Musing from AmyC

[braveheart]

Thank you Cadet,

I read threads where people ask why is my significant other doing this?, I cant believe it! Why? Who would do such a thing.

Well, I believe MLC is real. Of course people can dispute that I had one. The only real criteria is I know I did and I came through it. I think AmyC would probably say the same thing.

If you are asking the questions above. Reread AmyC again and again and again. In MLC you are so wacked out. She did not listen to her sister. Nobody could tell her any different. I was the same way. The ironic part is my STBXW is the same as AmyC has described.

I know bravehart was smacked on the fingers by J3B for taking away hope. I respect J3B immensely. He has been a blessing to this board. A full blown MLC is difficult to come back from. I think the reason you don't hear from more people coming through it is they don't. What I mean by that is what AmyC indicated in here posts. She knew, she learned the lessons and she made amends. She is what I would call a complete healthy, balanced individual who has walked through psychological h!ll, learned the lesson and been able to come back and articulate it clearly. Truly a monumental task in my book.

I would not want a relationship with someone stuck in the tunnel. If they don't make it through the chances of a mature, adult relationship are minimal.

Just to set the record straight and give J3B some credit as well. I have hope that someday my STBXW comes through the fog. One reason is our kids. Another is that we had a good marriage. Just as AMY C said we hold the truth of how it really was within ourselves the LBS.

Will it happen? Im laughing out loud right now. I have no idea! What I learned through all of this.

You have today, make the most of it.
Be thankful for what you have.
Be thankful you are a LBS, not an MLCer. Mine was H@ll and AmyC was too based on what she wrote.

What brings you out of MLC? I think everyones answer is different. Mine was I emptied my bag of stuffed emotions and was able to truly forgive others and myself for being human.

This website was a blessing for me in some very difficult times. It has helped me become a stronger person.

Thanks to all who post.

Spirit

I agree with what you are saying. I don't try to be negative just to be mean to people. I truly do not believe that many of them come out of an MLC. I think its very rare. It takes a very strong person to stand up and admit the hurtful things they have done to people. Its much easier to live the lie and take the low road. Any attempt to re-unite with a former spouse would be an admission of wrong doing. Its not human nature to admit wrong, therefore its much easier to make the LBS into the bad persona and stick to that storyline.

[Arsene]

The other thing is that maybe those odds will change. With education, maybe more people will learn about Standing and how to Stand and some who would have kicked’em to the curb quickly will not do that and will someday recover their marriage instead. That’s one of the goals of places like this. The hope is that next year there will be more reconciled marriages than this year and even more in two years and in ten a whole lot more—more than there would have been without places like this.

Yes. So true. In fact, my first marriage ended up in Separation and then Divorce and after reading DB, I realise that I did all the wrong things back then. I was much younger (33) and my first Wife left for pretty much the same reasons as W is leaving now. It's just unfortunate that i learned a great deal about living through a separation after having gone through my first one. I just wish I had learned that much about living in a relationship.
This time around, I didn't follow what hadn't worked the first time around. I felt prepared (thanks to sites like this) and i think I have done well enough even though I still have lots to learn. At least, now i understand why W is doing what she's doing (in fact, I now understand why 1stW left as well).
This time around, I want to learn how to live in a relationship. I want to make sure that "if" I can save my M, it'll be once and for all and that if i can't, that my next relationship (another if)won't end up like the previous 2.
In the meantime i still think that the work I've done so far on myself is good and should have been done ages ago.
I'm all for changing the odds. When you bet on a long shot, the odds are way against you but the rewards are much higher when your horse comes in.

Thanks for this great thread. I learned a lot. Thanks AmyC I wish you all the best where ever you are now.

[Cadet]

Its much easier to live the lie and take the low road.
Any attempt to re-unite with a former spouse would be an admission of wrong doing.
Its not human nature to admit wrong, therefore its much easier to make the LBS into the bad persona and stick to that storyline.

Well it takes two to reconcile and the LBS has to be willing to accept the MLC'er and from what I seem to read that is not always the way that works.

M Go Blue was not willing to accept a reconnection from his MLC'er, Snodderly has said the same thing.

Granted they are broken but it does seem like the LBS gets to make the last call.

Braveheart if you have not gotten that opportunity yet then maybe you are right, they are stuck in the tunnel.

