation could get any worse.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
I am so sorry to read this and can feel the fatigue and frustration you must be feeling. You have been a trooper but there is such a thing as a strategic retreat. Maybe the 3rd time is the charm my friend as you have paid your dues. It may be time to do what is right for you and your daughter. Your wife is confused yes but she is an adult. Adults take responsiblity for thier actions. From what I read here, she has no consequenses to her actions. So she is not taking any responsibility. I don't give a Rats A!@# if she is confused or suffering. If she actually is capable of those feelings at this time then good. She can reap what she has sown.
I admire your character in that you have done this multiple times and for so long. You are a good man and father. But only you decide when enough is enough. You decide when the suffereing is over and your decsion is the right one for you.
Think on this for awhile. Its not new but maybe its relevent. Why are you depriving yourself and your future partner your company any longer? You only have so many years on this earth. Why are you wasting them on someone who can not ...no strike that will not be a full partner with you and your daughter. A man protects and defends but you can only do that for those that will accept it. I will garuntee you there is a really good women waiting for you to enter her life fully and with a clear conscious. You will not only make her the happiest women in the world but you will bring light and laughter to you and your daughter.
Only you can stop the pain. Only you can bring happiness to your life. You can do it and you can handle it.
Good Luck,
M: 50, W: 48 M: 26 yrs S:25, D:24, S:20, D:19 Hard at work on my marriage everyday! There is hope, there is life, it is the only life we have....
Thanks Vorlon. I seriously think my wife is mentally ill. Nobody in their right mind does things like this, or thinks like this.
Thats why I said oxytocin is a serious drug. As much as Heroin or Crack. They would lie, cheat, steal, put themself in harms way, hurt people they care about for the "love of their life".
It's hard for them to get off of it. Most people's ride off of oxytocin is over after the LBS decides enough is enough and divorces. Then there is no 3rd leg to hold everything up.
How are you going to convince her that the "love of her life" is not the "love of her life"?
3rd time is a charm. You did your work, you made your effort. You are still alive, breathing, hopefully you have all of your mental function. You have greater awareness, and going into any new serious relationship you will let them know that "I can't tell you what to do. I don't want to control you if I could. But, I learned that I simply cannot tolerate an affair. If you have an affair or intimacy with anyoone else, that tells me our relationship is over."
The light at the end of the tunnel for these situations, is a good situation with someone else who appreciates you. Perhaps this person has had an affair done on them or did it to others, and know to the bottom of their heart it is something they would never ever want to do to anyone.
There's alot of positives coming out of a situation where someone doesn't want to be with you. I'm glad you sound good, and keep us all in mind and I'd like to hear positive feedback in the future as you look forward.
Mine is a somewhat old song and dance of the married man. Nothing to dramatic but all the same issues. My marriage was in real trouble about 5 years ago. Nothing like many here have had to deal with but a significant challenge nontheless. I believ my wife is BPD but not overly sever. Well at least today:-)
I worked on me first. Lot's of reading and studying. [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed] . A big point in my life was when I decided I would be fine without her if it came to that and that I am not soley responsible for her happines. Told my wife that I was not her jailer and if she wanted to leave she knew where the door was. It helped and we had some good years. My wife is struggling with death of a parent, a multistate move and losing 2 of our adult children because of the move. She doesn't work outside the home so loniness is hitting her very hard. So just a few stressors.
Now she doesn't go out and do stupid stuff but isn't happy either. We ML regularly and we work out together and spend a great deal of time together. I keep a positive attitude and do my best not to take on her missery. Her happiness will be determined by how she decides to handle her issues. I am here for her and supportive of what she needs to do but if she were to go off the rails like yours the door would shut, I would file and NEXT.
Just a week ago, she mentioned getting away from each other for a while because she said she wasn't feeling connected to me. I asked her where she planned to go because I was not going anywhere and she had just gotten back from a visit with a friend in another state and didn't enjoy it much. She looked a bit shocked and didn't bring it up again. Currently we work on the marriage every day. Its a choice we must both make each day. I am fortunate she does but in effort. But I read here and other places and fine tune my actions and reactiosn. It helps me see how others deal with things. I employ tactics learned here in my marriage. I try and share my perspectiev on things when I can. Hope this helps.
Last edited by dbmod; 09/09/1201:36 PM.
M: 50, W: 48 M: 26 yrs S:25, D:24, S:20, D:19 Hard at work on my marriage everyday! There is hope, there is life, it is the only life we have....
