As of right now, we are not having sex. Unfortunately, this whole affair has made it very hard for me to perform :-<. Its pushing her to the OM, but I don't know what to do about it. I've never had this happen before, ever. She is off with him all the time now, that I feel I'm just the baby sitter. And in Virginia, if you have sex with your partner, it is considered forgiveness, and the whole affair is forgiven, up to that date. So that weighs on my mind as well.
On top of this, because of her work schedule, she has the afternoon free while I have to work until 6pm. They get together every afternoon since they have the same work schedule. I don't know if I can ever compete with that, unless I could work at the same place. It will always be her temptation to be with him while I'm working. And she has made it clear she will not leave that job, as it has a lot of security. She practically cannot get fired.
With these problems in play, I don't know if I can be the better man.
Be the better man for yourself.
Improve yourself.
Do not compete.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
As of right now, we are not having sex. Unfortunately, this whole affair has made it very hard for me to perform :-<. Its pushing her to the OM, but I don't know what to do about it. I've never had this happen before, ever. She is off with him all the time now, that I feel I'm just the baby sitter. And in Virginia, if you have sex with your partner, it is considered forgiveness, and the whole affair is forgiven, up to that date. So that weighs on my mind as well.
On top of this, because of her work schedule, she has the afternoon free while I have to work until 6pm. They get together every afternoon since they have the same work schedule. I don't know if I can ever compete with that, unless I could work at the same place. It will always be her temptation to be with him while I'm working. And she has made it clear she will not leave that job, as it has a lot of security. She practically cannot get fired.
With these problems in play, I don't know if I can be the better man.
Sir,
Being cheated on and having your wife/gf withdraw from you and treat you poorly will result in ED and inability to perform in alot of cases. You are not alone. Your sex drive and testosterone levels can also be severly lowered if the act continues.
It's all mental.
I have some suggestions for you that you should consider in a case like this and are just good over all things to do for a male anyway.
1. Stress. It's not your friend. Reduce/Remove sources of stress or adjust your psychology so it does not cause stress in the body. 2. Zinc - zinc helps with the male testosterone levels. Supplement your diet with zinc 3. Fish Oil supplementation - being cheated on will diminish your self-esteem and cause you to be depressed. Fish oil has omega 3 fatty acids which help. 4. Excercise - excercise will allow you to unload stress and also raise circulation and endorpin levels in the blood 5. Adequate rest. It depends on the individual. Make sure you are getting adequate rest for recovery and adequate rest keeps stress down. 6. Diet - well balanced diet, low of processed foods, adequate protein, enough green vegatables ( spinach is great )
You are not in competition with the OM. Stop any thoughts like this. Your wife is on a drug right now, and you may not get her back. That drug is called Ego, bliss and oxytocin. She will lie, cheat, steal, hurt those she loves even put her life at risk to maintain this drug. OM is now the "love of her life". You are a barrier in the way, a restriction, you slow her down. She is going to remove all concern for you as she removes care and gives it to the OM. She may very well attack you and put you and your well being in harms way.
On the sex part. I'm not sure if I would lay down with her unless she was tested and the affair has been broken sufficiently enough.
If you don't "use it you lose it", so while I can't say that you should do a counter affair yourself for self preservation ( never revenge ) you have to find a way to keep your esteem completely intact.
Again, looking at the wife as a little girl disobeying her parents may be the correct mentality.
Be arrogant enough to know you are a man worthy of a good relationship. Be arrogant enough to know that you know how to treat a lady and there is nothing you did wrong. Be arrogant enough to know that even if you have to leave your wife, you WILL find something much better. It's not in a comparison checklist but rather an average relationship is better than a bad one by a ton, a good relationship will make you wonder "what the hell was I thinking", hanging onto something that don't want you.
And in Virginia, if you have sex with your partner, it is considered forgiveness, and the whole affair is forgiven, up to that date.
This is true in many (most?) jurisdictions. It's considered forgiveness, and tacit approval of an open marriage, and nullifies any infidelity charges as grounds in "fault" states.
WS - so sorry you're going through this. Our stories have some similarities. Only one thought. It's hard to manage the situation and grow without some emotional separation. When we keep getting drawn back in, with the ups and downs, hopes and disappointments, it's hard to work on ourselves. All I can suggest is get some emotional space where you can - if it's GAL, fine. If it's leaving the house early or volunteering to coach sports for your kids, or church, hobbies, whatever. The thing about boundaries gives you some of this space - like a buffer so you don't have to react to every dumb thing she does.
Actually, it makes sense if you think about it. If someone had a cuckhold or "hot wife" (open) relationship -- mutually consenting -- you wouldn't want your spouse later coming back at you with a civil suit for adultery.
DaddyLongShanks, Thanks for your kind words. They really help me feel better about myself. I guess I keep falling into that mentality of competing with the OM. I keep wanting to convince my wife that we can work things out, but that is just the wrong action to take. I've got to keep on working on myself and let her go. I've been successful early this week, but it has been tougher this week, especially when she gave me some hope on Wednesday that we could work it out, but then dashed my hopes the next day. Turns out they have a fight, and she showed that I really am the backup, all kind when fighting and cold when it was over. I was cautious about her suddenly being sweet to me, and I was right to do so, but it still hurts.
Anyway, I will definitely try the vitamins. I am working out every day and trying to watch my health. I've lost a lot of weight, over 20 pounds, since D-Day.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
DaddyLongShanks, Thanks for your kind words. They really help me feel better about myself. I guess I keep falling into that mentality of competing with the OM. I keep wanting to convince my wife that we can work things out, but that is just the wrong action to take. I've got to keep on working on myself and let her go. I've been successful early this week, but it has been tougher this week, especially when she gave me some hope on Wednesday that we could work it out, but then dashed my hopes the next day. Turns out they have a fight, and she showed that I really am the backup, all kind when fighting and cold when it was over. I was cautious about her suddenly being sweet to me, and I was right to do so, but it still hurts.
Anyway, I will definitely try the vitamins. I am working out every day and trying to watch my health. I've lost a lot of weight, over 20 pounds, since D-Day.
You should feel better about yourself. It's not your problem. I'd remove all support for her and tell her to take her ass on, mean it. Go do your 180 and GAL like your life depends on it.