1000 ships has very wise words.
Do you agree Braveheart with anything she said?

If the average MLC is 7 years then there will be ones that are shorter and ones that are longer.
And from a quote from a STANDER I know is that
"IF SPEED is your GOAL you will fail."

Mirage/Spirit thanks for your perspective.

I would not want a relationship with someone stuck in the tunnel. If they don't make it through the chances of a mature, adult relationship are minimal.

I absolutely agree with this and many reconnection attempts are made while they are still within the MLC.
So the LBS really needs to be emotionally strong to make it work.

Thanks everyone else for participating.

[AJM]

Cadet, you are a wise man. I totally agree. You have to be strong enough to let down your wall while absorbing a full frontal assault in many cases. Easier said than done.

I'm one that is not standing either. I made that choice and it was a choice. I was not willing to reconnect after the actions etc. I'm very happy with my choice but it wasn't always so.

When a MLC'r tries to bring you close, it's often followed by a club. If you have the wrong perspective, it often hurts a lot. Once you have the right perspective you can withstand anything. We try hard on this board to help people see what we see. What we have learned. It takes time and varies for many how long that is.

Sometimes the MLCr stays lost. Sometimes we play a part in that by being too slow to "see" properly. In the end, it has very little to do with us for the most part. It's why we need to get out of the way and figure out early on if we'll stand or not...

AJ

AJ

[~ kd ~]

What troubles me, and I truly mean this as no disrespect to any who have no need or desire to engage their MLCer, whether the MLCer is still in the tunnel or possibly out of it....

Is that I do see LBS who simply remain angry and bitter at their MLCer. And I'm not talking just here, I mean one sees it IRL many times.

Again, right now, I'm still guilty of that from time to time...

and then I check myself...

Do I need to hold onto that?

I so am working on not being an old, bitter LBS when I'm 86 yrs old. I hope I'd have better stuff to do with the next 40 years than hold onto that stuff... or stuffing it subconsciously...

That's the hope I hold for me...

[needgrace]

Again, right now, I'm still guilty of that from time to time...

and then I check myself...

Do I need to hold onto that?

I so am working on not being an old, bitter LBS when I'm 86 yrs old. I hope I'd have better stuff to do with the next 40 years than hold onto that stuff... or stuffing it subconsciously...

That's the hope I hold for me...

Me too KD. Thanks for putting it into words. Staying angry will only hurt me.

[AJM]

KD, I've seen many that remain bitter. I suspect much of that is because they contact but also because they haven't quite got past it. Takes work, but like you I have no intention of being that person who remains bitter. Forgiveness doesn't mean forget however when you have to deal with these people. Some can be friends later. Some cannot. Is what it is and learning to accept that it will be what it is is truly the hardest part of the journey.

Is for me at any rate.

AJ

[WenikiTiki]

This is interesting. I find my bitterness is fading. I am still angry about things in general, but have a whole different mindset than a year ago. And as I shuffle down this awfully bumpy road one thing becomes clear: I have no control over what he does or thinks. So I am just taking my self out of the equation.

[RoRoinMD]

I read through this entire thread last night and I CANNOT put into words how much it has helped me! Thanks Cadet for starting it and thanks to everyone who has contributed!

[AJM]

It's great how this board helps people through these conversations, isn't it?

I remember when I first started this journey (to be clear, when I first became aware I was on a journey like this). I really just needed to feel like I wasn't crazy and that I wasn't the things somebody I used to trust said I was. You'd think I knew, but oddly, when faced with it daily you have to pick and choose what you're going to believe in.

Along the way, I felt everything I once knew sandblasted away. I felt naked, so to speak.

After a while, much of what I saw began to sink in. The two main messages: take care of you, and let go what you cannot control. Oddly, those are two things I already knew, but had lost sight of.

Like, Wen, after a while I was able to let go of almost all the anger. Thanks to this board and the conversations, I remember being able to really see and better understand I am not alone in this. Even the things my ex says (yes, still does but just via email now thank God) are common variations.

These conversations helped me find me. It helped me build a better me.

For that, I'm forever grateful and try to give back.

I wouldn't trade this experience for anything (I would have delayed it for my kids though. I'm not crazy yet

Later,

AJ