am about to watch the video but first wanted to say NLW,
sometimes when the h is being a jerk or a "dick", I swear it's a gift.
I mean geez, it DOES make some things easier....clearer...
okay now I need to get my popcorn and a good speaker for my computer, & maybe some Chianti..ALL so I can watch the Stockdale video!! (or whatever it is)
Ciao
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh your poor S16! What a rough stretch to go through for her and, I am sure, for you too, NLW. Glad you are there for her, and I am sure she is as well.
I can't take credit for the video. I saw it on here before and it was useful to me, but really gets at the distinction between having the FAITH in yourself that you can and will prevail vs. ways in which HOPE can incapacitate or hold us back if we do not accept our brutal current realities.
Another thread you might skim over if you have not recently, NLW, is Navy Guy's. His W has been quite disrespectful to him for quite an extended stretch of time. They finally saw a C who more or less called his WAS out on it, while fully accepting her behavior. The C summarized:
1) You are done with this M and your H 2) You have no intention on working on this M and any past efforts to work on it have been false 3) Your past behavior during this marital crisis has been disrespectful/crap to you your LBS and M, and this needs to stop 4) We need to move ahead with dissolving this M, post haste, given these current realities. 5) Navy Guy heard and totally accepted all of the above. Total acceptance of we need to end this and move forward.
Within a few days of this, WAS behavior towards Navy Guy has changed. Eye contact, listening, sincere apology for past crap behavior. It may or may not mean reconciliation, but it is certainly a way forward out of the limbo nightmare of crap behavior for him and (I think) for you. And, often, once there is acceptance and moving on by the LBS, the WAS finally begins to wake up to the new reality that they have created and their own role in it. Sometimes they are totally fine with it, sometimes they sincerely apologize for their role in things but still choose to stay away, sometimes they consider coming back. You can't control that, but you CAN keep yourself from being stuck and create a better reality for yourself =)
Just like you said, your H has still felt you tugging at the rope on him, trying to get him back, not accepting and moving forward with his "It's over," routine He lets himself feel all sorts of negative emotions as a result: guilt, anger, etc. Takes it out on you. All kinds of crap behavior directed at you and the family that in various ways you have put up with.
You don't need to put up with it =) You don't need to be angry or bitchy about it. You can do this =)
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My heart hurts for your daughter, NLW. I'll say a special prayer for her tonight, as well as for your strength as you help your sweet children deal with their heartbreak along with your own. Your children are so very blessed to have you as their rock, NLW. Put all the time and energy you have previously focused on your H and just add it to what you were already giving your kiddos AND (very importantly) yourself. Your children may (hopefully) one day repair their relationship with their daddy, but either way, they will NEVER forget how you were the one they could always rely on during this difficult time in their lives.
Hi ncl, Thanks so much for keeping up with my sitch. I am so glad to hear your words of encouragement and advice.
My D16 has been doing it hard for the last year, but I think things are starting to turn around a little.
At the same time, H is getting angrier with the kids - as they seem to be moving on without him.
I have greatly appreciated the recent discussion on this thread about the need to move on and live my life as if H is gone. I feel like I've grown in resolve and strength to keep going just by reading and digesting all that's been written here in the past few days.
Where would I be without this support? I shudder to think...
Thank you more than words can say. I hope things are going very well for you and your family.
Big hugs back to you and please keep in touch if you can.
nLW - just stopping by to give you a hug and say that yes you are strong and you and your kids will come through this just fine.
my heart goes out to your D16 - but with you as her mom she will come out great on the other side of this, i am sure.
yes - this site really helps us to grow in resolve. we see from others who got here before us how they did and so we know we can too.
don't shudder to think where you may have been without this - just focus on the fact that you are here and you are constantly growing and evolving into a stronger person everyday.
((( )))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Sorry to hear that your H is being so nasty with everyone, specially with the kids. It must be so hard for them to try to make any sense of it.
Hang in there. It's nice to hear that you are aware of what H is doing. You sound like you are doing better and you know you can always find support here whenever you need it.
Have a great day!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Just some feelings/musings that are probably a result of reading Zig's thread today.
I am sitting at my kitchen table working on my computer while my H sits a few feet away from me on the lounge with our 2 kids. He's still here after bring them home from school today.
Everything is normal and civilized. He and I have been laughing and talking and interacting with the kids in a completely normal way. The dogs are cuddled on his lap and everyone seems happy and relaxed.
But I have just been overcome with a sense of the complete weirdness of the situation.
He might just as well bring OW into the room, introduce her to all of us as his new wife, and we could all get on together swimmingly.
I’ve just been replaced by a new model and we are all just getting on with things as if nothing has happened.
Sometimes it just hits me how completely insane this limbo really is.
Is this how it’s supposed to be if one accepts one’s new reality, ignores the OW as a mere symptom, and gets on with acting ‘as if' and being the best you that you can be?
It feels so WRONG at times. And, in this sense, I get what Starsky is saying over on Zig’s thread (I think). I want to scream at my H – How dare you carry on an A and then come in here as if everything is OK and normal!!!!
I know that if the sitch doesn’t work for me I just have to do what Busto and Starsky suggest – ie lay down my boundaries that state I will have nothing to do with H while he’s carrying on an A right in front of us.
But my nagging doubt is that this doesn’t seem to be what’s advocated in DR – where ‘let him experiment with an OW’, act ‘as if’, and so on, are described as the keys to any possibility of reconciliation.
Maybe it’s just another instance of do the opposite of what feels right?
In terms of baby steps, at least, things do seem to be getting better.
H has stayed for more than 2 hours tonight after dropping off the kids from school. This is longer than he’s stayed here for months and months. And, indeed, it’s a huge step forward from the days, not so long ago, when he refused even to come into the house and would wait outside on the front porch. (He’s just this minute taken off his jacket so it looks like he’s staying even longer.)
I need to think about him as a learning how to walk again. I need to have patience and remember that it will take a long time to re-build his trust and overcome his hurt.
In the meantime, I need to thought-stop about OW and keep focusing on myself and my own goals for 'seducing' not H, but the world! (Thanks for that thought, Busto)
